Oh my gosh, I'm really stressed and worried right now. I was reading the other day about some psych symptoms of Lyme, and one of them was flying into a rage.
I've always been so good (too good) at hiding my emotions that people are surprised to find out that I'm actually feeling really...well, anything other than good.
So I certainly couldn't imagine myself EVER flying into a rage with no warning -- until I screamed at my dad this morning and threw something at him.
(It was just a napkin, thank god, because that's what was in my hand, but idk if I would've flung something big and hard at him if that's what I'd been holding at the moment. That *really* scares me.)
I felt so bad after that...really, truly horrible. I can't believe that happened...I just can't believe that happened.
I've also been crying all morning and just can't stop. It started in the middle of the night for some unknown reason (I sleep like crap, so I was awake), and I haven't been able to turn the tears off since then. I just keep crying and crying, and I don't even know what I'm crying about.
I really scared myself with throwing something at my dad. I live in a commune-type situation with 30 people, and I can't rage at someone like that.
I'd feel horrible, of course, but they would also kick me out instantly, and I don't have anywhere else to go, genuinely can't afford anything else.
I'm kind of at a loss right now, wondering if I should avoid the people in my community as much as possible. I was really upset before it happened, though, so hopefully I can just remove myself when I'm feeling like that and I'll manage avoid all of this.
Really scared and overwhelmed here.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- As upsetting as this was, you can relax now.
Not rage. Rage is violent, uncontrollable anger -- not a flash of an arm action one instantly regrets. Rage is not to be confused with anger, either. Not at all. Very different things.
I think you can breathe a sigh of relief. You're human. As upsetting as this was for you, and understandably, so, by no definition does this fit "rage" - and that term is highly overused just for the record.
But, while we're on it, a true rage behavior can be due to a toxic brain. So, there is a bit of something to be noticed in what can happen with a toxic brain.
Throwing something - as you describe - is not a rage action as much a fast neuro spasm when your brain can't process all the emotions and anger, sure, can cloud us. Even screaming a few short sentences at the top of one's lungs might not be rage, either. These things do happen to many people.
Really. That kind of one instant thing I see as more of a seizure activity - defined simply as when neurons are just overwhelmed and let go in a spasm. A bit of an electrical storm and the mouth or arms might just be sort of discharging that voltage.
The very instant it was over, you did not go on and on in rage. Not at all. Rage is very different.
Those without lyme sometimes toss things, soft or otherwise, too. While this is a sign to look at many things, I do not think this is in any way whatsoever a sign that fits of rage are ready to take over.
Most with lyme do not experience levels of rage. I never did. But - even before lyme did I throw something at someone out of sheer frustration and bit of anger? Yep. Similar to your experience. It was a brief flash. I could learn from that to be more aware.
Is there anyway you could see a truly LL counselor / therapist / psychologist? If you have a LLMD they may know of someone to suggest.
Also ask your local lyme support groups.
Also discuss with your LLMD and assess MAGNESIUM RBC levels as you may be deficient . . . essential fatty acids may also be low. Fish oil is often a huge help in situations as you describe. Or a plant equivalent.
And, most important, rising anger or faster than you can think action - liver & kidneys could be overwhelmed. Be sure to check on your support methods. Not strong detox "activities" but gentle and consistent support methods.
Check all Rx and OTC you take regarding side effects of anger -- and liver / kidney issues.
A hot, "angry" liver will lead to a hot tempered angry person.
ADRENAL stress is also something that can really short circuit our ability to communication and manage intense emotions. Be sure adrenal support is on board.
If you happen to take any stimulants, they might need to be reassessed as these can boomerang in the anger department, too.
Feel good about who you are to be taking this so seriously. With health matters, you likely have a "right" to feel some strong emotions, all things considered. Processing / voicing is a skill that takes a while to hone.
Good that you are in tune and assessing this. Good for you. -
[ 09-05-2016, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Back to this: Is there anyway you could see a truly LL counselor / therapist / psychologist? If you have a LLMD they may know of someone to suggest.
It is important to be able to talk with your dad about this, so that he knows your body just sort of short circuited and that you do love and respect him and you will take this as a sign to
get in touch with your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. TALK therapy is very important here. A good LL therapist can get you started on personal matters.
TALK to all those around about all kinds of things, you don't need to bare your soul but DO NOT as you wonder "if I should avoid the people in my community as much as possible" for reasons I'm just too tired to explain.
If you are comfortable with how you are with yourself at the times you are with them, and comfortable with them, community matters and you need that.
That you say:
you were "really upset before it happened, though, so hopefully I can just remove myself when I'm feeling like that and I'll manage avoid all of this."
Yep. You've learned from that. Don't live in fear, just stay in tune with yourself. Learn not to hide your emotions but when to just keep them quiet if the situation calls for it but also when and how to voice them. Voicing your emotions is so very important to your soul.
And listening to others, too. If we call felt safe to voice emotions (well, appropriate to situation and not expected anything of anyone) this would be an easier world.
The book "I'm Okay, You're Not" . . . . oh, no, that's the wrong one. It's "I'M OKAY; YOU'RE OKAY" is excellent for interpersonal dynamics.
And get ahold of some HUMOR. HUMOR is so important to have on board as you are understanding of your and others' foibles.
Owning our emotions. It's okay to feel all the emotions we have. It's never a good idea to suppress them yet there are ways to just look at them and not turn green and spin our heads around.
Understanding what is happening physiologically helps so much which is why I think only a LL therapist is "qualified" to counsel someone with lyme / TBD.
A true LL counselor / therapist / psychologist can help you not just express emotions . . . but also how to change perspective . . . how to think about things differently, see them differently and plan different ways to "be" with yourself & others in this world that are more comfortable for you. -
[ 09-05-2016, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Blood flow to the brain can also help us keep emotions in balance. For that reason - and many others - this may be one of the most important skills to help with the issue at hand:
Learn to do "Diaphragmatic breathing" and practice many times a day - a Google search for that term brings up many good starting tutorials.
Restorative YOGA, Qigong or Tai Chi can be very helpful. Somehow find some physical movements to channel your emotions rather than having them build up.
Dance? Do some art? Learn a musical instrument (that wont make your housemates through things at YOU)? Join some kind of song circle community, etc. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Herbs with very fast calming action: Holy Basil (Tulsi) . . . Scullcap (Tincture only, Herb Pharm has a good one)
LIVER & KIDNEY SUPPORT & and several HERXHEIMER support links, too. -
[ 09-06-2016, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Going back over your post, did not want to overlook what you say about how you have
"also been crying all morning and just can't stop. It started in the middle of the night for some unknown reason (I sleep like crap, so I was awake), and I haven't been able to turn the tears off since then. I just keep crying and crying, and I don't even know what I'm crying about." (end quote)
Some antidepressants can do that. I had this happen and it was devastating. One antidepressant after another. Best thing I did was say goodbye to that idea and when I stopped trying to make antidepressants work for me, my body was so much better. Just in case you might be taking one, this is to consider.
Same for sleep Rx. They all just turned me into a pile of goo.
As did some steroids. Before I knew they were contraindicated with lyme, steroids caused so much emotional distress. And it can take up to six months for them to "work out" of the body.
and MELATONIN as well. Though natural, it was very wrong for me.
Similar ill effects from adrenal GLANDULARS
and from Rx for Thyroid 3, called CYTOMEL with another synthetic thyroid for T4 - that really did me in. [A T3, T4 natural formula called Nature-Throid so much better)
I hope the other above explanations will help put that into perspective. That you cry in the middle of the night could be due to pain, illness, etc. yet something about liver stress seems to jump out here as
that's the time the liver is trying to do its job and if it's overwhelmed can become hot and "angry" and that can manifest as all kinds of fear and irritability.
Just be very kind with yourself, nourish and nurture. -
[ 09-05-2016, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- FLUORESCENT LIGHTS deserve their own post as they can trigger all kinds of neuroligcal and behavior irritability.
Seriously, in one light book, read about a radio station disc jockey had become seriously a jerk, so out of character. One day, he joked or just quickly quipped on the air that "if someone does not change these 'blasted' light bulbs he is going to kill someone."
Turns out, he was right. His mood started to explode when new fluorescent bulbs had all been replaced and the new ones also has a pink hue to them. Someone thought he might have had a point, changed them all back and his mood went back to a good normal.
Especially in the UK, where even the BBC will issue "flash alerts" for news clip so that those with migraines and seizure can cover eyes . . . the new energy saving CFL compact fluorescent lights have received attention for being very irritation on the eyes / brain nerves for a certain population.
We don't get that advance of news coverage here of such, though. So I'm here to share that.
See if you have CFLs other kinds of fluorescent lights in your life. If they are LED, those are better (though incandescent the best even if hard to still find).
Any bulk on a dimmer switch, though, can also be bad for such sensitivities.
GAS HEAT / OVEN / STOVE / WATER HEATER? If your home is gas fueled . . . be sure all upper level windows are opened each day at the same time some on the lower level are for a good full house flush.
Even in winter, this matters greatly. Two minutes of an air flush is not enough to cool furnishings or interior surfaces so heating bills are not that affected.
An air flush is so very important every single day.
Some gas escapes even the best gas systems and especially with the stove top is turned on and turned off.
Newer models are better - yet it's always a good idea to have a professional (word loss) come out and look at least once a year. If that's not been done in a while, the non-emergency number for your local fire station can have some leads for you.
If a gas stove top, BEFORE turning on a burner, turn the exhaust fan on HIGH. Turn on the burner and then after few seconds, turn the fan to low or off.
Same thing for just before the burner is to be turned off as that's also a time some gas can escape.
MOLD is another issue that can cause emotional / brain boomerangs (as my word choice is limited).
All this is a lot, I know. And to look at this might cause someone to just go off screaming into the woods. But, the thing is, that there are likely very tangible explanations for some of what you are going through.
And it could be any of these things mentioned -- or things others will share. These are just all the things that took me to some very dark and scary places so I hope sharing all this might prevent further pain for you / others.
And lyme, all by itself, can be the sole trigger to irritation. It is irritating the brain and nerves and adding toxicity, after all. Even when someone has had a strong flu for few days, they are more likely to fly off the handle. So give yourself some understanding and feel good about reaching out for support.
This is intended as a RESOURCE GUIDE you can refer back to, not as homework for one day.
Hopefully, something here is reassuring.
& . . . Now's a good time for some music and a glass of green tea, eh? -
[ 09-05-2016, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Hope you are feeling better this morning.
Your "napkin toss event" has had my brain cells pondering this some more.
AND THE ROLE OF IMFLAMMATION as a being involved in anger.
You worried that it might be a sign you'd pick up something heavy sometime?
No, IMHO, as this was not violent as defines rage and nowhere close to that intensity or duration, rather a flash of irritation / anger . . . it is most highly doubtful as the napkin toss happened in a flash was so light and just sort of went with the emotion spasm of your hand. Picking up something heavy would disrupt your neuro pathways and give you pause.
But, really, that just does not happen in the kind of situation you describe. Rage is so many increments higher & so different in other ways.
A lot of rage happens due to chemical reactions from really serious drugs & the toxicity they bring to the nerves, too. Keep that in mind when you read the headlines.
Be sure your lyme treatment is steady . . . and be sure your LLMD has assessed you for other tick borne infections, especially Bartonella as that can cause emotions to be more serious in some people.
Always keep your anti-inflammation aspects / liver support on board to make your nerve endings happy.
Also, if you Dad said something to you that was a trigger topic, do talk it out. Focus on love. Focus on the core of the relationship.
I talked a lot in posts above about irritation to nerves from toxicity. I did not mention INFLAMMATION. That's more tangible to manage. Inflammation can cause nerve irritation, of course, though. And inflammation is so connected to the toxicity issues of lyme / TBD that swell & irritate the nerves.
Along with direct and assertive attention to infection, addressing inflammation is key (and that is what liver support is all about but I failed to make the connection in previous posts).
Turmeric might be something else to consider to help calm inflammation.
Gluten - if in your diet - can be one cause of inflammation in body and brain. Something to really consider.
The emotional side, the practical side, the financial side of having lyme / TBD also makes this all a multi-facets 3-D puzzle for sure.
Find your reassuring phrases for the middle of the night. Remember that we may not have all the answers but
if I focus on love and just knowing that it can be figured out, I can let my body rest now and dream of some really cool place.
Take care. -
[ 09-06-2016, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It's eye opening to consider the range of all our emotions. And when we understand what drives them, we can be in better control (or so is the idea, eh?). We are complex.
Inside Out came to US theatres in 3D on June 19, 2015. -
Posted by SLH516 (Member # 48060) on :
Keebler, you are my new favoritest person in the world! <3 Not only did you make me feel better, but you made me laugh several times, and that was wonderful!
The main thing that was going on when I napkined my dad was that I was having trouble communicating, having difficulty getting sentences out in the right word order...and he was just making a joke that would've been funny any other time.
I told him that later. And hugged him hugely and told him how awesome he really is.
Fortunately, I've had loads of therapy with a truly brilliant therapist, and my autopilot response when big emotions get triggered in relation to another person is to question what's going on with me, why am I reacting that way?
I think that's what freaked me out the most about the situation -- aside from feeling horrible for my dad. I'm usually so good at taking a step back from things, and this wasn't just a reaction instead of a response, it was done before I knew what was happening.
But your words above have made me feel so much better...and I gained the awareness that when I'm having trouble communicating coherently, it's probably a good idea to give the other person fair warning ;-) and maybe step out of the room for a moment.
MUCH easier said than done, of course -- how do I explain coherently that I'm not able to speak coherently? <chuckle>
Many more thoughts here I'd like to share and questions to ask, but I've got to get supine here very shortly. Once again, though, thank you for all of your words and for being so generous and so kind. xo