my husband attended his 50th high school reunion this past september. I attended several but stopped due to people continually asking about his wfe anf they were so sorry they split. I said that's it no more. so he's been to several alone.
apparently they tease him about his phantom wife and say he's not married.
so in the last week he has had several women texting him on Facebook wanting h im to contact them and see how his family are doing.
I feel strange about this. I mean he is married. yes I'm insecure but I would never contact some man I went to high school with.
is this common nowadays?
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- I've often contacted male friends from high school & also college . . . but also women from both.
And I've been contacted by both women & men from both HS and college over the years. This has been very nice and once in a while, someone will make an effort to connect if they happen to be in my city. When this has happened, they've brought their spouse and it's been very nice to connect and also include the spouse.
I don't see anything amiss and most are just likely friendly connects of well-wishing or recalling fun times when life was just different -- and these probably won't go beyond a couple notes.
If anyone projects any other "vibes" that's pretty easy to read and the reply can be phrased so as to include you and your "together experiences" over the years or planned for upcoming - as long as there is no real detail that could trace the dates of your whereabouts.
I think it's likely very innocent and also rather healthy to remind us of who we were when and maybe reconnect with our better selves, in a way. -
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
well when they suggest getting I get a little suspicious.
have contacted married men? I just couldn't do it.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- A word is missing from a key sentence there. If you are saying if they suggest getting together, that's his clue to include you in the conversation / invitation -- & / or other old friends so it's a group thing -- or to decline politely, again, mentioning the "we" (of you and himself) in his plans so they are clear.
Yes, probably most my friends from those days are married. No big deal to me, to them or to their spouses. No reason to cut the ties from the past and just offer a glimpse of the roads we've traveled. Again, it's all about one's intention & also including the spouse. People are people and we all need people.
I used to be reporter & teacher and had contacts with so many different kinds of people in all kinds of occupations. It's really nice to connect with a few from long ago and find out about their lives, careers, families.
But I've probably not done as much as I might have had I not been ill and homebound for so long. That's not something I can easily explain.
If someone is being inappropriate, there are certainly things he can say to be sure to politely and kindly be sure they have a clear picture of where he stands.
If someone might be fishing, it could also be very innocent and as soon as they know he's married, they will likely self-correct and wish him well in whatever endeavors have been in the conversation. -
[ 12-28-2015, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It just occurred to me that comfort connecting with non-romantic friends of opposite sex might have something to do with various siblings, lots of kids in neighborhood all running around in each other's homes, summer camps, student government retreats, college co-ed dorms where everyone was just a buddy to everyone else for the most part, regardless of gender.
Not everyone has that background or had "buddies" that were just that. Not everyone is out of some made for TV movie with ulterior motives. Some are just friendly for the sake of being friendly, of being part of a larger connection. -
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- You say about reunions that you "stopped due to people continually asking about his wfe anf they were so sorry they split"
well, would not your presence there be proof to quiet that rumor? All that would creep me out a bit and that he would not be stopping the rumor. But some people kid in some strange ways. -
Posted by poppy (Member # 5355) on :
This business about having any sort of relationship with the opposite sex other than romantic.....that it should not happen, this is very antiquated. Although there still seem to be a lot of people who can't imagine it. And women always seem to be suspected of husband hunting, even when they are not remotely interested in this.
This is the same kind of thinking that has women in the middle east wearing black bags everywhere.
Why not assume it is innocent? And if it is one of those pushy husband hunters, producing a wife ought to be enough to discourage it.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I disagree. when a woman contacts a man. known to be married and he doesnt remember her from adam, and says let's get together, I don't think it's appropriate.
I have met many of these people separately so, yep, they know me.
my bil went to his class reunion and this woman got all excited. my sister did not. this woman started this email thing, then she got their telephone, and THEN she found their address and started driving by.
my sister went ballistic. he said he didn't want to hurt her feelings and there was nothing to it.he really is very sweet.
but when she started driving by, he told her to stop. my sister was actually afraid. she kept on emailing but eventually did stop.
I'm odd man out i guess.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It is appropriate to ask someone to coffee, to lunch for a chat.
She may not have any ill intentions other than just connecting to humanity. She may have ill intentions or somewhere in between, but it's really rough to judge with just an invitation to chat.
Sometimes, when people go through some health issues - say a stroke - they feel more comfortable regaining social skills with someone they new long ago - feel less judging, more to talk about, etc.
She may have something like that going on - even if not obvious. I have when I'd call a few old friends to try to talk again (some women, some men, some married). Please just need to talk.
But, as he does not recall her, seems like he'll just close that down.
RE: BIL issue . . . The behavior of that person is not normal and reaching into stalking.
However, there are millions of perfectly healthy cross-gender friendships in the world - and they have nothing to do with romance or sex.
The richness and color of those are not close to the category of that person you describe. Different totally. -
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
sorry I ain't budging. if he says I don't know this person or even remember them at all, then it's inappropriate.
not responding is the course to take or jus saying no.
a guy contacted me from my hs class and I told him yes I remember you but I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with you.
I'm an antique. lovable but antiquated.
Posted by poppy (Member # 5355) on :
Seems to me you are making rules for everyone that only resulted from experiences with two people. Antique is not what is going on with you, sweetpea. It is making a rule for everyone that doesn't apply to very many of them. See the difference?
Posted by momindeep (Member # 7618) on :
Personally, I would never do or take part in anything that would make my spouse feel uneasy or less than...his feelings and outlook matter way more to me than anyone else and that is the way it should be between a husband and a wife.
I am with Randi on this one...it doesn't matter a plug nickel what her intentions may or may not be...what matters is keeping my relationship intact with my husband and him with me, period.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
nope poppy I don't. I'm jus saying I don't seek out men and I dont want him to.
the people that know me are his friends. I've met them and like them.
I realize times are changing. and I asked him how he would feel if I contacted men asking for lunch and dinner get togethers.
his response is not repeatable. luckily he said he would make it clear unlike my poor bil. bil was truly clueless.
ok I'm paranoid but nowadays you can never be too cautious.
Posted by poppy (Member # 5355) on :
I give up. Your situation is yours. Deal with it however it makes sense.
However, friendships between the opposite sexes ought to be possible without a suspicion that something more is implied. A world where this is not possible is not a very pleasant place.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- It's one thing to have open eyes and be clear. And, of course mutual respect for each other within a marriage is vital. Absolutely.
Some couples want to be just to themselves or with other couples as a group for their friendship circle.
We all have different comfort levels of who is in which of our friendship circles.
Yet, it's another if we are too cautious and that seeps into judgment & assumptions, thinking the worst of others in the world who have a variety of friendships.
If there is someone who has been conniving that we may have encountered in our time, it causes us harm to think that all people are like that. Such assumption can make our world awfully small - and that would be awful.
But, truly, real friendships would, by sheer definition of friendship, never - ever - disrespect any marriage - or the boundaries of comfort for anyone.
It's not about the times, and it's not about sex, either. It's about the heart of friendship in the wider circles and how each person / couple designs that within their lives for their comfort -- but others just might have various - & continually varying - configurations of their friendship circles. -
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I realize all this but its jus the way we are. in fact most of our friends are like this.
he did tell me if anything happened to him there are four close friends of his I'm to go to for help.
my good friends, are worse than I am, especially one.
come to think of it, none of my sisters have male friends and I know none of his family does.
his friends, all male, are interested in guns, airplanes,hunting and fishing. not a lot of room for female companionship there.
didn't honestly realize I was strange...lol
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- You've created your circle as you like it. Nothing wrong with that, as well as nothing wrong with others who just happen to have wider friendship circles. -
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
"so in the last week he has had several women texting him on Facebook wanting h im to contact them..."
I know little to nothing about Facebook, but is it normal to check out another person's messages?
Is hubby ok with that?
If so, can you respond to the women yourself (with hubby's permission), nicely of course, and tell them you and hubby could meet at some point in the future with them?
Might help define their intentions and let them, including hubby, not think you are paranoid or anti-social (for lack of a better word).
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
his facebook page is password protected and I dont have it. we get an email saying this person wants to contact you. he then goes in to facebook and reads me the message.
the one he said he didn't know, he did not respond to. the other said she was his sister's friend. he replied telling her where his sister was, contacted sister and told her this woman was looking for her. she was surprised.
he doesn't know why they are contacting him. both are unmarried.
Posted by poppy (Member # 5355) on :
Hmmmm, this sounds like a Dear Abby question.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
yes it does. but it's something different and always nice to hear your opinions on nonlyme stuff.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- you say about the second of two inquiries:
"other said she was his sister's friend. he replied telling her where his sister was, contacted sister and told her this woman was looking for her. she was surprised.
he doesn't know why they are contacting him. both are unmarried." (end quote)
You wonder why . . . and you have asked if, now in the 21st century, what is normal. Is it proper for an unmarried woman to make contact with anyone but other unmarried women?
Well, someone asking how to contact someone's sister is normal. It matter not the gender of either party nor their marital status. Really, though, I do think you can believe that the second woman simply wanted what she asked for: his sister's address.
Or, if she just used that an entrez, it's still certainly not clear she has improper thoughts.
It's also best to not assume the first woman has designs on your husband. It's okay to just not know why, exactly. She could have had many reasons. You don't need to be embroidering a scarlet "A" for her.
Those on Facebook may be perceived as being there to be open to connect - for all good reasons. So, it seems more likely someone would think Facebook sort of like an open door to community.
Back to asking to locate old friends through their siblings - I've done this a couple times and others have asked several of my brothers how to contact me. It's been very nice - and yes, I was surprised, too. Not that anyone will be my new BFF but it's been good to touch base with some.
As he's on Facebook, his name is likely to float around within that as they sure likely to have people nearly come out of the woodwork and at times, will actually flag all in a same class reunion group - at various times of the year - so there may not be a puzzle to why two women at the same time contacted him.
Perhaps because of bullying, misunderstandings gone amok in my life and so much misunderstanding in the world today, I tend to want to stand up for those who may be misunderstood, even if I don't even know them.
Your comfort zone is set and you are, well, comfortable with that. Others really are not all acting out of some immoral pursuit. We may not know why anyone ever reaches out to anyone but it is not always about sex.
It would be nice to see this new year become a year where we not only have more people reaching out in the world to those not so much like them but also have hands to reach across with a warm welcome.
You do not have to reach out to anyone out of your comfort zone - or out of your "energy" zone, etc. Yet, I hope it is not my hope alone that we will see less assumption and the world and more questions, genuine inquiries into the hearts, minds, souls and wonder of others - in our own back yards and across continents.
Yet, with that said, as a certain age we have come to know ourselves and, with such health issues, our energy allotment so we do sometimes have to just keep our friendship circle tighter, closer. One true good friend is better than a dozen acquaintances.
Back to what in now "normal" in the world? As long as respect is the base for how to proceed, it should all work out in most situations. With respect, assumptions can fall away and our own an other's intentions become clearer -- and sometimes a good surprise.
Sometimes, just a friendly nod is all anyone asks. Just a nice smile and a few well wishes on their way.
As I've been listening to very unique version of "Auld Lang Syne" I've likely gone on . . . and on. -
[ 12-29-2015, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
Mairi Campbell - Auld Lang Syne @Scots Trad Music Awards
4:21 video -
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
Nice song Keebler.
Randibear... Thanks for explaining. Wish I had words of wisdom that would help, but I've been on the wicked end (receiving end) of contacting men for a legit purpose and getting blasted for doing so because the wife either didn't know the reason, or didn't wait for one.
Example- Hello, this is xxxx. Is Steve there?"
"WHY ARE YOU CONTACTING MY HUSBAND?"
"I was asked to give him a message from Bruce that ..." (interupted)
"WHAT DOES BRUCE HAVE TO DO WITH YOU?"
"Mam, he doesn't have anything to do with me, he just asked me to call to let Steve know the two geese he wanted for Thanksgiving dinner are back from the pickers and he can pick them up anytime he is ready. They are in the refrigerator in the work shop with his name on them. No charge."
BTW- This women and others like her only get nastier and meaner as years pass. Some are "famous" for their bad behavior in the community. I only know them to be miserable and crabby when anyone approaches their husbands for any reason, but I would think it reflects on their family life too.
I am NOT saying you are like this, but saying what can happen. I worked, lived and spent my free time with men. Lots of men, lots of places. At least 95% (minimum) of the time I worked with men.
I've even been denied membership to a volunteer organization (firefighter) because some of the men knew their wives would freak out if a woman was also working on the job. (I respected that and gladly walked away- straight to another station where the "wives" weren't so freaky.)
I find that behavior sad. Very sad. For the husband, wife and all of those who must have contact with them.
My hope is that eventually more women can innocently contact men without fear of disrupting a family, or being blasted off the planet. That would be a better world, in my opinion.
But you do have to watch out for the floozies too.
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
oh my I could never do that.
I remember this one wife, her husband is a pain, a real chauvinist, anyway her car broke down near downtown fort worth on the freeway at night. she called and asked for hubs and I jus said hey nan wants to talk to you. afterwards he gets up, gets dressed, and I asked what are you doing at this hour? he said I have to help nan, she's stranded on 35. I said where's her stupid husband and why is she calling you? he said she's afraid to call him. I jus rolled over and said well you both better be careful this hour in this traffic.
she's called him for various things. I don't mind. she's kind of sad really.
and ann, bless her heart I miss her, said we were going to switch husbands on a cruise. mine wanted to do all adventure stuff and hers wanted to tour and shop. we had it all planned but sadly she died.
I have no problem with professional women. none. heck I worked with alot of men and had no problems. husband went to lunch with women all the time and travelled with them. actually I prefer to work with men.
but there was jus something about the wording that set me off. and knowing about my bil I thought ummmm. his sister knew the one but did not know the other one.
it was jus strange. so far no word back
Posted by Tincup (Member # 5829) on :
"but there was jus something about the wording that set me off"
Then keep an eye on it- follow your gut- or your heart.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- You might go to his Facebook page and see if she has posted there, other than the private email to him through Facebook.
If so, to see her speech / writing style & the way she uses her words in posts may be of help. Just don't read into anything but see if she might have written - or posted some kind of links or photo as many do.
Also look at his page as those who come to it might to see if there are things he posted that might be misinterpreted through others' eyes, perhaps. -
Posted by healthywealthywise (Member # 8595) on :
Hell to the no, that's my opinion. Good that your dh told you about it and sounds like he's looking to you for help/suggestions.
I know what my dh would do. Thank them for the contact but his wife doesn't approve of him seeing other women, even in a social situation! He would say it like a joke but he would make sure to emphasize the "WIFE" part.
If one of them doesn't "get it" and continues to contact, he would say, why don't you check w/my wife...to get her opinion.
Voila! Now they know you exist and he's not available. No muss, no fuss. :-)
Oh, and if I asked my dh for his password and he didn't provide it, I'd get really interested in why. Nothing to hide means nothing to hide. :-)
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- As his Facebook page is public (how else do others - said to be strangers - go there and then post those messages if it's not public?) so you should not need a password - or invitation - just to go there. Seemingly, others did not.
There may be an email or PM feature that is separate from the PMs that go to your joint email though. -
Posted by LisaK (Member # 41384) on :
I have been working on my HS reunion for the last few of them, and this one coming up is the most flirty so far. there are more men involved this year in the planning and they are VERY flirty. like almost creepy!!!! yeah, and they ALL know I am married as well as all the other women they are flirting with.
I think it is MID LIFE CRISIS if you ask me.
and it makes me uncomfortable as well as repulsed. To be honest, I am a flirt, but I would never go to the length these people go to. I blame today's world. there is no governer on anyone any more. everyone talks about when they poop, have sex, and what their vomit looks like.... it's all just too familiar with me and I am not "old" or old fashioined by any means.
BUT , I am more prudish then the relative group of people my own age. and the kids today are WORSE! get ready.... things are aobut to get a lot more interesting!
so, my opion is that some healthy flirting may be ok if you arent' sinning in your mind or cause the other person to sin, but I kow how hard that can be.... and I think that no, I don't think it is appropriate for people to reconnect on the phone years after they knew each other unless they have stayed in touch and been good friends all along the years.
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