I have to vent somewhere and you guys are the only ones I have so...
My in-laws are here. My mother in law is behind me every step of the way, taking cheap shots at me.
On top of that my son is graduating today and I'm having a really hard time holding it together.
She says I just need to get over it.
Also, had to yell at my son to wake up. So she says, is he gonna be able to get up on his own in college...
And on and on and on it goes.
I'm gonna kill her before the day is over.
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
Breathe, she enjoys getting your goat. This is a big day and don't let your memories be her carping at you.
My ex MIL was the same, every special occasion she tried to spoil.
Don't let her!!
I could barely stop crying when my son graduated. When pomp and circumstance started I said to my sister I didn't think I could do this- she reminded me I had no choice. LOL
Focus on your son. Every time she says something, shoot up an arrow prayer and breathe. This is his day.
Smile a lot at her and thank her for her advice. Make her think.
You can do this, I promise. I will be praying for you.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Condolences, linky!!
Every time she starts in, just say to yourself, "Lord, help her."
(she needs way more help than anyone but the Lord can give her)
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
Agree with dogsandcats - to focus on the purpose of the day, which is your son's graduation. Congrats to you and him!
You know, every once in a while, I actually put a bully in their place by standing up to them and telling them to knock it off.
Don't know if this day is the right day to be doing that, but you know, sometimes I don't think anything else really works with bullies. They don't expect us to fight back, and when we do, it comes as a big surprise.
When I do it, I use "I" statements rather than "you" statements, as in "I don't appreciate hearing comments like that and I'd appreciate it if you keep comments like that to yourself." Making "I" statements is much less inflammatory than saying "you" this and "you" that.
Sometimes people write a letter afterwards to set boundaries.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
Well, she's still alive and I'm not in jail.
They left this am. Feels like an albatross has been lifted.
I know I should just be able to let it roll off, but some reason she gets 'under my skin' like no one else can.
They have always been offended by me, esp when I was so sick and couldn't meet their expectations. Always have thought I was a hypochondriac.
Graduation was hard, but I made it through. Sure is gonna be quiet around here come August
Thanks everybody for the encouragement. Posted by surprise (Member # 34987) on :
Wow Mom, you did it. Congratulations on getting your boy through- my goodness, you must be so proud- and off to college to boot come Fall-
that is huge. What an accomplishment-----:-). You did good.
Posted by dbpei (Member # 33574) on :
Congrats Linky! Glad you made it through! Try to enjoy this time - especially now that your MIL has flown the coop.
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
Oh, yeah graduation was hard but the empty nest was a whole new topic.....
PM me if you need support....my hubby and son were re enacting my drama over the empty nest, I am quite the Helicopter mom!
Glad the monster in law is gone. The MIL that wrecked my marriage is 91 and is in a home and lays in bed all day waiting to die. I never thought I could have feelings if sympathy for her, but I do. Things change as time goes on.
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Right on Linky! Your MIL is just ignorant and loves getting your goat (like Dogsandcats said).
Dogs, you are a good soul. :)
Posted by 2roads (Member # 4409) on :
Atleast your MIL went home. Mine is stuck in my town cause none of her other kids want her.
She's blessed but so miserable. No matter where she goes....she's miserable.
I'm miserable with her here. She's not mentally well atal.
RRRRRRRRRR
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
So sorry to hear this! This should have been one of the happiest days of your life...seeing your son graduate! And BTW, congrats!
I got to a point in my marriage where I threw down the gauntlet. I told my husband that either he or I would have a talk with his mother.
This was after years of "subtle" putdowns and insults.
Told him if I had "the talk" with her it wouldn't be nearly as pleasant than it would be for him to do it himself. And so he did.
It didn't work miracles but at least it stopped her BS when she was in MY home when I was WAITING on HER hand and foot and sick as a dog doing so (don't even get me started).
I came to the realization years ago that NO ONE has the right to disrespect you in YOUR home, nobody. I will NEVER let anyone disrespect me in the home I have created for MY family. I have worked too hard and too long to create a loving home and a good family life despite many obstacles. I will not let anyone interfere with that.
2roads, some people will be miserable always, despite the many blessings they encounter during their lives. How sad, right? I wonder how people can be morbidly miserable (LOL, new term) despite blessings bestowed. Keep her away from your family as best you can. Her misery isn't worth the time involved spent with her.
dogsandcats, nothing wrong with being a heli-mom! We do what we have to do. You are very kind to feel badly for someone who ruined your marriage. I don't feel sorry in general for anyone who has been an awful person and is waiting to die at 91. We should all be so lucky to live that long.
Posted by pointermom (Member # 43153) on :
Congrats Linky!
Empty nest was difficult at first, but I discovered that I enjoy living alone. Try to keep an open mind, you may find that you enjoy it too.
Agree with Beaches - not taking any BS in my house!
Like the new term - morbidly miserable - describes a few people that I know, and they won't do anything to change their situations!
I was lucky - loved my MIL (still do) it was my ex-husband that I couldn't stand - LOL!
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
"morbidly miserable" hehe That should be a diagnosis!
pointermom, too funny that your MIL is the one you loved and your ex is the one you couldn't stand!
Glad to hear that you too are not taking any BS in your home!
I regard my home as our family's sanctuary, and a peaceful place where we can all come together and just be ourselves.
IMO, maintaining a stable family life is SO important when dealing with major illnesses like Chronic Lyme.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
2roads, I don't know what I'd do if she lived here.
Earlier in our marriage, she lived two hours away, not nearly far enough for a controller like her.
I engineered a move to where we are now, and really don't think our marriage would have survived otherwise. Esp with all this lyme-stress added on.
She's a piece of work, never met anyone more adept at being passive-aggressive, except maybe her son.
It runs in the family.
dogs, having lyme probably turns most of us into helicopter moms.
To all of you who have been so supportive, thank you!!!
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I remember going to ohio late one year and it snowed. now being from texas I didn't have a winter coat.
his family was getting together, mother, ex-wife and husband, sister and sons and families, and his daughter and husband. you know every single person in his damn family.
so we walk in late and his mother says loud enough to wake the dead "well randi at least you could have worn an appropriate coat. i'm sure somebody here would offer you one BUT MY GOD NOBODY HERE IS AS BIG AS YOU ARE"....
did my jerkwad of a husband say anything, oh hell no...leaving me speechless and looking like a fool.
oh yeah i've got one too...that's one funeral I wont be crying at I tell you true...
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
randi, wow. That's really cruel. Not sure what's worse, the comment or your husband 'opting out' from saying anything in your defense.
I feel your pain, my husband has been 'opting out' for twenty years.
Yep.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
nobody said a word. I sat down and no one even spoke to me. however we had a come to Jesus meeting when we left. I said never again.
and after the fiasco of his son's wedding I said I would get on a plane by myself but would never do his family again.
and oh yes. when I had 12 inches of my colon taken out and a week in the hospital not ONE person from his family called, sent flowers or a card. and they still have not, nothing, nada, zilch...
so I save my money and tell him if you want to go,,, have fun chow...
sorry for the hijack but every time I hear about a mil, I go "oh yeah,,,you ain't heard anything...."
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
randi, I don't blame you one bit. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.
I only go to funerals anymore (and got a bunch of attitude from SIL last time I did that), so yeah, it's just not worth it.
Posted by nefferdun (Member # 20157) on :
Linky, I am glad you made it through your son's graduation ceremony - I sure do understand the empty nest feeling. My son is home for a couple of days and his fiancee is a piece of work, so I am doing my best not to be that nasty old mother in law.
My husband's mother was a tyrant and so passive aggressive - I can really relate to these stories. She has said and done things I will never forget.
I got a horse as my wedding present from my mother. My MIL let it go and chased it off into the forest, the night before the wedding. We spent our honeymoon looking for it. She refused to go home, telling me she was staying to "welcome me into the family".
It just got worse. If I could go back to each one of those moments I would set her straight and not worry about it one bit.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
She chased your horse off the night before your wedding? What a sorry thing to do.
I hope you found him and he was ok.
You should have chased her off into the woods.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
shes one of those people when dies you send a letter saying sorry you can't attend but you wholeheartedly agree with it.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
I had to put my MIL in her place a few months ago. she says the dumbest things and to make it worse her husband and others in the family lie to her about the truth. I told them all I was not gonna live in lies any more.
now they all hate me
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
Lisa, we can't win with these people.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
no we can't. his mom has been like this for 30 years.
if I only knew then....
would I do it again, oh hell no....
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I never cared for my MIL .. she was OK .. but boy, could she lie. It scared me how often she spoke ill of her own children behind their backs.
No telling what she told them about ME. She said rude things to me once in awhile, but I usually didn't even tell my husband.
I felt like it would give her more power if I made an issue of it. I pretended not to care what she said to me. Overall, she was OK. Found out after she died that she had been abused by her father. One of those well-kept family secrets that I don't even think her kids knew about.
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
tutu, being abused like that can really mess someone up, but it's still no excuse for lying, throwing your own kids under the bus etc
Good for you for taking the high road and not letting her get to you.
When I tell my husband what she does, he just ignores me, so that just makes it even worse.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
....and my father-in-law!!! he is worse than MIL is! he pulled ME aside on our wedding day and told me he loved his son (whom I just married) more than his wife! AND that I better never hurt him or else!
yes, he really did. and yes it ruined the first 3 days of my honeymoon.
He actually bragged to me that he made my husband vomit as a 9 year old wrestling star- so he could make weight. so proud of himself. , yes, on our wedding day.....
I try to forget this stuff or else it just makes me boil!
Lymetoo is right, pray for them and for your own sake that you can have peace! "Jesus give me strength" is what I say to get through it all now.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Yeah, I knew if I told my husband that he would not confront her anyway. He's very sensitive and he would have been as upset as I was (deep down)... so then two of us would have been upset.
I figured I'd just let it go. One thing she said to me a few years ago still makes me mad, but oh well. I can say she was just senile by that time!!
I try not to say much to any of her kids that sounds negative. She's gone and it would serve no purpose. But I DON'T say, "Oh, I just loved her so much and I miss her." Nope. Not gonna lie.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
LT I more or less forced my husband to confront the MIL. It had gotten so unbearable for me that it was a question of me or him doing so.
There is only so much a wife can take in her own home, while waiting on someone hand and foot while simultaneously being disrespected by that same someone, all the while being sick as a dog.
I finally reached a point where I was no longer going to tolerate her nonsense. And too bad I waited so long to do so.
It's been years since her passing and the subject has come up again as I am helping my niece navigate her relationship with her own MIL.
My sweet niece got the short end of the stick with her own parents, so she doesn't have her own mom to turn to for advice. I am advising her to do the right thing, be the first to offer the olive branch, etc.
I am developing my own relationship with her MIL in planning the shower. I am keeping things lighthearted and fun and not discussing any aspect of any relationships at all as it isn't my place.
But my niece is a good girl with a good heart and reads people very well. She knows who she is dealing with and it isn't pretty. I just hope she has a better experience with her MIL than I did with mine.
Now that my kids are older I am finding myself pointing out things here and there that were bones of contention between MIL and me.
I am doing this to show them how silly/stupid/insignificant it is for people to offer opinions/make judgements on things that don't matter in the long run (and are none of their business)---like for instance, what color the baby's room should be painted, what the baby's name should be, what church to christen the baby in, etc.
MILs need to know their places, period.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
Oh, I would have brought it up to my husband if she had caused me a lot of trouble.
I think it's hard to have a backbone when you're only 20 something. Mothers in law probably know that and take advantage sometimes!
And I think it's hard for the men to go up against their strong-willed mothers.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
It's VERY difficult for men to go up against their strong-willed mothers, for sure!
But men who marry strong-willed women NEED to do just that! Or their wives will if they don't.
My backbone was well-developed by the time I was in my mid-20s. I'd already gone through quite a bit by then and I was not willing to kow-tow to anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I always showed respect. That's how I was raised. I was also raised to not disrespect anyone in his/her home.
So, therefore I was taught that no one had the right to disrespect me in my own home. My only regret is that I did not exercise my rights sooner.
And if I can offer a word of advice to young people reading this, do not borrow from parents or in-laws if the loan will be held over your head. And if you borrow from family, make it a legit loan, with interest and a contract signed by both parties.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
True on that one... make it a legit loan. Then no one can complain.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
I have, for 20 years, told my hubby to confront them both- well- I asked him to, pleaded and yelled. Looking back I got worse over the years with my anger and inability to deal with much and I now blame lyme& co for all that!
All the while I would tell him that if he didn't talk to them I would be forced to and that might not turn out so good.
he usually said something in his tip-toey way and it wsa enough to make it all work for the most part.
After I got REALLY sick last summer and diagnosed, during a very low point in one particular day I couldn't take it any more with my MIL when she was being totaly relentless, pelting me with verbal rocks.....
I lost it and hung up on her for the first time in my life. yelled at her and o boy. it was not good. my husband never chastised me. He knew it was my breaking point, especially because he saw me so ill and weak . He then had a major talk with them and they conceded to the fact that I was not in the wrong.
we are all pleasant now, but I am very reserved with all the inlaws. they are just too gossipy and instagatory. is that a word? haha
I agree- don't push it with things that willl cause a spouse pain, etc , but with years of persuading one day may be the right time to say a bit more.
the small stuff I learned to use wit early. Like when MIL would (always) comment how dirty my oven was during parties in front of everyone..... "oh! are you volunteering to clean it?" I said once with laughter. she never said it again.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
my first marriage ended because my husband was a mommy's boy. I swear she could have killed me and he would have said I caused it.
there comes a point when it's either you or them and the husband has to make a stand. he choose them. it didnt work out.
luckily I guess this husband cannot tolerate his mother and stays away from her but still he wont defend me. to him its no big deal.
but embarrassing me in front of others is. there is no excuse for not defending your wife.
so I stay away from her and now his sisters as well.
they prefer the more subtle sly insults which is worse cause then it's the ole "oh you must have misunderstood"....
I hate that phrase. especially when you know damn well you didn't.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
I am sure my MIL thought of all these digs as helping. SHe used to speak the same way to her own daughters, giving "advice'
they got way more than I did but they grew up with that. I did not. I think they all learned to love it as motherly advice as with his sisters, or to block everything out, what is what my husband learned for sure- only boy with three older sisters in an Italian family!
Posted by linky123 (Member # 19974) on :
Many times, 'helping' is just manipulation and control, esp where MILs are concerned.
I know my MIL tries to disguise hers that way.
Sorry, but no thanks, don't need anymore 'help' from you.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
So agree..."helping" is not helping at all. It's just another way to insult and be passive/aggressive.
My MIL was known for "helping" --- as in...
"you know, if you cut up those potatoes into cubes, they'd cook faster." Um, yes I know that because I was cooking 10 years before I even knew you. How about you just have a seat and be quiet. Or if you really want to help, have a seat and start peeling and cutting.
"enjoying watching how you 'city girls' prepare salads" Really? Effing really? Do you even know a thing about healthy eating? Apparently you don't. But hey, pull up a chair and start cutting the damn lettuce.
"I thought you'd pick eyelet" --that was her response when I called her all excited describing the furniture and bedding we picked for our firstborn. Really? How can any MIL be disappointed to receive a happy call from her DIL? Mine was.
"Here's what I made for (insert occasion)" Gaudy, gaudy, gaudy. She never consulted me or asked my opinion on anything she made for one of MY parties. She just assumed I would display whatever she made. When I didn't display her gaudy candles at DD's communion (by then I had had it), you'd have thought WW3 broke out.
She's been gone for over 10 years. In looking back, I derive great satisfaction that I always did the "right thing" by her eventhough it's clear from a diary she left behind that she didn't think so.
It's also abundantly clear that she had little to no respect for me or how I chose to raise my children and run my household.
I find it ironic that both my MIL and my mother did not have MILs in their lives. Yet they both had an awful lot to say about how I did things.
Thank goodness I was born with an independent spirit. No mother or MIL could ever break me. I always followed my own instincts when it came to my kids and my marriage, despite the interference.
MILs need to back down, back off, stay out of things. I say that as a mother of older kids and a future MIL myself.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
I sure hope I can keep my mouth shut when it comes to that time for me!!! (when I am a MIL)
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
and they say the females are the weaker sex...ha
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
I adore my two sons and I am terrified for them to find their true love cause I don't want to be like my ex MIL was.
Hoping and praying that my DIL's will be good Christian wives and that I will remember what it feels like to be a DIL and I will speak with kindness.
Or just keep my mouth shut!
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Randi lol I think we all know by now that females are far from being the weaker sex
I don't think we future MILs need to keep our mouths shut. I think we need to remember the lessons we learned about being DILs and not make the same mistakes our MILs did.
There is a time and place for certain comments. There is an appropriate manner in which to express opinions/concerns.
And there is the issue of knowing what is your business and what isn't.
IMO if you want to be a good MIL, offer to pitch in at a party, ask what is needed and offer to do same, learn to be happy and content with the relationship (as long as it isn't abusive or negative, etc.), accept and love the DIL/SIL without any strings attached.
Don't judge, don't criticize. Ask if you can offer advice or an opinion. And if you can, preface it by saying that it's just your opinion and you don't expect DIL/SIL to follow it just because it's yours.
I will say that mothers of boys can be pretty brutal towards future DILs - to extremes and completely unnecessary. I've seen it in my own family and amongst my friends.
One observation I've noted is that when a mother has a "weak" daughter of her own, she is less likely to accept a strong-willed DIL and will engage in behavior that is less than desirable.
Another observation I've noted is that when a boy is an only child, if the DIL doesn't live up to the fairytale movie playing in the MIL's head, there will be trouble in paradise.
And another observation I've noted is that when a mother of boys has narcissistic tendencies, she will make "their" wedding all about her.
I have daughters so I don't have to worry about being a MIL to a DIL. But someday they will have MILs.
I just hope I've imparted a good amount of my wisdom into my daughters. I hope they will have great relationships with their future MILs. If not, I hope I've taught them enough about "boundaries" and what's acceptable and what isn't.
dogsandcats, you know what your ex MIL was like so you certainly will not repeat those mistakes.
As for the sons finding "good Christian wives" I wish you luck. I just pray that my daughters will find good, moral men of character.
Of course, being a Christian myself, I'd prefer that my girls marry in their faith. But honestly I've seen firsthand many successful Jewish/Catholic marriages.
Usually, the kids are raised Catholic (mother's religion) but the kids also get to celebrate all the Jewish holidays.
I think that's awesome. Jesus was Jewish! I always wondered why Christians didn't celebrate all the Jewish holidays. (but that's a post for another day LOL).
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