Topic: i think i did the right thing...family stuff,alcoholism, hurt feelings blah blah blah
lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
in june when i was worried about knee replacement surgery i got blindsided by a dx of breast cancer and had to stop everything to deal with it
during that time i stopped talking to everyone in the family except one brother who was supposed to let the other siblings know and one child who let the other kids know what was going on.
there is some alcholism in the family...some recovered...some worse than others...i had been getting along with everyone for a long time altho there were many little fights over the years and some of the others dont speak to each other(there are 6 of us)
in june a sister that i kinda walk on eggs around called to tell me happy birthday...twice...it was obvious she had been drinking and i just couldnt deal with it. then...she caught me off guard and i said something mean to her. it was true. but mean. i had never done it before.
after i got home from hospital in sept from knee surgery i texted her twice i was sorry...then emailed twice and never heard back. a month or so later i found out she didnt text and was moving so never saw the emails.
i left a message on her voicmail and still didnt hear back.
after talking with a brother we both get along with...i left a second phone message. mostly just "im sorry i was out of line i had a lot going on."
she emailed me back...on and on about stuff that had happened and how bad i was but i think she remembers it wrong cuz she is impaired so much. its like she makes up what the truth is.
recently i read that some alcoholics are in such denial they really dont know they have a problem...
and i did help her daughter years ago plan an intervention but at the last minute her kids sabotages the whole thing. i was sick back then and it took a lot out of me...so i decided i just couldnt help anymore. and the counselor helping us said it is very common for kids to sabotage intervention and be in denial themselves.
any way...i wrote back 3 sentences to her long rant 1) i was blindsided by cancer in june and kinda busy(she was really angry i wouldnt talk to her and wanted her to get info from the one brother i was talking to 2) i didnt know why her daughter said something(i didnt -it wasnt a conversation i had with her daughter) 3) i would always love her.
i hope i did the right thing. im the oldest...was a mother figure to all of them for a long time...but i am so tired now. i just have to limit the negativism. it makes me sad. but i just cant fix this.
others here have encouraged me to stay away from the negative...at this same time i made my ex's wife mad at me too...we had always gotten a long...but i said i didnt want company and she came over anyway! when i wouldnt see her she got mad.
i just dont know. but i dont have the energy to take care of me and a 10 lb dog. i just cant keep everyone happy.
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
quote:Originally posted by lpkayak:
in june a sister that i kinda walk on eggs around called to tell me happy birthday...twice...it was obvious she had been drinking...
THIS is your problem, not the fact that you snipped at her. When someone drunk dials you (or whatever) and you don't want to deal with it, it is THEIR problem! Not yours! Ever!
And more so since you walk on eggshells around her. You don't know how she'll react, so you're taking responsibility for her shi**y behavior. Stop it.
If my husband called me twice while blind drunk and I snipped at him, I would tease him the next day and HE would apologize. That is how a normal person behaves.
Now you are groveling because she couldn't respect a boundary you'd set. You wanted space, not drunks on the phone.
Stop. No more apologies. You are in the right.
Please research Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. You'll be like, "Wow. Did these writers grow up in my family?"
Yes, they did.
These behaviors are abhorrent. Selfish. Punitive toward others.
And, yes, disordered people invent their own realities to suit themselves. Often to punish others for THEIR OWN lack of empathy and boundaries.
Then the recipient apologizes and grovels to get the "punishment" to stop.
It is a sick cycle. She will never stop. YOU have to stop.
Next time she disrespects a boundary, say to yourself, "What a selfish so-and-so. It's like she can't hear a word I say."
She can't. Because it doesn't serve her.
And you never have to explain yourself. No more three point emails. It's giving her attention and ammunition. It does not benefit you at all.
Stop feeling guilty for other people's bad behavior. It's what they trained you to do, and it's sick and controlling.
Cut the cord if you need to, but mostly, don't play their dumb games.
posted
Well said, you two!! Take care of YOU, kayak! You deserve a break!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
wow boxer. thank you. wow. i hear you loud and clear.
and steve i totally agree: Be strong, and try your best not to get angary, getting angary and stressed only puts you one step backwards.
and lymetoo...thank you for chiming in.
i thought i was on the right track...just needed to hear it from someone else
thank you all for being there
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
it was clear to me the sibling i was referring to is sick. and maybe that is why i walked on eggs for so long and didnt confront her again after the intervention until i was super stressed.
your reply about him having apathy and disregard for you and us being better away fromm this negativity made me realize i clearly have to stay away. i forgot how she said in her rant"i have listened to your whining for many years..." so my lyme which has affected me way more than the cancer was "whining to her" so yeah...she doesnt have a clue
im sorry you are going thru this and hope you can be strong and distance yourself...i know this kind of stuff makes it harder for us to get better...and we deserve to be able to get better
holidays are ruff on families. i hope we all get thru ok
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
You have to let go. Remember what I went through with my sisters after mom died? Well I have very little contact with thwm now. I may call every 3 or 4 months or so but thats it.
They have called a couple times wanting money. How interedtingt. Last time I sent it but I told them not to ask for any more period. I'm done with handouts.
Take it from me....your fAmily will destroy you and then say its your fault.
Be strong hon...you have enough taking care of yourself
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
It is not my responsibility to fix anyone, nor do I have to subject myself to abuse nor do I have to listen to others abuse those I care about.
Because of this I dont have any communication with my brother. no love lost. what is love anyway? an emotional ploy? or is it actions that always intend to heal and never harm?
Been there. Done that and done with that.
If my brother ever came around and asked me why I stopped communicating I would simply say that I consider him a dangerous person to my mental and spiritual well-being and I have freed myself from his conflict ... but I doubt he will come around at this point.
Posts: 803 | From USA | Registered: Oct 2013
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posted
I was married to an alcoholic with an alcoholic family for over 30 years.
I finally went to my first Al-Anon meeting in 2007, and found the understanding and support that I needed to deal with the effects that had on me after living in insanity for so long.
Al-Anon meetings are in almost every town in America and around the world, and you can find a list of meetings in your area on their website. They also have phone meetings for the house bound.
Take care of yourself first, you can't help anyone else if you don't.
Posts: 123 | From Pawleys Island SC | Registered: Mar 2013
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
Ty. Yes my sibling also married into an alcoholic family and I was so proud of her when she divorced out of that family actually she did it twice and remarried him before divorcing a second time
what caught me off guard and I didn't expect was that she has become an alcoholic also. and she seems to be in total denial
I have used al-anon in the past and I do understand it intellectually it just gets so mucked up emotionally
Its good to be able to come here for a loving wake up call
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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