Hi everyone. I am just wondering who here is in therapy and if it has helped them.
My depression and dark thoughts continue to worsen (and I am feeling sicker than ever physically as well). I am thinking that I may have to go to see a therapist, as I cannot talk about this to friends or family or my partner because I fear they will leave me.
My problem is this. I have been in therapy before for my past suicide attempts. I literally become unable to speak in a therapist's office. My anxiety and shyness know no bounds at times, and with therapists it is always off the charts.
How am I supposed to talk about these issues when I become paralyzed with shyness and fear in a therapist's office? I am completely at a loss as to what to do.
Has anyone here had fears with therapy like this and/or difficult expressing their emotions in a therapeutic context? If so, how did you overcome them?
I am a ****ing mess right now and it is completely embarrassing me. I am a 32 year old grown woman and I want to act like it. I am so ashamed of these emotional issues on top of the Lyme. I feel like a complete fool.
Sorry again for this rambling message. Thanks in advance for any responses. Jess
Posted by homesick73 (Member # 36551) on :
I always related better to a female therapist, doctor nurse etc. (I am a female) Just seems like they are on the same wavelength with me. Also, maybe you could just tell the therapist up front that you are very shy and they can take measures to help you through it. I'm sure a good therapist has dealt with this kind of thing before.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Homesick, thanks for the response. I do not really care about the gender of the therapist. My biggest concern is the fact that I literally am unable to express difficult emotions in a therapeutic context. I had a therapist tell me once that he had never seen a client so incredibly inhibited with expressing negative emotion. OYY. Thanks again. Jess
Posted by karenl (Member # 17753) on :
You both need LDN to feel better immediately [email protected] Great medicine, no rx. It is anyhow necessary for your immune system. It is not so complicated, just do something.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Karen, I took LDN without a major effect. Thank you so much for the suggestion, though. Jess
Posted by Dove7 (Member # 39546) on :
Jessica, Did therapy years ago with an Army chaplain. I was very shy and cried for most of the first two sessions. He gently guided mewith questions.
When my mother was dying a few years back, I saw a Stephens minister from our church who was also a social worker. She was able to help me examine my fears, sense of loss, and time left.
Highly recommend giving it a try. You can decide whether you need a psychiatrist who can administer meds, a psychologist or social worker.
Decide if you want to examine the past or if you'd prefer dealing more with the intensity of how to deal with the here and future. I'm not saying this eloquently, but there are different approaches to therapy.
I'm proud of you. It's not the old nuclear family for everyone anymore, and therapists can be more analytical and able to help you learn to reframe your reactions and perspective. Asking for help is a good step.
Remember, sometimes you may not gel with a therapist the first time, and you may find yourself wanting to stop or run if a difficult position or observation arises. That's when some great work and growth can occur.
Continue to be brave. A good therapist doesn't judge or give you answers, but he/she can help you discover answers and steps to walk up away from the darkness. There isn't a promise of a perfect life but of a better life.
Look up some names and numbers tonight so you have a plan for the morning.
Posted by tailfeathers (Member # 39328) on :
Jess, I'm sorry I'm not feeling well enough to respond the way I'd like to but I did want to add something. I realize you have described yourself as 'shy' and 'anxious' within a therapeutic relationship (I realize the closeness and challenges of a client/therapist relationship and its struggles) but you have openly shared some of your most intimate matters on a public board for quite some time.
Perhaps it is your fear from past experiences that paralyzes you? I'm wondering whether it would be best to start writing some of your thoughts in the form of a letter to the therapist and starting that way? You obviously express your emotions very well on paper and perhaps that would allow some initial distance or rather a much slower and guarded approach vs. delving into a lot of deeper emotions? Wondering if this way things might unfold at their chosen speed...
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Dove-thank you.
Tailfeathers-I have never had a problem with writing out my pain or struggles. I have a very difficult time verbalizing it to other people, however. I had a therapist once who I only communicated with through writing him notes during sessions. It was the only time I ever spent in therapy that didn't feel like a waste. When it came time for me to go to the next level and try to verbalize my emotional state however, I balked and left and never returned. I was a total coward, I know. I am ashamed of myself for doing that, but that is how great my fear is.
I was abused pretty terribly as a kid by a family member. Until she left my life, it was a nightmare. I was never allowed to express how I felt without terrible consequences. I think that fear has continued throughout my life...the fear that if I express negative emotions, that I will somehow be hurt. I am also afraid of being judged. I know a therapist isn't supposed to judge a client, but it still concerns me to a very high degree.
Thanks so much for the suggestions and support. Jess
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Karen, I agree that LDN is a wonderful medication. However, it isn't the be-all, end-all. If only things were that easy.
And LDN is rx'ed by docs through compounding pharmacies. I wouldn't trust an LDN formulation not obtained through same.
Just taking LDN doesn't make you feel better immediately. Nor does it magically cure gut issues. I wish it did and I'm sure others do too.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Beaches-yup. LDN did very little for me. It is not a magical cure all by any means.
Also Beaches thanks for the PM. No need to contact that therapist, however. I have one in mind that I saw after my last suicide attempt. He was a tough guy but he respected me. He's prob my best bet. Thanks. Jess
Posted by karenl (Member # 17753) on :
Jess, you need to be on LDN for about 6 months to get the full benefit and it is for your immune system. It also is anti cancer. In your situation - you have no idea what is your disease - it is a must.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Karen, thanks for the tip. I still do not believe it to be the cure all you make it out to be, however. Jess.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Karen, I agree that one needs to be on LDN for months to experience the full benefit in terms of seeing positive changes in one's immune system.
I take exception to your statement "you have no idea what is your disease"
I think Jessica pretty much knows what she's dealing with.
Jess, good to know you have someone in mind. I just wanted you to know that I am here for you in whatever capacity you need. xoxo
Posted by karenl (Member # 17753) on :
Was mold discussed here - it can cause severe depression?
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Oy gevalt Karen. Enough already.
If you are interested, you can read about Jessica's journey. Until you do, please refrain from making treatment suggestions. Thanks in advance.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Karen-don't have mold problems. That was investigated thoroughly. Thank you for the suggestions though.
Beaches, thanks so much for the support. It is always greatly appreciated. I will PM you in a day or so. Let me just get this therapist lined up and such. You are so kind to me and I always appreciate it. xoxo Jess.
Posted by lululymemom (Member # 26405) on :
quote:Originally posted by beaches: Oy gevalt Karen. Enough already.
If you are interested, you can read about Jessica's journey. Until you do, please refrain from making treatment suggestions. Thanks in advance.
Lets not forget this forum is meant for everyone to express their opinion as they see fit. It is not intended to suppress constructive suggestions. If those ideas dont help one they may help another.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Jess, looking forward to hearing from you but please don't feel pressured to PM me!
Thanks for the compliment. LMK if you need anything from me. I'll do my best to help however I can.
xoxo
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Thanks again Beaches. I truly do appreciate your extraordinary kindness to me. You are one of the good ones . xo Jess
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
"Lets not forget this forum is meant for everyone to express their opinion as they see fit. It is not intended to suppress constructive suggestions. If those ideas dont help one they may help another."
Yes, lululymemom, that's exactly what I did. I expressed my opinion to a friend on this board as I saw fit.
Jess, sorry for the static. Please ignore it.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Jess, did it ever occur to you that you are one of the good ones too? xoxo
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
AAAW thank you Beaches .
Posted by Rumigirl (Member # 15091) on :
Jess, given the abuse from a family member, it is hardly surprising that you are afraid to express your feelings with
a therapist. Please be compassionate and patient with yourself in this process, just as you would be with
someone else. Think of how you would treat a child. Because the fear comes from the child in you who was so badly hurt.
Any good therapist will understand and will be supportive to help you through this. It's a process. With love and support, you can slowly open up to all your feelings of sadness, anger, and need.
This is soooo important for you!
Also, psych meds could really help now. I would suggest getting a referral to a really good psychiatrist for that.
Ideally, both psychiatrist and therapist would be people who have experience with people with chronic illnesses, and also people who have had abuse.
Acknowledge yourself for having made it this far, given the heavy load that you carry---both from the past and the present.
I am still amazed that you manage to work!!
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
Jessica, good to read that you're thinking of contacting that previous therapist.
My suggestion is to go slow and you stay in charge, choosing what and how much you wish to share initially, even the idea of writing your concerns down in a letter and handing it to him. You don't have to work on the hard stuff right away - you could start with easier stuff and just get used to the process of chatting with him.
You asked if others here had been helped by therapy. For me, yes, definitely. We never figured out what ailed me, and I was always anxious about that until I finally did find out about Lyme, but I learned alot about life, and that has helped me.
I think there's a lot of positive to be gained from the experience, as in learning how to handle everything more comfortably. It relaxed me more, and the lessons have stayed with me.
Posted by jessicabooklover (Member # 39427) on :
Robin-thank you very much. I was able to get in to see my former therapist on an emergency basis at 11 am today. I called him and told him I am struggling and feel incredibly depressed and need help. I do not even know how I was able to get those words out of my mouth, but I did. I am desperate for help. My suicidal thoughts are growing. I love my partner and I cannot do this to him, nor can I do it to my father and my friends.
The reason why I liked this therapist-even though I could barely speak when I was in his office-was because he respected me. He once told me that I was a true survivor (based on my childhood abuse and my rape as a young adult). He made me feel not condescended to. I need to be brave enough now to try to verbalize this pain in order to try to begin to ameliorate it.
This dr also has experience with chronic illness...he has a form of leukemia that has come and gone for 11 years. I am hoping that when I bring up my illness with him today that he will have empathy because of that. We shall see. Thanks again. Jess
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
. xo Jess