philly78
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31069
posted
Before I started my downward spiral, I was working 40-50 hours/week, exercising at least 4 days a week, cooking dinner almost every night, bringing my son to karate and scouts, keeping up with the house and groceries, laundry etc. I was doing all the things to keep our household functioning.
Now? Not so much and it can be depressing at times. It takes everything out of me to go to work and when I am there most of my coworkers just don't get how bad I really feel b/c I don't look ill.
I get the feeling that most of them are just talking behind my back or think I'm crazy. Maybe it is paranoia. Not sure, but it feels real.
The day after work I am good for nothing.
I have no energy to clean. The laundry is piled up today. And I desperately need to go grocery shopping!
I don't know how but I managed to drive my son to a Drs appt yesterday and much of the trip is a blur.
My mother, who doesn't even have a job, has been telling me for months she would come and help me clean. She has yet to do so.
She is usually complaining about something though when I talk to her.
Blah I say! It kinda ****es me off too b/c I don't see much to complain about. She isn't working....does things as she pleases...just got the kitchen remodeled and has been on a couple of summer "vacations" already this year.
Life must be really freaking rough!
I look at the world and people around me and I get disgusted. Everything seems to set me off lately.
I can't stand driving anymore b/c of stupid drivers on the road. Like the person who speeds up only when you go to pass them. Or the one who drives who 25 miles BELOW the speed limit in the passing lane!
Then there are the ignorant people. Ya know, the ones who "know" everything when in reality, they don't know squat! I recently got the "let me explain reality talk" from a friend. This guy wouldn't recognize reality if it smacked him the face!
And the rudeness these days! Like the rude cashier who is talking on her phone instead of checking me out at the register. Or that person who stands so close to you in line, you feel suffocated. Don't these people know about personal space!
I cannot even begin to tell you just how frustrated I get with people who have a relatively good quality of life complaining about the most ridiculous bull****! OMG! What a tough world it must be when your biggest issue is deciding what color you should get your toenails painted. If only.
I was talking to another family member this morning and she asked me how I was doing. I just broke down in tears.
I feel like a horrible mother and wife some days. The house is in shambles. I didn't do any of my gardening this year. I haven't taken my son on the many day trips we usually go on. We haven't been to the pool in our development yet either. I don't even have the patience or mental clarity some days to play a board game with him.
My son is losing out on quality time with me and some days my patience are worn so thin, I raise my voice at him for no good reason at all.
I used to be a very sociable, outgoing and fun loving person. Now I am miserable, irritable and good for nothing most days.
When I'm feeling bad, I try to make things about me but then I feel bad for doing so...like I am being selfish. I don't know why but I feel a tremendous amount of guilt b/c I am sick.
Some days I just feel like a failure. Today is one of those days. I was feeling better physically this morning but now I'm an emotional mess!
Ever notice how you can hold it all together until someone asks you how your doing?
Yeah well...that was me today.
I can hold back the tears.
I can push through the day most of the time and put on my fake happy face while I'm crying on the inside.
I can remain quiet and nod in agreement for the sake of avoiding of an argument.
I can deal with the feelings of isolation and being alone.
This stems not from being physically alone, but from the ignorance of those who don't understand just how crappy I feel some days.
I can pretend to be "fine" for the simple fact that I just don't have it in me to try and explain how I really feel to people who will never understand.
Yep. That's me on most days. Going about life...living a lie...putting on a show for the world around me.
And I seem to have gotten pretty good at it too! That is...until someone who is sincere asks me how I am doing.
I just lost it.
I feel like a failure. A bad mother and wife and now I cannot stop crying.
I may put on a show that leads others to believe I'm fine. But I am not fine....far from it.
My tough exterior has been chipped away today and the truth has been exposed.
Emotionally, I am a mess. I am broken. I am weak. I am fragile.
My grandmother used to say that tough times don't last but tough people do. I'll have to keep reminding myself of this today b/c today is really just one of those days.
-------------------- When faced with pain you have two choices....either quit and accept the circumstances, OR make the decision to fight with all the resources you have at your disposal. Posts: 1000 | From PA | Registered: Mar 2011
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James1979
Unregistered
posted
I am sorry you're suffering like this. I know how it feels - not particularly from Lyme, but from other illnesses that were more debilitating for me personally than my Lyme.
Whenever I got stressed out and felt irritable over everything/everyone, I always just told myself: "You feel this way because you are sick. When you are healthy you do not feel this way. Just be patient through these negative emotions, and when you're healthy again your emotions will automatically become normal." After my illnesses were cured, my emotions did always return back to "normal".
It's very amazing how much an illness can change a person's personality. Usually I'm always happy and smiling all the time, but when I've had serious illnesses I've gone for months at a time without smiling once. I remember that sometimes I went so long without smiling that my face felt very strange the first time that I smiled again.
But I think we should remember that these things are always temporary. When we regain our health again, then our personality will return to normal... and actually better than normal, because usually we end up to be more thankful for everything and happier in general after the sickness is over.
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phyl6648
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28522
posted
Philly, I hear you and can relate to all you are going through. I am no longer able to work and my children are grown but I still have the great-grans I am trying to care for.
I wish I had an answer but I do not. I feel I am a wreck both emotionally and physically but the emotion part is the hardest of all.
All I can say is please don't be to hard on yourself you are doing the best you can and more.
Wish I could make all the pain go away for all of us.. I so understand.. hugs
Posts: 1058 | From VA | Registered: Oct 2010
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Dogsandcats
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28544
posted
Guilt, the unhealthy motivator. My life is filled with should, would, could haves-some imposed by others and a lot I place on myself.
I try to pick what I can do in order of importance. In your case it might be taking your son to pool or playing a game. The rest just waits. You are sick. I don't care how wonderful you may look, your body is telling you it is not well. And at the end of the day the co workers will move on to another topic of interest.
I always say you can't drive the car without gas. You can't do all things. the guilt just made me more ill. Not everyone is as excited when I get something small done, my husband is very critical. But I do the best I can and try to shove the wish list to when I can. Your health is most important. I am sorry you are hurting.
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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payne
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26248
posted
philly78, I am so Proud of YOU.
you have compassion.. you have determenation.. Anger is a good emotion, Use it to get where you need to be. You spoke of what is in many of our lives. You, reconize your weaknessess, your guilt is our guilt, we all stir with thoughts of what needs to be done, dragging ourselfs to do it... some times we can't.. But, I can tell you use to, and that alone makes you a achiever and setting your mind to get things done, some folks never got anything done when they felt good.. as for the idiots in this world, they are there weather you feel bad or not.. they just can't feel your struggle, even little things...just picking up a piece of litter, when you know if you bend over to grab it you are risking your very being, Yes, I am PROUD of You.. I tell people I have a super bug, that usaully gets the heads up on oh, we know about those. I have told off all my friends this week over lyme rage, and now i have to apolligise to them.. It wasn't me it was this SUPER BUG.. most had it coming.. Venting, break the stress and do it here, WE ALL,,, UNDERSTAND. you go girl.. do what you can, let someone else do the rest, or just let it rest. I have found do alot of little things everday that get the big things done, pace yourself, so, what if tomorrow it ain't done? I looked around at the store today, I saw many people i would think have Lyme.. many disabled and old folks pressing on.. we are not alone in this. look around and see how many folks you would like to walk up to and say... "do you have Lyme Disease" well, long enough on my 2 cents.. you are a force to be reconded with...
-------------------- TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ? Posts: 1931 | From mid-michigan | Registered: Jun 2010
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philly78
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31069
posted
Thank you all.
Yesterday was just a brutal day for me emotionally. But the sun is shining this morning and I'm sitting here enjoying the silence.
Today will be a better day.
-------------------- When faced with pain you have two choices....either quit and accept the circumstances, OR make the decision to fight with all the resources you have at your disposal. Posts: 1000 | From PA | Registered: Mar 2011
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payne
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26248
posted
yes, philly... see how strong you are, reconising yesterday.. there will be more yesterdays and you can look back and think I climbed that mountain, once I can climb it twice... I to sit in silence, the same sun is shinning here too.. the chickens are busy, that full moon really brings out the bugs.. breath deep and slow, God Loves You. Good Morning, wheat comes in today. harvest begins here in michigan 100 acres.. start at 11am
-------------------- TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ? Posts: 1931 | From mid-michigan | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
Wow, I can really relate. I read so much of your post and thought, yep, me too!!
I don't have much advice for you.. but you are not alone! Take one day & one minute at a time. That's what I do. It's hard not to lose your cool sometimes...especially around certain people!
Hang in there!!
-------------------- "The simple things can get you through the hardest times." Posts: 628 | From Connecticut | Registered: Sep 2010
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scorpiogirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31907
posted
Hi, I too can relate! Some days I just want to throw myself on the floor and cry like a babe. Yesterday was one of those days. We found out that our 6 years old also has Lyme. I am beyond sad right now. My heart is aching for her knowing she will have to endure some tough times ahead. Oh and not to mention the financial burden.
-------------------- Posts: 1391 | From Lyme Land | Registered: May 2011
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payne
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26248
posted
she has a Great MOM... Thats a good start, I wish we all had great moms. LLM.. lyme literate Moms. I don't know her Name .. But, The Lord does, I will with others raise her to His Love. Provide, Lord... Be there in all things.. Children.. your child, this saddens me much. As, the tears run down my face, God, we not wonder what this means, But, in faith look to You To Do Your Word... Heal Her, By The Blood of Jesus A Devine Healing Lord, We Ask It. Let it be your Will. Send Mighty Angels To Cleanse Her. SCORPIOGIRL, Tonight, I will find the strenght to sit in the Moon and Pray. I am Only the lightening rod, I am not God, But, a GOD Fearing Man, there is No Glory in my name..(i) all Praises and Glory is The Lords. We Trust In HIM. Our Father art in Heaven.
-------------------- TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ? Posts: 1931 | From mid-michigan | Registered: Jun 2010
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philly78
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31069
posted
The good news...if any...is that you're a pro now! So you'll know what things to watch out for and will make a great advocate.
I hear ya though. I still think my son has it but right now, we're treating him for myco. I'm gonna have my chiro do some tests on him next week at his treatments he gets for food allergies.
-------------------- When faced with pain you have two choices....either quit and accept the circumstances, OR make the decision to fight with all the resources you have at your disposal. Posts: 1000 | From PA | Registered: Mar 2011
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posted
I just have to say this: that was a super great vent! I could just feel, along with you, how good that must have felt to get all that OUT!
Isn't it just wonderful and amazing that we have one another?
I am realizing, more and more, how lost I would be, frightened at the thought of where I would be, if I did not have my online, very supportive and non-judgmental friends!
I know it is so very difficult to let go of who we were. I call it a "grieving of my former self." Some days, I believe I am coming to terms with this new me, expecting only what this new person can do and nothing more.
Other days, I am still overly critical of her, but I know that, and the guilt is not healthy. I have had to reorganize some of my priorities. I have had to now reward myself for the little things. What can I do today? Instead of look at this mile-long "list of things to do," that is not getting done.
Have I mastered all of the above yet? Far from it, but I believe I am getting better at acceptance. It is definitely not easy for those of us who led previously very active lives.
I also continue to be moved by hope and the absolute knowledge that I will be well again, back to who I was again...someday, and looking back, I will know that those things I had to let go of, in the process of reorganizing my priorities, probably mattered very little to begin with.
I have days like the one you described. And, like you, I know that the next day will always be better. Thank God for our tomorrows.
-------------------- Best Wishes,
Hope
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
~~The Shawshank Redemption~~ Posts: 234 | From Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2010
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jackie51
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14233
posted
Gosh, I can certainly relate to your post. Just the fact that you can recognize all these feelings is a big deal. I can remember being so ****ed and not even knowing why.
Venting is good as is a good cry. Hope today brings you joy and some relief.
LLM's? That's a good one.
Posts: 1374 | From Crazy Town | Registered: Dec 2007
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payne
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26248
posted
DETOXING with TEARS...
-------------------- TULAREMIA/rabbit fever ? Posts: 1931 | From mid-michigan | Registered: Jun 2010
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