Does anyone else feel like they are two seperate human beings? One who is a smart, capable college graduate who is organized,and helpful to others. The other is a slow thinking,confused individual who cannot make the simplest decisions without difficulty. She is not able to speak clearly, or walk straight. People look at her and think "she must take some drugs or something that can't all be because of Lyme disease". Both of those people I just described have been "on duty" at my nursing job. Since meeting the "lymy me" on Tuesday, the company is "considering the circumstances" of my employment. I have heard this song many times before. This job lasted a whole 60 days. Can anyone out there relate? Some days I am still functional and productive(though they are getting fewer and farther between)and I just want to keep nursing...why is the universe against me wanting to help others?
Posted by map1131 (Member # 2022) on :
Sounds like you need to become all about "me". I'm sorry to hear this is interfering with your career. It did mine too.
One day I woke up and realized that career just wasn't as important as I thought it was. I almost killed being ill, myself trying so hard to keep something, I used to feel was my career was all I was. NOT!!!!!!!
Did anyone in that rat race care about me or my well being? No, they just wanted the old me back to perform to their satisfaction.
It is very scarely when a 28 yr career is over? How will we survive? Will we loose everything? How will I survive not having my career image?
In the end it all worked out for us. I'm disabled since Dec 01. We are making it and blessed. I will some day be able to have something career wise.
But I know one thing.....I will be giving myself for myself and not corporate America.
Pam
Posted by LightAtTheEnd (Member # 24065) on :
I am very thankful that I have had mild enough symptoms and enough days when I felt pretty good that I have been able to fake it at work.
I am not having neuro problems so far, so all they might notice is me limping a bit when I first stand up, quietly taking a lot of pills at my desk, insisting on a funny diet, and sometimes looking really tired.
I was on a diet for weight loss before I got Lyme, and I occasionally limped from an old injury too, so nobody thinks it is that strange.
My fatigue is infrequent enough that they will just assume I didn't get enough sleep the night before. Maybe they will assume I have an exciting life outside of work, haha.
I think I allow them to see me take pills, without calling attention to it, with the hope that if I start acting loopy and confused one day, they will first assume I have been sick and not on illegal drugs.
I'm always cheerful and I never complain, at least at work, so I've been okay there without having to tell them about my illness. Maybe my productivity isn't always high, but not bad enough to be noticed yet.
However, I had an experience of the being-two-different-people during the holidays, when I went to a movie with my family.
We all crammed into a small car, where my position during the half hour ride to the movie caused my hip to get extremely stiff and painful.
When I got out of the car, I could barely stand up or walk, and made my way in very slowly. My arthritic mother loaned me her cane because she said I looked like I needed it worse than she did.
After 2 hours sitting in the comfortable seats in the theater, with lots of leg room, my hip loosened up and calmed down.
Walking out, I was nearly fine, and walked to the car at normal speed without a cane. It dawned on me that it must look to my family exactly like I had started out faking it, then gotten distracted by the movie and forgotten to limp on the way out.
I even wondered whether I should pretend to limp then, so they wouldn't think I had been faking it earlier.
In my quest to be believed, I have tried to be entirely honest, without exaggerating, if I tell or show anybody about any symptoms I have, but I'm not sure how much it helps.
No wonder people don't believe us about our crazy symptoms, the way they come and go and change all the time.
If you tell or show how bad it is, they think, surely it couldn't be that bad.
If you hide it and pretend you're fine, and then they see a little, they think you must be making it up or imagining it, or it's no big deal.
At least everybody on here understands what that's like.
Posted by sutherngrl (Member # 16270) on :
Yes, I feel like I am 2 different people.
I use to have a career. I showed up to work everyday, enjoyed my responsibilities and felt good about myself. Then the lyme came.
I tried to keep working but within 5 months I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like my life was shattered. Took me a year and a half to really accept that that part of my life was over.
Then I took on the role as a sick person. Been there for 4 years now and I'm really tired of it.
Sometimes I try to forget that I am sick, sort of pretend to live in the real world; then reality kicks in and I am thrown back into the sick world again.
Trying to settle somewhere in between doesn't seem to work. Its all very frustrating!
Light, I know what you mean. Somedays I can walk around looking almost normal, and other days I look like I'm 90 years old. I don't really care anymore what anybody thinks though. It is what it is!
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
I think most of us can relate to that. I say "we", for the two parts. I wonder if this could qualify us for a car pool lane...
Everyone has to figure out the job part - whether we can keep going, and if so, how, or if we have to make other plans, especially with a need to treat.
Posted by nurse lymy (Member # 24184) on :
Thanks so much for all the support everyone.I got the call yesterday "we need to have someone who can be here everyday".
Looking back 60 days ago I knew in my heart then that it would not be a successful venture for me but..I just couldn't admit to myself that I can't be a nurse anymore.
So I am sitting here now trying to decide if I pursue disability again..or fool another company for as long as my body will hold out?
I feel like not trying again is giving up and I want to keep fighting.
Posted by lou (Member # 81) on :
Your job now is to fight for your health. And maybe at some point you will be able to do nursing again. The world will always need good nurses.
Posted by LightAtTheEnd (Member # 24065) on :
We especially need more nurses who understand about Lyme.
Posted by sutherngrl (Member # 16270) on :
I like the way Lou said......"your job now is to fight for your health".
Posted by DaveNJ (Member # 17362) on :
Pam,
very wise words even if one is healthy....we are all just cattle....if you are like me find ways to stick it to the man once in a while(lol..i'm wall street professional in senior management)...sneak out early...make something up...go sit in a movei theatre while every else works...come home early...sit in chair...
i was a giver my whole career and still am on my best days...on my bad days i am taker and proud of it...i am number 1 not my company...still i work cirlces around people who are healthy...but i've know learned waht i should have learned years ago...you need boundries and you really need thme even more if you are sick...the sad thing is the more i have recovered the more they dumb on me....so what did i do?
i went into full Costanza mode last Friday...wore a suit in and told them i had a funeral to go to...i was in my recliner by 2:30...didn't cure lyme and i might go to hell but man did it feel good.....hmm what stunt can i pull this week.
i add the value to the company not the other way around...and i was talked out of disabilty becasue no one wanted to assume my responsbilty....maybe i'll go to work pantless next week
Dave...tired and rambling...hope this made you smile at least
Posted by Topaz (Member # 20216) on :
Haha Dave. Great post.
Posted by map1131 (Member # 2022) on :
Type A career woman tend to be all consumed by thier "jobs" and get very lost in who they really are.
Dave, I would never thought to do something like sneak out and watch a movie on company time. No way. I was work, work, work and take it home to finish it. One day it didn't matter how hard I worked, I couldn't remembe how to do simple tasks.
When I have something to offer an employer, someone is going to very lucky to have me.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Great post.