My husband's cousin is moving to our area to make a fresh start after a battle with drugs and a divorce. She is doing well in her sobriety by all accounts.
She has a job interview next week and needs a place to stay for the few days leading up to the interview and then for potentially up to a month while she waits to hear if she got the job. My husband offered to let her stay at our house during that time, and if she gets the job, she'll stay at my brother in law's house where he has a room to rent to her for a long-term stay.
Family is so important to all of us and we would never turn our back on family, but I can honestly say I just don't want a houseguest right now. I haven't even really started my Lyme treatment yet, and am just so miserable. I can barely keep my rage from flaring up on a daily basis, and certainly can't keep up with housework.
My husband knows how sick I am and is totally supportive of me. But I can't bring myself to tell him that while I love his cousin, I just don't want her here (and her little dog, too.) He says she can help with the housework, but the Hostess in me will want to keep the place spotless while she is here, and that just won't happen. Which will aggravate me, making my rages more frequent.
I know I should just bite the bullet and ask my husband if she can just stay the whole time with my brother in law. But in the family's eyes, it would be so rude. Sigh. I know what I should do, but lack the courage. Any words of wisdom for me? Or just a plain 'ol kick in the pants would do, also.
[ 08-04-2010, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: MamaBear11 ]
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
You have every right to ask for consideration in this situation. Please KNOW that.
My opinion- kindly tell hubby you were wondering if, because you felt so awful, could he have mercy on you and understand that this living arrangement, for reasons he may never understand, will be stressful for you at this time.
Ask if he could possibly "live with it" if his cousin stayed at the other place. If he is a guy who needs logic.. you can add that it would be easier for his cousin too... getting settled and not moved so much after what she has been through... etc.
Hope that helps.. but you do have a right to feel that way. And if nothing else works... tell him the old saying...
"Fish and company stink after 3 days."
Posted by Misfit (Member # 26270) on :
Tincup had great advice and i dont think i can add to it. Just wanted to echo the sentiment that you have every right to your feelings. Youre dealing with enough. I get how important family is but if theres an alternative (the BIL) id have to stress the importance of her staying there. Or maybe tell your DH that hell be responsible for keeping the housework up? In all honesty the cousin should help out with that. More than what would be expected of a regular houseguest. Im sorry...id hate to be put in that position with what we deal with already. I hope it works out for you. Hugs!
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Doesn't make sense why she would move to two places instead of one????
Hope you can work things out. I feel for you!!! Not sure what I would do in your situation. I would want to opt out too.. but would probably agree to let her stay. (sigh)
Posted by MamaBear11 (Member # 25116) on :
I think my husband is trying to share the burden with my brother in law, and do our part to help her out. She also has a dog...ugh! And she has no car, so I'm sure she'll need some rides too while she's here.
It just all adds up to a hectic month. And I'm coming off of the busiest month of the year in terms of birthday parties, Baby showers, in laws visiting, etc. My tank is empty, I've just got nothing left.
Thanks for the words of encouragement! I think I will have a good long talk with my husband.
Posted by LightAtTheEnd (Member # 24065) on :
The most important thing is, you should be able to feel safe telling your husband your true feelings about this. You shouldn't have to pretend it's all okay, and suffer in silence.
You also shouldn't say sure, sure, it's all fine, and then when the relative is living there, take out your suppressed rage on her or your husband, who are mystified as to why you are upset.
And your husband should understand, if he asks you to do this, just how much he is asking you to take on. He may just really not realize the depth of your feelings or how things like that affect you negatively.
It would be much more fair to both you and her if you are able to discuss it openly and calmly with your husband ahead of time, and then if you do agree to have her there anyway, make sure that he and she are aware of anything they need to do to support you in that time and keep your batteries charged, or to give you your space and privacy, and then you be prepared to do your best to really truly be okay with it and know it's only temporary. And your husband would have to tell her straight out the rules of the house when she moves in.
Otherwise it might be better if you could tell your husband up front that you really fear it will not work out well at all, and let him work it out with his relatives for her to stay at the other place.
Good luck, and I hope it all works out okay.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
this is an absolute tough one for me.
on one hand, i know how the families are and what they will think, on the other hand you and your health come first.
i feel you must be honest with your husband and if you feel you absolutely don't want her there, well, then he should support you.
but if the bil has a room or something why doesn't she just go there anyway? sounds screwy...
but if it were me, i'd let her stay and qo quitely insane and destroy my health.
i hope it works out for you, i really do.
and besides i love really large dogs. no small dogs for me.
mike has told his son and wife they can come for two weeks in december. now we don't have a guest bedroom, just a futon in our exercise room. so what did he do? told them they could have OUR room and we get the lumpy ole futon. ain't a happy camper about this but what could i do? he's not going to put his son in a hotel, no way.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- My mother kept silent about many inconveniences and outright boundary violations regarding guests or family celebrations. We had no IDEA that she had felt put out so until near her death when, one day, she just blurted out a long list of times I sure wish we hand known.
It's really your responsibility to be very clear with your communication as to how this matter affects you. Of course, if there are no other options, you may have to make the best of it - and dropping the "Better Homes and Gardens" impossible criteria is a start. Forget the "perfect hostess with the mostest" burden.
Be yourself and honor your needs. That's all anyone really wants, anyway. It may be hard to be so honest but it is absolutely required of you are going to be able to arrange your surroundings and schedule in a way that works for you. Others need to know. It won't be the end of the world.
So, even if she does stay with you, you have to take care of yourself and others just will have to work with that. It usually works out better for everyone, anyway.
I would hate to be a guest if I knew I would be burden but - if in such a situation - I'd want details on what your needs are and suggestions for how my conduct would best work for you.
Your husband deserves your honesty with this. It's not just unfair to keep it bottled up, it's dropping the ball with open communication.
He - and others - might enjoy the problem solving around this. And it would be best if you could drop the shame. We all have it. Drop it.
Having your husband read this may help in his understanding of how the slightest change even in your visual field can be stressful. It's not a personality thing, it's just the way your body is for now.
=======================
Many with lyme have inner ear issue. For those, this explains how ANY disturbance with our surroundings can adversely affect us:
. . . Attempts to indulge avocational or vocational pursuits is frequently interdicted by either the languor of Lyme or by encephalopathy. . . .
. . . impairment of concentration, inattention, easy confusion or disorientation when attempting intellectual tasks. . . .
. . . Lyme patients can be easily irritated by anyone just walking into the same room even though eye contact is never made or words exchanged. . . .
. . . Incidentally, hyperaccusis (sound sensitivity) can be a feature of VII neuritis. . . .
. . . Eye related problems in LD are commonplace . . . .
. . . disorganization, an inability to follow a train of thought . . . .
. . . Others forgot how to spell even simple words, how to read or must re-read with varying degrees of comprehension. . . .
. . . After shopping for groceries, another patient placed her shoes in the refrigerator and stored the food in the clothes closet. . . . -
Posted by MamaBear11 (Member # 25116) on :
I am very lucky in that my husband is extremely understanding and supportive when it comes to my health. I am sure that when I tell him I am not comfortable having a houseguest right now, he will make other arrangements for his cousin with no hard feelings.
The difficulty with communication is actually on my part. When I fly into a rage (usually because of something like not having the energy to do the dishes for several days, then getting angry because the kitchen is so messy and there is nothing I can do about it) my husband gets upset that I didn't ask him to do the dishes.
For some reason I have always expected him to be a mind reader; to see the things that need to be done and do them without being asked. Maybe it's a guy thing to need to just be told what to do?? But my husband has always said that all I have to is just ask him to do something and he will happily do it. Especially recently since I have been so sick.
It has been really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I can't be Little Suzy Homemaker anymore. But after reading all of your supportive comments to me, I know it is time to finally put myself first. Oh my gosh, it is so hard for me to even think about doing that; I have always put others' needs above mine. But it's time.
Thank you all so much for saying what I needed, but didn't want, to hear. I love you all for that.
Posted by sutherngrl (Member # 16270) on :
I would just say......I am too sick to have a house guest.....period.
I have been in a similar situation. My husband's cousins were just gonna come and stay a few days to visit us and other relatives. They wanted to stay with us and I told hubby that I just couldn't do it. It was way to stressful.
I am at a point now, I have been ill over 4 years, that I can't worry about what others think of me.
If its going to make you feel stressed or like you have to be the hostess, don't do it. Its your house! Its your health!
If you had cancer, no one would expect you to do this. No one realizes how sick you are with LD but you. So take care of yourself!
Posted by glm1111 (Member # 16556) on :
I am just wondering why your husband didn't consult with you in the first place so you could make an informed decision. If that had happened, you could have voiced your concerns and told him up front that it would affect your health.
Instead you have been put on the defense. I am sorry, but he didn't give you the respect you deserve. You need to put YOUR health first and so does your husband.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you should let him know that this is just not acceptable and let him explain to the cousin why she can't stay. Hope you work it out,
Gael
Posted by merrygirl (Member # 12041) on :
couldnt read all responses. \
But How do you know she will be there "just" one month. Some people really like to linger. If she doesnt get a job then what?
I think it is too much for a sick lyme patient. You sound a lot like me in terms of rages and wanting the house to be clean. This person is going to want rides and everyhthing else. I wouldnt be able to deal with it.
Plus are you SURE she is trustworthy? Are you SURE she is clean?
Too many drug addicts in my family to know that they are not the most trustworthy and honest people. Thats from experience. . I hope whatever happens it will be easy for you
Posted by MamaBear11 (Member # 25116) on :
I had a good talk with my husband about this. I started by reminding him that I love his cousin, and understand that she is like a sister to him. Then I told him how upset I was that he didn't talk to me about it first, before telling her she could stay here.
Apparently they had a conversation last year where he told her that when she was sober and ready to make a fresh start, all she had to do was call him and he would help her out. I am proud of him for wanting to help. Just wanted a little communication about it with me first...
I explained to him how it would impact me, and ultimately the family unit, to have a houseguest longterm. I told him that while I didn't expect him to understand how I felt, I did ask him to respect my wishes to not have her here for a long time.
He came home from work this morning and told me that he thought long and hard about it, and he would respect my wishes. She will stay with us for a few days, and then move on to my brother in law's house after her interview on Saturday. I can live with that.
I also returned the favor and told hubby that if things were going well and it was working out well having her here (like she cooks and cleans for me!) then I would consider letting her stay with us longer.
So win-win for both of us as far as I'm concerned. Now my sister in law isn't happy with having a new houseguest soon, but she can deal with my brother in law about that!
Thanks everyone for your suggestions and support!
Posted by Dekrator48 (Member # 18239) on :
MamaBear,
Congratulations on handling this situation in a tactful way that worked out well for you!
Posted by Joyful (Member # 25620) on :
Ok, I'm NOT saying this is what you should do...this is just what I would do if I was in your position.
Since family IS super important to you (as it is to me) I would bite the bullet and let her stay. BUT there are a few other things I would do also.
1. I would make sure she really understands how ill you are. And possibly I would see if she would be willing to take over the cooking or somehow help out.
2. I would make your bedroom or another place in the house into a refuge. If you have your tv/book/hobbies in there and have it set up as sort of your own little escape I think that would help. We lived with a room mate for a few of my sickest years and doing that helped me a lot.
3. make sure your hubby knows how hesitant you are to have her stay and make sure he really understands why (that it's because you are so sick and not that you don't love her).
Anyway, that's just my 2 cents, and not necessarily what would be best in your situation. Family is #1 priority (after the Lord) for me and so that's just what I would do
Lots of hugs to you!
Posted by Joyful (Member # 25620) on :
ha ha ha...just read your update! Guess I should have read all the responses before I gave you my opinion! lol Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Sounds good, Mama Bear!! Keep us posted on what happens!
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Communication in action. Good to hear.
I'll bet when his sister understands, she'll respond nicely. -
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