I can't do this. I am not working for the moment. I am totally overwhelmed by kids schedules. 3 kids in 5 sports. Dh coaches 3 teams. Being at activities means having to socialize at least a little. Sports all week and all weekend. I feel Like I can't do this
Dh also had meetings all the time and is on so many sports committees. No help. I really am feeling like I can't take this.
Just started treatment. No guarantees this will get better. I have given up everything to deal with this. Dh does not know the word no. The again I don't want him to have to suffer too. I can't take it. I can only control so much.
It's my cross to bear but itis getting too heavy. How do you deal with this?
Posted by lyme in Putnam (Member # 11561) on :
Do what u can do. Can another parent pick up or drop off. When my son was young, I pushed, but I only have one kid, and he had Lyme for 3 years. No sports, not too active, now is the problem he sees what's going on and understands. Kindof masked it when he was young. Can't do that now. Do what you can do. You're sick, this isn't an option.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
It can be really overwhelming - juggling kids and activities is tough for a healthy person.
I don't really have an answer except to say, take it a day at a time and enlist the help of anyone you can - family members, friends etc.
Hope things improve for you. Will keep you in my prayers.
Posted by pme (Member # 31621) on :
Thank you both. I am trying to lay low but I don't look sick. The more I go to the kids activities the more it is not believable To others that I am sick. We do have to ask for help but that doesn't give me time to rest.
Nobody else deals with this? I am floored at this although I know dh is over the top with the sports thing.
People keep saying they want to help but........ There is always a but
Eg. I find it hard to organize lists get shopping and rarely have the energy to cook, but by sheer will I do.
People keep saying they would like to do something like cook but they know one of my kids has food allergies.
Lately I have been saying. Yes she does but I still have to cook for three others ( they know I have a restricted diet too) and I would love the help. But nobody helps
I know they are busy too. I just think that looking at me it does not equate how sick I really am.
When I am better I will remember this feeling and not ask, but just do things for those going through a rough time.
I am sick just thinking about this weekend coming up.
DH has never been sick a day in his life so it's not his fault but he just doesn't get what I am going through.
Posted by 17hens (Member # 23747) on :
Can anyone find the spoon story and share it with pme? Maybe it will help hubby understand.
Posted by AlanaSuzanne (Member # 25882) on :
I have to say that as a parent of sick kids I long for the days when they were busy.
My advice to you is be happy that you're the one who is sick and not your kids.
I know it's tough being the sick mom. But it's hell of a lot tougher being the (sick or healthy) mom of sick kids.
I'd give ANYTHING to see my kids kicking a soccer ball around the field or watching them compete in a gymnastic meet as opposed to seeing them writhing in pain in their beds and struggling with short-term memory problems, sleep problems, auditory processing issues, light and sound sensitivity, joint and muscle pain, etc, etc, etc. --I could go on and on.
Please find peace in the knowledge that you have healthy children and that you have a healthy husband who is willing to go all-out supporting your kids in their endeavors. Everything and everyone else doesn't matter in the scheme of things.
Posted by pme (Member # 31621) on :
Alana....I am so sorry for you and pray that you will soon be able to see your children run and play like mine do. I can't imagine how you must feel
I also have to say that it does matter. It is very tough to have children and to not be able to participate in their lives. It is a nightmare. I wouldn't say either of us have it better.
Yesterday my dd brought home a journal. I commented that last year she wrote about me a lot. I joked that this year I didn't get much space in her 6 year old writings. She said that is because last year I played with her but this year I have Lyme.
It broke my heart.
If I had a choice I would choose to be sick instead of them. But we all need someone to care for us. I have no one but I am a big girl. Your kids are lucky to have you. I pray that they heal soon
But there is no better situation. It is all awful.
Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
You need to pace yourself.
When you are sick and fatigued and in pain, you do only the essential stuff, and you need to decide what that is.
Posted by rera2528 (Member # 29886) on :
In terms of getting help, can you carpool the kids with anyone to any of the activities? It seems like that might cut down on some of the stress.
I only have one child, but between working full time and trying to get her to her activities, I sometimes feel like I am drowning! My mom has stepped in to take her to one activity, which helped immensely.
If I push too hard, I eventually crash for a few days - on the couch or in bed, barely able to form coherent sentences, achy all over, fever. Then I REALLY miss out on life.
It can be discouraging to feel like you are watching your child(ren) grow up and experience things without you. I am with Alana - as hard as it is to watch, it would be much harder to watch her be sick.
Not to tell you what to do, but it sounds like there needs to be a pretty significant reality check family meeting at your house about what you can and cannot do. Let DH know that he is welcome to sign up for things, but he has to figure out how everyone is getting places. Go extremely simple on meals. My DH does the cooking, as he has realized we won't eat otherwise!
You will get better. Don't allow yourself to think otherwise.
Let go of trying to be a "perfect mom" and what that picture looks like in your head. When my daughter is old enough to understand, I hope she will look back on this time and marvel at all of the memories we were able to complete. I doubt she will remember all of the times we didn't do things.
Good luck - set some boundaries for yourself and hold fast to them. Your recovery will be substantially longer if you don't rest.
Posted by WendyK (Member # 18918) on :
YES!!! I am also totally overwhelmed (note my recent post).
I take my two boys to their tae kwon do lessons, and am supposed to be 'leading' a 4H group. I can't say I feel like I've been doing a very good job at it lately.
When at the lessons (I don't live close enough for it to make sense to go home during them), I keep finding myself looking around to see if there is ANYPLACE to just lay down. That's all I want to do. I'm going to start napping in the car I think. (I have done that at work already during lunch breaks, or just fall asleep at my desk during lunch)
The house is a total disaster. If the rest of the family wants it cleaned up or wants clean clothes, they've been told they have to pick up the slack because I'm not going to do it. (my boys are 5 and 9). Its amazing how much more motivated they get when they don't have any pants to wear!
My hubby has picked up the slack making dinner thank goodness. Last week when he had to work late several days, we had pancakes from a box mix for dinner one night, I picked up take-out on another and the last one, I was telling them dinner was a free-for-all, whatever they wanted to make for themselves as long as it was reasonably healthy. They can be quite resourceful when needed.
That's what it has taken here to get help - when everything starts to slide, and everyone else has no choice but to help out. The house will remain a disaster, I don't care. If someone comes over and has a problem with it, they are welcome to help out and clean it up!
OK, so that turned out to be a bit of a vent myself, sorry about that. Hang in there, its tough. Let yourself rest, you can only do so much. Let others know that you are indeed sick, don't try to hide it with a brave face, you need help - ask for it! (its taken me a while with a psychologist to actually be able to ask for help -its not easy!).
Good luck, we'll all get through this!
Posted by AlanaSuzanne (Member # 25882) on :
pme, it's all awful, yes. Reality is if you had cancer, God-forbid, the moms in your kids' sports groups would likely form some sort of schedule for them to deliver meals to your family and offers of carpooling would be pouring in.
Alas and unfortunately, this isn't the case when you ``just'' have Lyme.
I hope you didn't take my post the wrong way. I understand and appreciate where you're coming from. It's just that from where I sit, I'd give anything and everything to see my sick kids involved in sports and activities as they used to be.
So at this point in my life, I regard that as a gift. Again, from where I sit, you are blessed with the gift of healthy children and that is quite a blessing.
There are a lot of moms here--some are sick with healthy kids, some are healthy with sick kids and some are sick with sick kids. And moms always have good advice for each other.
In terms of my advice for you, I'd strongly recommend that you reach out to any of the mothers you've felt a connection with.
And I'd come clean to them regarding your health situation and your limitations and ask them to carpool your kids, especially if hubs is the coach of their kids' team.
Sometimes people surprise us. For all you know, there might very well be a mom or two who ``gets it'' and will be a good support for you. You won't know that unless/until you reach out.
Wendy, I had to laugh when you posted that if the rest of the family wants the house clean or wants clean clothes they have to pick up the slack.
And good for you for laying the law down for 5 and 9 year olds! It is really remarkable how much more motivated kids get when they don't have stuff to wear!
Rera is so right...you all need to sit down as a family and discuss this. Your family is waaay overdue for a reality check and what your limitations are.
And yes, let go of that ``perfect mom'' thing. Let hubby do the heavy lifting with the kids and their sports.
Be that mom who watches the Disney movies with them and sits with them when they do puzzles and crafting.
Being a good mom doesn't mean you have to sit on the sidelines of the game. A good mom is just there, period.
I wish you the best of health and the best of luck. It's not an easy road, but you've come to the right place for support.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
i don't see how ya'll with family do these things. egads, sometimes i don't even have energy enough to clean the house and look what you are doing.
you're amazing.
Posted by 17hens (Member # 23747) on :
I was thinking maybe you could share this story with the important people in your life who don't get it.
After I told this story to my parents, everytime they talked to me or saw me, the first thing they asked was how many spoons I had. They were trying to understand and I appreciated it.
Posted by pme (Member # 31621) on :
Hi Everyone Well I did survive last weekend and another one is coming up. I am an incredibly laid back person and I wonder if this is my way of showing "anxiety". I just don't feel like I can handle weekends. Yes, I know I survive them so rationally I shouldn't get so keyed up right?
17 thanks for the spoons theory. I often think of that one, although I don't know if it is too abstract for DH.
On another post somebody pointed toward lymespouse website. He might get some of that.
I did have a sort of breakthrough with him.
By Monday he likes to rattle off the weeks activities (again, 3 kids, 5 sports, committees, practices, locations of games and times) OVERLOAD
I have asked him repeatedly to write it down as he says it. That way we avoid repetition and confused looks later in the week.
Sunday he started again, I asked him to write it, he said "Why...its not that HARD" (incredulously as usual). I went, got him a pen and paper and said "WRITE". And he did.
I almost cried, gave him a big hug and thanked him over and over again.
Praying for everyone who is going through this in any capacity. Thank you all for your support with this. Self esteem is pretty minimal, if it exists at all right now, but I will keep going as we all will.
Posted by Laura_W (Member # 31491) on :
Thank you for the spoon story!!!
Posted by sbh93 (Member # 30429) on :
Glad you got hubby to write it. It's a step in the right direction.
I had to lay down a law in my house as the kids are so spread out in age--one extracurricular per kid at a time.
My son asks me to play legos and sometimes I just can't move, but he'll say "you can lay on my floor and watch me, mommy." And you know, I do, and he is happy with that. He just wants the company.
We have taken out audiobooks from the library because sometimes reading is too difficult for me (either it's vision or I can't breathe), and we listen together.
We have "breakfast for dinner" night once a week, and since my kids prefer cereal or oatmeal to anything actually cooked in a pan, it works out nicely for me.
Privileges are directly tied to responsibilities and how much they've helped out that day.
Everyone's learned to talk quiet, and use earphones with electronics.
The backyard has a pool, swingset, and a trampoline...GO. I can watch from the deck on a cushy chair.
Just thinking of some adjustments we've made over the past couple years...
Posted by pme (Member # 31621) on :
All great stuff. Dh does not much believe in giving the kids responsibility so it is a struggle to get them to help me except in little things. But they are more than old enough and need to learn.
Turns into a good cop bad cop thing
Tonight he took all three to my daughters softball game so that gave me a break
It's been an anxiety filled day. I even had a paic attack. Wish I knew where my old laid back relaxed and confident self was hiding.
I still feel pretty guilty about not going You other parents are inspiring.
Posted by pme (Member # 31621) on :
This past weekend killed me. I seriously crashed so hard just getting the kids to their games. I want to run away. I will never get better at this pace and the guilt will kill me otherwise.
I need some hope.
Posted by Ellen101 (Member # 35432) on :
It is so hard with kids, work etc. I seem to get up feeling half way decent and by 6pm my legs are starting to throb. Thankfully mine are not as in as many things as yours are otherwise I could not do it. I think you may just need to say that physically you cannot do it or you are right you will not get better. Perhaps having your husband at your appts may help?
Posted by pme (Member # 31621) on :
Still haven't recovered from the weekend.
I no longer work but for about 6 to 8 hours a week just to help pay the mounting crazy bills (paid almost 200.00 for refill on zith the other day, I started to cry right there in CVS)
I am trying to figure out if it was all the activity or if it is a herx. Just emailed LLMD that question.
Hubby went to LLMD appt with me, and seemed to get it, but really he doesn't. Next appt is Friday via phone.
I also have an appt with a counelor myself tomorrow. I am sinking into a depression I think. I was gun shy to go see anyone because the last two were not LL and I didn't know what this chronic illness was. Waste of money.
It freaks me out because summer is coming, and it will be like a constant weekend.
Maybe it will be better since there won't be as many crazy activities but the kids will need to be entertained.
Thanks Ellen for your support. Take it easy.
Posted by WendyK (Member # 18918) on :
You will get through all this! If you can't do it, you can't do it, and some extracurricular activities might have to be dropped. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I couldn't do all my usual volunteer activities, etc., and not feel guilty about it.
I'm glad you are looking for a counselor for yourself. I was lucky to find a great one, just to help me deal with the emotional stress and guilt, and how to manage the exhaustion. Back before I knew the causes, I had started taking an antidepressant, which helped to some degree too.
The biggest message she has drilled into my head - its OK to ask for help!!! Without feeling guilty about it! We don't have to be supermoms, we just need to allow ourselves some time to get healthy.
I think summer will be a good thing - kids can learn to entertain themselves, with just a little guidance, a suggestion here and there on things to do, explore, learn. I like the break from homework hassles!! Plus the kids can go outside and run off energy. Set up a nice comfy chair or hammock in the yard and enjoy watching. Hearing their laughter is good for you!
![[Smile]](smile.gif)