randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
no wonder I'm crazy...
the people finally moved out of my sister's house. now my other sister is having to pay for carpet cleaning, professional house cleaners, duct cleaners...her mattresses are ruined, washer is broke, vacuum broke, windows busted, needs new security locks, locking mailbox,,,,,and the list goes on.
she invited these strangers in and then they wouldn't leave. a year and a half later she's broke flat. they filled her basement and have yet to empty it.
so sister calls and says I need a thousand dollars. I already sent her four hundred.
soooo husband goes absolutely into a berserker rage. I mean viking warrior rage. he's saying this is last time, let her fail. I said look I have my inheritance and he said you mean our money. he's spent over a grand jus this week.
so we're fighting over this. I don't ask for much financially so this is small......
but the stress is causing major shortness of breath, jittery, you name it.
and I'm supposed to stay there for a couple of months.
sorry jus venting.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Why would you have to ask his permission to use your money? However that dynamic got set up, I'm not sure but it's not right and is downright psychologically unhealthy for you in so many ways.
If your inheritance was put into your bank account, there is nothing he can do about that. If not, I'd get it out now into your own account.
This is between your sister(s) and yourself. Not your husband's business. Were he to be the kind of spouse who could listen appropriately as you shared your thoughts & feeling about this, that would be one thing, but he is not. So don't even discuss with him.
The issue here, though, is not really about the money or your sister. It's about the control and ownership he's taken over that money, thinking it belongs to him.
And the verbal abuse not just of words but of tone, threats, well, that's certainly something to take seriously as far as if that is the kind of person you want to be with.
Don't give up your control over money that came from your mother and don't give up control over how you make decisions that are yours to make. Just be wise about how you do that. You do not have to share everything, you know, not in that kind of abusive relationship.
I'd sure be keeping a lot of thoughts to myself as your thoughts are just fuel for his fury.
This is not intended as criticism but this scenario plays out in cycle and I urge you to seriously consider the character and nature of the human in your company. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Is that a healthy choice? There are options. You deserve better. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- For your sister, these guys are amazingly strong, fast, efficient and I give them top rating from the time I used them a few years ago. Not sure of price now, for $100. a hour, two of the strongest young men I've seen did excellent work.
Just let them have at that basement. They take stuff to recycle, donate, safe disposal, too. But you don't have to sort it out.
GOT JUNK? - Columbus, Ohio -- or enter zip for other locations
1-800-468-5865 -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
I know I know....I'm such a coward. maybe Ohio will be a break...
under ohio law they have tenant rights and she can't get rid of their trash for a year. she has to notify them but they left no forwarding address.
it's a huge mess. they have the law on their side and that's so wrong.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- If there is a health hazard, she may be able to dispose if it. That's worth looking into.
If they left no forwarding address, they have dropped the ball and she should no be inconvenienced or have to endure hardship about that.
If some of their stuff is really trash, that is trash, in my book. But I'd document, photograph, etc. Put an add in the newspaper, not identifying herself but making it clear so they will recognize themselves if they read it (without actually identifying them outwardly) -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- randibear,
It's not about being a "coward" - it's about making decisions. If you decide that you will take this or that, then case closed. If you decide you will say what you need to say and be firm, that is one way to handle matters. If you decide to rearrange how the mechanics of your life are, that's another.
It's about what decisions we make, given the circumstances. If the "coward" part is due to fear, wisdom is a good thing to hold onto. But anytime there is fear, it's not going to be healthy. There are wise ways to address, rearrange and expand our choices. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
I'm afraid....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Yeah. Just know that you are not a coward, okay? It does take courage to weather these storms from someone who is exhibiting " viking warrior rage" as you say.
There are real reasons to stay safe, of course. Your safety is first. Proceed wisely.
I just hope you can find safety in a way / place / in the company of those who are well grounded in the principles of respect.
In the time being, be sure to hold onto your own respect as best you can. Stand up inside of yourself even if you have to put on a different mask.
There are counseling services around for practical and emotional support, though, just keep that in mind. Stay strong inside. Carry yourself as you might see a favorite female actor (or comedienne) in a similarly tough role.
How would Meryl Streep handle things? Diane Keaton, etc.? Then put a male actor in your role. How would they handle it? What would they say or do?
A little fun to role play in our minds yet this is an important tool to helping us find our own voices and demeanor. How would certain actors proceed in conversations to keep them from becoming fights or peppered with control? How do they set their boundaries?
How can comedy be best put to real use to help lighten the load even in very stressful times? If you can get someone to laugh at a quick joke, easier to shift the conversation or just slip out of the room, at least.
There are still decisions dozens or hundreds of times a day in how we will handle each interaction. That is very stressful. Hope you find your comedy Genie.
Try carrying yourself physically like a good strong actor / actress. You may be surprised at how empowering that can be. Do not compare actual body shapes or height, though.
Changing our posture, putting fuller breath behind our statements, feeling grounded from the bottom of our feet and free from the tip of our head . . . it all helps in how others see us, too.
And carefully plan for time when you can be yourself, breathe free and feel safe.
[ 08-21-2015, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Find room for new energy - even if just by putting on your metaphorical dancing shoes. Feel this voice, Three minutes of pure delight at YouTube:
BLUE HARLEM with sensational Sophie Shaw -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- If your sister has their license plate numbers or, better yet, their driver's license numbers they may be able to somehow trace them through the DMV since they left no forwarding address.
Just a thought, can't hurt to call and ask. Many rental contracts take the driver's license number. Even if the DMV can tell someone where they went, there may be some kind of help or message they could send since, after (usually) 30 days they will be required to change their license address.
Better yet, after a couple weeks, they are likely to file a change of address with the Post Office. This tells how to get a letter to them:
Request "Address Service Requested with Post Office"
[ 08-21-2015, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
I ran into the thing about taking care of tenents crap in nh
I boght a house there was 4' snow on ground. When it melted the yrd was full of building materials. I was required by law to care for his stuff, hire a lawyer to do stuff..special letters, court, and then i eas sent a letter that he had been told to remove whst he wanted. He had 3 months...my responsibility til then...it was almost snowing again and he was still homeless
There are some strange laws on the books
Randi...with your life...i really think you need to do whatever you have to, to learn to meditate. The stress will kill you if you dont. Im serious. Im not deep into eastern religion but when i was sick, working stressful job an.hour awsy, raising four kids(and a husband)...had a barn full of horses...there was a sign on the door..."mommys meditating"....and NO ONE bothered me for 20 min...two times a day
I never would have made it without that. I dont think my kids would either.
Take care of yourself
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
legally she has to notify them by letter but they left no address. if she can't find them she has to keep it for one year...unbelievable.
they had to use snow shovels inside to get it off the floor. imagine hoarders on tv...
we screamed and yelled. it didn t work. they moved in, never paid rent not a dime. mooched off of her. wrecked her car. other stuff. they could not get in touch with her because they carried her phone.
it was like she was brainwashed or something. when they left they stole all her food.
I could go on but you get the picture. it's bad.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Was she on drugs? Sounds like something a druggie would do to get "free" drugs.
I would pay to put all the %$#@ in storage for one year. I sure wouldn't want to see it every day.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
I think the people were,,yes. my sister I'm not sure.
we didn't know how bad it was until they told her to start selling her stuff for money. then the light came on and she said get out. but only after they'd taken all her money. trashed and wrecked everything.
she's lost probably 20 grand. the truth is finally being told. she isn't mentally competent to take care of herself and that's the bottom line.
my god, how could she let these people do this? now they won't answer her calls and she's got a basement full of their clothes, toys, everything.
and she seems clueless that we're having to spend all this effort. she's like oh I'm so glad my house is being cleaned and I'm thinking "you damn idiot. do you even know how much trouble this all is and what danie is going through?"
I can't help it.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Sounds stressful...but the good news is those people are gone and you are going to be with yoir sister.
When you get there, you will be able to assess the situation and choose a course of action.
With time, things will work out...you are not a pushover...remember, you have your faculties still intact.
I think you are freaking out cause you care about your sis and that is understandable.
Sorry your husband is being a horses ass. Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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I concur with Keebler's first response to your initial post.
You stated, quite plainly, in one posting, one succinct phrase 'I am scared...' I am super scared for you as well. Please, there are many women's shelters that offer support groups for these situations. You don't have to even be in a process of leaving a partner, however, they do give you emotional support.
A lot of what you say went on with your sister and her tenants, honestly, I see your husband acting the same way toward you and also the money from your inheritance.
Your sister needs to fail. She sounds like someone that needs adult protective services, like you mentioned, to step in and care for her for awhile. You absolutely need a break.
She needs more help in different ways than you or the rest of your family can provide, no matter how much you try to help her.
My mother had to let me fail in order to get the help I needed when I was in my 20s. I survived and actually have a very healthy relationship with her now. Plus I know the resources I need if I should ever need them again.
I may be completely out of line saying all the above and I definitely cannot know all of the circumstances involved. I can only relate in the fact that I left a very abusive partner 9 months ago. I had the sheriff and a court order to have him escorted out of the house. It was very scary.
My health is getting better now instead of worse. It was a good, yet scary, step in the right direction.
We all care about you here and are concerned.
Edessa
Posts: 138 | From Eden Prairie, MN | Registered: Dec 2011
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