posted
And a large part of it is because she's not sure she can be with someone who has all these issues around their disease (she's also a doctor). I just want to die.
I'd love to have anyone's thoughts on how I could get her back or what I need to do. Sad...
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Awww dang. Perhaps she needs some time? You can't help that you are sick and she probably knows that...so maybe she just needs some time to sort things out.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Hambone
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 29535
posted
I am so sorry you are hurt and grieving a loss. You have my utmost empathy.
But why would you want somebody back who doesn't want to be with a sick person?
Does she think she's immune to getting a disease and will never need support?
I think she did you a favor and there is somebody better for you out there.
I am NOT trying to minimize your pain. I suffered a very painful breakup many years ago ( 27 years ago ) and it still kind of stings when I think about it. But now I can see it was an unanswered prayer because there was somebody MUCH better waiting for me.
I can also tell you, begging somebody to come back only seems to push them further away. My advice would be to lay WAY low and keep quiet and let her see what it's like without you. I'll bet she'll hate it.
There's nothing wrong with being sad. It shows you are capable of lovingn deeply and have a heart. Normal Normal Normal.
{{{hug}}}
Posts: 1142 | From South | Registered: Dec 2010
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sutherngrl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16270
posted
I agree with Hambone; lay low for a while and see what happens. You can't push someone into a relationship. Give her time to think and to miss you. If she doesn't come back, then there is probably someone better down the road.
I got out of a marriage years back and someone a million times better came along later. It could be a blessing, even though it doesn't feel like one right now.
Posts: 4035 | From Mississippi | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
I know she still loves me - its just been too much stress to continue with forever. I know that's exactly what it is. We thought for awhile we were going to end up married. Ha I love her so much I just can't digest this. My willingness to continue this battle is so small. I know a lot of the insensivity I've shown is due to my "mental blocks". Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
Lay loW for awhile... Like a few weeks?
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
thehause,
I'm saying a prayer for you.
You can and will make it through this rough time.
Come here for support often.
It is in the most difficult times of our lives that we learn the most and develop character and perseverence.
God will see you through this.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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quote:Originally posted by thehause: Lay loW for awhile... Like a few weeks?
- yeah .. give her time to miss you
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
I hope you gain strength and realize that this might be for the best. There is someone out there who will love you in sickness or in health.
Why does it not surprise me that she's a doctor?
I know you are hurting today but there will be better days ahead. Hold yourself up and don't let this stressor bring you deeper.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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Dogsandcats
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28544
posted
As hard as it seems, the best thing you can do is take really good care of yourself. You can't ignore feeding your body and soul with good nutrition. I am sorry you are hurting.
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
I am so confused... She came over tonight to maybe get some things, which she said she wasn't ready to do, and then sleeps with me. Then a bit ago after she wakes up she says nothing has changed and it was the last time. WTF?
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
God I am so hurt. Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
OMGosh! I am so sorry!
You are both conflicted. Give her some time and give YOURSELF some time. Take care of yourself. Do you have a friend you could invite over? It's important to remember that you are still connected to people. And to let people care. And try to lift you up.
Distractions!!! I know the feelings are intense right now. And Lyme makes us OCD anyway. How can you not think about her?
Find things to do. Anything. Anything you enjoy. There is life outside of this relationship. Even when you are in a relationship, there is life outside the relationship. That can be a hard thing to remember, especially for us. Our lives become so small.
Don't call her. If she calls you, be attentive. But not desperate. As weird as this sounds, you don't need to solve anything right now. Time will bring introspection and evaluation for both of you. Let that process take its course.
I spent many of my single, dating years with Lyme. I was an emotional train wreck. It took nothing to send me over the edge. I couldn't understand why I was so "emotional" all the time.
But I also found my husband during that time. We had our "stuff" to work on, but he was the right guy. I'm glad I let the others go, however hard it was.
I ache for you. We've all been there.
Rent comedies. Laugh. Do anything that distracts you from the pain. It's part of healing.
Do you have a Lyme support group? Can you find one? Can you start one?
Sitting in a room full of people whose lives are JUST LIKE YOURS is an incredible experience. You are not alone. Ever.
momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Be very careful here...if you are so very much in love with her, and it sounds like you are, make sure you stop and think your decisions through concerning this...you CANNOT set yourself up for this type of behavior from her.
Sometimes, when we love someone so so much, we don't always have good judgement...it is clouded by our desire to have the one we love at any cost...and THAT can cause you untold heartache.
I am so sorry this has happened...it is one of the most difficult things in the world to handle, but please do yourself a favor and think things through with a calm head if you can swing it.
One suggestion, don't talk to her friends or anyone that can get back to her about how you are feelng...keep it outside her circle...gossip has a horrible way of ruining relationships.
It will be okay.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
But how do I know if she's actually feeling anything or if she just wanted one last go? I dont know how to read this (lyme brain).
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
You don't know what she is feeling unless you give it some time and leave her alone for awhile...time for you both to try and let cooler heads prevail.
It was wrong of her on so many different levels to sleep with you last night and then say what she did...it sounds like she is messed up.
Give her some space and a chance to think...I know it is torture, but I think for you to realy know her heart, you will have to do that for awhile.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I was given the same message from my husband while going through treatment in Germany. I got it via email.
I am back, staying at my mothers, and he is staying at our apartment. (I can't stay there because IT has mold, too. In this case it worked out well)
I have given him much to think about. In a tactful manner I asked him to listen to his family and friends when they have a cold or a stomach virus -- and really "hear" their complaining.
I then asked him to compare that to ANYTHING I have said during the last (almost) 9 years. It was an eye-opener.
My husband knows that I have feelings for him, too, but he also knows that I have decided that I will no longer stand for any type of abuse -- and that includes emotional.
For me, it is better to be by myself - and starting a new life - than to be in a marriage that I know isn't wanted.
He has asked that we work on our marriage. I have agreed. I can tell you in all honesty that I don't know that it will work out.
My focus is on my healing and recovering from these awful diseases.
Again, I am so sorry you are having to hurt like this. I don't think that "relationship games" are fair on any level, but when you are sick, they seem particularly cruel.
Please take care of YOU.
-------------------- I will beat these awful diseases. I understand that I have permanent damage because of some very under-educated physicians, but eventually I WILL lead a healthy life again. There is a reason I am here. It will be revealed to me in due time. Posts: 20 | From Louisville, KY | Registered: Sep 2009
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posted
Why didn't she take any of her bags of clothes with her? Is she stringing me along? She said it was "too early"... what does that even mean?
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Bottom line....you do not want somebody that doesn't want you.
Do not let this drag on and on. You don't need her pity. You need her love and committment and that's in question right now.
Take care of YOU
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I just can't stop my mind from racing... i know i need someone that wants to be with me, but I love her so much that knowing she's gone is literally just like having someone close die.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
The emotional intensity of a separation is hard. The emotional intensity of a separation when you have Lyme is extreme. And unrelenting.
Please remember that part of your confusion and desperation is related to the disease and the brain inflammation and the lack of appropriate neurotransmitters.
This will pass. It really will. You will be in a better place.
Like everyone said, maintain your boundaries, take care of yourself, and take some time apart to reflect.
scorpiogirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31907
posted
Hello,
Ok this is going to sound harsh, but she doesn't love you! When you find your true love you will experience peace, compassion, loyalty, commitment and contentment. What she's doing to you is a power game and it is cruel. Please take that energy and focus on yourself and your health. Don't give her any more power over your life.
Remember women don't respect men they can walk all over. Pack her bag and send her on her way! Good luck! And we're here for you.
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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posted
Scorpiogirl - how are you so sure she doesn't love me? I think she does love me and is scared and confused. I'm not sure why else she would act out otherwise. I'm trying to focus on myself but I can't even think logically right now.
I'm giving her space right now but I'm so lost and panicked. Mind is so unclear.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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scorpiogirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31907
posted
Awe... honey I'm so sorry... my heart breaks for you! I hope you are correct... but when you truly love someone you put them FIRST. The fact that she puts her "I'm scared and confused" ahead of YOU especially when you're in a health crisis confirms to me that she either doesn't love you or she doesn't know what true love is!
When my late husband was fighting lung cancer, I was his care giver and I never once thought about what will happen to me when he is gone. What about our baby I just had 8 weeks ago? My one and only concern was HIM. So I have been there done that. I know what it's like to be there to care for someone with a terminal illness. And I know what it's like to lose someone you love.
Now years later, I'm on the receiving end fighting my Lyme disease. I'm blessed to have a second chance (happily re-married) and my committed husband works two jobs and then comes home to take care of our kids so I can focus on getting better. His commitment, loyalty and support is unwavering!
Take some time... and focus on getting better. Hang in there!!
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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posted
I need to say thank you to all for the help. I'm not really sure what to make of all this. I hope everything works out.
Unfortunately, some of the complaint of hers has been the personality changes I went through while taking ARVs for XMRV. They really messed me up and I have to advise against anyone thinking about taking them.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I am sorry for your pain.
May I gently suggest that you take this time to focus on you.
Not on getting her back, but on getting yourself to a better place.
Try to focus on getting well.
Prayers to you for healing and peace.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
You are allowed to experience any changes, personality or otherwise, in your attempt to regain your health. That is your priortity in life.
Do not feel bad or guilty for personality changes. My gosh, we have brain infections. Of course our personalities will suffer.
Do not apologize for taking your health into your own hands and trying unproven therapies. You are allowed to do that.
I experienced so much guilt when I was dating with Lyme. I felt like I was responsible for every challenge in each relationship. Nonsense. Yes, I was outside of the cultural norm. I had a chronic illness. So what? Like nobody has ever been sick?
Stop beating yourself up. You are fine. Keep treating your Lyme. You are not at fault for the difficulties in this relationship. It takes two. Always.
posted
the hause, sorry for your pain! Gosh, I know it all so well. I am married now, however, right before the marriage I tried a few times to break it off. I suffer from depression and a survivor of an attack when I was young.
Damaged, is how I felt. He insisted on marriage. We've been married four years Aug, 2011.
I totally agree on one comment above. Don't beat yourself up on "trying to get anyone". No one should ever have to go crazy winning someone . Love happens and overlooks illness and everything in life.
Have to seen "Under Our Skin"? See it! The hubby stays with his wife during her Lyme illness, it's a tear jerker!
Boxer mom said it! And you can box your way out of this just by maintaining support on this site.
God Bless, hang in there!
HH
-------------------- I'm glad to know I'm not alone Some peace of mind I somehow find Through folks like you with Lyme! Posts: 240 | From An infected state | Registered: Jan 2011
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LabRat
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 78
posted
Thehause, your standing too close to the trees son, there's a whole forest back there! I've been in your shoes multiple times and I don't want to be perceived as piling on, but here it is, she's gone and good riddance! You'll never know the truth and it probably has nothing or very little to do with your illness. Face it and deal with it the best you can. I'm truly sorry for your sorrow, life is gonna suck for awhile then it'll get much better, (unless you get back together with Drusilla)!
Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
If you start dating someone and she comes back, then she loves you.
You can't totaly blam her, Lyme is tough to deal with.
You'll be fine, give it some time; let her make the first move!!!
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
LabRat - if we're going to be using tree metaphors, let me start by saying that I've layed down a bit of wood before. I knew she was what I wanted. I've had a few - It was different.
She and I had a talk about whats happened over the last few months and how on those meds I completely checked out emotionally - I'll admit this. She stuck around for months while slid further into a weird mindset. That is true. They affect the nervous system and can really affect mindset. Over the course of this happening, she lost romantic feelings for me. I understand why. I wasn't 'me'.
Right now I'm trying to focus on feeling more like myself again - and let these meds effects work out of my system. I really do love her - maybe in a few months we can talk again and see what happens.
As far as her sleeping with me one last time - that is explainable. I was handling the breakup mostly normally until that point. I had essentially asked for it, partly out of desperation and partly out of a last goodbye - and because i was being mature about the situation - she obliged. We had REALLY good sex for most of the relationship. I got emotional after the fact - something I should have been more prepared for.
I can't stop feeling the way I do - and I'm going to care about this girl for maybe the next 100 years - but I'm trying to move forward. I'm in a town where I don't have a lot of people - maybe I can work on my social life again. Unfortunetly, Lyme sort of puts a cap on that also. BUT, I do plan on doing some traveling.
My mind isn't racing quite as bad... I should almost laugh at that one. It's racing. When I get home today (i'm out of town) her stuff will be gone. I'm sure I'll be on here freaking out. I can't really prepare myself for it. The more I picture it the more I'm shocked and panicking.
Anyways, thanks everyone for letting me freak out and dish out the situation on here. Basically, we need time apart to focus on getting better (me especially) and getting in check. She has enough pressure as a surgeon. I need to deal with it for now and then see if I still want her once I'm 'better' -- then make the attempt. What sucks, is that before the meds took their affect I already knew that I loved her and now that I'm coming off them - it is a strange trip to be on - things are hitting me like they're 'new'. They're not new for her since she's been waiting months for me to be myself.
I finally ate last night. I had actually dry-heaved at the grocer store in the morning yesterdy so the eating is an improvement. I think the talk while tough, was beneficial.
-Hause
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
Glad you are feeling a little better emotionally and had a talk.
Take good care of yourself now and work on healing.
I just said a prayer for you.
God has a plan for you...for hope and a future!
You will make it!!!!!!!!
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Sounds like you are thinking this through and making some sound decisions...that is exactly what you need to do.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i am so sorry you are going through this. it's tough on everyone.
it sounds like you both just need a break. and if things don't work out, well, just take it from there.
it's better to break up now than be married, have kids, and go through a long and protracted divorce.
concentrate on taking care of yourself, first. if she truly loves you and wants to be with you, it will work out.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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LabRat
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 78
posted
Well...you're trying, I'll give you that. Finding fault with your self and probably others (in a little while) but no fault with your wife, I've been there and done that. Had a good friend tell me one time, ``you know your problem lies with your wife, don't you"? He was right of course but I couldn't hang with him after that. I can't think of anyway you can make someone love you or anyway for you to stop loving someone, that's akin to picking up a turd by the clean end! Time and being involved with work and someone else seems to work the fastest for me. Sounds like you're determined to remain unconvinced so, I'll just say good luck.
Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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posted
LabRat - to say that I didn't do something wrong would be lying. I know I did. That said, yea she didn't exactly stick around though it was tough. Let's not over-simplify. Thanks tho for the help.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
thehause, take care of you. It's all about you healing. Sure when one is ill you need others for support and love.
Find that support from family and other friends. Even strangers can be beneficial when lonely and only another person that feels your illness can understand, totally.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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OptiMisTick
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 399
posted
[ 12-05-2011, 04:11 AM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
Posts: 1338 | From Above the Clouds | Registered: Nov 2000
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posted
People telling you she didn't love you because she didn't want to stay with a sick person are wrong. Everyone has limits to what they are willing to deal with. Whether it's AIDS, or finding out their ex is a reformed serial killer.
Part of what determines how much someone is willing to deal with has to do with the maturity of the relationship. A friend of mine has been married for 40 years; 20 something years into the marriage an industrial accident ripped off a large portion of his face including his nose and half of his mandible.
I doubt that if this happened in the first several months of the relationship that they would have stayed together.
Not everyone who loves you will want to spend their entire life being your caregiver.
I was presumably born with Lyme (they think my mother got it as a child and passed it on to me and my siblings). I have had late stage neuropsychiatric symptoms since the third grade. I was diagnosed at age 20. I'd never told anyone the extent of my issues, so when I was diagnosed I wanted to tell the world. In retrospect I think it was liberating in a similar way to how people come out of the closet:
It's selfish and not relevant to anyone else.
I care about your position it's relevant to me, the people at this forum care. Nobody else cares or wants to hear about it.
Loving her means getting better. In my experience three things are fundamental to this:
Antibiotics
Exercise: In order to enter remission I need to have a pretty extreme exercise regimen.
Swim, run, row (erg).
Push ups, pull ups, abs
Squats, deadlift, benchpress, curls, military press, bent over rows
If you can go outside build up to long distance hiking
Build up progressively. See what the recommended levels of fitness are for those trying out for special ops in the military (Pararescue, Special Forces, SEALs, etc.) strive to meet those standards, it will push you.
Diet:
No cane based sugar, alcohol or caffeine while in recovery.
If you don't cook with whole foods, or you won't cook you won't get better.
I've been where you are now. I didn't get my love back but I used the pain to fuel my recovery. I crush Lyme with Antibiotics, exercise and diet.
Try to relax btw. I totally severed my relationship with my ex due to Lyme craziness. Gotta stay loose brah.
Posts: 1 | From Upstate Ny | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
Lyonk71 - Thanks for this solid piece of advice. I don't really know if she was troubled by the ongoing issues I've been having or not. I'm pretty functional even though I'm not in remission. I've learned to keep this disease to myself for the future. Anyways, she's said its not the cause when we spoke on Saturday - but I can't really be certain.
She was again supposed to come get her things Sunday when I was out of town - but didn't. I came home to everything being 'normal'. I was definitely surprised. She gave me a couple of reasons why.
I do exercise quite a bit and am in pretty good shape in general. I've focused heavily on it for the last few years.
And I do have trouble with diet - I'm a single guy and not really likely to cook. And I get sick of salads. I also have XMRV and - according to my doctor - he thinks that is why I'm still having all the neuro issues. I have no idea.
Does anyone else here have issues with insight and emotions? I feel like most people - even fellow lymies - are better about this stuff than me anymore.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i feel for you, i really do. i can tell you from bitter experience that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who does not recognize lyme and doesn't want to deal with either the side effects or the person.
it's much better to have peace and quiet and be with someone who doesn't want you around.
the stress of what you are going through will take a toll on you and your health. i've been there. ended up with hives one time because of all the stress.
frankly, dear, i would give her a choice. come and get your stuff, move out, or stay put. this yo-yo business is not good.
what's she going to do? keep you on a string till something better comes along. you deserve more than that.
i know you love her. there are two sides to every story but you need to know that you can count on your "better" half, and it doesn't sound like you can.
ask yourself -- what would she do if i had to go the er, ended up hospitalized, or maybe couldn't work? i would hate to put her to the test right now.
please, i know it's hard, but you have some serious decisions to make. trust your own judgement, listen to yourself. heck, even make a list, pros and cons.
remember, when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.
it will get better. i know.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
thehause,
Here is an archive of some really great articles about the mind, and all sorts of topics.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Why are you letting her decide everything? I know its hard, but it kinda sounds like she is walking all over you. Either she wants to be with you or she doesnt, whats with all the crap in the middle?
I would tell her to come get her stuff at a specific date and time, and let her know if she doesnt, it will be on the lawn. Why does she get to decide when its convenient, but then change her mind 100 times? Either come get your stuff or dont. Leaving her stuff their is a way of controling the situation. shes got one foot in the door and one out. people do what you LET them do.
I think its better to be sick and in peace than to be sick in turmoil.
Stop letting her dictate all the moves!
Stand up for yourself!
I hope that your feeling better.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
One of the biggest disillusionments I had while dealing with Lyme Disease is that: 1: Being in love is not enough, 2: No one is unbreakable, even the strongest I've met have fallen at some point, and last: we are rarely in control.
This runs counter to almost everything people tell us. We're told to lie to ourselves, to believe from childhood that we can be "anything." We're told that love can overcome anything. That's just not true. That's just not the way life or relationships work.
You can do your best and still lose, that's the reality. The more resentful, fearful, frustrated, discouraged and apathetic people feel the less room there is for love, patience, and compassion. Not everyone has the ability to cope with someone who is dying (or suffering) before them constantly, and by the time people become aware that there are methods to cope -- they're too burned out to give it another shot.
My fiance of 6 years is gone. Our relationship ended in 2004, and it still haunts me. Not because I lost her, but because of the way I lost her. I lost her because of Lyme, not because of any fault or mistake on my own part in general. Sure I made mistakes that normal people make (money, taking one for granted, being controlling at times) but mostly I was too ill psychologically from the neurological impairment and damage caused by the multiple untreated infections I had. I wasn't sitting on my ass content to be ill constantly. I was constantly studying and seeking answers. I went to specialist after specialist. I e-mailed, I called, I debated, I would even write myself notes and diary entries during lucid (or clearer) moments, so that when sick, I could remember who I really was. That was rare sadly.
You can try to control the uncontrollable all you wish, but in the end --...... I lost. So I had to start again. Then I lost some more, so I tried again, and I lost again.
I have lost hundreds of times in relationships, in striving to meet goals, dreams, and a long list of other things I consider essential to feeling like a complete human being. My confidence is nill. My hope is shaken. My dreams seem so far. My life is one of self-centeredness, and as a result, relationships suffer. People don't want to be around someone who is always entirely focused on their own health, their own struggles, goals, hopes. There is nothing to share when you're so sick that you haven't even enough resources to maintain your own social and emotional homeostasis. You can be a genius, but get Lyme, and you're done. You'll turn into a blathering moron at some point. Your personality will change. You'll become manic, or withdrawn, angry, rage-filled, apathetic, numb, disturbed, insane even. Now, how are others supposed to "love" you thru that? How is the world supposed to "share" with you, when you haven't much, if anything left to give back?
I'm still losing, even as I write this. The difference between me and a lot of other people is that I know the impossible sometimes just takes a little longer. Even if I never win, I can't presume that failure is inevitable, because that itself would be delusional and illogical. It's true I can't do everything. It's true I can't solve this disease right at this exact moment -- but maybe later today, maybe tomorrow, maybe eventually -- it's possible.
The same is true with relationships. All you can do is give what you have, that's what relationships are all about. Sharing experiences. There are no true promises or guarantees, no matter how many you or they try to make. Things change, people change, events change -- the people you love and who love you, may still leave -- even if they love you. They have their limits too.
So, make a decision. Either it's possible to end up happy or it's not. Whichever you you choose will be true. I don't know if she'll come back. It's been 7 years now, and ex-fiance still believes and feels that having no contact with me is in her best interest. Perhaps it's punishment, resentment, or perhaps it's just hatred. Either way, I did my best and I lost and maybe you will too. But, I'm still here.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
And, everything changes, even us! We get better, we get worse, we understand, we don't understand, etc.
I kinda think a lot of it has to do with negotiation. Real discussion about who we are, what we perceive, what we need, what we expect, what we're prepared to give or not give.
A lot of the time, people have really different perceptions of the situation, without realizing it. It takes talking it through, I think, and the willingness to do so. The willingness to understand differences. And the willingness to make changes.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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I am not sure yet what to do... honestly, I'm still in pain and feeling really insecure about myself and my behavior. Maybe time will heal this.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
If she loves you she will come back, move on unless that happens. And even if she does come back, I would think long and hard if you want to be with someone who abandoned you.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
Personally I would never trust someone like that again. In my opinion they would be too unreliable.
Leave me when I am sick, unless there are children involved, I don't want anything to do with you.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I'm Mike.
I think human bonding is far more complex than the simplistic logic we'd prefer. We'd like to extract the essence down to pieces and parts, but that isn't the way we're designed.
She probably doesn't even understand exactly why she's doing what she's doing, and you probably don't understand a lot about how you're feeling in respect to it.
The best advice I can offer is: It's going to be messy. It's gonna hurt. It's unpredictable how it will turn out. It's frustrating, confusing, and complicated.
Writing down what you think and feel, and asking her to write down exactly what she thinks and feels may be useful. Tell her "take as long as you like -- if you wish to do it at all" and explain your positions, what you want, what you don't want, be honest, be direct, and don't try to protect each other or avoid hurting each other by telling what you think and feel.
Get it out. This way you can be clear and hold onto the letter until it's completely what "you" expect, want, need from her whether you continue the relationship or whether you end it.
That's an idea that I've found works well and I've done it. Unfortunately however, even after clarifying issues, people can change again, quickly, and realize that what they'd written to you, wasn't the whole story, or even honest.
Don't expect victory or a good outcome. In-fact expect nothing.
I did this with my brother. He told me "I understand. I'll give you XYZ."
Months later he entirely changed his mind and refused to give me XYZ, and he clearly did not understand, although he claimed that he had -- and that was it. Our relationship ended.
You can do your best, and still lose. See?
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
I feel like there maybe just needs to be some time to step away from the stress and see where things land. It is very messy, unpredictable, and frustrating. Honestly, this all just sucks.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
just to help you out.
my first husband was an officer in the air force. we were overseas. he had an affair with his secretary who was married to an airman.
she got pregnant!! he left me, she left her husband and they got married less than a week after our divorce.
i was devastated. people kept telling me things, but i wouldn't listen. hell, i think everyone knew but me...
it took five years before i would even go on a date, i was so messed up.
but what goes around comes around. after being married to him for about 20 years, she divorced him, took his military pay...so paybacks are *****es.
i hate to say it, but i felt vindicated.
so bad things do happen. you can't control them.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
quote:Originally posted by thehause: Mike - solid advice. Thanks for the words.
I feel like there maybe just needs to be some time to step away from the stress and see where things land. It is very messy, unpredictable, and frustrating. Honestly, this all just sucks.
Indeed it does man. There is good news though. If things don't workout, someone else is likely to fill the slot that you'll love. I say "likely" because that's generally what I see happen. So, there is the upside.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
RDaywillcome
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 21454
posted
I knew of an Army R.O.T.C. Captain and his wife was an RN. He started snapping and was so irritable and his wife didn't know who this wonderful easy going guy was.
He had been out in the fields and weeks after becoming irritable, he ended up with Bells Palsy.
Guess what? He didn't test right away for Lyme but eventually did.
If it's true love, she'll be there for you. If not, it wasn't meant to be. Give her space and try not to be needy. Posts: 1738 | From over the rainbow | Registered: Jul 2009
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Haley
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22008
posted
Hey Hause. I completely feel your pain. I'm not sure what the current status is of your relationship but I hope that things can still work out.
My boyfriend of 8 years recently ended our relationship. He told me that he resented my illness, of course there were other issues. He is also a doctor; I know that he didn't want to talk about illness when he came hame as he dealt with it all day. I rarely mentioned the word Lyme.
I also went through all of the stages when we split - panic, uncontrollable sadness and pain (like a knife in my stomach). We never did reconcile. I deal with loneliness but also have a sense of freedom because I don't have to feel guilty about being ill.
If there is someone else in the picture (another man) it may be more difficult to reconcile but not impossible.
The first thing you need to do is stop groveling and begging. Act as if you will be fine. Tell her that you hope it will work out but if not it's probably best. No one can love someone out of pity.
I recommend an older book called love must be tough. I think it will be helpful.
I'm keeping you in my prayers.
Posts: 2232 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
Haley, thank you. I should have posted this as I was noticing things going south. I just got off the phone with her where I did a lot of repetitive question asking and explaining of my recent beahvior (meds). It looked like I was just dumping all over myself and she absolutely got angry and annoyed. SO, we're not getting back together. What's strange is that I know my beahvior is wrong, I just can't control myself. THAT IS NEW. Is it lyme related? Maybe we'll talk again in a few months, but right now, its totally cut off and over. I blew it further tonight. Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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Haley
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22008
posted
Hause. I'm really sorry. Hang in there.
I know that we do crazy things when we see the one we love drifting away. I don't think it's lyme, I think it's probably panic, which is normal. Try your best to stay cool.
Make sure you have some friends that you can share your inner most thoughts with. If you don't have any, it's time to get out and find some.
Posts: 2232 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
Maybe it's time for you to work on your needs for awhile, which includes Lyme treatment - are you doing any treatment? Yes, Lyme affects our mind!
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I am on oral ABX, but I really haven't shown much improvement in the two years I've been on them. I should say much improvement at least regarding my neuro issues - feel like my memory is horrible, my ability to think deep and recognize issues is non-existent, and like I have a very bad attention span.
Posts: 372 | From west of the mississitty | Registered: Jul 2009
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I love her so much I just can't digest this. My willingness to continue this battle is so small. I know a lot of the insensivity I've shown is due to my "mental blocks". 
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