Topic: Have lost/am losing the ability to sympathize
GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Hi all,
Not sure this is a side effect of lyme, (altering brain function), (adrenal stress), (fatigue)...
But lately, when people who DON'T have lyme, or have never had lyme, tell me their trivial pain problems, like, "I have a splinter" or "I have a headache today" all I want to do is roll my eyes and tell them to ____ themselves.
Like really!!! You're complaining about a headache? For one day? What I wouldn't give to have a headache for ONLY one day!!!! Or the worst part of my day to be a splinter in my finger!
That sounds like heaven!
All I want to say to them is, "REALLY!? Can you not find another person on this planet to complain to about your trivial pain? Do you have to come to me, a person who is in agony every day, every minute, and complain? Do I have the energy to sympathize with you about your boo-boo?"
Argh....
What do you guys say to things like this? I don't want to lose my friends or family. I realize things aren't about me, but I really don't have any energy left to sympathize with someone about their splinter. I am right on the edge of a verbal tirade and losing friendships.
The best I can come up with is, "Ouch"
Responding to a pulled muscle complaint with, "Congratulations, that must feel great! What I wouldn't give for just a pulled muscle." seems a little cruel, but honestly, that is the thought I have.
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- What you describe yourself going through is actually not just understandable but rather common once someone has experienced such severe pain and turmoil with a devastating illness such as lyme.
I think this is also why some doctors can't bear to listen to many with lyme. They don't believe us, think it's trivial and have seen what they think is worse. But that ignorance is another topic - it's just that we can fall into that sort of trap, too.
It may help to stop. Breathe. Think back to before lyme and you had a "splinter" (or whatever else). It probably did hurt. I recall pinching the bed of my thumbnail in a door when someone closed it and I screamed so loud from the pain. It was an automatic reaction.
I was told that I overreacted. But I did not. It's what my body did - and it was horrifically painful. I really felt pain much more intensely than I should have (a clue then that I overlooked).
So, for the benefit of the doubt, the little stuff that others report may be really painful for them.
And, sometimes, folks share this stuff just for something to talk about.
Sometimes, they may not have the knowledge to do what they need to do to offset that pain. Or the emotional skill for other kinds of upset.
If you value these people in your life (or even on the planet) . . . it's important to be kind, but you can also be very BRIEF and step away &/or change the topic.
You can figure out what YOU need to do then because you are likely too ill to really be in conversation with them at that time if you feel like you can't connect.
I know the thoughts and the feelings and I hope they never have to know the kind of pain that goes with lyme so I just try to wish them the best, offer a quick solution as to what might help and then step aside or move the topic.
I've not known too many to dwell on their pain but if they do, it's quite fine to say that you just don't have the endurance for conversation right then and excuse yourself.
Mostly, though, I'm just never around many folks now as just too ill to be part of any conversations.
When you find yourself unable to tolerate conversations, it's sign you need to rest - now.
And, going through all this "growing up" we may naturally gravitate toward a different kind of friend and away from others. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Adrenal support may help you be able to better tolerate the ho-drum that goes with some conversations.
Topic: NATURAL SLEEP & ADRENAL SUPPORT -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- The inability to sympathize could also have to do with some of the nerve damage that goes with lyme - or changes in how the brain works - or is stressed. In addition to adrenal stress, and the neurotoxic load of it all, our brain processing center can be so off kilter.
We have so much going on to process that, very often, we just can't process one more thing, especially something with an emotional charge.
Give yourself a break, be understanding. And know that, most likely, in the future, you'll be able to manage more. For now, just realize that you have to "step away from" the situation.
Practice a few key phrases that will allow you to connect on some basic level while you back pedal your way out.
If you watch "The Big Bang Theory" on CBS, that sitcom, take a clue from the character, Sheldon, who has no empathy for others but has learned to "read" certain clues and then has a set of pat responses. That will at least keep you a little entertained, eh?
We know that our social order dictates we respond accordingly. With lyme, we have to go through so many other motions of life on autopilot so this may be not so different at times. But, with relationships, it's important to show true caring and concern for others. We can do that in just a few words, really.
Then, "step away" and go lie down in a dark & quiet room to recharge your batteries. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Thanks Keebler.
The reminder about remembering how things hurt pre-lyme is a good one.
Lyme makes us so used to constant pain... maybe it numbs us. Not as much contrast between the pain of broken bones and the constant pain of lyme...
You're right, if I had no pain, and hadn't for a while, and broke a bone, the contrast between feeling good and a broken bone would be so sharp, I would scream for sure.
I no longer talk about my lyme pain or symptoms with anyone who doesn't/hasn't had lyme. I always imagine them thinking, "Shut up, it can't be that bad."
Which is exactly what I think when they complain about their once yearly headache.
Oh the irony.
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
I'll youtube that episode now...
Write down the pat responses on flash cards...
And keep my friends for a while longer. haha!
Thanks Keebler Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- It's not any one particular episode but more of his on-going character development. Probably more examples of this in their season one. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
Oh I'm even worse!
Last year BIL, SIL and three nieces came to visit. BIL is attorney who owns his own firm. SIL is stay-at-home mom. Three kids are fantastic.
They ski, ride, travel, you-name-it. Oh, they own a summer home.
After arriving in their SUV, having driven from CA, BIL starts complaining about traffic.
My inner dialogue: "Are you kidding me?!!"
"You got to have kids! You are THRIVING on one income! You own two homes! You take vacations!!!!"
"We may not recover from our life-altering, disabling, devastating diseases. We missed the boat on kids. We have wiped out all of our financial resources. We don't take vacations."
"I would sell ANY body part to have what you have!! And I would sit in traffic EVERY DUMB DAY thanking my lucky stars!!!"
"Any other first world problems you need to complain about??!!!!"
Of course I said, "Oh that's too bad. Traffic can be such a nightmare this time of year."
lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
well i think you are pretty normal and healthy to have that response
some of you know i got a recent cancer dx and now all of a sudden realtives and friends are coming out of the woodwork to help and i am dumfounded (first i was angry-but i vented here and now...i just cant believe it
i have been begging for help for years...half my life i have suffered from lyme...i have been dismissed and called crazy and shunned...
now they want to help????this cancer stuff is NOTHING compared to the lyme...anyway
you are the norm...dont put yourself down about this
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Ellen101
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 35432
posted
I don't know..I think I try to remember there are many much worse off, lyme induced or not. Sure I have days when I feel like wallowing in self pity and don't want to hear about others seemingly trivial problems. But I feel it's also important to remember that there are those much worse off and to them my issues would seem trivial..
Posts: 1748 | From United States | Registered: Dec 2011
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
You make a good point. I am incredibly grateful for a bed, food, fresh water, a working vehicle, access to medical care, and so much more.
But when I meet someone who doesn't have those, I don't start complaining about the little annoyances that go with the things I have.
"Oh the cost of gas!"
"Oh my food intolerances!"
"Oh the lumps in my bed!"
I don't mind listening to people and expressing some sympathy and support.
Perspective is useful for individuals. It does help with the bad days.
But it's a double-edged sword, because it's also dismissive, both personally and politically.
"Your problems aren't as bad as so-and-so's, so your problems don't matter. Don't expect help or sympathy. In fact, why can't you just be fine?"
"We don't like your problems. They don't resolve. You need to find personal empowerment and get over this."
This happens to all disenfranchised groups, including those with Lyme.
Not picking on anyone's coping mechanisms. Or their own perspectives.
But we have lost each other when we stop caring. And when we can't acknowledge challenges and stick up for each other, we are in trouble.
GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Thanks for all the responses everyone.
It is nice to know I'm not alone with this mindset.
I used to be a very patient and nurturing person. Lately I just find that I don't have a lot of energy left over to devote to other people's complaints. Emotional and otherwise.
Which is unfair and selfish of me.
So I try to put myself in their shoes, which most of the time doesn't help, because I get jealous that the worst part of their week was a staple in the finger, or a foot cramp.
What I wouldn't give for JUST a foot cramp. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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posted
Thinking about this, I was healthy for 27 or 28 years, and for me, with a couple health exceptions, normal life was my standard - it's all I knew.
So I try to remember that now, that people really are living different realities, and for that person, that is their truth. I listen, but obviously, this has changed us, and my feelings about health problems are different than theirs, but that's not their experience.
I really it's best if we keep in touch with other Lyme patients, because it is us who understand each other the best.
What happens sometimes, is one of those healthy people contacts me, panicked, with a tick bite or actual beginning symptoms, and asks me how do we do this!
So we are for real! Never forget that! And I have helped a number of newbies falling into our world.
I think people don't want to face any possibility of their apocalypse until they're forced to.
All I knew is I didn't want to get AIDS when I first heard about it in the early 80s. And I didn't, so I think I'm smart for that, to pay attention to something I didn't have. Most people don't pay attention, and many have to learn the hard way.
What was really ironic, though, was not knowing I had Lyme then! Is life a cosmic joke or what?
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Hi Robin123,
I completely agree with your post.
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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posted
Yeah, the more I think about it, people are just being real with us - they have not gone through this most life-jarring experience and really don't know what we're talking about.
So if someone's actually interested, I try to find analogies with them, like did you ever have something that didn't go away for a long time,
or that caused you not to be able to do what you planned on doing, or made you sick and you didn't know what to do -
I probe a little and see if they can come with something that frustrated them in the past, and work with that - their feelings, their frustrations, maybe what they learned,
and then come back to this, saying this is an ongoing experience presenting us with constant conundrums, etc.
If they're the least sympathetic, it's ok. If not, I don't waste my time.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Good idea! That may be the best way for people to realize lyme isn't like a splinter or a cramped foot.
Thanks Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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