Topic: stress...... family , how to deal with them, help
LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
I am trying to really fight off stress this week..... such family drama. my sil and her family want to come with the rest of dh siblings and parents for Easter dinner, but we told their daughter (our niece) that she is not welcome because she threatened me with violence
this happened months & months ago, with no apology.
and they have been acting like nothing happened- showing up uninvited to our home last time we had a party. and more drama happened at that party too. it is just crazy. so I had to tell them she was not welcome.
This is very difficult because they are a very close knit family-
my adrenals can't handle this.
so dh told them all the reasons and reminded them of the hate they possess, so now, of course, they want to get together and "talk" to us all and cram it in this week.
I am torn. I know they probably (mostly) want to make up so they can come here to be with everyone on sunday, and I fear that it wont' really be contrite.
and so what do I do?
I want them to give a really heartfelt apology, but I am afraid it won't be so
I am mostly concerned for my health, and shouldnt I be??? I just hope dh can understand that.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
been there as y'all know. I had to let my family go literally. I went years without talking to them.
some may say "oh let them come and ruin your day then you're conscious is clear. sit down and let them tear you to pieces." cause that's exactly what they will do.
ah heck no. time to let those ponies run.
stay away from them. I mean it. if your husband wants to visit do it our way...you go I'm staying home.
I mean it....stay away from them. being nice sometimes doesn't work. I felt quilty for years over mom's death until I realized they would blame me if the sun didn't come up.
they're petty small people and enjoy making you miserable.
ok had my say.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
run forest run
My first thought was to go someplace with your family and have as much fun as you can that will work around your health.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
You feel guilty because you want to draw the line in the sand. It is uncomfortable to take a stand...but it would be butt-kicking to allow the disrespect.
People who habitually sweep stuff under the carpet usually end up tripping...you can stand up for you and your daughter and keep your dignity...it will show your daughter that you support her totally and teach her a lesson in diplomacy...you don't ALWAYS have to roll over.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
"Run Forest Run" pretty well sums it up. Tell your hubby if they come, YOU WILL GO.
You don't have to leave him .. just skip being there. Let him cook.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
thanks for the support everyone!
I just talked to my MIL and she told me NOT to invite them or agree to have the crazies over!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so relieved. just knowing everyone is tired of their drama makes me feel to much relief. I am so more peaceful now knowing I won;t see those crazy people and that my inlaws are behind me.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
dont open door......
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
wow lisa what a mess i hope it ends up ok my problem with one son seems so trivial...i wrote about it in exercise thread
i really hope it turns out ok...are the ppl with daughter with lyme coming?
take care of yourself...
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
I have a toxic SIL but thankfully I don't have to deal with other relatives surrounding that. And yet, it is still difficult to deal with, so I feel your pain!
Stick to your guns. If you must, text her and and the toxic niece to let them know they are not welcome this Sunday, and should they be so disrespectul and show up, do not let them in. You are not obligated to respect those who disrespect you!!
I disagree with the advice to leave your home and let your husband cook/deal with them. My home is MY domain. I rule this roost and I am the one who takes care of the needs of everyone who resides under this roof.
No way, no how, would I leave MY home to accomodate people who have disrespected me or my family. Worked way too hard and way too long taking care of my family to be displaced by anyone.
Strong opinion, I know. Just been through too much for too long.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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WPinVA
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 33581
posted
So sorry you are dealing with this....if your husband is ready to meet with him, why can't he go to their house alone?
Then if it doesn't go well, you aren't dealing with it. And if it does go really well, you can always see them another time.
Posts: 1737 | From Virginia | Registered: Aug 2011
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posted
I agree with the concept of separating you from them when the apologizing happens - like I agree with WPinVA about having your husband see them first.
It could be done in writing first, getting your feelings out and your daughter's too, and having them respond to what's been bothering you and what you want - ie, some boundaries of consideration - before you accept having a face-to-face with them.
Posts: 13117 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
I like that idea Robin and WP, and I have said and wondered why they don't just write me a darn apology, but his family is funky. I mean,they go to houses without an invitation just because they hear someone else is going? I would NEVER do that.
DH asked me last night if we could meet them this week, but I said it's already the middle of the week and I am giong out of town Friday morning or Thursday afternoon. so how can that possibley happen? I need sloooowwwww. just the thought of all this really stresses me out.
I tried telling him that, but he is so streessed from it too and he just wants to get it over with. I keep asking him what they are going to say/do, but he has no idea.
I just don't see why I can't contact them myself via email or text and ask for a written apology?
and then meet after.
Robin, what do you think "some boundaries of consideration" might be?
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
ok, gloom and doom here. if it was me I'd tell them write me a letter.
you know doggone well they're going to attack hon.
never have a sitdown with people like this. I have and they went straight for the jugular. took years to recover.
I agree let your husband go alone or better yet....this is so smart, it's brillant...lol
tell them since the situation is so serious you have consulted a counselor and they feel they should sit in on the meeting. better yet tell them you've had a lawyer advise you.
hey can't hurt....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
Third parties help in this situation if they are good at their job
If family refuses to sit with third party they are refusing to work on this
I have similar thing going on in members of family but it doesnt involve me
In my situation...very slowly they have learned to act ok around each other...but there is no real love and caring and there should be
I say dont let them rush you. Do it on your terms. A dinner like that in my home would take weeks to recover from
Thinking of you
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
hmmmm, thrid party.... that is a good idea....
I like that. I wonder if anyone else will!
thanks!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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posted
I think your husband should go this week since he wants to and it will break the ice.
Then according to how that goes, you can meet with them next week.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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MannaMe
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 33330
posted
That third party idea sounds like a really good one. Some one who can hear what is said without being emotionally involved.
Posts: 2260 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2011
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
good news, but sad.
the niece apologized to my daughter and to me. it took the death of a family member, but it happened.
and it is like it never happened now with us. so great. a huge weight lifted. thank God. miracles do happen. haha
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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