As a lot of you know, h's family has been unbelievable to deal with.
Last night I received an email from mother in law that reads "the feud between you and sister in law is bleeding the whole family, when do you have time to talk?"
Seriously...I will not be ambushed by MIL.
Any thoughts on how to proceed?
This is beyond ridiculous.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It might be an olive branch. Or not. Best to keep others out of it and clear this up between your SIL and yourself -- even if you agree to avoid each other, that needs to be talked out and "rules" set so you are both clear on where you stand with family events, etc.
A "truce" at least is in order. But it can be impossible to do that without professional help.
You might select a family therapist central to both you and your SIL and suggest that a couple sessions with someone trained in various communication styles could help the two of you better understand what's going on and how to set the sails right -
- or, with a good hearted humor -- at least suggest if you are not going talk forever, some kind of system has to be worked out for the calm of others. And you need a communications expert to help.
[Although they do get hit with the backsplash and that is unfair for all] Don't involve others, just the two of you, if that is deal.
I'd not approach it without professional guidance, though. Relationships are rocky enough to begin with and no one teaches us how to navigate. Get professional advice. Go first alone to see how this might be accommodated.
Focus on the "communications" style differences, etc. That is what a counselor works with mostly, anyway and it will likely be money and time well spent (even aside from this particular matter). Skill will be learned that will help in so many other ways. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- One thing of value in therapy sessions of my past was learning about the energy, tone, mood, attitude and how that came out in my VOICE tone.
I learned how to get grounded - figure out the real message I wanted to say - so that my voice wouldn't go all alien on me.
I just stumbled upon this at NPR and it is relevant to ALL relationships. If voice elements are not well received in the first place by the receiver's ears, that can sink our ship.
For a start, just to have a peek at how voice can change others' perceptions:
The book: I'M OKAY; YOU'RE OKAY is also instrumental to understand the basic dynamic relationships. For any kind of relationship, really.
Not just for guidance on how to stay grounded in your "adult" mode but also how to recognize when others may be in their mode to manipulate & control and then what you can do to bring that back to balance.
And, for stress reduction and to help with balance all the hours of the day, learning Qi Gong may be direct benefit. It's amazing how that works and I just can't explain it but it really helps with centering in all kinds of situations. -
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I don't know. I just finally gave up on all contact with his family.
y'all do know that his ex and spouse are invited to everything. then they all hug and kiss and tell her she'll always be the daughter...blah blah blah...
so I said hell with it and said no more. this christmas if I go to ohio im putting my foot down. . no parties..
it's better for me. you have to do what's right for you and your family.
Posted by momindeep (Member # 7618) on :
It sounds like you are put off by MIL's e-mail...so if that is the case, you have your answer right there.
People are going to think, what people are gonna think and there ain't no changing that...but you don't need to engage...
Someone laying a guilt trip on you bout "bleeding the whole family" just is not your problem, sheesh.
Take some time to really calm down...really calm down...you don't want to knee jerk when your emotions are running high.
Take care of you.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- In fairness, the MIL did not say YOU are bleeding the family but "the feud between you and sister in law" is. That does not lay blame on either.
If this "feud" is causing disruption in her family, it's fair that she get to voice that. Don't read into it but also just don't give her cause for any more involvement.
It is best to solve this without other family members involved - just you and SIL - and a professional to help sort it out. Does seem time to step up to the plate, somehow, in the best style possible. Figure out the steps for getting through - and enjoying - the upcoming holidays.
There is a wonderful advantage for the two of you going to a counselor (a communications expert, so to speak) to solve this dispute. It's neutral.
The guided process will systematically assess the situation, cutting to the chase - - and the remedies / course of action and conduct from here will be agreed upon by both of you. That sets the stage for the best outcome. No winners, no losers . . . working it out together.
Or just divorce yourself from the in-laws and work all this out with your husband as to how this affects his life / relationship with his family.
I've been through something similar (for very different reasons) and there are various ways this could work.
If that's the way you want to go, I'm sure a family therapist has seen / and facilitated many unique ways to soothe family feuds even if by a particular separation of parties and they would have ideas about the "rules" to make that work, too.
Best to hear from someone who had experience with this sort of thing to save you time and turmoil. -
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Great advice everyone...thanks!
This really doesn't involve anyone except for SIL and I.
If she truly wants to "work it out" then she needs to make the effort otherwise I'll avoid her.
The one I feel bad for is my h.
I personally do not have the time or energy for this woman.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Well, as far as you are concerned, don't involve your husband in this. It's a matter separate from the two of you. Don't make it any part of your conversations, and "ground" yourself if you are "feeling" anything about that before you even walk into a room with him in it. Don't carry the vibes, either.
It's nothing to do with him. Keep it that way for him.
Reassure him that he can tell his sister that he does not want to be involved in the "matters" between the two of you and that if she (or anyone one else) brings that up, he requests an immediate change of subject. Period. Move on.
It can get messy, of course, as a couple you do share various matters of upset and talk things out . . .
but this is like a divorce in the family and as mom & dad would just never talk bad about the other parent in front of kids -- or involve them in any discourse that is really not of their concern -- the same sort of arrangement may need to be put into effect for the discourse with SIL.
The various family "units" here do have some influence and get in the way of your "sharing" this with your husband if it's airing your frustrations with his own sister.
However, a family therapist with whom you could discuss this likely will have many better suggestions for resolution. -
[ 10-28-2014, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
Disagree. It's HIS sister and he should be the one running interference between his sister and his wife and/or MIL. He needs to step it up and make clear what the boundaries are and where not to go (for example being rude to his wife's daughter).
As for the email, IMO it's passive/aggressive to me. If she is that concerned, MIL's first action should have been to confront her own daughter. If it were me, I think I'd fwd the email to SIL with the subject being FYI and leave it at that.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- I think the suggestion to not involve her husband was because she said she did not want this to affect or involve him.
Good point, though, that he can be the one to put boundaries and stop the family squabbling, in one way. But talking sides is going to be a problem as he's not directly "related" to the problem as it began -- but deeply related to all the people around.
Actually, editing this in later: "squabbling" or any other word like that is rather asking for a push back. But "misunderstanding" may not be the right word, either. It's very tricky.
There are no "sides" that are going to work here, anyway, other than to just not allow for chatter about it to continue to put down anyone.
To have someone else intervene can also diminish the chance for relationship building and repair.
Either one being told (by any family member) to just stop the fighting won't resolve the issue. Communication building may be the best tool - with a neutral 3rd party counselor.
Even if going alone, there are so many skills that may be learned as to how to circumvent issues and stop any future attempts to raise problems right in their tracks.
When they say this, you say that sort of thing. Knowing how to identify the triggers and then figuring out the best response is very hard. Role playing helps us practice. -
[ 10-28-2014, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
When you marry, your first loyalty is to your spouse. When your family member being rude to your spouse, it's your responsibility to deal with it.
As for the therapy thing, I personally wouldn't expend the time, money or effort. That's just me.
It's more effective to just leave things along and cease contact for awhile. Many times people come to their senses after a period of no communication.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
< ex and spouse are invited to everything. then they all hug and kiss and tell her she'll always be the daughter...blah blah blah...>
Randibear! so sorry you go through that!!!
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
It sounds to me like your MIL is telling you that she AND other people in yourfamily are suffering becasue of the conflict between you and SIL.
if that is truly the case she must have feelings for you and it sounds like the family wants healing.
maybe NOT SIL, but that is another thing.
my advice would be to tell the other family members that it does not involve them adn that your relationship with them will not be affected in the future.
then stick to that.
if your MIL didn't care about you she would call you a B**CH and write you out of her life.
I agree with whomever said above: communication and the way we do it is different for everyone.
or something like that I think was said.
just becasue you may think they all hate or or whatever doesn't mean they really do. unless they say it to you.
and if what they do in actions bothers you, you need to tell them WHEN it happens so they can clarify their gesture.
too many feuds are started in the world because of misunderstood words or actions.
all it takes is, "hey, I am not sure what you meant by that, can you please explain why you said/did that"
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Thanks for all the advice. Beaches I tend to agree with you.
I plan to avoid avoid avoid.
If SIL really wanted to mend the fences it certainly would've happened by now.
Randibear that is ridiculous about your h's ex. HIs family is very dysfunctional.
Sorry you have to deal with them.
At one point my h spoke to his mom and sister about the situation.
His sister said she wanted to know how to make things better (yeah right).
MIL stood by SIL 100% so I don't trust the MIL. MIL kept defending her daughters actions.
To give you more back round about MIL, we bought there business a few years back.
MIL wrote 2 separate checks out of our account when she was still a signer on the account.
The inlaws own the building that our business is in. MIL took it upon herself to write these checks when my h and I weren't there.
H is there 60 hours a week so I find it hard to believe she couldn't find a time to pick up her check when we were there.
We also had a secretary that was hired by MIL.
She did a horrible job also acting rude and disrespectful to h and I.
I told MIL about it and 3 days later she wrote a letter of recommendation for this secretary.
Our old secretary had 320 personal files on our work computer including tax returns for her, family members, her resume, cover letters to potential employers and her divorce decree.
Of course we fired her however, MIL seemed to take this secretaries side.
Why I'm telling you all of this is I don't trust MIL. I also do not like her because of this.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Way. More. Complicated. The series "Dallas" comes to mind with the mixing of family business and family matters, oh, my! [Although the particulars vary, the issues of murky boundaries and courtesy / respect still very much at hand.]
Learn from Sue Ellen.
Seriously, drama & story telling has existed for all of time (I think) to teach us, in part - and to help us identify emotion / issues -- and air our thoughts / feeling.
Find those characters of strength with whom you can relate. Meryl Streep's role are often in that vein. What would Meryl do with this "role"? Start walking and talking like a good strong character and watch those around you change their behavior toward you.
This could be fun, actually but I'm serious.
Sissy Spacek, too, has had tremendously strong adult roles. Carol Burnett's dramatic roles. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Sally Field in "Norma Rae"
Angela Bassett comes to mind, too. There are so many good scripts and good characters. -
[ 10-30-2014, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
oh great...I get monster-in-law....lol
Posted by Dogsandcats (Member # 28544) on :
In dealing with my family issues, I could usually tell really fast
who wanted to talk and heal and who wanted to talk and throw verbal darts.
I found out after many trials and my peace is away from them.
Do what you can, the very best you can- then let it go without talking about it with people who only want the scoop.
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
keebler, I don't rememeber..... what did SUE ELLEN do????
___
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Her character's progression can't really be summed up. Basically, though, she learned how to discern truth, cut to the chase and stand up for herself while still being fair to those with good hearts but not letting those who did not pull her down.
It was the lack of proper boundaries / separation between business and family - the conglomeration gone wrong - in the "Dallas" household that came to mind.
Some might have thought the sex was a big part of the plot but it was really so much about manipulation and power. Themes that exist throughout time, across all levels. Sue Ellen learned how to identify what really mattered and look through the smoke and mirrors.
I think she got so tired of all the gossip and manipulation that she just said, "no more" of that and took to operating on a different level, above the muck.
I think she must have read the book "I'm Okay; You're Okay" -- seriously. -
Posted by OptiMisTick (Member # 399) on :
[ 11-02-2014, 06:38 AM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
Posted by GretaM (Member # 40917) on :
One of my favorite expressions is, "I don't dance to that tune."
We aren't on this planet to dance like puppets on a string...
A mother will always have closest ties with her daughter.
A daughter in law will never be "adequate" enough for a mothers son.
These are laws of nature.
You can't win no matter what you do. So keep your neck off the block...
I'm sorry but I learned the hard way.
Now I am so content with the people in my life, because I let the others go away.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
so true greta. I've been married 30 years and h is family still has not accepted me. still makes snotty remarks, doesn't include me, makes me feel very uncomfortable. he's not going to defend me and never has.
my first solution would be to never marry a guy like this with a family like this or if you're in it like me, stay the hell away from them at all cost.
im not a psychologist and trying to do those those things never worked for me.
so better to shut up and stay away. some day you may have to give him the ultimate decision or make it yourself. either way it won't be easy.
but it will never stop, I can assure you. confronting them only makes them worse.
Posted by beaches (Member # 38251) on :
True Greta! Tickalert, can you untangle yourselves from the business bond you have with the in laws? Any way to buy that building from them and shut them out of your business (personal and professional)?
You can see from my posts here that I do not have tolerance for inappropriate treatment from in laws. And that goes both ways! When my mother's treatment of my spouse crossed the line, I let her know it!
If your husband won't do it, I think you have to be up front and state what you consider to be unacceptable behavior from your in laws. Tell it to them all straight up. They will then know where you stand and the ball will be in their court.
If they chose to continue to behave the same way, you know you'll just have to keep your distance. However, if they change how they interact with you and your daughter, the relationships might be salvageable.
Good luck!
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
Like I said before- I have been married 22 years and my husband has FINALLY realized and told his parents that THEY are wrong and I was right.
So, it DOES happen ...... at least sometimes.
it took a lot to get there and it doesn't mean he will not "suggest" if we could possible be with certain relatives on the holidays or birthdays (when mixed with other relatives we like).
but for now I have told him those few people are to be stayed away from at all costs. and he has not disagreed as of yet.
too bad he has lyme and will probably forget and ask again in the future! ha. then I will have to explain all over again- as is often the case with his tick brain.
for me, I have written those people- my SIL and her freak daughter and husband- out of my active life.
I agree with Beaches to tell them straight up. otherwise it's just a blame game. not that it stil wont' be from their corner of the ring,
but it will certainly change things and probably for the better for you.
Posted by tickalert (Member # 7033) on :
Thank you everyone for the great advice.
At this point in time, I don't have to see husbands family until Christmas Eve if I go.
In regards to SIL, I've not heard one word from her which is not surprising.
She is extremely narcissistic so I'm not all that shocked since I think she acts this way to a lot of people.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- If she is truly narcissistic, IMO, it is very important to better understand that so you can develop a communication strategy.
Even if she is not a true narcissist and "only" more ego centric, learning such detail can be valuable in all kinds of relationships to keep the focus and balance in check.
Recently a book about this came across my screen. I'll see if I can find that. It looked pretty practical. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Keep in mind - if you are not so inclined to learn more for your SIL & your relationship, that is understandable. But in doing so, it can save your mental health and that of other family members. This is about how you keep your balance.
In some ways, if she does fall on the narcissist "spectrum" that makes this all easier in some ways (clear boundaries are vital for your behavior / words) . . . but it would be harder in other ways (if you swerve outside of the "rules" and try to change her ways or expect her to do so if truly unable).
Many good hits & that book at Amazon with a similar title. Find the professional sites, though, not from the peanut gallery (some there may be fine and right on but some may not be, either).
Google via their advanced search: "how to communicate with a narcissist" -
Posted by steve1906 (Member # 16206) on :