The last few days have been the Threshold of Hades!
I think it's because I'm starting to dream of my "old" life, where I was healthy and happy and doing things that were meaningful.
Like when I was able to lecture for hours at a time.
Or write up scientific papers.
Or go out to concerts without worrying about pain.
Or lots of other things.
Mainly it's painful not only because it's a reminder of what I no longer have, but it makes me feel like a failure of sorts.
I don't believe I am a failure, but it's hard not to feel like one when I look around at all the things in my life that are gone.
Including my health, my mind at times, my security.
It makes it hard to visualize a future that is worthwhile.
No, I'm not talking about doing myself in; I'm talking about finding ways to find hope, a life worth living, when Lyme is my bad twin.
I think I most hate the fact that if I did not have this illness that has taken over parts of my brain, my reasoning, my memory,
I would have been able to get on top of things like I did before.
It is terrible to get collection calls, landlord notices, car notices, and realize that nearly every day I am wondering what I can do, what I can pay
On top of being so darned sick.
My two to four hour radio show puts me in bed for 2 days.
But I will not give it up because it is the one thing that makes me feel human again.
I know part of it is the Lyme, part of it is my personal circumstances; regardless, I hate that my life sucks.
-------------------- The Bite: July 1995 Next 13 years: Treated for things I didn't have Symptom total: 45 1 faint Lyme IgM May 2000 5 More negative tests IGeneX says YES! 3/16/09 Finally feel human: 2012 Posts: 120 | From Plainsboro NJ | Registered: Feb 2007
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Ocean
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3496
posted
{{{{MissMari}}}}
I'm too familiar with depression. I understand the despair of wondering what my life would have been like if I never had Lyme! Would I have become a veterinarian? I don't know and never will.
If I did not have my husband I don't know where I would be. I live for my children, although I think recovery would be much easier without having to care for 3 little people daily, lol!
I'm glad you are still going the radio show. That is important.
I told a therapist years ago that I was tired of being sad all of the time.....I told her that I missed myself.....
She said to me that I was mourning the loss of myself.....I was....
Lyme makes you someone that you don't want to be....and it's very hard to change that...
I know how you feel about the failure part...... I work so hard to get better....but I am still sick....sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough...and other times it is all I do.....constantly being a detective of my own body and what's going on with it....
....you didn't put yourself in this situation...you are doing everything you can for yourself. ... .....my husband often says to me...when I am especially down...that you never know what tomorrow will bring......sometimes I just want to hit him... ....
It's good that you came on to LymeNet......this is the only place I can come that I know that people ...do get it...do understand it....and are willing to say ...yeah life sucks right now...
I totaly understand how you feel!!
I hope your day gets better.... I am thinking of you!!!!..... You know to PM me anytime!
mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
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