Basically what my MIL said to my husband today. She was furious that he got a vasectomy without telling her, said I should have had my tubes tied (a way more invasive, serious procedure). And the kicker??
"She doesn't have Lyme Disease. She just gets sick on certain days so you guys can't come to our house!"
I must admit...she called my husband the morning of Mother's Day and told him we had to go to their house (40 mins away). At church, I got some pretty bad myoclonus jerking, I was crying and it was VERY scary...we went home and even after taking a hot bath, eating, sitting down, my head was still jerking 4 hours later!
When we got pregnant with our second child (we have 3), she said she wasn't happy about it and how could we afford it, ect...so what is her deal now??
All of you who have understanding Inlaws...thank God for that tonight...
Take care,
Ocean
PS...they borrowed UOS from us for months and never bothered to watch it.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I'm sure my inlaws have thought it many times... but have never said anything to our faces. ( unless they did to him and my husband never said anything! )
I'll say a prayer of thanks for mine.. just in case they deserve it!!
I hope you can get over what she said. Sucks.
Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Thanks Tutu,
I don't know if my husband said anything, but my ears perked up when I detected anger and I heard him say, "Mom, Rachel DOES have Lyme...she's been tested 3 different ways and all came back positive"...He's usually a mellow guy, but it was sweet to hear him get angry and defensive for my sake =)
She hasn't been the nicest to me, so I am not that surprised...I'll get over it, just felt burned from knowing she actually SAID it!
Take care
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
Hey O...
I can't believe a mother would get angry with her adult son for getting a vasectomy!
????
My first impression is to ask... is it any of her business?
WHY should she even care?
She is totally out of line here.
Maybe she took too many EMP's today?
Evil Mother Pills.
Don't let her get you down.
OBVIOUSLY she knows nothing about you, about Lyme disease or how to even be mannerly and polite.
She was looking to attack someone.. and you were there.
Sorry this happened.
And if you want... just for you... I'll do it!
I'll enter her in the Evil Mother-in-Law Contest.
What's that? I think I see a blue ribbon in her future!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
ocean,
i'm so sorry to read all the crap your EMP gave your hubby today about YOUR MUTUAL decision on children!!
right, it's none of her business!
YOU are a better person than me; i do hold grudges for awhile. she would be on my super crap list, and i'd avoid her like a plague.
those type bring only NEGATIVITY to you and you don't need that environment and stress to deal with.
so glad your husband stood up to his mom! score one for him.
praying this can be resolved once and for ALL. not good for the 3 kids too.
Posted by madge (Member # 13704) on :
Ocean, that is so bad...but i have had so called friends say to other people talking about
me ..they were saying he isn't sick i bet he left her...it hurts so much but people can't start to understand how bad this disease can be..an all i can say to them is..thank God you don't have to go through this for yourself or a loved one...Madge
Posted by feelfit (Member # 12770) on :
((((Ocean))))
Posted by kam (Member # 3410) on :
EMP !!!
Posted by TerryK (Member # 8552) on :
So sorry Ocean! As others have said, she is way out of line.
What a sweet husband!! I'm so glad you have him. Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
ocean,
good for you NO SMOKING IN MY HOUSE and around my kids!! grow up lady; you don't care about your precious grandkids.
letter mailed today Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ocean: Thanks Tutu,
I don't know if my husband said anything, but my ears perked up when I detected anger and I heard him say, "Mom, Rachel DOES have Lyme...she's been tested 3 different ways and all came back positive"...He's usually a mellow guy, but it was sweet to hear him get angry and defensive for my sake =)
That's awesome!
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
ocean,
how did the confrontation go today? was praying for you... Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Well, the bottom line is MIL would not look at my tests from Igenex, said it wouldn't make a difference and she was just stating her OPINION.
Said her sister was dx with MS and she doesn't believe she has it either...thinks her sister is just lazy and getting disability due to her laziness.
Sigh...there is no common sense to her ramblings...so I'm done. FIL believes it and has asked lots of questions about it.
It disgusts hubby and I, but nothing to do about it...it she chooses to stick her head in the sand...then so be it...but if her grandson hits puberty and relapses badly....she'd better not say he's faking it...there is a certain wrath to the scorn of a mother's child...and it sure ain't pretty!
Ocean
Posted by kellyjk4 (Member # 19731) on :
Ocean, my advice? Ignore her as much as possible.
She doesn't sound like she's worth a single minute of your time.
That said, I'm sorry she has to be that way, and that you have to deal with it.
Your husband sounds like a great guy!
Posted by liesandmorelies (Member # 15323) on :
Ocean,
I agree with Tincup!
You and your husband are grown up and don't need her meddling in your decisions and business.
I would politely tell her that you feel sorry for her that she is judgmental and are happy that she does not have to live the hell you are living. But, if she ever does happen to have a chronic illness, that perhaps only then can she understand what you and her sister are going through.
Ignore her and her ignorant comments. They will only bring you down. You have your husbands love and adoration(perhaps she is jealous).
Sorry you have to go through this. It's bad enough to be ill, but to have family and friends think we are faking is enough to want to smack them upside the head. LOL.
Posted by shelly23 (Member # 16124) on :
Ocean, Tell her, her sons swimmes belond to you not her, she will never understand your pain. It does sound like your husband supports you which is good. Best of luck
Posted by massman (Member # 18116) on :
MIL is actually now a LL Health pro ?
Or is she just "faking" that ?
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
quote:Originally posted by massman: MIL is actually now a LL Health pro ?
Or is she just "faking" that ?
Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Lol guys!! Thank you!! Shelly...I wish I had thought of saying that...HA!! She wouldn't have known what to say...they don't say the word sex at their house, so swimmies...oh my!!!
Massman, yeah, I know!!! The past several days...when I've said something about symptoms to hubby...like when I sweated through my clothes at night, I was like, "oh wait...I mean I IMAGINED that I sweated through my clothes!" I had hubby feel the 'imaginary' wetness on my pj's too...Then there was the 'imaginary fever'...which somehow showed up on the 'real' thermometer...amazing!!!
Ugh! I am way more angry today about this whole thing...as long as I sleep tonight, I think I'll be OK tomorrow...but if I keep losing sleep over this ridiculous nonsense..well...
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
Take a handful of Cheerios.
Spray paint them orange.
Tie tiny pieces of tan or white string through each one and tie a knot in it so it won't slip off.
Then next time MIL is there...
Turn down the lights.... and light a couple candles on the dining table.
Bring out your orange Cheerios and place them on a light colored plate.
Then place a big bowl of water next to them.
When MIL asks ....
"What are you doing?"
Tell her you and hubby are having a brief ceremony, then you are sending the last of his little swimmers out to sea.
But they first need to put on a life jacket!
HEY!
She thinks you're nuts already.
Soooooooooooooooo Ocean...
Show her you're nuts!
Have some fun with her! Isn't that what MIL's are for?
Posted by liesandmorelies (Member # 15323) on :
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
OMG, you guys are cracking me up!!!!!!
Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
OK TC,
I am crying now!!! Where do you come up with this!!!?? I showed my husband and he thought it was pretty good. I may seriously just do this one...I know she will walk or rather stomp out of my house, but oh my goodness, the FUN!!! No one has FUN these days!
Thank you so much...if I feel bad about this..I think I'm going to print it out and read it!!!
Good night,
Ocean
Posted by massman (Member # 18116) on :
Tincup that is a great one !
Did your LLMD approve something "special" for you to smoke ?
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
YOU all MAKE me say this stuff you know!
And it makes ME laugh too!
Ocean is right... no one tries to have fun these days.
WE NEED MORE FUN in our lives!
BTW- Massman...
I wish my LLMD had given me something to smoke. Then I would have a reason for these strange things to be floating around in my head all the time.
HA!
Hey Ocean... I can picture her huffing and puffing and stomping out of the house. Sorry, but I have to laugh.
And by the way.. it was Shelly's fault I posted this silly stuff.
SHE mentioned "swimmers" in her post... and that image just suddenly popped in my mind when I read it.
Lies... you made me laugh too. THANKS for that.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
tincup,
now we know what happens when you've done too much serious research and letter writing activism, you brain DOES take a holiday and we get to enjoy all the fun things it thinks up for you and us!! lol Posted by Topaz (Member # 20216) on :
I LOVE Tincup's suggestion to have fun with the whole situation!
I mean, it would be SO much better than taking what she says seriously and then internalizing and feeling bad about yourself. You don't have to prove ANYthing to ANYone!
Can you picture her face as you do your cheerio ceremony?? Ha!
I'm thinking there needs to be some sort of song/chant for the ceremony as well. Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Well guys,
It's kind of not so funny anymore...I've been doing some research today and I am 100% convinced that MIL has a personality disorder. We talked today with hubby's sister and they have also had a lot of issues with her...now and growing up.
When we confronted her on Sunday...she asked very specific questions and asked them sarcastically...wanted to know WHERE I was bit, WHEN, if I saw any DEER there, ect... She also hates all people, our neighbor talked to her once, so she now refers to her as 'the nosey neighbor'...is EXTREMELY anti-social, holds grudges...told us some very strange religious views, tells us all the time that no one likes her and as hubby said, prides herself in it, no compassion for anyone but herself...there are lots more things, but I won't say them all...
I feel sorry for her, and for my husband having grown up with a mother like that. She is not nurturing at all...she told hubby on Sunday that he got diabetes and God 'traded' him intelligence, or something CRAZY like that...I was going...'huh'???
She also said that as long as you trust in God you can drive 80 miles down the road with your eyes closed and everything will be fine.
Yeah...so the kids won't be spending the night there ever again unsupervised.
Oh...and one of her adult children is anorexic...well in the beginnings of it, about 12 years ago...a well meaning relative wrote a letter to MIL asking if her daughter was OK, expressing concern.
MIL wrote back and told her it daughter was fine and it was none of her business, and didn't speak to the relative for almost 2 years!!!
She also refused to go to her only daughters wedding...she didn't want her to get married, so she didn't bother to show up...her excuse???
"I just couldn't make myself do it"
Another strange thing is that they have had outdoor dogs and cats the whole time hubby was growing up...hubby said he has NEVER seen her pet an animal in her life!! We also have pets and if they come near her, she growls, "get away from me".
She needs help, but I am sure she will not seek it, at 60 years old, she's lived with it all her life and she had a very dysfunctional childhood, so it makes perfect sense she would have a PD.
So...thank you all everyone for your comments...but I'm afraid that this is way more serious than I thought and not for me, but for MIL.
Take care, Ocean
[ 10-20-2009, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Ocean ]
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
alzheimer's or dementia; how old is she?
my SIL died at the young age of 40!! yes 40.
Posted by massman (Member # 18116) on :
Nobody likes her ? Nooo shiiioooot !
Had a very sharp girlfriend years ago who said if there is a problem look at yourself first to see how much you are contributing to it !
Have always remembered that. And do it.
And I intuitively feel that your MIL is too messed up for a trade-in.
Posted by daisyrlb (Member # 15686) on :
So sorry you have Lyme and are going through such a rough time and especially that your MIL is not supportive or even neutral. That's tough.
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
also most mental illnesses are a result of a tick bite or co-infections!!
Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Massman...lol!! I WISH I could get a trade in...
Daisy, Thank-you =)
Betty,
I agree with you completely, however, I don't know that this is the problem with MIL...her own mom didn't want her as a child, so she and her sister lived with their grandparents in Kentucky until they died when she was 13, then she was shipped back to her mom in Ohio... all of her half siblings (I think there are 5?) have problems, several are in prison, the rest are on drugs and will probably be headed to prison...one was SERIOUSLY on Phil Donahue back in the day, my husband says he remembers watching the episode with his family!
I think that she had a very messed up childhood...I don't know all of the details, but she's talked about it before...
Hubby says grandma used to watch them when MIL worked and she was really mean to them...so I can only imagine what MIL went through. It's so obvious now though, all of her strange behavior..personality disorder just popped into my head after I got bloodwork done yesterday...funny because in nursing school when we learned about them, I was fascinated because it reminded me so much of my grandma (my mom has been through heck with her too!). I told hubby a couple of weeks ago that his mom reminds me of my grandma.
I am sure MIL won't seek help which is sad and she is going to go ballistic sometime when we tell her she can't see the kids alone...but she did tell us that she was going to use a letter I wrote about FIL not smoking in the house over TWO years ago against me... she said she is keeping the letter to, "Rub it in your kids' faces someday!" These are her GRANDBABIES!!
Our kids are little, 8, 6 and 3...if she would say that to try to hurt them and me (although I think when my kids are older, they will disagree with smoking too, so I can't see how it would matter!), would she ever get physically violent with them in her home?? I don't know!
The following weeks will be fun...very interesting though because we told SIL that we may not come to holidays anymore and she said that she and her husband have thought the SAME thing...she can recognize that something is VERY wrong!
Thank you all so much...I am grateful for the support, the laughter and the anger. I know this will all work out and in light of seeing that something is wrong with her mentally, I am feeling sorry for her, can't imagine what it is like to have such a twisted view of people.
Take care, Ocean
Posted by massman (Member # 18116) on :
Interesting and very sad that many who get abused as a child - physical / emotional / possibly sexual - grow up to be abusers.
Sort of like the s_!t slides downhill.
IME very few recognize it and commit to changing things.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Whew. I will have to say another prayer for my "good" inlaws. My MIL has been mean on occasion, but nothing like that.
I feel sorry for her and for your kids who have never known a truly loving Grandma.
Your husband must be sad or angry about her behavior as well.
Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Massman, Yeah...I do feel sorry for her, but I know she doesn't think anything is 'wrong' with her.
Lymetoo, it has been bad over the years, we don't visit them much because I DREAD going over there. Hubby is mad for sure and I think sad. My husband is so quiet and shy as they pretty much were recluses growing up...now I know why, counseling may be good for hubby, I have no idea if there were things his mom did to him growing up, he has always said he cannot remember any of his childhood before the age of 10, like nothing, no vacations no nothing.
Thankfully, our kids have known a loving grandma...my mom is an AWESOME grandma!! So they do have a really good one in her =)
Take care, Ocean
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
hi ocean,
how very sad; her story told to you by husband and other family members, and being on phil donahue !! wow.
you are to be commended to allow your heart to be understanding of her wicked ways due to the way she was brought up, etc.
praying that you each make your decisions what you will ALLOW and not allow to have stress-free times. Posted by pab (Member # 904) on :
You can't change your MIL. I would spend my energy on getting better and not on MIL. Good luck!
Posted by 22dreams (Member # 17846) on :
Hi Ocean,
I'm sorry to hear about the trials and tribulations that you are enduring inter-personally above and beyond what you have to deal with with having lyme.
Off the bat, upon reading the thread, I thought to myself "OMG, Ocean's MIL is personality disordered". She fits cluster B criteria alright.
Sounds like she is planning, plotting, scheming and keeping things against you in her toolbox to perhaps "take you down" (turn your kids against you) someday. All too familiar.
There will be heck to pay when you set the boundaries about her not seeing your kids alone--
but you can't walk on eggshells around grandma, for your sake, your husband's and childrens' sake, you have to set those boundaries.
If we look in our social or familial sphere, PDs are the ones who "play victim" far too adeptly. Their tools are fear (threats), obligation, guilt (F.O.G.) and confusion. Instilling Self-Doubt in others. This can be done consciously or unconsciously or both.
Because "Everyone else is the problem", people with personality disorders are usually the last to lie on a psychiatrist's couch. Family members of those with PDs are the ones that litter those offices.
They see the world through a different lens altogether and treating them like they see things as we see them is to our own detriment.
Patricia Evans' book "Controlling People" is a good read to this end as well as her book the "Verbally-Abusive Relationship"
which provides some tips of dealing with controlling people (versus saying someone is personality disordered when they haven't been diagnosed) in various scenarios.
"the sociopath next door" is also a pretty good one.
Personality disorders are not mood disorders. It's not about brain chemistry. It's not depression or anxiety or bi-polar (although PDs can have these illnesses as well).
They are disorders of the core self and that is something that TBIs don't take away, our core. TBIs can take on "the appearance of" sometimes, but being PDd is different. I have psych manifestation of lyme, so I know from whence I speak.
Childhood experiences and history of PDs in the family obviously are part of the criteria for determining dx.
Emotional and verbal abuse provide lasting damage to children as much as physical does. They usually go hand-in-hand. and Verbal abuse usually escalates to physical abuse.
It's great that you have empathy for your MIL, but I do hope you don't let your empathy get the better of you (i.e. cave because of demands, harassment, threats, tears). Whatever she does to you, says to you, or about you, the key is to strive to Not take it Personally.
Remember that the title of Grandma does not automatically Entitle her to anything. Respect is earned, as is the privilege of seeing her grandchildren.
It can't be 'all about her'. It MUST be about the health and welfare of you, your husband & kids.
Solid, clear boundaries -- with repercussions for crossing them-- are the best gift you can give your MIL, and yourself.
Hang in there & Good luck.
[ 10-21-2009, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: 22dreams ]
Posted by massman (Member # 18116) on :
How about telling her you KNOW that she is faking her personality disorder.
And since you know, you can treat her like she treats you. And since she has done it for so long you get to do it ALL THE TIME to make up for the time lost.
And tell her she may want to wear a helmet. With a faceguard. And a butt guard. Forever.
Posted by Ocean (Member # 3496) on :
Thank you so much! 22dreams..I will look into those books as well...you are SO right, but hubby today didn't take a stand for me or his parents...remained neutral...we've taking a break from them..until Christmas, haven't told them yet, but hubby said it's the best thing to do. I agree...of course! The break could be MUCH longer though for all I care.
Massman...haha...I wish you'd been with me today for some 'help'..MIL blatently lied several times about things she said and I had said...she acted like a 3 year old today...it was insane!
I am SOOOOO done with them...feel bad for hubby though because he still has to deal with it.
I still got treated today with laser today so that's good...not as long because I'm still herxing.
Take care, Ocean
Posted by bettyg (Member # 6147) on :
massman
glad you're taking a break until xmas and maybe EVEN THEN!
Posted by Pinelady (Member # 18524) on :
There are some people who's mouths were misplaced
in the womb with the XXX. You have to just let them
go. They cannot help the way they are. But you
cannot change them either. So it is best to just be
happy with who you are and go on.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ocean: I have no idea if there were things his mom did to him growing up, he has always said he cannot remember any of his childhood before the age of 10, like nothing, no vacations no nothing.
There are a lot of times my husband has said he doesn't remember his childhood. I don't think it was all that great.
His mom is rather strange. She grew up in an alcoholic home.
Posted by RDaywillcome (Member # 21454) on :
Tell her to get a life, and stop being so controlling!!
It sounds like your husband loves you enough to stick up for what is right. Tell this so-called mother in law...to go -----!
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