phyl6648
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28522
posted
I am a miserable person and no matter how I try noting makes me happy.. I am so sick and tried of feeling so weird and bad all the time.
Posts: 1058 | From VA | Registered: Oct 2010
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lyme in Putnam
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11561
posted
I know. Its a long haul for alot of us. I come here to read and see how other people are coping. I try to keep busy, but its hard when your brain isn't in the place it usually is or should be. Legs just started to feel like lead again, haven't had that in years. I just ask God to get me through and try to keep going. Its really hard. Yesterday was my sons 16th birthday. I was there but I wasn't, my mind wasn't my own how it usually is. All you could do is try. I'm tired of hearing one day at a time, but thats how it is. Trying to adjust to meds ssri and med for ocd, so you feel like you're in limbo from that. Some people don't think its good to take with lyme, I couldn't do it. I hope they work, but alot have and seem to be coping. PMif you want. Feel better
-------------------- He took u to it, He'll you through Posts: 2837 | From NE. | Registered: Apr 2007
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
My daughter was in the pit much of the time for a good while.
She would cry to me about how awful she felt and then cry to me because she felt thankless for all of the blessings she had in her life and she just couldn't figure it out for the life of her why she could not cling to the good things and that peturbed her more.
I would sympathize because I knew she was trying...no matter how often she broke down and it was countless times...I understand, a bit, how devastating it is...heck is was devastating for me and I was not the one ill.
It was the hardest time in our lives...it was a battle for ten years...I would not let my daughter be defeated.
I guess the way she was able to cope was talking to me, and trying to think of things that were plusses in her life...I called it the plus column...I would let her have her negative column, but I would always point out the plus column to her...and even though at times, the plus column would make her upset because she could not appreciate it at the time, she at least had those crumbs to come back to.
Does that make any sense? It is such a complicated thing...the hopelessness seems so hard to define.
You are trying too phyl6648...you are here talking to us and I hope that you can put that in your plus column.
Sue
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
hope this doesn't offend anyone-it is the truth.
i had to seriously contemplate suicide before i decided to change the way i looked at life instead. the rest of my life sure is not going to be the way i planned it.
but i decided even if all i could do was look at a grandchild it was worth sticking around for. that is-as long as neuropain-the tri geminal kind-can be controlled. living with that constantly would be a deal breaker
i've said this before but now i just feel happy i can kayak even tho i can't surf
i feel happy i can occasionally sit on a horse and walk instead of competing
often i feel the happiness of being able to pick or just smell a flower someone else has picked for me...instead of being able to have a garden
you have the choice of how you will react to this horible disease
its easy to get lost in negativity
but it is possible to tune into what makes you feel a little good now...books? tv? movies? music? pets? helping others on the net?
try to find something...once you start the process it kinda continues
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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phyl6648
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28522
posted
Thank each of you so much for your replies. There are days I can deal with this and days I seem desperate. I am suppose to be keeping my greatgran daughter but I am not able, there are a few days I can but I can see the look in my families eyes its like I am letting everyone down. I feel so guilty for wanting everyone to just let me take care of me. I guess the bugs are attacking my head today with all this depression. Thanks so much..
Posts: 1058 | From VA | Registered: Oct 2010
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MDW005
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22706
posted
phyl,
Try and treat your brain like a garden, water with loving thoughts and weed out the dark. Treat dark thoughts with contempt,and you will win. I have a poem that helps me...I will share with you okay?..Here goes
The Cross Room
The young man was at the ends of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have a heavy cross to bear." The Lord replied, "My son if you cannot bear it's weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door, and pick out any cross you wish."
The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed and did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall."I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. And the Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."
Friend, I do not know depression from lyme disease, I have been blessed to not experience this aspect of the disease. I do know what it feels like to live in pain and be fatigued most days. I also understand how pain and fatigued can be cruel to my mind. So all I am saying is please try and find a speck of positive to cling to and soon, you will find yourself again.
I have found in the silence, my God is with me. In the silence we find ourselves. No guilt friend. You must take care of you before you can another
-------------------- God's promises mean you always have something wonderful to look forward to. Posts: 2150 | From Georgia | Registered: Oct 2009
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kidsgotlyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23691
posted
lpkayak, THANK YOU for posting those words of wisdom.
I think I need to print that out and put it on my refrigerator.
-------------------- symptoms since 1993 that I can remember. 9/2018 diagnosed with Borellia, Babesia Duncani, and Bartonella Hensalae thru DNA Connections. Posts: 1470 | From Tennessee | Registered: Dec 2009
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
your welcome...you know when i read phyls response i wondered if i was off base with her and i pmed her and we are talking a lot now
but i told her i would leave that in case it would help someone else
i'm glad it did
once recently i said the thing about being able to pick and smell the flower now when i used to be able grow our food.
it was at a church group...not a lyme group...many were getting older and dealing with not having bodies behave the way they used to...and i got so many thank yous for sharing that. even from retired psychologists and other professionals.
so i whine and weep alot on here...but i know there is a time and a place for thinking that way and i am glad i can help
going thru the lyme experience is what made me so "wise"!!! (ha!)
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Along with all the other symptoms, this is the most difficult time of my life.
It is not as simple as just appreciating the blessings that we have.
When you are constantly curled up and screaming from the pain, and trying to endure the symptoms and herxes,
and not really knowing if I was going to die at any moment,
I just didn't know if I could make it.
I am still not sure.
I feel really happy, and I feel really sad.
It is so weird.
PM me anytime that you need.
-------------------- I am not a doctor. I have no clue. Posts: 606 | From somewhere out there | Registered: Sep 2009
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phyl6648
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28522
posted
Mdwoo, tks for your beautiful words. I have read that before but had forgotten. I believe every word and try but when you feel so bad and hurt with the mental stuff in your head.. Its so hard.
Missing, Yes I am in a lot of pain especially bone pain, the weird head thing and on and on..I can so relate to what you posted. Will pm u..
The "I can's" are less than they were were before but greater than they have been.
Life is already for years not what I planned. Whatever it will be it won't be what it seemed it was going to be.
coming to terms with that is grieving and heroically transforming. All by itself...
yes it is heroic to suffer this and live and have the courage to keep going when it feels like the future is a blank or worse.
last year when I was in the worst misery thus far...year 3 of 4.
I knew I was so seriously not right at least. but i wanted to die.
since then I realize it was the disease process affecting my brain--but only as it has improved.
I could say the truths of gratitude even if I did not feel much beyond hopeless misery.
I believe there is sustenance in that even when it doesn't feel like it.
-------------------- Not everything in life that can be counted counts and not every thing that counts can be counted...Albert Einstein Posts: 208 | From Northeast | Registered: Aug 2010
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Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
There is nothing 'wrong' with you other than you are weary and tired & there is everything 'right' with you since you recognized & expressed how you feel. You are alive, you will survive. You are not alone.
There is no such thing as a 'wrong feeling'. There is justification in all feelings and acknowledgement from those who care.
Your friends..............
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
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seekhelp
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 15067
posted
Lpkayak, that was a great post and very insightful. Thanks.
Posts: 7545 | From The 5th Dimension - The Twilight Zone | Registered: Mar 2008
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
i really like this it has been coming back to me for a few days:
Try and treat your brain like a garden, water with loving thoughts and weed out the dark. Treat dark thoughts with contempt,and you will win.
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I agree that this is a hard road to walk. I try to take it a day at a time but even on good days it is hard to see the sun through the clouds. If not for my sons I would have stepped in front of a speeding bus a while ago. These little buggers are my light and life these days.
Without a doubt you all on this site make a great difference for the good as well. Thank you for the support you give to everyone. YOU guys/gals are the heros in my book...
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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