posted
My MIL that is. Dont get me wrong...i do like her and in spite of living a mile apart she doesnt usually make a nuisance of herself. Yesterday DH and i see someone doing something awfully close to the house. BC that side faces west the blinds were closed. It was her and she was spraying BLEACH on our gutters cause it had some mold on it! Bleach was dripping onto the flowers my son and i planted when we 1st bought this house. And on the cabbage plant that is a school project. I nutted. Told DH hed better have a talk with his mother about BOUNDARIES. I sure didnt need the stress.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
I would have to move if my MIL lived that close to me.
I'm curious...did she move there first or did you???
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
She lived here 1st. Moved here when she married cause her husband is from here. My DH used to visit and liked it so he moved here. Theyre all from dallas and liked the country life. Me..i was already in okla. My MIL has retired and has too much time on her hands. But this kind of STRESS is exactly something i dont need. I made it clear to her that i was angry. I just want to know what in her mind gave her permission to start spraying bleach everywhere? If i wanted it done id have done it myself!
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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Tincup
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5829
posted
If it helps.. I doubt it but I'll try...
The bleach shouldn't kill the plants unless they are orchids or some really fragile plants.
I know you are annoyed... but..
My bet is she was trying to do something nice and get rid of mold that might be bad for you.
Tell her if she wants to clean up outside the house, she can come to my place!
posted
I probably wouldnt have gotten so mad if she had our interests at heart. But it was bugging HER. My dh is 10 yrs younger than myself...and shes 10 yrs older. Shes type A and thats not going to work. As my DH puts it there can only be one queen of the castle. I respect her boundaries and i expect the same. My hindsight vision said i was overreacting. But...what she did was the TOPIC. The ISSUE is the disrespect i felt. Im glad to know that our plants wont die. I just hate to see the horrendous splotches on everything. It was straight bleach...no dilution. Apparently shed been at it awhile before we saw her. Its small thing in the grand scheme of things. I guess i just want the same respect shown to me that i try to afford others. Silly me. Feel free to 2x4 me...i probably have it coming.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
2roads my MIL is ALMOST the same as yours. Her favorite saying used to be "well you know how ***** is". Until i challenged her on it. If not lying down and taking her stuff makes me the bad person so be it. Im not someone easily intimidated anymore. You teach ppl how to treat you right? I can promise you if i had done such a thing id have been tarred and feathered. I have a feeling im going to regret living so close. What part of my needing to avoid stress do they not understand? This was completely avoidable.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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2roads
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4409
posted
I will never forget the day after Halloween. She loathes Halloween.
She was visiting from North Carolina. Ironically enough, her birthday is just a few days before, the 29TH.
She rips off my Halloween Jaqualantern (?sp) lights from the mantel without asking and just throws them to the side of the fireplace on the floor between the chair and the fireplace. Doesn't even ask for the box they came in.
That was her way of saying good riddins to halloween. I put my foot down from that point on and told her to visit at Easter, not in October. Said nothing about the lights, but was never gonna feel that feeling again.
But, it's a combo of disrespect, selfishness and I think insecurity. I still cannot figure out what trait puts her on her pedestal. Surely she realizes her whole life has been a mess and that which wasn't has become her "mooney". Most of the time she chooses which part of that testimony to give. Usually it's a "well, I don't want to go into it" comment. You're right about the "well, you know how it is" comment. That's a regular when she's putting the world down.
Sorry Misfit, I don't mean to fuel fire, I guess I'm not the best person on this topic. My MIL lives down the street as of 3 years ago. It is so hard.
Her other son and daughter send her a plane ticket for a 4 day trip. Two days travel, two days visiting. Keep in mind it may be over two years since she's seen them. They just don't want to be bothered with her BS.
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
No one has a right to touch you or your property without your permission. No one.
If she had said, "I notice you have some mold on your gutters. I'm willing to spray bleach on them if that would be okay with you," then you could have said no. Or yes.
As it is, she violated your boundaries. It doesn't matter whether the event was trivial or beneficial in the end. What matters is that she did it without your permission. I would be furious about that.
-------------------- Don't forget to laugh! And when you're going through hell, keep going!
Bitten 5/25/2009 in Perry County, Indiana. Diagnosed by LLMD 12/2/2009. Posts: 756 | From Inside the tunnel | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
Thats what had me so furious. Its not like the gutter was covered in mold. What was there just bugged HER. And yes...its the boundary issue. The feeling of her treating us like we dont have good sense. And 2roads...if she had ripped my decorations down like that id have probly strangled her with the cord! If they want 2 do something useful...a casserole comes 2 mind.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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2roads
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4409
posted
You said it...."treating us like we don't have good sense". That's disrespect to me.
That's what I deal with.
I've also noticed a morphing in my MIL's life. She has become so appearance oriented. What's the word for that?.....I think it's because what's on the inside is in such turmoil.
Sorta like organizing, freshening up and wearing white after a risque college night, or a whole house cleanup from a drunken mistake the night before. Not necessarily speaking from experience.
Perhaps the superficial action of looking good is really her habit of compensating for herself and what is not, and not saying you have no good sense. I don't know, I'm sure a shrink would present the cause and reveal that it is not personal, but it can be hard as all get out to deal with.
Hugs
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Her remark that you know how so and so is was a case of the pot calling the kettle black. She was making reference about my ability to speak my mind. Im not cruel or unkind...i dont just nod my head to everything. The woman has just too much time since retiring. Thankfully my DH will talk to her about respecting boundaries. And just maybe i got the point across to her myself. Nah...probably not. It is comforting to know im not alone here. Tho i feel for anyone dealing with this.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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lululymemom
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posted
Just remember that we may all be MIL someday...
Bartonella henselae 1:100 Posts: 2027 | From British Columbia | Registered: Jun 2010
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2roads
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4409
posted
Oh, I'm sure it won't be easy lulu. There's days when I go out of my way for my own daughter and I still do something wrong or it wasn't good enough.
But, I will not instigate unless attacked.
I will be as involved as they let me, and if it's not that much, somehow I'll have to mourn alone. I will not hand out guilt trips. They go nowhere.
I will always think of what I had to deal with and will do my damdest not to make the same mistakes. Maybe I'll make others, but not the same.
But, thanks for the reminder-
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I AM a MIL. And a grandma! I dont overstep boundaries. I try to treat them the way i want to be treated. Am i perfect? Nope. But its nice when my SIL says that im a great MIL. I know why he says that tho...i mind my business. Theyll let me know when they need me. My biggest problem is not getting to see my grandson as much as id like. Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I always wondered why there was animosity between MIL and to a lesser extent it appears -- FIL.
In all my major relationships, the parents "did not" like me.
I found this to be very strange because I'm a good person.
I also never understood -- as a child -- why families often are combative. A brother won't speak to his brother for years. One sister refuses to talk to her father for 5 years, etc.
I didn't understand until it all happened to me. I always thought family was there to love me, and that MIL/FIL were there to help "support" the process of everyone merging into a larger family and producing a safe and pleasant environment for the children that are often involved.
While I realize it's not like this everywhere, it sure does seem to be the norm for far more people than logic would dictate.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
Like i said in my original post...i do like my MIL. And she thinks im the best thing to happen to my DH so i guess she likes me too. Even tho im 10yrs younger and he has no bio kids and wont ever have any as long as hes with me. She wasnt happy about that in the beginning cos she wants more grandkids. But you do have to respect boundaries. Just bc its family doesnt give one license to jump in. My DD and her DH are having marital problems and it terrifies me for my grandson. As much as i want to help i butt out. They both know im here if they need me. I just dont feel i have the right to step in unless asked. And blue...i totally relate to your post. Its just so stressful sometimes! Just what we DONT need!
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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METALLlC BLUE
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posted
I have nothing but contempt for people who are unreasonable in one breath and then claim to love me with the next.
I've abandoned everyone who played that hand. I always call a bluff. No matter how good your hand though, you always lose when you love someone who behaves intolerably.
As far as parents of significant others, I hold them to the same standard I'd hold myself and anyone else. I reinforce good behavior, and ignore and avoid them when they demonstrate bad behavior. From my observations and experience, no other method works. People who violate boundaries with complete disregard can't be reasoned with.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
Her problem is that she recently retired. Too much time on her hands and being a type a personality doesnt help. She doesnt have OCD nor Lyme. Its just her personality. Shes getting worse as she ages..but im guilty of getting worse about some things as i get older too. Im just big on respect and dont want to be treated like a fool. The whole do unto others kwim? Too bad what she thought was mold wasnt. Its just an old gutter. My DH cut all the flowers out. All the flowers died that had bloomed and the leaves looked burnt.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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2roads
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4409
posted
Yeh, I can't figure the whole thing out either. For years I was disliked by my FIL and his wife. It was brutal. Always putting up with downright attacking comments, usually blurted out behind a bottle. Stuff like" my goodness, with a mother like his, no wonder your brother is the way he is". She didn't know my Mom.
Yet, now that she's feeble and her last years are here, she has stopped fueling the fire and is trying to rekindle Pop with his son and myself. We moved from the area they lived in to another state to run farther from endemic lyme. We stopped taking the abuse and just loved from a distance...as best we could.
Well, she calls and cries on the machine to please try to make it back for Pop's 75th b-day last year, and that it just wouldn't be the same without his oldest son.
Helllllooooo? We went, but so much opportunity for good times had been lost. She even said she loved us when we went back. I never heard that from her.
Irony, now my DD is being shunned by her boyfriends mother, at age 16. Wouldn't ya know she found a boy whose parents divorced and the father kept the sons and the mother took the daughter........just like her Dad's family. OMG, what's the liklihood of history like that repeating itself. Except his Dad loves her (he's her swim coach). It's the Mom and step Dad, not the Dad and step-mom like I had. I did/do get along with my husband's Mom until she moved out here with us.
Who can say why people waist life with unwarranted animosity. I guess I have some struggles I need to eventually let go of too.
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I dont get it sometimes. Family discordance causes me tremendous stress. Does it not bother them?? I dont dwell on it..its just the initial incident that messes my world up for about a wk. My brother hasnt spoken to me in 8 yrs now. Was wanting me to make a trip that was literally physically impossible and i FINALLY stuck up for myself and dug my heels in..he threw a fit. Id offered compromises but he wouldnt consider any of them. Hes 15yrs older than i am and even at my age i dont have a voice. I just dont understand sometimes.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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