We don't want to offend anyone...... but the sick ones can only take so much visiting until its time to rest again.
How do you politely tell them when they are not taking notice of any of the non verbal clues that the person is getting tired?
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- You don't have to, exactly. You don't have to say "you have to go now." Rather, that "lights out" is fast approaching.
Non-verbal cues are not enough, though. You have to say something but put the focus on the reality of the situation - it's the situation that is closing in and YOU need to . . . .
"I just have to stop (now, pretty soon, two minutes)."
Start turning out lights if they don't get the hint. Ask if they need a drink of water or the restroom before they leave.
If you remain sitting and talking, they may think it's all okay. If they see you preparing for a rest, they should get the message.
You have to direct them and if they are not picking up on subtle clues, be clear that your parking meter has just 5 more minutes. Start your routine to close down.
When you start feeling like your "Cinderella time" is about to turn into a pumpkin, tell them that as soon as you feel it coming on.
"I've only got about 5 more minutes of battery time and then I need to fold up shop."
You can practice different ways of saying that so that it fits you.
Asking if they need anything else as you prepare to "roll up the sidewalks" can give them some transition time.
If you don't want them to go just yet but need to rest, go do that. Or just ask for conversation to stop for a few minutes so you can have some quiet time - and then you can resume the conversation.
I've been known to tell them to talk among themselves but I need to lie back and cover my eyes.
And, if you need to really, really, just stop right then and there, do say so. You can say that you need to go lie down immediately but they can take a few minutes to gather themselves and let themselves out.
If the door locks automatically, just let them know how to do that. Otherwise, ask one of them to gently call to you and you will come and see them out.
All this works best with advance notice - that you don't get much warning sometimes and want them to feel comfortable there but only have so much energy. -
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
It might be good to set ground rules before they come over? If they call and say they'd like to visit, say that would be great but **** can only visit for about 30 minutes. Then he is done in and will need to rest.
Posted by desertwind (Member # 25256) on :
Set boundaries and expections before they arrive.
You should not feel at all bad about being direct and saying "I not feeling well, am getting tired and need to get some rest".
Why depend on non verbals cues? Nothing wrong with being verbal and letting your guests know that you have reached your limit and need to rest.
Alot of people who are not chronically sick do not look for cues - just be upfront and tell them! You need to take care of yourself and nothing wrong with that.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I'm such a woos. I tell them I have a schedule to keep to and some things must be done in private
I dont say what and usually they dont ask but they get the point
Posted by Judie (Member # 38323) on :
Keep it to "I" statements.
Simply say, "I'm getting tired, I need to call it a night" or "I'm getting tired, I don't have much energy today and need to take a nap."
Be careful of tone and just say it really nicely.
Keep repeating yourself in different ways like, "Wow, that's really interesting. Let's talk about it later when I have more energy. I have to rest."
Posted by MannaMe (Member # 33330) on :
We had someone visit this weekend..... one couple left before 8:30 - the other one left a little before 9:00.
By that time he was bushed. He has a hospital bed and was sitting up when they came. As he wore out he started laying the back down and laying the hot pack over his head.
I forgot to say anything about keeping the visit short when the second couple called.... I will try to do better next time. This path is one we need to walk so carefully.
Thanks for your tips - we'll try to come up with creative ways to say "Its time to go!"
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Judie has great tips there. If your husband says "I'm really tired and need to rest" .. they can't argue with that or feel that they are being "run off."
Posted by Judie (Member # 38323) on :
I just thought of another one. I believe it's called stroke and stand communication.
You offer a compliment first then state your request.
You can say something like,"Gosh, we've really enjoyed your visit. I can tell (fill in name) is getting tired and needs rest. Let's talk later about getting together another time."
The key will be to make it a "request" and not a "demand" (from non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg).
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Nice!
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
manna, you said your husband is in a hospital bed???
OMG!! i wouldn't visit in the first place...too uncomfortable for me. i'd wait until he was up and around...
Posted by MannaMe (Member # 33330) on :
Randibear, Yes, we have a hospital bed downstairs for him because it was too much to climb a full flight of stairs.
Some of the family didn't like that he was upstairs and didn't come down to be with the rest of the family, so they found a used hospital bed for him to use. It is much nicer than having to run up with food, etc for him.
The problem is, some of these people think its all in his head and he needs counselling and antidepressants - that helped them!! So its got to be what he needs too!
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
That's so aggravating!
Posted by Judie (Member # 38323) on :
"The problem is, some of these people think its all in his head and he needs counselling and antidepressants - that helped them!! "
Oh gosh, that's terrible. I wouldn't want them coming over at all (but I know how it is, sometimes it's unavoidable). I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
I don't blame you for wanting them to leave immediately when you and your hubby reached your limits and not have them linger either.
I had someone try to convince me recently that my health issues were something else. Just plain ignorant...
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Well, you could do what my dad used to do:
Gather their coats and help them into them as you escort to the front door, all the while asking if they need anything else.
Yes, dad was quite the character, but he got the job done!
Seriously though, I wouldn't welcome anyone into my home if they thought it was all in "pick a person's" head.
I regard my home as our family's oasis, our calm from the storm, our safe place.
I don't think anyone should tolerate negativity coming into their home. There's too much of that outside the front door.
I know it can be difficult to say "no" to family and friends. But you have to weigh the pros and cons of having certain people in your home. And you have to set limits. If you don't no one will.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
all the way thru i was thinking...i need this info...i need how to do this.
what happens is i try to be normal and then i crash and i am not nice. i yell. or shut up completely.
what i do is not right.
but when i read this:
The problem is, some of these people think its all in his head and he needs counselling and antidepressants - that helped them!!
i could so relate and know how hard it is. i have to be careful to separate myself from ppl like that. it really brings out my lyme rage.
Posted by Dove7 (Member # 39546) on :
We asked a dear friend over to have dinner with us, for his wife is having a health crisis and he is at her side at the hospital so much.
After dinner, we went into the living room just to chat. I was okayfor about thirty minutes sitting up, then I leaned back, trying to get comfortable.
My husband said, "Well, I am so glad you could join us, and I know you need your energy to visit your wife. Looks like we need to be grateful for our time together and all try to get some rest."
I do what you do kayak in trying to be normal and nice. Unfortunately then I crash for 1-3 days if I do that anymore.
Love these suggestions.
Ideas on what to say when friends say that they've called and lefta message, but you didn't call back right away? I've tried to explain it may take me a day or two unless they tell me it's urgent.
Sometimes I don't have the physical energy to pick up the phone or talk, and what energy I do have I try to keep for my family on bad days.
Posted by Judie (Member # 38323) on :
"Ideas on what to say when friends say that they've called and lefta message, but you didn't call back right away? I've tried to explain it may take me a day or two unless they tell me it's urgent."
I just experienced that. I hadn't talked to a friend in about a month.
I sent an email two weeks in apologizing that I hadn't got back to him. I explained that I haven't felt well and haven't been up for talking to anyone. I also said don't take it personally that I haven't been able to call back.
I got a very nice email back saying he hasn't been feeling great either (he has health problems too, but the inability to listen so it really takes energy to chat).
I called him tonight and said I haven't had much energy and want to make sure I'm awake and present to talk. It's no fun talking to someone who can't really be there and I wanted to make sure I could be there for you when I called back.
No hurt feelings. I just used a lot of "I" statements to explain.
I think he appreciated that I wanted to really be there to listen and not just "phone it in."
Another thought is you can use slydial if the person has a cellphone. This bypasses the ring phase and goes straight to voicemail so you can leave a message but not have to talk directly.