Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
My Body has Betrayed Me
I am living each day Jailed in this broken body That surely can't be mine.
This body doesn't move well, This body can't talk right. This body bumps into walls and doors It stumbles, it trips, it falls. This body is a cruel imposter.
This body is bloated and shapeless It doesn't fit into my clothes or shoes This body can't run or even walk some days It can't exercise without falling into a heap Of feeble useless exhaustion. This body is a fraud.
The body is stranded in some insidious wasteland Where used up shells are forced to reside Suffering through some pathetic half existence Worthy of only the lame and hopeless.
Not even in my college days Of pulling all nighters to cram Or partying till the dawn Or popping diet pills to lose five pounds Did my body rebel like this.
Not even when wracked with fevers Or wretching with flus Or twisted and stretched past all possible limits With the agony of childbirth Did my body surrender like this.
I am locked between the frustraton of being misunderstood And the sickening emptiness of being pitied. Somewhere in between I am forced to exist Wishing for understanding and empathy Without sympathy and sorrow. Yearning for friendship and strength Without fear and avoidance.
My body has betrayed me. God, help me to remember That as long as your spirit lives in me My spirit still lives.
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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TerryK
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 8552
posted
A well written poem. I completly understand how you feel. I used to feel the same way about my body. I felt so betrayed and wondered how my body could misbehave so badly.
Once I knew about lyme and co-infections, I understood just how very hard my body has been working all these long years to keep me alive. Not an easy job with all of these infections. Many people don't manage to stay alive because as hard as their body tries, it just can't do it.
I've come to understand that my body is my friend. I love my body for trying sooooo hard to keep me alive. I thank my body everyday for another day, no matter how agonizing. That extra day gives me and my body a chance to conquer these nasty, life destroying infections.
Both of our feelings are valid of course but I think the body deserves some credit for all that it does for us in the face of the terrible war that we are fighting.
Terry
Posts: 6286 | From Oregon | Registered: Jan 2006
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disturbedme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12346
posted
I agree, this needs framed. It's beautiful. Thanks for writing such a beautiful piece!
-------------------- One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. ~ Helen Keller
My Lyme Story Posts: 2965 | From Land of Confusion (bitten in KS, moved to PA, now living in MD) | Registered: Jun 2007
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feelfit
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12770
posted
It's a poem, not to be debated, but to be seen for it's awesome beauty.
Thank you for sharing Tracy.
Feelfit
Posts: 3975 | From usa | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I battle the "I hate my body" and "I know I'm supposed to love my body" all the time.
[ 05. April 2008, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: Lymetoo ]
Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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TerryK
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 8552
posted
feelfit, I don't want to participate in a flame war but I want to say that my intention was not to debate the poem or the feelings that it portrays. I thought I voiced that but if not, I'm voicing it now.
I was making my own observations from my own experience of almost 50 years of illness. I find that my spirit and body respond much better to feeling love towards my body than anger which is how I used to feel.
I hope it's OK to share our feelings. My feelings are no reflection on the beauty of Tracy9's poem.
Tracy9 - if you feel offended - please let me know and I'll delete my posts.
Terry
Posts: 6286 | From Oregon | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
My eyes are full of tears. You described how I feel so many times.
Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel at different times during our illness.
I am going to hang this on my fridge and mail it to my relatives.
Many blessings to you.
-------------------- ...~*Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming*~... Posts: 120 | From New Jersey | Registered: May 2006
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WildCondor
Unregistered
posted
Sending you hugs Tracy :)We have been there too. Thank you for sharing that with us.
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Thank you for the beautiful words that describe so much of me.
My spirit lives on too.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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cantgiveupyet
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8165
posted
thanks for sharing, ive been feeling just like that poem for the last week.....i thought my body would never pull me thru.
-------------------- "Say it straight simple and with a smile."
"Thus the task is, not so much to see what no one has seen yet, But to think what nobody has thought yet, About what everybody sees."
-Schopenhauer
pos babs, bart, igenex WB igm/igg Posts: 3156 | From Lyme limbo | Registered: Oct 2005
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Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.
TerryK, what you posted was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Your words have helped me immensely. In writing that poem today, I was fighting for a way to feel better. Your words about our bodies being our friends by keeping us alive and fighting were perfect. Thank you so much. I did not see what you wrote as even contrary, but as inspirational and a way to turn my discouragement into grateful hope. Thank you for that.
I had tickets tonight to Cirque de Soliel, purchased many months ago before financial disaster struck. I told myself come hell or high water I was going. I wanted to enjoy a night out with my husband and two children, feign a little normalcy, try and throw the kids a dose of "we really are a functioning family" even though we aren't.
Today was one of the bad days. I woke up (at 3 pm) in lots of pain, and oh so stiff. I was so tired I felt I couldn't stand much less get ready and go to a show.
I took a shower and dressed with many, many breaks. Then I stopped and wrote the poem, because I had to get this off my chest.
My husband drove and with my cane we got there. I am VERY grateful for the handicapped parking tag that just arrived in the mail a couple of days ago.
It was hard, and I was in a lot of pain, unsteady and exhausted, but the show was great. We went to TGI Friday's afterward, and by the end of dinner I FINALLY engaged my 18 year old son in conversation. He chatted it up with us all the way home.
Since my kids rarely even make eye contact with me, that was enough to make me feel it was all worth it. A few minutes of connection as a family. All worth it.
Thanks again to all for taking the time to read my poem. I think we should all write one or two, and then have them published in a book.
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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charlie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25
posted
Tracy
I had no idea you could write like that...it's impressive and to the point and better than anything I could ever do.
Maybe you missed your calling??
Charlie
Posts: 2804 | From Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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TerryK
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 8552
posted
Tracy, I'm so glad to hear that you found something useful in my experience.
Wonderful that you made a connection with your family. My daughter is always lamenting that I've missed out on so much of her life. Recently she was voicing hurt feelings that I don't invite her and her fiance over to dinner much anymore.
Frankly it is much harder to manage since I've been in treatment. It's been almost 2 years since I started treatment. Your experience inspires me to work through the pain and fatigue and just do it. I know it will be worth it even though it will be very difficult.
Terry
Posts: 6286 | From Oregon | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Tracy9: Thank you everyone for the support and kind words. TerryK, what you posted was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Your words have helped me immensely. In writing that poem today, I was fighting for a way to feel better. Your words about our bodies being our friends by keeping us alive and fighting were perfect. Thank you so much.
Both of you helped me too!!! It was what I needed to hear.
Tracy, this poem will be used over and over again by Lyme patients everywhere!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
Charlie, thank you, that means so much coming from you, whom I consider to be an incredible writer.
I have always loved to write, since I was a child. My favorite hobbies have always included creative writing and photography. I just don't do it much.
Somtimes the mood strikes me; I would truly love to compile a book of poems we all write and have it published.
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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