Topic: started new job- 1st since very sick- need support
LisaK
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posted
I don't know why , but I always need help in making decisions that overwhelm me.
I started this job yesterday. temp for Christmas at a craft store. First 'real' job since I have started feeling better.
it was so much for me. 4 hours and I walked like a zombie to my car after and as soon as I sat down I felt the need to cry to vent tension, etc., but I did not let myself cry.
I still feel like crying over it. gave myself the chance to recover over night. today my hands/arms are so sore from working cash register yesterday.
my sx have gotten worse and I am a mess.
BUT, I don't want to blow a chance to...... work, make some money, get out there, prove I can do it... all that good stuff.
my husband said "no one likes to work" and "you wil get used to it", but I am not too sure. I am so afraid of feeling physically bad again.
I was just starting to feel pretty good and get a lot done around the house and cook meals and do laundry again and all that.
now I feel I might be too exhausted to do all those things if I work- at least at a job that is so draining and only pays a tiny bit over minimum wage.
have you tried to work? what happened? when do you know it's time? or the type of job you can handle?????
I am on verge of tears, but won't let myself cry. what's wrong with me???
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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posted
Nothing is wrong with you!!! Your sick. I remember trying to clean houses and I only had 3 houses a month. I had put up signs on mailboxes around my neighborhood. I charged on average $65 a house. They were small 3 bedroom, took me about 3hrs.
The day after i cleaned i would have to lay on the couch all day. It was horrible, I hated it and then had to quit when i started malarone.
Good luck, it's hard i know!
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steve1906
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Lisa, I’m sorry your first day didn’t go well. Going back to work after treating Lyme is hard; very hard, it’s different for each individual how we respond to it.
Maybe after a few days things will improve, one can only hope.
Listen to your body, you started feeling better lately and you don’t want to go backwards again.
Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault, at least you’re trying!
Good luck, Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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Keebler
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posted
- Do you have to be on the cash register? I ask for - oh - so many reasons. Might there be a different post that would work for both you and the store's manager?
And, by his statement, I'm not sure your husband understands the complexity of this at all. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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LisaK
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posted
I just called and quit. I realize there is no way it would work right now.
Just the thought of 5 hours doing what I did yesterday makes me want to explode in tears. and no, my husband doesn't understand completely no matter how on board he is with my (and his too but much more mild) disease.
I feel like a weight was lifted off me. I will stay on track doing what I can do which is making arts and crafts and selling them to shops and at markets. slow but steady. and I can take breaks an dgo to the bathroom when I need to.
I feel bad about this, but it is what it is.
now I gotta tell hubby....... o boy....
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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steve1906
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Quitting was probably the right decision at this point and time.
Explain to your husband the anxiety and pain is not worth getting sicker (I hope he understands). You need to maintain your strength/hearth for yourself & family.
I’m sure in time you’ll be able to try again.
Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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Keebler
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posted
- You might check out ETSY as an avenue to show your crafts, too.
eBay - you would be surprised at all the good "shops" on eBay now. -
[ 10-14-2014, 06:17 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
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posted
- When you say you "feel like crying over it" that can send the wrong message to others. They think it's a girl thing or just overly dramatic.
It sounds like it "made you ill." Or "was too much for your body to manage" or . . . . "very medically not right for you at this time." I still can't put the right phrase to it.
And, still, it's okay to cry. It's natural and actually, helps us be more compassionate with ourselves. But that need to cry - in public - under stress --- to feel overwhelmed, that's a warning sign that you are not in the right place.
Back to language as we attempt to have others understand:
I just learned a long time to ago to even stop telling people I was "too tired" because that just did not cover it, not at all. I was "too sick." Period.
It's not just a matter of explaining to your husband about anxiety and pain. Any anxiety is a MESSAGE from your body that your entire neurological, adrenal systems are overloaded - that's the simple explanation.
When lyme (or other things)infect the nerves, the nerve ending react sharply to ANY Stimuli. When the adrenal system is so overloaded from lyme & co., it simply cannot help the body deal with "normal" stress.
Running a cash register is NOT easy. I had to quit 2 jobs because I could not do it (well, fired from one). I could not even be the "greeter" for a small toy store (well, who would've thought there would be video and audio going along with moving toys all around the floor!! I was toast after 2 four hour days).
Handling cash, though . . . You also have to be aware of quick change artists, and possible robberies.
I'm sure they trained you in the proper techniques if someone put a note in your face (or beyond - even training how to deal with guns) but you have to ready for anything, and calm, cool and strong when at a cash register. Even in what may seem like a calm shop.
That's not the place for everyone. -
[ 10-14-2014, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
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- you say that you: "always need help in making decisions that overwhelm me." (end quote)
Same as above, be sure with your tone of voice not to make this sound to others like a matter of personality. It's truly a symptom of lyme, by the way, and a very real neuro-congitive issue -- a medical issue.
I don't have the best phrases for others to get it. Your husband might do well to read this, though:
Bledwies link coming. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
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"Required" reading for anyone who really wants to understand. Plan something refreshing for yourself after pouring through this. Take it in steps, it is a rough format so you may want to copy, paste and then change font and add some space breaks for your "study" copy.
This article is essential reading to gain an understanding of what it's like to HAVE lyme. This can be frightening, yet it is informative -- and then empowering so that symptoms and patterns are not so scary.
And so that loved ones can better understand. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Catgirl
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Lisa, I think you did the right thing. Now you know your limitations which is a good thing.
-------------------- --Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together). Posts: 5418 | From earth | Registered: Mar 2011
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Judie
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posted
Lisa, I agree, you did the right thing. You've got to do what you're capable of doing and stick with that.
You learned that 4 hours is too long for you and that's okay. You tried.
There's nothing wrong with feeling like crying. That sounds like a very natural, honest expression to feeling overwhelmed.
No need to hide how you feel. It's who you are and don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for that (though you might want to pick safe people to share your emotions with if you are around judgmental people, I don't know your situation).
Before Lyme (I was already disabled), I tried working once. I lasted 2 days. My MCS was so bad and I broke out in rashes. It sucked, I liked the job too.
Sometimes acknowledging our current limitations is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves.
Sometimes I have to speak up and be my own advocate. Last night my husband wanted me to go upstairs do turn on the computer. I'm having trouble walking and tried to do it anyway. The pain was horrible.
When he asked me later to go upstairs for something, I refused (in a nice way). I know he didn't like it, but so what, I need to take care of myself.
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LisaK
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posted
thanks everyone. thanks a bunch.
I didnt tell anyone that doesn't know me extremely well that i felt like crying.
I know it was the tension from the situation making me feel like crying. it was not an emotional thing too much.
I have pushed myself for so long and tried to keep up with my 'self'. I was always the one that did everything, the Martha Stewart, the this, the that..... super woman.
it got harder and harder to keep up with myself over the years until I collapsed and was finally diagnosed last summer.
it was hard to let go of that person I used to be. but I did. and it felt right. no expectations beyond my reach any more. until this. now I raised that bar again and my husband , tha tis all he needed to now get an idea in his head that I can do things.
I told him I quit. he was so mad. and said I am a quitter. and that I don't want to help our family with money, blah, blah...
hurtful yes.
When I called the store they thanked me. they said no one calls to quit, they just don't show up for their next shift. I can't imagine being that way, but that explains a lot about the place I guess an dhow everyone there was non friendly .
good points keebler on helping others realize what this is to me.
and that was a big fear, Steve, to get sicker as I could feel symptoms actually being worse! that astonished me and made me so upset- to possibly go back and regress.
and knowing limitations.... catgirl, I do think this was meant to happen for that reason. to not be so hard on myself if all I can do is something brainless and easy. so what. right?
you are right judie, I realize now it's ok to say no. that was never in my vocab before. making myself sicker and sicker.
and thanks jlcd1 for the support. I really am glad I posted this. you have all really helped me with this. I am so grateful.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
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You asked what others did
I like what judy said a lot
It was crazy what i had to do to keep working-a lot of pressure to cuz hubby didnt make much and i was the only one with health ins and we had four kids
I did manage to keep going for 19 1/2 years. It was second head injury on top of lyme that did me in
After i tried a number of jobs and volunteer things i gave up. I couldnt sit on stool and take money at resturant cuz it hurt my hands so much and a few times bowels were messed up and bthroom was not an , optiin sdo it was scarey. I quit.
I watered flowers at a nursery once but after a few hot days i went into horrible back spasms at night, had to call ems to go to hospital. I quit
Then i trained 3 days to work in convenience store. I coukdnt learn lottery, beer and cigarettes. When they were going to hire me anyway they wanted me to sign i would take blame or something if i gave beer or cigs to underage...they said i would go to jail. For 8.00 an hr i quit before i started. Not worth it
I couldnt read to kindergarteners cuz too far to walk from parkinglot
I couldnt do all these things with a masters plus 60 grad credits
This disease is debilitating and you are not better yet
The etsy thing is a good idea. Simething you can do when you feel good...for as long as you feel good. For now that is the best you can do
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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posted
Thanks for sharing too, kayak.
I do sell on etsy- well TRY to sell. haha. I sell very slowly. I am going to make some easier things and put them on there.
my mom was right about my husband being mad. she said he might be mad because he wants to quit his job and feels he can't. last night when I told him he did end up saying that. he said he puts up with all the crap so that is why I should.
I told him he doesn't understand. his biggest lyme symptoms are agitation and some slight forgetfulness. he is also in treatment and so I am being patient since he may change a little afterwards, I hope.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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steve1906
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quote:his biggest lyme symptoms are agitation and some slight forgetfulness
Agitation can be very devastating to many people.
And then to add forgetfulness can make it worse.
I think we should respect everyone’s symptoms, severe or mild.
Just saying, Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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Keebler
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- Sorry to hear you say that: . . ."I told him I quit. he was so mad. and said I am a quitter. and that I don't want to help our family with money, blah, blah..." (end quote)
I seldom delve into this area yet this is what I would do were ANYONE to say that to me in my immediate circle.
In a very matter of fact tone, business like demeanor -- that is really important. Stay focused on the facts: education must occur, now.
"Here are a few links (start with Bledwies, then films Under Our Skin and the sequel, ASAP).
It's just not possible for the two of us to be in the same room until you read that article, for starters - and also watch on Hulu the first Under Our Skin.
[ 10-16-2014, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
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LisaK
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posted
steve, no one said his sx werent thought about.
keebler, yes, this is my life and working on marriage has been the entire life on our marriage, so.....
he knows how I feel. I tell him similar to what you said.
I think a lot of it is his lyme brain. honestly. he has come along way. he used to not be able to communicate whatsoever.
I think I may use the 'not in same room' thing next time.
and I forgot , with my lyme brain, that we were all to have family movie night with Under Our Skin. thanks for reminder!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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randibear
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I use to go crying to work and come home crying. I had to make the 30 year mark or dramatically reduced retirement. big time.
I couldn't tolerate two vicious witches and they finally drove me away.
but it was for the best. I was going to explode and get fired.
I was physically and mentally worn out.
I understand completely believe me.
husband often blamed me for office problems saying I should handle it. he never understood the pressure in that office so I held everything in. not good.
you have to do what you can and others can simply go to pot...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Ellen101
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It can be very hard going back to work. When I first became ill I was out 3 weeks. Going back was tough as I had just begun lyme treatment. Some days were hell. On top of that I had 3 kids that I still needed to do things for. I would crash on the weekends and would use my accrued time off whenever I felt like I needed a day.
For me though working has been therapeutic and has helped me to recover. I needed to push myself to get out and take my mind off how lousy I felt. It felt good to concentrate on something other than lyme and still does.
Everyone is different. Perhaps try a different type of job? Find something that you really enjoyand are passionate about.
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steve1906
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Ellen, same here...
Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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LisaK
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yes, I think the right job would make a difference. but finding one will be hard.....
I have not worked for another person for about 22 years except for a very short temp job last year in a candy factory.
no college educatoin either
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
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You have the job lisa! Find places to sell..and make stuff when you can. No boss. Your in charge. And you will intetact with ppl when selling. But no hassals with peers. Best of both worlds.
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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posted
yes kayak!
I just wish I could make faster!!!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
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Your healing. Be gentle with yourself
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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GretaM
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posted
Lyme makes everyone's symptoms and severity and disposition different.
Mentally, I need to work. For my mental health. I think that is a strong bartonella infestation.
The agitation, OCD, mind racing, insomnia, maniacal bursts of energy...
Even though my body is wrecked, going to work every day keeps me mentally sane. A focus for my mental enegry...
And is a bonus I have great coworkers and a great boss which makes working while physically ill possible.
I won the lottery as far as having a great job goes.
But if I had to learn a new job, with new coworkers etc I would be an anxious wreck.
Plus, I live alone in an expensive city, so not working is not an option.
But anyone who says someone with lyme is lazy or just not trying hard enough is so wrong! So very very wrong.
An nobody with lyme and co should ever judge another with lyme and co, because the symptoms and severity vary so much...we should be supporting and helping one another make it through this hard journey.
My physical body, the pain, the confusion... All get overshadowed by my mental need to work.
I am sure it is setting me behind with healing physically, but is keeping me strong mentally.
At least that is what I observe through myself and the folks in my support group.
I hope your hubby comes around Lisa.
I am sorry it didn't work out at that job.
I am glad you have a creative outlet with your crafts.
XOXO Greta
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lpkayak
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So true about the getting behind
I was main breadwinner with 4 kids and HAD to keep job or we all lost benefits
But if i was able to attack lyme sooner and harder i think i could have had a better outcome
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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I agree Greta. I used to be able to do that mental work and that is what charged me. then this yr of hell. but now I feel a bit better and can use brain more, and like me, I just wanna rush everything. I am charged to live again, but now I know my limitations.
I was in a local book store and they are hiring so I think I will apply there. books are easy? nice an dquiet place.
if I wasn't desperate to make some more money than just selling crafts here and there, I wouldn't worry about a job at all, but I am so tired of living wondering how our next bill wil get paid.
I wrote down and sent message to hubby about how he needs to stop disparaging me . that I am still sick and have limitations and how what he says is hurtful and I am not going to stand for it (thinking of keebler!) and I have not heard a peep form him since.
I hope he gets it. if not I hope he keeps his mouth shut.
kayak , I hear ya about attack regrets. 20 yrs was way too long to be unhelped for me! I guess that wasn't the plan for me. or you.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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posted
Working with Lyme is no picnic. I am lucky to have been at my job a very long time and have my own space.
Although I am doing great after 3 years of abx etc I still cannot tolerate bright overhead lights, loud noise etc. So I keep my office dark and quiet. But there were weeks I cried and cried that I had to work. I would close my door and lie on the floor until I thought I could do "one more thing" .
I had to push through the brain fog, pain, dizziness, disconnected feelings, forgetfulness every day. Not sure how I did it but am grateful I got through the worst which lasted about a year. (lots of sick days too through that time).
With treatment you should get to the point where you can work again someday. Right now you need to heal. Do what you can do only you know how you feel.
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LisaK
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thanks peony
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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steve1906
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Lisa, I hope you and your husband can come to some resolution, and he opens his mind to realize how sick you really are.
If he keeps stressing you out you’ll never be able to go forward, and chances are you’ll never get well.
I’m not sure how I worked through the first year and a half with these disease. I guess if I wasn't the top boss, I surely would've been fired within two weeks.
The depression, anxiety, sweating, disconnected feelings, brain fog, (pain-everywhere)! Etc. was crazy.
The only reason I forced myself to work in the first year in half was, I would’ve lost my home.
I know some people would love to go back to work, (but can’t), I get that; like Lyme we’re all different.
All we can do is try our best, that’s it. If it doesn’t work now I’m sure in the future it will; just keep working on getting well for the time being.
I hope this brings a little sunshine to your day!
"When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."
PS. Lisa, If the future seems overwhelming right now, remember that it comes one moment at a time.
Have a good day! Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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lpkayak
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posted
Steve,
You have such a gift for coming up with perfect words and pics!
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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thanks Steve
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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