Hi everyone..So I have a dear friend that I have known for many years. He is someone who I dated briefly ten years ago, and after we broke up we remained very close.
Well, he and I talked a week or so ago and he indicated that he doesn't think he can be friends with me anymore because "you are so sick and I cannot handle you possibly dying. I am too sensitive to this, and I have a girlfriend now that I love and a great job. I just cannot take the idea of you dying. It depresses me too much. So I think we need to just part pleasantly. I love you, but I cannot deal with this."
I asked him if I had ever once done anything to even bring up the illness unless he asked and he said, "Oh no ...you never mention it, I know that. But I look at you and I see how sick you are. And I cannot take it. And your being so sick REMINDS ME OF MY OWN MORTALITY." That was the last time we spoke.
I have been trying to not let this get too me but my heart is absolutely broken over this. My friend has a problem with drinking at times...he goes through periods of major drinking binges followed by sobriety, and I have always been there for him no matter how difficult things have been for him. I loved and still do love him with all of my heart, and it is killing me that he just abandoned me.
Has anyone else been totally abandoned by (seemingly) good friends? If so, how did you cope with it? This is contributing so majorly to my depression right now. I feel utterly bereft at the loss of this person. Thanks in advance for any responses. Jess.
Posted by Dekrator48 (Member # 18239) on :
I'm so sorry for the emotional pain this is causing you.
It's obvious that this stems from problems that he has, not you.
I would pray for him daily and let it go. He may come back.
I recommend you get a copy of the book "Jesus Calling"...it's a daily devotional that is so uplifting.
Listen to music on KLove.com. On their site put your cursor over "Music Room" and click on "Listen Online".
I will say a prayer for you.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It's not personal, really. They just can't "do" this, the same as we just can't "be" the picture of what we'd like to be.
As sad as it is, we have to accept this in others and appreciate their honesty - and keep the friendship in our hearts but know that we are really miles apart.
We cannot make someone feel differently. It's how they are wired. We just have to accept it and hold them in a special place and let them go.
Perhaps a phone call a few times a year or a card just to keep the lines open. It's taken me years to figure out just how hard this can be for others, too. Whether their adrenal system, the way they make sense of all they encounter and process or whatever, they just can't.
The more we can accept that, the better for them and ourselves. Emotions swell and, still, keep kindness at the center of your heart.
They are not abandoning us but taking care of themselves as best they know how, given the unusual circumstances. As a society, we've been terrible at showing how all kinds of connections can be maintained in spite of ill health.
Still, there is nothing we can do that won't risk making it worse. We must keep our own dignity as we give them freedom to figure this out in their own way. We can hope others can evolve in grace but it's not anything we can direct. We have to give them space and freedom. -
Posted by didogs (Member # 40101) on :
Jess-sorry you are being let down by your friend. I am struggling with a similar situation. Very sad. My best friend for the past 35 years is a nurse and just can't accept my lyme diagnosis, my symptoms, length of treatment, anything!! It is so sad. She has gradually pulled away over the past year and now we maybe talk once a week and keep it light.
It is truly heartbreaking. I am sorry you are experiencing this hurt too. I really don't think people understand how lyme affects us and impacts every aspect of our lives.
That is why this is such a great place to talk to people. Keep your chin up
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
thanks...the hard part is that we were so close. To be honest, I think he still had-well, I pretty much know he still had -romantic feelings for me up until he met his girlfriend. I do not know if meeting this girl and me being with my partner has helped to contribute to this severing of ties as well.
I do know that him telling me that he cannot cope with me dying and him just summarily dismissing me from his life entirely is absolutely one of the most painful things that has happened to me in years.
I am trying to not let it affect me, and I keep this to myself because all of my loved ones just say "oh he is a jerk, just do not let it bother you" but it breaks my heart because he is a person that i truly do love. Thanks for the responses. Jess
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- You don't have to change your feelings or memories about him. That's all part of that friendship, in its place and time.
Friends may be quick to call any friendship quiter a "jerk" but It does not do one any good to call anyone a jerk for just being honest and doing what they have to do for their own well-being. It helps to look at it that way.
It may help to try a "no-fault" declaration of the shift. Anytime we feel like blaming or begging for it to be otherwise, take a breath and release.
No one is at fault here. No one. As humans, we just move about in our lives in ways that don't always work for everyone. We can feel all the emotions around that but it's never helpful to offer anything but kindness to the other, even if we don't understand.
Do grieve, though, allowing your body and emotions to feel, breathe, and move through it all. Likely, this will bring up a bunch of other emotions. Don't fight that and just know that you'll be moving in and out of all that for a while.
Just take care of yourself, independent of others' actions. And enjoy those who are in your life here and now.
This is easier said than done. I did not move through these kinds of things very well but, in retrospect, I wish I could have done it better. -
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
Have you shared any of this with your husband?
He might be able to give another view from one who loves you.
Just an idea.
Posted by daynise (Member # 39609) on :
I'm sorry you are hurting Jess.
I don't have anything nice to say about people who abandon us in our time of most need. Being there is what loving someone is about- not carrying the person, but being there on even a basic level- especially when times are crap for one or the other in a friendship.
I've stood by and bled myself dry for so many people as they've gone through the ringer with one thing or another- even in the midst of my own suffering- and most of them have abandoned me now. But it's ok. I feel that the ones who I am meant to devote my precious energy to are the people who I still see when I look around me now. And those are the people I will stay devoted to when I am well again.
I think you should write out all the ways you feel right now in a letter to him and send it or don't send it- burn it to bits if you need to- but get it out of you and let it go as best you can.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Daynise, I am thinking indeed of writing him a handwritten letter. I love this man so much. He really was one of my best friends, and for all his issues or problems, he was someone who I would have done anything for.
I feel so completely worthless right now in so many ways. I never thought that he would do something like this. It is breaking my heart. And I worry, "well if I die, will he even care? If I leave this earth, would he even think of me or miss me? Or have I just ceased to exist entirely to him?"
I hate thinking this way, but it really does break my heart. I can take the agony that comes with this illness...I am not so sure I can take losing people that I truly love. Thanks again so much for the response. Jess
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
Personally, I think it takes a while to get over feeling love for someone. It means having to let go of them, and I don't think we're always ready to do that.
I think there's a grieving process involved, and a reassessment of who they are, and sometimes they're not who we want them to be.
What's interesting is that at least he was honest with you. A lot of people leave and never say why. And yes, it's common for people to leave.
Jessica, it's more about his feelings and not you. I've said it before and I'll say it again: keep your eyes on your goals, which I'd say as of now means getting the best medical care you can, and don't give up looking for it.
Plus you have a husband now. He needs to matter more than this ex-friend.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Robin, thank you. Yeah, this person to his credit is always painfully honest. He never lies about his emotions. I do have to begrudgingly respect that..although his honesty in this instance was unbelievably wounding.
It really is just breaking my heart in a way I never thought I would, though. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without my friend in it. He has been A HUGE part of my life for so long.
My biggest fear is that I will die and will not have a chance to say goodbye to him. At the same time, I want to scream at him "How can you leave me like this? How can you leave because I am sick? After all that we have been through?"
I really feel as well like this means that there is something wrong with me as a person..that I have done something that made him go away. When I honestly examine my behavior, I know that I was never anything but a great friend to him...still, this idea of not being good enough for him to continue to be in my life is haunting me.
I miss my friend, and I miss him terribly. ...thanks so much for the response. Jess
Posted by Dekrator48 (Member # 18239) on :
He has very poor coping skills.
He is running away from anything that makes him feel uncomfortable as his way of not dealing with it.
His drinking is another way of running away from reality.
To him, it isn't really about you. It is that he cannot cope appropriately with fearful feelings.
Only God can change people.
Pray that God will reveal Himself to your friend and show him, through God's love, that he can make it through anything, that he does not have to be ruled by his feelings, and that he will learn how to find hope and peace through God's word.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Dekrator, I agree..he has very poor coping skills.
I just never thought that someone I love and that I know loves me could do this.
I feel so abandoned. I feel indescribably hurt. I miss him so much. Thanks. Jess
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
You can certainly write him a letter and let him know how hurt you feel and see if anything comes of it.
I think it bodes badly for him in his future relationships if he runs away from the more unfortunate parts of life.
I personally don't see anything wrong with someone having been a part of our life - that's always true, when someone is. And you can keep those feelings and those memories - they are what they are and have been.
But sometimes when people are presented with changing situations, they can't handle it. He may still love you, but he is telling you he can't handle it.
Not your fault, not our fault that any of us have Lyme and co's, is it? So why are you blaming yourself for what a tick(s) did?!
I think it's time to move on and appreciate that you have a very loving husband who is standing by you all the way - he's the keeper -
And don't let this person's feelings get in the way of what you need to do for your own life, which I see is a need for the best medical attention you can get.
One more thing - if a good medical relationship can help turn you around, you may be able to have a relationship with this person in the future when you're feeling better. So don't think never means never.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- If you do write him a letter, you could regret it for a very long time and "rewrite" that in your brain time after time. It's just how that letter writing thing works, I'm afraid. Or wonder how he will interpret each line, each word.
It's what my brain has done with those few notes I had hoped would make a difference, going back to even high school but even into adulthood.
So, it seems that any letter that has an agenda (wanting the other person to "do" what we want them to do) is bound to boomerang, come back and hit us on the head - in those doubts that become stronger once a letter is let to fly out of our hands.
He was clear in how he feels and what he needs for himself at this time - it did not at all diminish what was. His life is different now and so is yours. What any friends share along the way stays. That is part of you.
I guess I had my fair share of trying to change others' minds and, looking back, I was so wrong about so much. It would be nice to spare others of the pitfalls of dwelling.
I've also had to break off some friendships - not so much the friendships but there are some friends with whom I cannot even talk by phone. Their voices just HURT my ears too much or the way they talk is just too energy taxing.
I've been the one too ill to take part in the relationship just as I've had others who can't be around me due to my difficulties, even lack of energy. It hurts to be be told they just can't deal with it but, the truth is, neither can I. It doesn't mean we think less of each other, though. The weather is just not right at this time for a picnic, so to speak.
It has nothing to do with them, or even the friendship but I just can't have my ears or energy be part of that anymore.
Why are another person's feeling any different than if their ears could not take it. If their feelings can't take it, or if any part of them just can't, they just can't. I think sometimes we may think others are strong in all the ways we are not. Others have their vulnerabilities, too. Others can't manage everything, either.
Still, emotions can really hurt, no doubt about that. If there is anyway to take the blessings and nurture the pain in a positive way, I hope you find that.
Pachelbel's Canon in D seems one piece of music that has helped me appreciate a wide range of emotions. It has a remarkable ability to be the salve for whatever the situation requires. -
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Thanks Keebler. Robin, I am just so heartbroken at the fact that he has just suddenly frozen me out of his entire existence. I have rarely felt so hurt from someone's actions.
And now the fears of being abandoned are with me all the time. I think my partner is going to leave, that my other friends are going to leave..I feel I am going to be left with no one and it is making me so depressed and anxious.
I had no idea just how much I loved my friend until he went away. The pain is practically unbearable. I am incredibly stoic with physical suffering, but I have a very hard time coping with this kind of emotional pain. I am devastated. Jess
Posted by Dekrator48 (Member # 18239) on :
Jess,
We know cannot control other people's thoughts or actions.
When other people have hurt me, I have found the teachings in the link below to be extremely helpful.
When you click on the link, and scroll down a little, you will see a long list of shows that you can scroll down through.
You will see some titled, "Fear and Doubt" Parts 1 and 2, and "Facing Fear and Finding Freedom" Parts 1 and 2.
I urge you to watch them. I find every one of the shows in the list to be helpful to me in my life, with all the trials that we face.
Posted by tickled1 (Member # 14257) on :
I didn't read everyone else's responses.
Was this the man that you've mentioned before that still had very strong feelings for you and wanted a relationship with you but you didn't feel "that way" about him?
If he is in love with you, which it seems he is, but can't be with you maybe for his own sanity this is the only way he can handle it. It must be painful for him to love you and see you suffer but not be able to be with you the way he wants to.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Tickled-no, that man who had strong feelings was my other ex, Teddy.
This man I have been friends with for a long time, and we were lovers 10 years ago. After we broke up, we remained the closest of friends.
I know that he was romantically interested in me up until he met this girlfriend of his. He would frequently mention things about wanting to be with me and missing me romantically but when he would sober up, he would go back to saying how happy he was that we were just friends.
I do not know what the deal is with him. All I know is that I have rarely felt greater sadness over something. Jess
Posted by faithful777 (Member # 22872) on :
Jess, I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost a lot of friends when I got sick. They just don't know what to say or do and sometimes that pushes them away.
Hang in there. Just pray for him to understand.
Posted by tickled1 (Member # 14257) on :
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Try to stay strong.
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
In a certain way, this kind of situation tests us. When others reject us, can we be our own best friend? That's an important insight, I think. We are the steadiest one in our own life. We should not allow others to knock us off-base.
I think the situation calls for some affirmations, as in, I am ok I am enough I am different and that's ok I am (breathe in and out kind of thing) No matter what someone else thinks, I am ok Not everyone is ready to see me as I am Their rejection of me is a reflection on them, not me. I need to allow others to be where they are and not have it be a reflection on me. Breathe and be present to my own life. I appreciate the people who do stick with me.
Etc. Maybe you can find some of your own affirmations to write out for yourself and say aloud everyday till you get used to your inviolateness as a person on this earth!
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Robin, thanks for this. I think that is one of my biggest problems..I really dislike myself. I am ashamed of who I am, and I am ashamed of being sick physically and of my mental health history.
It is very hard for me to be kind to myself. I feel like my dear friend leaving like he has is proof that I am somehow fundamentally flawed and unlovable as a person.
I know that I do have people that love me, but I worry that they also will stop loving me at some point like my friend seems to have.
I am still just so upset over this that I can barely articulate it. I miss him so much. Thanks so much for the response..and thanks tickled and faithful as well for the kind words. Jess
Posted by lax mom (Member # 38743) on :
Jess,
I have learned that the only person I can truly count on in life is myself and God.
Friends come and go, children will grow up and leave, spouses can let you down...but it all boils down to being comfortable in your own skin when you are all by yourself. Realizing that you are here for a reason, that you matter regardless of how sick you are and regardless of who loves you or not.
Realizing that your worth is absolutely and completely intrinsic (I've said that before).
If you can do that, it won't really matter if someone leaves, yes you will be sad and wish they didn't go, but it won't destroy you.
If your whole family turned their back on you and all of your friends left, guess what?
You would still be Jess. You would still have that same warm, caring heart.
You would still matter in this world.
Plus, you would still make a difference to lots of sick people on Lymenet everyday Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Thanks so much lax mom! That was so kind of you. xoxo jess
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
Jess, I can relate - when I found myself in bed at a fairly young age, I could not accept myself being in that position - I should be...fill in the blank -
I had to learn that lesson over the many years I didn't know I had Lyme, that I could have self-worth even if my life didn't look a certain way.
That's the lesson - to give oneself unconditional support, no matter what the circumstances.
So, I suggest you retrain your thinking: I accept myself. I accept myself even though...
I suggest you write out pages of that stuff, filling in that blank, to get it out of your system, 'cause that's the conditional thinking.
It doesn't come right away - you have to work at it, to go, oh look, there's another way I don't accept myself, and now I'm going to, kind of thing. I think it takes a lot of pressure off of us internally.
And you know what, by doing this, you gradually will start to "get" it, and by YOUR attitude, not others', you can train others to accept you as you are.
Posted by cozynana (Member # 34270) on :
Jessica, My mom has always told me that things change in life and some of the change we don't like.
You have a husband and he has a girlfriend, that in itself may be enough for him to realize he has to move on.
It just may not be in a way that is pleasing to you.
You have a future with a man that loves you. Focus on your health and put your energy on getting well.
Be grateful you had the past boyfriend/friend in your life and had the honor to know him and the memories you can keep forever.
I would suggest you look towards the future and be grateful your past friendship was so special with him and move on.
It is not worth your energy or hurting your health to sit and worry and stew over this relationship of the past.
Maybe you can write him a letter and keep it for 6 months. If you still feel like sending it to him at that time do so.
Living in the present and future is the key to success in this life.
I wish you the best.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Robin-thank you. Jess
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Thank you Cozy. Jess
Posted by KentuckyWoman (Member # 38894) on :
Jess, this is only a thought. I do not know your friend obviously, but I've read all of the above and I have yet a different "possibility" to consider.
Do you think perhaps that your dear friend loves you very much, and there may be truth to what he says about not wanting to see you so sick, but do you think it might also be possible that, since he has a girlfriend, and you a husband, he needs to distance himself in order for your all's individual relationships to have more success?
I'm thinking perhaps you two might be TOO close for him to have a healthy relationship with his new girl and you with your husband.
Your illness could be his "ticket excuse" to break such close ties more easily. Sometimes it is a subconscious thing and they don't even realize it.
That said, IF that were a possibility, then that would mean that you are SO PRECIOUS and SO DEAR, that he is protecting both of you.
I also agree with those above too, that you are so precious and valuable and whatever his weaknesses are, they are NOT your fault.
And talking things out with that sweetheart of a husband of yours could be your ticket to peace.
But, mind you are careful of his ego. Telling your husband how much you love another man can be misinterpreted by a man.
We women totally understand what you are saying, but men don't necesarily get it. I speak from experience here. I had a best friend from high school that I dearly loved like that, but could not convince hubby that he was no threat.
It's a difficult thing to lose a close friendship no matter what the reason is. In my mind, his might be one of the more noble ones, and again, not a "fault" of yours.
Give yourself some time to "grieve" or meditate on this for a little while, talk to hubby, give it a little MORE time, THEN consider whether that letter that is burning in your heart is really necessary.
I also agree with Keebler towards caution in situations like this. It's harder to "unsay" something. People don't really "delete" things from their memory no matter how much you regret. Give it some time.
HUGs and Prayers Peace and comfort to your heart. You WILL get through this. kw
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Kentucky, there is a part of me that wonders about that. My friend and I always had a friendship that was so close that there might have always been a frisson of romantic impulse there still. I wonder if perhaps he is distancing himself because of that. Our friendship always was too intense to just be a mere buddy thing.
You have given me something to really think about. I thank you so much for yr comments..they helped me a great deal. Jess
Posted by lax mom (Member # 38743) on :
I agree with Ky and you jess...it's ironic that this came about as soon as you actually got married.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
I think you might be right lax mom...perhaps that is what is going on. Jess
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