posted
One year ago TODAY was the last day of "normal", healthy life for me. Tomorrow will mark the anniversary of the day I cut my finger and lost feeling in my hand, sending my health into a downward spiral. I just remember I was sitting in a hotel room FILLED with pink roses from my boyfriend (a welcome back gesture). I had 5 days until I had to report back to work... I ultimately took an additional 5 months off. I hadn't thought of Lyme Disease since 1998 when MTVs Real World was in Seattle and Irene had a relapse. I was skinny, I was healthy, I was able to complete a full thought. I didn't take naps, I had healthy relationships with my family and friends. I had a savings account with money going IN to it (not coming out). I had perfect speech and didn't stutter. I had a promising career. I wasn't worried about slipping away in my sleep. I COULD sleep. I had good circulation. I had a full head of hair. I had just turned 23, and was able to enjoy a drink with friends. I had no idea what a PICC line was, and thought only old people needed home health care. I WAS HAPPY. I smiled. I laughed. I had an inviting disposition and personality. I never thought about death. I never wished I could stop breathing in my sleep. I never had to make a decision as to whether or not I want "heroic measures" taken "just in case." I'd never had a headache. I could feel my fingers and my face. I could stand upright for more than 5 minutes. I could sit still for more than 5 minutes. I only had one doctor, and I didn't have to wait on a waiting list to get a consultaion. I was not disabled.
Sorry for the downer... I'm having a rough night and the boyfriend is out with his buddies... Just had to vent.
-------------------- Sometimes when I say �Oh, I�m fine� I want someone to look me in the eyes & say �tell the truth�
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Michelle M
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7200
posted
Hello, AP.
There now, at least you have a boyfriend. I've gone and run mine off with my poor disposition!!!!
It's hard - no, sometimes impossible - to get a grip on this while you are very sick. But you actually do lose your sense of humor and sense of enjoyment. Then that leads to depression, feeling worse, and kind of a vicious circle.
I felt this happening to me when I was at my worst and had a hard time battling it. You really can't just "laugh" or "smile" unless you feel it. (In fact it really annoys me when people come up all effusive and say "SMILE!!!")
However, even while I recognized this lack-of-laughter as part of the Lyme problem, I tried to NOT let it rob me of this: HOPE.
Even when it sometimes sounded insincere, I would keep telling myself that I WAS going to get better. And then, if I didn't believe MYSELF (known to happen), I would come HERE. These people should know!! So I would believe THEM, until I felt better enough to believe myself again.
Please don't lose hope. It will carry you through all sorts of bad places. Your real self will emerge again, only stronger.
Michelle
Posts: 3193 | From Northern California | Registered: Apr 2005
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