randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
to make a long story short, my parents hated each other. I grew up in a violent home. mom always said don't bury me next to him. she was terrified of him.
so my sisters bury her next to him. I told them I was against it.
guess what? after 7 bloody freaking years, my one sister now says she feels quilty and wishes she'd done what mom wanted. I am beyond angry..jus ballistic.
she bought other plots and wants to have mom moved next to her and her husband's plots. my other sister, who hated mom and always defended dad, wants to be buried next to dad.
got this? yeah right..you know where this is going..uhhuh....wants me to pay half of it.
I made the colossal mistake of trying to discuss with husband. he's still not speaking to me. says I shouldn't do this, what about the money, and how i never mention my dad. well there's a darn good reason i don't mention him. it's called child abuse.
anyway home life is all screwed up right now. I was trying to be honest with him honestly don't see why he's so angry. he was actually yelling at me in a restaurant.
but can we have mom moved? it's the same cemetery jus up the hill.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Legal matters and wills aside (which I assume were followed - even if your mother said "don't bury me next to him" it was HER choice in HER WILL that she was, ultimately -- or is it too much to assume her will was actually HONORED?).
Much depends on that, for starters. If her will specified burial, that settles the matter. If she wrote plans for an individual burial plot, the estate manager would have legally HAD to comply.
Here's how I might look at it.
Moving it will serve only one purpose: to make someone here, alive, now THINK this will make them feel better.
Worth it or not, as unlikely as it is to erase these deep emotional scars, this is not the place of the children to decide. Not. Their. Place.
Here's another way to look at it.
Once upon a happy time, your parents DID enjoy a good relationship. Whatever happened along the way, whether physical or mental / psychological illness (that can cause abuse) or just stubborn streaks or even if sheer pathological tendencies -- well . . . that is not who they were at the beginning.
Likely, they both would have wanted to be together, after going through some kind of understanding about what the bleep all that abuse was about in whatever kind of ethereal way might be if such a process were to be.
I would just let them be. They are not hurting each other, neither is now being hurt. Think back to the love that was there at their start. Get on with your life. They would want you to make a wise decision regarding how you use scarce resources.
As for where your mother currently lies - this squabbling and festering with living family, whatever decision was made a the time was made to make someone feel better. The person to whom it mattered most that they be together likely REALLY needed that to happen, on some deep emotional level.
But - the law here, again -- it really was no one's choice. This should have all been specified in your mother's legal documents. And she surely did not sign any page agreeing to be moved around like a pawn.
But - all this is supposed to be about what THEY would have wanted. Not you. Not your sisters. Not the guy on the street corner.
I assume it was your mother's decision where to be buried as she made her final plans. That's not for anyone to go undoing now.
Just let it be. Go back to the love that starts out in each of us. Don't let past deeds sour today. If family now wants to quibble, stay in the present and work it out with understanding and communication.
But best to just let the past be as it lies - can't go back and undo the past but you can study in the light of understanding. -
[ 04-13-2015, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Backing up to a separate issue, really, your sister's move was very calculated and bullying, actually to make this purchase and then expect others to go in on the plan and with money.
And, if this is your money you are considering, while your husband's thoughts might be voiced in a better way for a real discussion as you think this through, his behavior is abusive (and a pattern from various past posts).
Seems ironic that digging up the past due to abuse issues gets all the attention - and maybe it's time for attention just in a very different way.
"she bought other plots and wants to have mom moved next to her and her husband's plots. my other sister, who hated mom and always defended dad, wants to be buried next to dad." (end quote)
What about the "rest in peace" does she not understand. Graves are not chess pieces for crying out loud.
This seems like a war grab with each parent's casket (to different daughters) being the bounty of some kind.
This plan is not going to fix whatever hurt she carries inside of her. But some counseling might help.
She went ahead and bought plots, okay, she's got some land. But you don't have to go in on that real estate deal or the thinking processes involved in that.
She is likely hurting very much about all this to have bought this land and to consider such action. So, it's important to consider that. Still, you can be understanding and also keep a clear head about the practicalities and legalities. -
[ 04-13-2015, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
If you have money that you consider for moving of graves because you can't understand / forgive abuse behavior of the dead, it might be considered instead for digging out of (figuring out solutions) to an abusive relationship above ground with the living.
If not for someone you know, uh (pause - take a minute here) . . . donate to a (women's, men's, children) domestic / verbal / emotional abuse program. Donate to an attorney fund for someone needing advice on such matter or for counseling.
With such a turbulent upbringing, for all sisters, now may be the time to explore the terrain of the heart & mind of the past - figuratively. It can take decades before the victims of abuse are ready to start looking at it.
And, each sister, every sibling in every family has an entirely different experience. Some things may be the same but it can also be very different. Do no assume any sibling had the same experiences or understands as you do.
When each sister might be able to explore the past (all above ground and out in the daylight) then maybe some conversations could be had - guided by a professional therapist.
It just seems that with so may family talks, it's so much about who's right and who's wrong -- who's going to win. If that is a element, though, it's not going to set the tone for healing.
[ 04-13-2015, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
Randi. You should write a book. Or a soap opera. You could get rich and leave him. I dont know what to say about your mom
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
yeah, hon, it seems like someone is always trying to flush the toliet and I'm in it....
and y'all know I'm telling the honest to goodness truth. as momma used to say "you can always tell the truth cause it never changes".
my life is jus like a wombat in a cornfield and that's the truth...lol
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Abuse and acceptance of it runs many generations.
Tell your sisters to figure it out on their own. They started it, they can finish it.
All they want is your money.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
each of us suffered at dad's hands. the oldest two got the beatings. me and my younger sister got the screaming rages with furniture flying and all.
we lived only because my grandpa told dad he would kill him if anything happened to us. mom protected us as much as she could.
it's their guilt for not taking care of mom when she got older.
I've checked the web and its practically paying for a new funeral. opening and closing the site, new vault plus the funeral director and courts have to be involved.
I've got money but, dang, not that much.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
And your mom would want you to spend that money on yourself not on her grave.
Just my opinion. I know that's how my mom would have felt.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
in a way I feel like it's a bid to get my share of mom's estate. after all, they did consult a lawyer to have me cut out.
and the one who supported dad doesn't have a pot and the rest have all decided that should something happen to her we will have to pay for her entire funeral. and it could happen cause of drugs and dope.
it jus gets better n better with my family. believe me they could give the furies a run for their money
hey does anybody want to adopt me? I'm housebroken...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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2roads
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4409
posted
Dang randi. God love you. I get to feeling sorry for myself in the vortex of sinking water, and you've already been flushed. Amazing family dynamics. Others here say wise things. Hang tough. I'm so sorry for the madness. Hugs
Posts: 2214 | From West Chester, PA | Registered: Aug 2003
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