I recently lost a family member (we were not close), and would love to go to the service to pay my respects but am concerned about crashing with fatigue (stress/sadness and lyme and company). Then there's restrictive diet and EMFs (sigh). I went to one a few years back (pre lyme treatment) and it took so much out of me. Has anyone else done this, any recommendations?
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Only you can determine this for yourself. It may take some quiet time to really check in with yourself and then sleep on the matter.
Unless there are others who will be at the service and whom you could also have time to have some quality time with, you may do well to pay your respects in other ways - or arrange to meet up with other loved ones after a little time has passed so that the dear lost one can be reflected upon in a more balanced memory event.
Sounds like your body has already registered with you to be asking yourself about the considerations.
If you stay home, you might ask if a short phone conversation with key family / friends might be arranged right after the service.
I was unable to attend my father's funeral and that helped me, talking with each person afterward by phone.
Unless your going would greatly enhance your relationships with other family / friends there, it just seems that your heart would be better served to create your own way to honor their memory in a ways that also honors not just your physical comfort but also the safety of your future health / healing. -
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Thanks Keebler.
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Main thing to keep in mind is not whether you want to go or not for that's already been answered. You do.
This is about whether your body's cells, organs and systems have the oomph to take you there, hold you up in all ways and return rejuvenated (or soothed) in spirit, in some degree. -
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
My condolences on your loss.
Key for me would be "how far away is it?" Is it local?
If local, I would be able to do it.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
I posted awhile ago i would not be able to
The last one i went to was the mother of my daughters best friend who died a few yrs begire her mom
I felt strongly i needed to go for my daughter. But even tho i had help i was a distraction. The wc a problem. Its just something i cant do
I can arrange to send foo0pd or flowers or card and talk to loved ones later. But i cant go anymore
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Thank you Keebler, Lymetoo and lpkayak.
It is a very long plane trip away. The EMFS alone are quite hard for me. Huge actually. My head hurts so bad when I travel.
The stress of making my on food for travel and once I arrive is a lot of work. Then I will have to make it at someone's house and carry it with me to a hotel. So much work. yuck.
My biggest concern though is the sorrow and stress at the service (adrenals), but all the above are huge for me. Just the thought of it stresses me out.
That said, it would be awesome to see my family. The physical and emotional cost seems huge though not to mention the plane, car, hotel. It is so hard for me to make a decision.
If I could eat even remotely normal food that would be one less huge stressor. If EMFS weren't such a HUGE problem for me that would be easier too.
I know you all understand because you've been there and done that with lyme. My family has not. So there is that too. I guess I just need to take care of me. Leaning that way.
Posted by me (Member # 45475) on :
Trust your gut. I know how hard it is to make decisions like this. It sounds like you know what is best for your health, but are naturally having a hard time making the final call.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Hugs.
Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
I probably would not be able to do that. I wanted to travel for a close friend's funeral, but knew that with food issues (HUGE) and the stress, that I would probably be sick by the time I got there.
You know the family will understand.
Posted by glm1111 (Member # 16556) on :
Catgirl, IMHO given all the info you posted (Not Close...plane ride away etc and the chance you will have a relapse...STAY HOME!!!! Send flowers and a lovely note. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Take care of yourself first!!.. Hope you are doing well.
Gael
Posted by MannaMe (Member # 33330) on :
I'd recommend staying home - the stress of the whole thing just isn't worth it.
How long will it take to recuperate afterwards? a day, a week, 2 weeks or more???
It IS hard to give up and admit we just can't do everything we really want to. This is life in the Lyme light.
(Think I should write a book with that title: Life in the Lyme Light)
Posted by surprise (Member # 34987) on :
All my old friends here ((hugs))
I don't like to travel. Insert all reasons mentioned in previous posts, but multiply by 10 if I'm expected to take my children.
I don't think anyone but us 'spoon people' really understand tho.
Stay true to yourself--- it's okay to say no and send your love over the cosmos instead. xxoo
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
stay home. I've gone on several trips and paid dearly for it.
also strange er rooms are scary which increases symptoms
it's jus not worth it.
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Thank you Gael, me, MannaMe, surprise, Lymetoo and randibear. I truly appreciate all of your advice.
I can easily see things in other people but when it comes to me, I just can't see it. Everyday I wake up and wonder if I should go. It seems so obvious when I read what I typed, but I haven't seen any of these people in years.
I know people come out of the woodwork at these services too. It would be so nice to see all of them again, and I think that is what makes me want to go the most. But then I remember how heart breaking these things are as well. My head says stay but my heart says go.
If this were a family reunion, I'd go in a heartbeat. It would be happy and positive. But I have to remember this will be raw and sad. The sadness and grief, I can see and feel it now.
I just checked, it's about 8 to 9 hours of airport/plane time there with the stopping. I don't think I can do that and endure everything else. Each day I feel the pull to go though. I hate it. It takes me so long to make a decision! My husband used to hate it when we went to restaurants and I couldn't decide what to eat.
I'm reading all of your advice again. It makes sense. Thank you all very much.
Posted by me (Member # 45475) on :
What would you say to me or anyone else if they put up this post? I have a feeling you would be much more understanding with someone else than with yourself. Maybe not, but that's how I am.
But turn the situation around. What advice would you give someone?
Posted by MADDOG (Member # 18) on :
I have just went to the grave side service before.
That way i was outdoors and not in the church were I could get a cold or flu from someone. MADDOG
Posted by Keebler (Member # 12673) on :
- Very often what seems like indecision is that we just don't want to accept the apparent answer and we are bargaining with body to coax it into agreeing with us whole-heartedly, enthusiastically, exceptionally clearly
and have body promise us that it will take us where we want to go in the shape we want and return us safely - not so much in tip top form - but at least not having gotten clobbered.
Body: at least promise me that I'll manage to get through in some degree of reasonable fashion. Eh?
My body, to date, has never made such a promise.
That's were my problem comes in with indecision regarding outings. My definition of the terms of my operating systems. -
Posted by Robin123 (Member # 9197) on :
Any possibility of including you in the event in some way - like camera phone, Skyping?
Posted by WPinVA (Member # 33581) on :
Would you have support when you get there? Family to help you with grocery shopping, meal prep, and who are sensitive to your needs to rest, etc?
I think this would be important to my decision.
I really hear you on the food. I so, so miss when I could eat normally. It's a huge social barrier.
Posted by lpkayak (Member # 5230) on :
My daughter is super healthy and on a recent trip the plane was grounded fir a long time...sge was going ti an interview...she never made it to motel room...went straight to interview...could barely talk or think as fter plane issues (didn't get job) AND SHES REALLY HEALTHY! Seems like its too much. Too long. Too many things out of your control
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Wow, those are all great responses! You're right Keebler, I am trying to convince my body I can do it. Also I told myself that I won't let lyme control me anymore. So not going sort of means it's controlling me.
There is also not enough help at the other end. My family has no clue that I eat to live and how much work it is (even though I've told them many times). They just look at me like I'm nuts. I can deal with that, it's all the other stuff.
I think staying in this sadness is just not worth it. I need to make a decision. I just did a pro/con list. 4 pros and 17 cons. There it is glaring me in the face. It's screaming, DUH, stay home! It just needs to sink in. Thank you all so much! You're all awesome. :)
Posted by Judie (Member # 38323) on :
This is a difficult decision.
Is there someone other than family that can be of support there?
Maybe connect on a facebook group for EIs or people with food allergies in the area. Just trying to think of ways that will make it possible. If you have even one supportive person close by, that will be a huge help.
I see how much the decision is difficult for you. Emotionally, it seems VERY important that you go, but you need more physical support to make it possible.
Will you regret NOT going? Emotional health is also important too.
Trust your gut (in every way).
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Thanks Judie. Sorry, I forgot to check this thread. I didn't go. As much as I tried to tell my body I could do it, I eventually realized I just couldn't handle it. Everyone's advice here really helped me. Thanks again!
Posted by randibear (Member # 11290) on :
I think you made the right decision.
I missed my grandson's funeral.
sometimes we have to accept the limitations.
Posted by Catgirl (Member # 31149) on :
Thanks Randi. Grandson, I'm so sorry. I'm glad I listened to you and everyone here. You're so right (accept the limitations).
Posted by Judie (Member # 38323) on :
Yes, sometimes we have to love ourselves and meet ourselves where we're at. Glad you made the right decision for yourself!
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