Topic: i don't want to go out in public--he's done it again!!!
randibear
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posted
my friend called this morning and her church is having a program at 10 on the 11th of december. it's about a 30 mile drive or so.
he told them we would go. now these are nice people, good christian people and i like them.
but ya'll. I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!
i went to north carolina to see his dang daughter and kids, got sick and have been down ever since.
i went to oklahoma for the thanksgiving from hell. my bp shot through the roof, got insulted, no sleep, and had a crappy time.
now he's commited to this. i told him i didn't want to go and he said well i told them i'd go at least once and it's only this one time. i hate to disappoint them.
i'm all out of doing the company thang. i don't want to see anybody, get it?? no answer the door, no see, no talk, LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE.. what part of i want to be alone don't you understand?
now i feel quilty because they are good people and i do like them, unlike the oklahoma group.
but i feel like i'm being pushed.
i did get out of a retirement party for this woman he worked with. i just flat out said no, i don't like them, didn't work with them, you did, you go alone. guess what? he hasn't paid the money and it's next week. don't blame me guy if you miss it.
i'm also embarrassed because i've gained so much weight. i mean i'm at 207 and i was at 125-130. i just can't face people.
depression, maybe? more like total hermit type feelings. and maybe holidays, i don't know. but i'm tired of hearing other people go "oh i'm so overweight, i'm at 130 and i wear a size 12 or 10 or something" and i'm thinking, "oh yeah right, you're so overweight"...
i just hate going out in public.
i guess i'll do this one thing and then no more. i'm tired of sitting there around people going "i'm so big, i've gained so much weight, i'm hurting and i want to go home".
sorry, pity party...
holidays and missing my mom and dog.
husband not so much....lol
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
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- And you are going, why?
Seems that their being "good people" still would not make it work for you, all things considered. You will be doing them no kindness whatsoever by going unless you are wanting to do this - AND feeling up to it.
I think it's the better gift to stay away when we just can't be there in good spirit and reasonable alertness.
Although the issue at hand is that you did not commit to the invitation. If someone speaks for you, you can then speak for yourself to them and graciously decline. Other parties can do what they want.
You've probably tried this but I'd never commit for another, nor would I ever let someone firmly accept an invitation for me without first checking with me before any kind of confirmation.
That's pretty standard etiquette for every adult relationship (and even childhood and teen friendships). -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Ditto what Keebler said. If you don't want to go, don't go. If he wants to go so badly then he can go by himself.
-------------------- Untreated Lyme for 25+ years. Two kids, too much pain & fatigue, no hope of ever being able to treat. Posts: 310 | From Northeast | Registered: Mar 2010
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Keebler
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- As for your missing your mom, yeah, that really can run deep this time of the year. I'm glad I have so many good memories to honor and replay. It's still sad but experiences of the past still bring me richness.
As for the self talk, oh, what torture we inflict upon ourselves. Yes, it's hard to carry extra weight or be "puffed" and "swollen" (which is part of the problem, actually) but look at some other women who carry a bit more. Some carry it very well.
Even if we aren't necessary all that healthy, and even if carrying excess weight, our INNER HEALTH can help lighten and brighten us.
Sure, with health issues, we have all kinds of emotions and it's good to acknowledge what we are feeling - and let then that move on through us to make way for fresh air, so to speak.
When going through some counseling years ago, I think it was cognitive-behavioral therapy that helped the most to determine the real issue.
And I learned how "to talk to myself" respectfully. (Anything less is is not acceptable, really.)
When I find myself doing a negative talk number, it helps to state it as a fact (if it is), neutralize it, say "so?" and straighten up my posture and know that I'm doing the best I can to take care of my self, all things considered.
And that's a fact that makes me feel better from the inside out.
I'm out to banish all negative self criticism. We suffer enough as humans, but self bullying should not be sloshed on top of all else we have to negotiate.
I'm also out to try for more enjoyable and rewarding experiences and relationships. To make room for the light, shadow often have to go.
We are much more than the physical body we carry. Much more. We are stronger and brighter than we sometimes realize. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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I don't know. I guess I'm wired differently. I would jump at the chance. But that's me.
Randi.. Don't you still go grocery shopping, etc??
I miss my parents too, but I'm not checking out on life just yet.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96220 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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merrygirl
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Member # 12041
posted
Well said keeber!
I am plus sized. I used to be thin and athletic. But you.know what? If i want to, i can look pretty darn good for a big girl! My theory is if someone else doesnt like it too darn bad. Thats their problem, not mine. Would i like to be a size 10? sure, but i am not and wont be anytime soon.
So,i have learned to accept what i am right now. I work with what i DO have and guess what? I still get hit on.
So if you are going to go, This is what I would do if i could afford it.
- get a nice haircut/color - get a pedicure or manicure - get a new outfit
You will feel better and ROCk What you DO have, to hell with everyone else own it!
merrygirl
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posted
Oh and i am glass half empty kind of person i am just not going to let someone else dictate how i feel about my self. Dont give your power to anyone.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
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- As for not wanting to go out at all, TuTu and Merrygirl have a point. If the commitment was about his not checking with you and your just not up for it, that's one thing.
However, you sound like you don't want to go out at all. I'm unable to go out so I probably push others to go and do all they can, if they want.
About feeling better, what about a massage, a few new outfits, a new hair style? While clothes do not make the woman, it does feel nice to have something we enjoy wearing - and regardless of size, just celebrate who we are.
Queen Latifa is just one example of a beautiful woman who carries herself with grace, joy, and humor. It's good to see that in other women so that we know how to carry that off.
If not her, is there someone else who could be your "movie star role model"?
- sure to make you feel good about life. Just look at that smile and light in her eyes. Sure, these are mostly posed shots but her real self is there and, if you've ever seen her on a talk show, she's pretty amazing regarding how she carries herself.
Also, the point is not HOW you look but HOW you look, rather HOW you can ENJOY some of the finer aspects of LIFE. No one has a right to dictate that for you. That's up to you. I hope you find some events & company to enjoy. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
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oh i love queen latifa. she's one of my favorites. i saw her on hsn and just adored her. and husband thinks she's wonderful. she does the voice in "ice age".
i really don't know what it is. it's not so much that he agreed to go cause i really like them both. and he tells me he doesn't want to go out without me.
i did agree tho about me not going to that retirement party. i really didn't like some of the people he worked with.
i can't put my finger on it. i just enjoy being by myself more.
i thought of my mom today as i was driving and just burst into tears. i mean here i am driving and tears are just all over the place. i know it's been 3 years but it seems like yesterday.
and then my baby lab, randi. i miss her every day.
sometimes the struggle for all we have to do is just overwhelming. all the pills, the doctors, the pain, the headaches, it seems to much and i want to throw up my hands and say "dear Lord, take me now so i can see my mom and my randi".
i don't know what's wrong. not money problems, not house problems, not car problems, just me i guess.
it's like "why is everyone in a good mood?"
i'm just grinchy i guess. or it could be the increase in bp meds and now this zocor thing.
sorry ya'll...i hate to be the only nut in the salad...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Maybe for YOUR sake, you should fight this inclination:
"i can't put my finger on it. i just enjoy being by myself more."
I cried last night as I put my mom's and dad's ornaments on my tree. But it's good to still have intense feelings for our loved ones. Just think if we felt NOTHING. THAT would be sad.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96220 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Keebler
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posted
- The sheer sensory overload and adrenal output would be very reasonable reasons to be low key or in controlled settings.
For many, it's vital to avoid busy events.
But, I tend to wonder if some serious side-effects of the Rx (or the combination of Rx) are clobbering you in various ways. Some BP and cholesterol meds can cause very serious depression.
Depression is a side-effect of zocor.
BTW, our brain NEEDS cholesterol. Maybe you aren't getting enough of the good kind.
I also doubt those tests are as clear cut as the pharmaceutical companies would have us believe. And there are other ways to lower the bad cholesterol.
If the zocor is blocking your body's ability to absorb GOOD fats, then that can cause very serious problems, including depression and nerve problems.
Now, I'm not sure how cholesterol lowering drugs work and how they can selectively choose which fats to diminish, but it's really important to know if your body is getting enough of the essential fatty acids. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
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oh sorry i forgot you asked about my shopping.
yes, i do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, bill paying, laundry, you name it, i do it. i used to do the yard work but because of the steepness of the backyard can't anymore. so now he does that.
i enjoy cleaning my house. takes forever, but it's something i do like to do.
i do get out in public. just don't like to do it tho.
no fun to do everything alone. wish i had good friends nearby. these live over at least 100 miles away or more. probably closer to 120.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I'm in the same boat as randibear... up to 197 pounds now - used to be 125 before my health went belly up. I fear seeing anyone who knew me when I looked good. I literally wear very understated clothes and try to blend into the woodwork. People really stress me out. I feel sad that I don't have friends, but then I wouldn't be able to take a lot of socializing anyways. Kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Wish I enjoyed cleaning the house! hehehehehe
-------------------- IgM: [18++,31+++,34++,41++,83-93+] [39 IND] IgG: [41 IND] Positive according to IGeneX. Negative according to CDC. Negative for co-infections. Currently treating for Lyme, Bartonella, Babesia Posts: 225 | From Minnesota | Registered: May 2011
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posted
I just wondered if you WERE getting out. I was hoping so!
All my family are in Texas, so I know what you mean about not having family and friends nearby. So don't alienate any friends! BUILD friendships. It takes a little effort, but it can be done.
I so want a close friend I can count on (here). I have church friends, but most are not my age and not that close by.
I have one close friend who just went back to work. Dang. We used to do things together.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96220 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
Wow, just thinking back... I haven't had a friend friend that I just call up or do things with since my divorce in 1996. I have my significant other, but it's not quite the same.
-------------------- IgM: [18++,31+++,34++,41++,83-93+] [39 IND] IgG: [41 IND] Positive according to IGeneX. Negative according to CDC. Negative for co-infections. Currently treating for Lyme, Bartonella, Babesia Posts: 225 | From Minnesota | Registered: May 2011
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posted
Randi, maybe a program at your friend's church will be just what the doctor ordered. It will probably be uplifting, and would certainly not carry the stress of an unpleasant family dinner at somebody's house. You could just be an audience member enjoying the program. Sometimes reconnecting with friends in that kind of setting is easier. Takes the pressure off from not having to carry one-on-one conversations for hours on end.
Don't worry about weight. All of us at one time or another gains or loses. Your friends will still love you, and everybody else doesn't matter. I agree with what others have said - go get a new outfit or wear something you have that makes you feel really good. Maybe get some new accessories to go with it.
You are blessed to have friends that invited you to join in the event. And even though it can be annoying when our significant others drag us into something, when all is said and done, it is flattering that they enjoy our company and want us to go with them.
Be good to yourself and go have some fun!
Posts: 251 | From Florida | Registered: Aug 2011
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Tincup
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posted
Keebler,
Excellent responses!
Randibear,
Might this link below help you with the big picture? It won't give you answers for this specific problem today, but maybe you should try to address your reactions to the problems you are experiencing?
I offer this because It is so very sad to see you constantly in turmoil, stressing over so much, and unhappy with so many things.
Please remember, stress can cause severe health problems, can make existing health problems worse, and in extreme cases can lead to death.
posted
jimmy.. Those are my thoughts exactly. I hope Randi decides this is a non-threatening way to connect with friends and have an enjoyable 2 hrs or so!
TC .. I'm a fan of Norman Vincent Peale's The Power Positive Thinking and anything by Zig Ziglar. He's a funny man -- and very wise!!!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96220 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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jackie51
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Member # 14233
posted
Randi--When I told a doctor that I just wanted to be left alone, he figured I was depressed. Well, I might have been but it was because I was sick with lyme & co.
But, we're all different. Some people prefer to be alone, some prefer to be with others. I don't think you're depressed, I think you're just not feeling well. I know when I'm sick, I don't want to see anybody except "pillow friend". Sorry, but my kid names everything.
Yeah, feel free to do some head slapping for him making a commitment on your behalf without your permission.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Posts: 1374 | From Crazy Town | Registered: Dec 2007
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Tricky Tickey
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Member # 26546
posted
I'm sorry Randibear......you have a right to stay home if you want! Being alone is not a bad thing at all. Unless it's excessive and you are afraid to leave the house.
Hey, I know, next time I'm in your area, I'll come see you and you don't have to leave the house. I'll stay on the porch, since my garbagy smell is so bad!!
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
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kam
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posted
Not able to read what others wrote. I have not been able to go to church in a long time.
When I did go, some friends brought me. If I needed to go home they had no problem driving me home even if the service had just started.
I also learned that I do better first thing in the morning. My body and brain shut down about 9 am.
Which makes it tricky to attend church services as it is rare to find one that starts at 8 am.
I also learned to go in just before the service starts. All the movement and talking in the lobby or the room was too much.
Since I am where you are now...just need lots of quiet time I don't know if these things will help you or not.
I would like to attend church but health wise have yet to find a way to do so.
Need a way to transport power chair.
I also would lay down in the pews or across the chairs as I can't hold my body upright if I was able to walk in.
I recently recalled their was a manual wheel chair in the lobby of one church.
Wonder if that would help me get from point A to point B.
Don't know if that would help you. Not sure what your obstacles are.
Time is the biggest obstacle for me. They even have a bible study here at teh apartments I live in.
I have tried going several times. I last about 5 or 10 min and then have to leave. Brain can't take in what is being said.
Again, if they hd it first thing in the morning I wonder if I would last longer.
30 min away is tricky.
Hoping it works out for you. Hoping you get the much needed rest before it is time to go.
You need some positive things in your life. We all do.
Not able to read what the others wrote.
it would be nice if you had the option to turn around and go home if needed.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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MannaMe
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Does your church have phone services? My husband can call in and listen to the Sunday morning church services from home. The rest of us go to church.
At the times he was well enough to go for a short while - we'd come late - after everybody was seated - and sat in the back or just outside the auditorium to avoid the crowds. Then when he was ready to go, we just left.
Posts: 2244 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2011
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posted
MannaMe .. that is a good point. Our small church videotapes every service so we can give those DVD's to shut-ins.
I'm sure they appreciate it VERY MUCH!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96220 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Dogsandcats
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posted
I think a couple of people above had a good idea. I can go somewhere if I know - when I don't feel well - we can go home.
A few people I trust for that. If I am on the border or whether I can go - It makes all the difference if I know we can leave when I am ready.
I honestly try to stay as long as I can, then--done.
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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MannaMe
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Dogsandcats, That's exactly how it is for my husband - when he's done - he's DONE!
And if I can't take him somewhere or stay with him, there are only a very few people he feels comfortable enough with, to trust they will take good care of him.
Our children do well at taking turns 'staying home with Daddy' when the need arises.
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OptiMisTick
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posted
[ 12-05-2011, 03:54 AM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
Posts: 1338 | From Above the Clouds | Registered: Nov 2000
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OptiMisTick
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posted
[ 12-05-2011, 03:55 AM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
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Keebler
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posted
- I would bristle at the idea of anyone giving me a reward for anything. It just feels like a parent-child dynamic. Like the Lucy Show with Desi. Never did like how he treated Lucy (even as a child that seems creepy).
Bartering, on the other hand, can have some rewards.
Gifts of appreciation? Bring 'em on! -
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randibear
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posted
I get no Christmas, birthday, anniversary etc gifts at all. No flowers, candy nothing. He say he doesn't know what to buy me and if I want something I should just buy it myself. hard to keep patting yourself on the back. I'm not looking for constant reinforcement but just an occasional nod that I'm going in the right direction.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Optimistick.. the thing I find horrifying is all the SUGAR in everything!! I picked up a garlic salt today at the store and it contained dextrose. WHY???
just sayin'
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96220 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Keebler
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Simply Organic - Garlic Salt -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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OptiMisTick
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posted
[ 12-05-2011, 03:55 AM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
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kam
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Good to know which chocolate is good. I recall going to the store after hearing Dr. oz talk about how chocolate is good for the health.
So many choices. I knew dark chocolate was what I needed.
But, my brain has trouble when there are so many choices. Now, I can just look for Lindt's.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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randibear
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posted
i'm strictly a milk chocolate kind of gal.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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TerryK
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posted
I have become very picky about who I choose to spend time with. I find that many people can be draining and the experience not very rewarding.
Unless it's someone I truly enjoy being around I find my time is much better spent researching, relaxing, healing and spending my energy getting things done that need to get done around the house.
To be honest, I'm happy that I don't have to put up with a lot of social functions that add little value and take precious energy that could be spent doing something I'd rather do.
If one is not going out due to depression that is different. Good idea then to get some help.
Ditto on the chocolate/sea salt bars. My husband gets one for me every week.
Terry
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