Topic: Hospital Etiquette for Lymies - A Few Laughs
NP40
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6711
posted
"Some Helpful Tips for Newbies
* When storing mepron do not put it near your child's yellow tempera paints. It's the same color, consistency, and you'll never tell the difference by taste.
* Contrary to popular opinion, expectant lyme Mom's are not required to name newborn boy's "Bart", or newborn girls "Babs".
* When nasty herx's arise please keep all large objects at least an arm's length away, nowhere near a TV set, your spouse's tea set collection or your children's CD's.
* Hospital/ER Visits
* When ER visits become necessary due to herxing or other major complications, proper etiquette should always be followed, such as:
* Informing the "intake" nurse that your insurance company is " First Equitable five knuckles to your zitty face" is really getting off on the wrong foot.
* Please refrain from shouting "Hey, where's Dr. A** ****, I'm herxing here !"
* Never take firearms into the Waiting Room.
* Tell them the reason for all the abx over the last kagillion years was to boost the ER doc's Phizer stock.
* When the ER doc gives you his inevitable "stress" diagnosis, it is considered poor taste to open the back flap of your hospital gown, moon him and produce acidophilus flatulence.
* Telling the ER nurse to "get on her broom and fetch me some morphine" is considered very untactful.
* Remaining calm at all times is of paramount importance for an efficient ER, therefore, jumping up and down on the ER bed, gown flapping overhead, twirling the monitor like a lasso and screaming "c'mon, wanna' piece a me Quackboy " is considered impolite and possibly disruptive.
* Drawing pornographic pictures of the ER doc and his 87 year old head nurse on his chart is poor decorum.
* Grabbing the syringe from a young lab tech and stating "I was giving myself bicillin shots when you were still poopin' yellow, girlie" is rather rude.
* Bartonella herx's are no excuse for drag racing the courtesy wheelchair down the ER hall.
* Repeatedly screaming "Duck Hotel, Duck Hotel" into the ER doc's stethoscope borders on uncompromising.
* Stashing hospital towels in your purse for PICC line wraps is unacceptable.
* Using the ER nurse's diet Pepsi for a quick "detox enema" is in poor taste.
* Sticking tongue depressers in your nostrils and outward from your mouth, folding your fists into your armpits, flapping your arms with a hospital blanket wrapped around your midsection and waddling down the hall yelling, "hey, what am I, go ahead guess, that's right, I'm a duck" is considered improper.
When checking out of the hospital, strict decorum should be followed and the following actions should never be taken:
* Holding the hospital pharmacist at gunpoint to increase pill counts or dosages is a big no-no.
* Telling the nurse you'll sign the discharge papers "in the blood I squeeze from your fat neck" is very impolite.
* Making the discharge nurse chase you across the parking lot in a frenetic attempt to steal the courtesy wheelchair is very poor manners.
[ 04. November 2006, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: NP40 ]
Posts: 1632 | From Northern Wisconsin | Registered: Jan 2005
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NP40
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6711
posted
Thanks to the mods for moving this, I spaced it out and stuck it in "Medical". Posts: 1632 | From Northern Wisconsin | Registered: Jan 2005
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NP40
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6711
posted
quote:Originally posted by meg: OK NP--If you wrote this wonderful stuff then I
think you should be every lymie's spokesperson!!
Reeeally funny!!!
What can I say Meg ? I'm sick, sick I's tells ya ! If you've ever seen my siblings, you'd understand. Posts: 1632 | From Northern Wisconsin | Registered: Jan 2005
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