This is topic LETS PLAY DOCTOR ( game) in forum General Support at LymeNet Flash.


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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Eh, why not? I have an idea ( and I'm slightly bored and still jilted by idiot ducks)

Lets play a game. I'll start it by giving you a "complaint" ( it should be made up, or real whatever.. as long as you REALLY arent looking for a diagnosis, cause we cant do that here)

and then the first person under me ANSWERS my complaint ( diagnoses it) and then lists theirs.

when you ANSWER someone's complaint, give it the best, humor you can possibly use

OR the most morbid answer, silly answer, whatever answer

HECK , even throw in answers some of the DUCKS may have given YOU.

I'll just show an example:

Hi, Im the Crime of Lyme. My neck has been aching me for months. It started after I had this rash on my neck right where I was bit by a tick. what do you think it is doc?

Say this made poster name twillax answers me. Twillax is being the doctor and would say ( I mean hey what you say is what yous a say).. but Twillax

says: Hmm, rash, tick, neck ache? I think you have hemmorhoids. Take this cream for seven days by applying it in your nose and you will be just FINE.

OK, so I really will start in a post below.. if anyone wants to play, join in.
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Ok, Im starting. Hopefully I won't play alone.

Doctor,

My head has been me for days. I was outside gardening the last time I had REAL activity. Since then, I have been down in bed with this killer headache. I also have swollen lymph nodes, sensitivity to light and I just can't think right.
 

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Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
 
Hmmm have you been sleeping at nite, do you like to go out in crowds...seems you have a fear of the outside...have you ever heard of agoraphobia.Our eyes can become overeactive if we stay inside for long periods of time...


.am i right here...i dont think you have told me everything.


Im going to give you a prescription for depression, i also want you to see a colleague of mine down the road at the hospital he speacializes in this kind of thing.


Ok here is mine,

I have lower right back pain, temple pain...motion sickness..frequent urination..lower right back pain...eye twitch.

Ive been like this since my vacation in the mountains where i swam in a lake.
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
You swam in a lake did ya? Thats easy!
You have lower pulled back muscle syndrome, which can last for up to ten years.

While in the lake, you slammed your head on a rock and must have forgotten about it. The motion sickness is because the lake was "calm"

if you were in the ocean, you wouldn't get motion sickness!

The eye twitch is related to opening your eyes while you were under the lake. You know you did, admit it?

You have an obsession with lakes? I think your entire problem is because you like lakes. Really, try the ocean.

So you have to go to the restroom alot , eh? Are you moving your bowels ok?
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
Rash: Take some benedril sounds like an allergic reaction.

For the neck pain, apply ice and heat to area. Take advil 3XD. If it continues I want you to see an orthopedist.

Here's the bill. Quack... quack...There really should be a duck icon on here somewhere.
 

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Posted by Andie333 (Member # 7370) on :
 
Actually, it sounds to me like you're fine!

Andie
 

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Posted by jif (Member # 9215) on :
 
("do you attend church" says the duc in a quiet voice) "Oh good....

all of you need to talk to your pastor about your (stress) problems!!!!!


Here's mine

Hi Doctor--It all stared with burning arms, pelvic pain and stabbing leg pain

now numbness and in hands onset, joint pain, vision problems on and off, ringing in my ears, weakness in my arms and tingling in my feet, neck pain...
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Jif:

Your symptoms are of course way too many address in this "extensive " 15 minute session that I'm being paid 200.00 bucks for!

Are you under any stress lately? Someone shouldn't have so many symptoms. I am declaring your problems idiopathic psychosomatic intentional mental undue.

That will be 200, dont forget.
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Someone go next.. list your complaint so we can duck diagnose you.
 

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Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
 
Doctor, doctor,
give me the news...
I've got a BAD case of

hmmm, let me see...

Salsa, that's it, I crave salsa.
The hotter the better.

Why don't I crave chocolate anymore?

Signed,
Hotlips
 

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Posted by painted turtle (Member # 7801) on :
 
Sounds like you need a psychiatrist hotlips. Your craving for salsa is symbolic of staring into the sun. This means if you continue to give in to your addictive salsa cravings...you will likely go blind. ....No, it has nothing to do with fighting inflammation, there is really no such thing as inflammation.

As for the chocolate, it seems you are likely suffering from constipation and really that's about it, no, sugar is not a problem don't you worry about that because the yeast thing is a myth. I suggest you talk to the psychiatrist about your aversion to chocolate because chocolate is truly at the top of the food pyramid and it seems your avoidance of it is a sign that you may just be going deaf too.


>>>> I have out of body experiences and speak in a foreign tongue that is lovely music sometimes but no one understands me. In fact sometimes I read one sentence over and over and over and still, it is not received. Shooting pains do not discriminate and I am always crying. What do you think doc? I just can't get out of bed anymore and feel like I'm dying.
 

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Posted by just don (Member # 1129) on :
 
Painted turtle,
Sounds as if you are just 2000 years short of when you SHOULD have been born. Foreign tongues suddenly spoken was back in Jesus time, nobody has that since then! Must be al in your head and you are actually dreaming it.


Hey doc,
Whenever I stab into anything with a pitchfork or scoop my hands have this stabbing pain like I have never had before. I just had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery to fix it about a year ago. What can this be?? Besides I get very nauseas when in pickup or car etc. I am real tired these days. Teeth are falling out, neck is really stiff and sore,heavy head syndrome. Cant even enjoy a beer any more without getting sick or having one day hangover for each one enjoyed!! PLEASE help me Dr. Duck??? What IS this???

(Actual duck response--nothing in your hands to hurt like that(no x-rays taken) and if you have all these other maladies you are a chronic whiner and neurotic. NO disease known to man has all those symptoms,,, your just getting older, get used to it!!! You must have just overused your hands and wore them out over the years)(And, once arthritis WAS discovered to be cause, arthritis is osteo kind so it does NOT move or spread!!)

Can you better diagnose me fellow docs??? Especially that lady from Penn. (With 'hotlips')??? Forgot what those were? Can anybody reenlighten me???because I remain--just don--
 

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Posted by Pocono Lyme (Member # 5939) on :
 
Well, Z Man,

It's obvious you have a urinary tract infection. I will give you a script for an antibiotic to take for ten days and would advise you to get a pair of "duck" boots to wear in the woods from now on. This way, when you pee on your feet again, it'll roll off.


Now, for me.
I've been dizzy for months, brain fog, visual disturbances, muscle pain, frozen shoulder, blocked ears that all seemed to start within a month after finding a tick. And PS, I don't have the same condition as Just Don.
 

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Posted by treepatrol (Member # 4117) on :
 
So dizzy where did you find this tick in the woods?
 

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Posted by Pocono Lyme (Member # 5939) on :
 
Right where ZMan PEE'D. Thought for sure everything would be dead after THAT. They must have just been a little intoxicated. The ticks I mean.

It Was by the 19th hole ya' know.
Still Dizzy.
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
Pocolyme

It sounds to me like you are not being fulfilled in your home life. Here's some script fpr some prozac. As for the dizzy/inner era problems take 2 Q-Tips and call me in the morning.

That will be $200. Pay on the way out. If you don't have the money you may massage my ego, call me a God and kiss my feet. That will still be $200 dollars or your first born-whatever comes first


HI doctor

I have been do tired lately and and out of breath. I also get joint pain when I excercise.

I also can't fall asleep at night either. I usually sleep for 9 hours and when I wake up I don't feel refreshed.

What do you think is the problem?
 

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Posted by treepatrol (Member # 4117) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Pocono Lyme:I've been dizzy for months, brain fog, visual disturbances, muscle pain, frozen shoulder, blocked ears that all seemed to start within a month after finding a tick
Right where ZMan PEE'D. Thought for sure everything would be dead after THAT. They must have just been a little intoxicated. The ticks I mean.

It Was by the 19th hole ya' know.
Still Dizzy.

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Well the muscle pain,frozen shoulder is from the golf layoff for a while,Fog when you do go back to golf, play in afternoon no fog then,Did you hear me? Yes. Well your ears are fine,and quit looking for ticks especially when your intoxicated. Take two motrin a day for aches.
We will bill you.
 

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Posted by Nebula2005 (Member # 8244) on :
 
Dana

You're probably drinking too much coffee. Is there some unusual stress in your family life right now?

Here's a sample of some antidepressants. I'll see you back here in a month.

(In my experience ducks are neither clever nor funny)

Here's mine:

I have an ugly rash on my shins. It doesn't itch. I ache all over. I can't stand any bright lights or loud noises. My ears won't stop ringing. I can't swallow my food without choking. My nails have ridges. I can't turn my head because my neck is so stiff.

(now I AM depressed because this was all true, some of it still is )
 

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Posted by Pocono Lyme (Member # 5939) on :
 
Well Dana,

Q tips? I thought you weren't supposed to put anything in your ears smaller than your elbow. Oh, forget I said that. Not supposed to question God. Am I paid in full now?

Oh I just noticed kissing your feet as part of it. Here's the balance.

And Dana,
Sounds to me like you may be exercising too much. When you go to bed to sleep, it's to sleep not exercise, Most people WILL get short of breat with this type of exercise, well not sure about Just Don,
About the joint pain, position, position, position or location location location.

You could try to get yourself on a schedule, get up early and go to bed (to sleep) early. NINE HOURS!

Tree,
Good advice. Put that on my account please. On account I don't have any money. BTW, I don't play golf. I was following ZMan. A girl's gotta have SOME fun. Anybody have binoculars they're not using?
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
Nebula 2005

Here are my recommendations-from God's ear:

For your bright lights- buy a pair of tinted glasses and stop starring into the sun already.

For your rash: use calamine lotion and stop rolling in the posien ivey. You know they make beds for that kind of activity.

For your nails: here is the number of my manicurist.

For your the neck pain. If it hurts than stop turning your neck.

"but doctor what about the aching all over? "

I think we have already covered that.

That will be $200. You can pay on the way out- of course after kissing my @ss.
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
That's it Dr. Pocono Lyme

I have to stop running those marathons before bedtime

You are a freakin God.

Do you take credit cards?
 

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Posted by Pocono Lyme (Member # 5939) on :
 
Hey Nebula,

I wouldn't pay Dr. Dana yet as she hasn't addressed your swallowing issues. I suggest you take smaller bites and chew your food thoroughly.

I believe about a year or so ago someone got that advice from a neurologist.

Dr. Dana, if I don't have to kiss your feet we can call it even OK? Too many Podi Patches, yuk.

Or you could forward it to Dr. TreePatrol to take off of my account. Do you believe him?

After reading some of these other patients' accounts, I think Jif has the same condition as Just Don, then we have COL and doesn't want to play alone, Can't is constantly winking and calls it twitching, and Dana, don't let Carol kiss your feet as part of your payment (HOT LIPS)

And Painted Turtle. I wrote down the instructions a while back and now is complaining of not receieving written material after reading it over and over. So which is it?

Just Don and Z Man, well they're busy. You Know.

And how do you like Andie and TreePatrol. The two docs want to get paid but didn't list any symptoms. Hmmmm. They didn't read the rules. Maybe Painted Turtle could read it to them over and over again. I'll bet they skipped Lyme 101 too.
 

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Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
 
Here is the doc's recommendation for Just Don:

Put the lime in the coconut and mix it all together,
Drink it all up,
And call me in the morning.


Hey doctor, why am I always tired?
Feels like my "get up and go" got up and went.

Carol
 

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Posted by trueblue (Member # 7348) on :
 
Carol ~ tired is a relative term, (if you've dealt with relatives you'd know this).

You just think you're tired based on some notion you've got in your head from reading. Don't read so much or for that matter "think of the places you get up has been."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor... I've had vague flu-like symptoms come and go for years. I always feel like I'm coming down with something but never get full blown sick. Just low grade fevers, scratchy throats and feeling run down, I don't know what's going on.

Now, in the past few months I've had numbness going down my left thigh, joint pains in my right foot and hip and my right shoulder dislocated itself while sitting in a movie. I don't know what's wrong with me.
 

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Posted by snowflake (Member # 8950) on :
 
Trueblue,

Lots of individuals come down with viruses when they get run down. You need to get more sleep and wash your hands more frequently. Try to eliminate stress from your life. Stress does amazing things to the body.

About your leg and hip problems, you probably have a pinched nerve. Go to a chiropractor for treatment of subluxation to get everything back in place. If that does not work, I will order physical therapy and we will have you running a marathon in no time!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear doctor,
Over the last year I have had daily headaches and problems concentrating at work. Now I am having difficulty with my memory and get lost easily. This past week my face went numb, I can't stick out my tongue, and I have double vision. Finally, I started having these jerking episodes that I think might be seizures. I feel like my head is going to blow up! Please help me!!

Doctor #1
Your seizures are not real seizures but I will admit you for extensive seizure testing. It will cost you $38,000 for your inpatient care and testing, sorry about that. When finished we will determine that your seizures are not real and will refer you to a psychologist for therapy so you can learn how to stop making these things up for attention. Perhaps you have an issue with child or domestic abuse and are crying out for help?

~~~~~~~~~~

I need a second opinion DOCS!!!
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
pocono Lyme

Dr. Dana here. Ok, You don't have to kiss my feet - you can kneel and kiss my ring instead.

And don't forget to massage my ego on the way out.

(from the duck) Quack Quack

[ 01. July 2006, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: 5dana8 ]
 

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Posted by painted turtle (Member # 7801) on :
 
Pocono Lyme,

I received them finally. But then I didn't remember them again. So....I challenged a synapse and I think I got it! Right now, I don't remember that I'll forget out of the blue, that's true!!


Snowflake,

I think you are spending too much time as a crystalline geometric shape of the winter season....its cold! That's likely why your face is numb.

As for sticking out your tongue, that's for children to do! Grow up!

I don't think you've had a seizure, but we can do an EEG to be sure. I don't think the glue will make your headaches any worse. All those other symptoms sound like you're drinking a lot. Are you an alcoholic? We have a 12 step program. The only other scenario I can come up with is your are a hypersensitive. This means the earth is rumbling under you in seismic activity but it is subtle and you're body is like a richter scale for it. How does that sound? Sorry though, there's no cure and nothing we can do for you other than just, well, let's just pray.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I haven't read a book in years and they are spoon feeding me simple tasks at work. It has done some real damage to my ego. Dr. Dana, can I have some of yours?

Dear Dr.

I have racking pains and fever and chills every day for months. Plus my teeth are killing me. And sometimes I'm not breathing. Can you heal me?
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Carol in PA:


Hey doctor, why am I always tired?
Feels like my "get up and go" got up and went.

Carol

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[actual statement from my former duck: "Everyone is tired! I was tired this morning, but I just WENT ON with what I was doing! Everybody has this idea that they should feel GREAT all the time!!!! ]

Mine:

Doc, I still have this awful fatigue and can't sleep without sleep meds.

[PS...My fatigue is almost non-existent....I'm lying here! ]
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Lymetoo
Don't go on vacation with anyone named LymeMomToo or you won't even sleep with sleep meds-she snores too loud !

Duck:
I'm having trouble sleeping because someone seems to leave the radio on at night. Everybody goes to bed-the house is quiet except for this music that keeps playing-and I have yet to find the damn radio!

Carol in MD
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
Carol... YOu are having music hallucinations. I guess you are going crazy.
[from the duck]
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Hey, I didn't play alone. Lymetoo didnt list a complaint.

Lets list one for her.

DIAGNOSE LYMETOO:

Lymetoo has been having nausea for several days surmounted with a massive headache. To top that off, she is having what appears to be small hemorraghes in the eyes- resembling that of Satan incarnate.

What could be wrong with Lymetoo? Anyone, diagnose her.
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Lymetoo's diagnosis-from one whose been there- HANGOVER -tooo much Lime in the Coconut, just ask LMT.
 

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Posted by lymie tony z (Member # 5130) on :
 
I knew someone would suggest I peed on my feet!

I probably did!...
I'll have to make sure my golf shoes are waterproof!

lymetoo said she is always fatigued....well that's simple...

She's online too much and has too many friends she's helping...

Instead of being up all night helping folks you should be more stingy with your time and get some sleep!
This obsession you have is probably your only problem...who do you think you are? Mother Tereasa or something?

These feeling of needing to help all the time probably stems from the fact that you're child number three in your family...the fixer syndrome!

Take some xanex,zoloft and amitryptolene and veg out somewhere so you won't keep calling me and asking what's wrong with you...I don't have time for stuff I don't know about!

I like this thread...

Hey just Don...is somebody accusing us of the ole "reach around"???

Heavens to brokeback mountain.....LOL....zman
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
If I don't quite "get" this game -don't blame me-Remember I'm just a lyme brain impersonating a duck.
But keep up the thread and may be it will click eventually and I can collect my fee- actually I charge $500. The harder it is for me to make sense of your symptoms the more I charge.
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
I have a new complaint this morning: This one is simple, even the BEST of ducks can diagnose THIS one. Listen closely

I was walking in the woods yesterday and picking flowers with my kid. We both have this RED, itchy rash all over us. The more we scratch, the more it itches.

Gee doc, what can ya gimme for this?
 

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Posted by Nebula2005 (Member # 8244) on :
 
All my patients need to join my spinning class! I just came from there and I feel great! Wooheeee! They're sick and I'm not!!!

(Remember, don't schedule any patients on Monday Wednesday or Friday between 11 and 2 so I can go to my class. Oh-and I see my massage therapist every Thursday at 3 so nothing after that either. And my broker is going to call me today at 10 so clear my schedule until 1)
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
TheCrimeOfLyme

You and your family have poison Ivy. Apply some calamine lotion as needed.

That will be $200. Each. ( I need a new sun roof for my BMW)
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Dr. Nebula-is spinning class the same as pole dancing? Cause I hear you can get a rash from that ,too !

Dr. Duck:
I scream and holler at my husband all the time so he doesn't come home much.

I scream and holler at my kids all the time, but they just scream and holler back.

I scream and holler at my co-workers,too-One day I went into work feeling indispensible, the next day my supervisor put me out on disability.

Please don't scream and holler at me and tell me I am a "difficult patient".

Do I have SFS ? Short Fuse Syndrome?

Meek and Mild in Md.
 

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Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
CarolB:

You yell all the time huh? I think you have
inability to whisper or talk rationally syndrome. There is a treatment for it- electrical shock. It's a very common disorder.

I offer it here. The fee is 1000.00 per treatment, and you will need 10 of them. Our office handles financing through various loan companies.

Doctor:
I know you gave me antidepressants for my non relenting headache, but they have gotten worse. Im now running fevers of 103.00 on a cyclic basis. I just feel like something is wrong with me.
HELP
 

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Posted by NP40 (Member # 6711) on :
 
Doctor:
I know you gave me antidepressants for my non relenting headache, but they have gotten worse. Im now running fevers of 103.00 on a cyclic basis. I just feel like something is wrong with me.
HELP

Crimelyme, you've certainly come to the right place. I'm going to run a battery of unneccessary tests, scans, MRI's, spinals and lab works to get my kickbac...........err........to rule out anything major.

Secondly, my Big Pharma rep came in today with a bribe.........err............a strong recommendation on a new prescription med which may help you enormously.

A lethal mix of ritalin/vioxx/prozac should have you back in "Stepford" mode in no time. Obviously, you're suffering from "Housewife" disease. Fevers are commonly associated with lack of sexual response to your husbands needs. Making your children clean their rooms and eat a decent meal are commonly associated with headaches. Why do you insist on being such a nag to your family ?

In reality, your biggest problem is "Munchausen by Proxy". You're a worry wart/hypochondriac. I'll be following up to make sure you continue taking your strong cocktail of meds to initiate the stupifying effects you so cravenly need.

Hey doc, my joints are really painful, I have a sore throat and I get these eye floaters all the time. Any help ?
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Funny- my therapist actually suggested electrical shock for real-just three days ago ! So you are right on !

I told her all I needed was a hole in the head and did she have a shotgun? She didn't think that was very funny. I was just trying to shock HER.

I think they already tried to suck my brains out with an MRI recently. Maybe it was just my imagination. Then again-maybe they succeeded!

You're good at this game C of L.

We need an outlet for the insanity that is Lyme Disease.

Dear Duck:
I fall down a lot. My co-workers call it the Pluto Dance the way my arms and legs go flying. Feels like I am skating on ice with patent leather shoes.
And sometimes I don't know which way to turn the pages in a book-is it right to left or left to right?
Could this be related to Lyme Disease?

Your too frequent patient,
Carol
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Patient NP40:Hey doc, my joints are really painful, I have a sore throat and I get these eye floaters all the time. Any help ?

Duck: You want pain? go to an orthopedic duck and get some cortisone shots for those joints.
Stop screaming and hollering at me cause I'm not listening anyway and maybe your throat won't be so sore.
As for the floaters-sit back and relax and pretend they are part of a video game-see if you can move them to the top of your vision-that's what I do, mostly when I am driving.

Don't forget to pay on the way out-that's $200 per symptom. Anything else????
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by lymie tony z:

lymetoo said she is always fatigued....well that's simple...
----------------------------------
This obsession you have is probably your only problem...who do you think you are? Mother Tereasa or something?

These feeling of needing to help all the time probably stems from the fact that you're child number three in your family...the fixer syndrome!

---

OH MY GOSH!!! How did you know I'm the third and last kid in my family!!??? Guilty as charged!!

COL....I really do get this game...I was trying to help two people at once. Oops, Mother Teresa again!

Carol....I think you've got it now!!

OK...now I forgot the last person needing help....ARRRGGH!! May have to go back and start over now.

==============================

Carol...This falling down stuff needs to stop. Maybe you need some orthotics. They will help make you more stable on your feet.

NO! You don't have Lyme disease!! Everybody thinks they have LYME disease!! It's delusional parasitosis!!

Yes, you're in here too frequently!!! I like the money, but you really need to allow others to see me too! Let's be more compassionate for others, OK!!??
-------------------------------------

Dear Dr
I keep feeling like I'm going to faint [old symptom]. I've only fainted twice, but I feel like I'm going to several times a day.

Please help!
 

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Posted by painted turtle (Member # 7801) on :
 
Lyme Tutu,

You have a case of hysteria.

Take a yoga class.

Dr,

I called my apartment management office to day to ask for a service request and when she asked me for my phone number, I suddenly did not know it.

Do you think I should just call myself more often?
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Lymetoo-You are an OCD shopper and spend too much time in flourescent lighting which brings on NMH.

Try gardening and raising chickens. Chasing chickens is good exercise and gardening will keep you out of the grocery store and under the healing benefits of natural sunlight.

But always do a check for ticks after gardening. You might get Lyme Disease and then I would have to put you on antibiotics for THREE WHOLE WEEKS.

And you thought I was a DUCK. Shows how much you know.

Actually don't worry about Lyme Disease-you don't live in an endemic area anyways.

Sincerely, Dr. Wool over my Eyes.

--------------------------------------------------
Dr. Run Around,
I have to pee all the time-and it hurts when I do and when I don't. And my honeymoon was 20 years ago. So don't go there.

This all started a month after Dr. Wool over his Eyes treated me for Lyme Disease. He knows a lot about lyme disease because he follows the IDSA guidlines.
So what do YOU think? Should I just buy more stock in POISE ?

Bladder Babe
 

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Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Painted Turtle- Did you just have your phone installed ? Sounds like short term memory loss. Wait three years and call them back.

I think you have Stupiditis-you're a TURTLE and live in your own trailer. or did you forget that,too.

Actually I don't care what you have as long as you remember to pay the bill.
 

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Posted by Carol in PA (Member # 5338) on :
 
Carol B, you are a genious!

That's that's what I have, is "stupiditis."

I would never have known, if you hadn't said the word.
(Have trouble remembering specific words.)

I'm running out of money for your fee....would you be willing to take some catalog items that I ordered and have been too fatigued to return?

~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Duck,
I'm too tired to clean my house.

Help.

Signed,
Lazy in Lancaster
 

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Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
Thanks Dr Wool Over my Eyes,
That must be it! Can I pay you in chickens??

-----------------------

Tired?
Take two aspirins and call me in the morning!
Dr Smart**s

----------------------

Dr,
Can you tell me why I have headaches all the time? I have night sweats and chills too. Oh, and sometimes my heart does flip flops and beats too fast. What's wrong with me??
 

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Posted by 5dana8 (Member # 7935) on :
 
"Doctor...Doctor...

Give me the news....

I got a bad case of lyme...

and it's given me the blues..."
 

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Posted by cantgiveupyet (Member # 8165) on :
 
aww lymetoo it seems to me you have a crush on Dr wool over his eyes. Now dear please try to calm down all those flip flops of your heart are not good....and those sweats are not good...you are loosing lots of salt with thos sweats.

Go home and get some rest, clean the house or watch some soap operas...anything to keep your mind off of Dr wool over his eyes. Oh and your secret is safe with me
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by 5dana8:
"Doctor...Doctor...

Give me the news....

I got a bad case of lyme...

and it's given me the blues..."

---

What do you have to be depressed about? YOu have a husband, a home, children, food on the table....how could you possibly be depressed?

Take two PRozac and call me in the morning.

DR Smart**s

-----------------------------------------

No, I don't have a crush on dr Wool....I just happen to know he likes chickens!

=====================================

Dr,

I can't seem to find my glasses. It seems that I lose them almost everyday now. And if it's not my glasses that are missing, it's my KEYS!! I think I'm losing my mind!! What could be wrong??
 

---

Posted by Nal (Member # 6801) on :
 
Hey Lymetoo. Cant find your glasses and think you are losing your mind? Hmmmm..... is your husband in the military by chance? If so, you are suffering from "Military Wife Syndrome". If not, do you stay at home? If so, its "Housewife Syndrome".

However, if you work outside the home then its "Too dam busy all the time" syndrome.

Either way, you have a syndrome. Could also be CRS syndrome "Cant remember s..."

Lets try you on some wacked out antidepressants that will really make you feel nuts and also pet therapy-that should take care of the problem.

Call me in a couple days if things get worse. Dont worry, I won't call you back and I still won't really care even if I do see you in my office again for this same problem.

By the way, you look great!!!

Dr Thumb in my butt.


Ok, my turn:

Dr Nuts....

I woke up the other day with terrible skin burning pain in my arms, legs and hands along with tingling. I just moved here to VA a couple weeks ago. Im scared, what do you think could be going on??

Nancy
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Office hours are over- call back again tomorrow at this time.
 

---

Posted by tabbytamer (Member # 3159) on :
 
Nancy,

Too easy. Your suffering from inflammatory neuropathy of the extremities. Also known as moving-too-many-boxes syndrome. Next time, hire a mover.

Now, if you want a real reason to be scared, take a closer look at my Diplomas. They were printed at the Kinkos on the corner.

*****

Dr. Duck,

I have zero energy. Some days can't even get out my front door. What do you recommend?
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
Mrs Tabby....weren't you listening earlier? This is the ANSWER!

"[actual statement from my former duck: "Everyone is tired! I was tired this morning, but I just WENT ON with what I was doing! Everybody has this idea that they should feel GREAT all the time!!!! ]

Now, if you had fever or something, then I could dx you with CFS! So, get with the program!!

DR Smart**s

============================

Carol, still laughing about the dr's hours....and Nancy...still laughing about most everything you said!!
===========================

Dr,
I think I have Lyme disease. Could you run a Western Blot for me?
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by 5dana8:
Quack... quack...There really should be a duck icon on here somewhere.

---

 

---

Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Tabby:

You say you don't have enough energy to make it to the front door?

use the back. Btw , when was your last rectal exam ( a doc actually asked me this.. when I was having headaches)
 

---

Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Lymetoo:

What possibly makes you think you have Lyme's disease? were you bit by a mouse? Were you petting deer? ( I got asked that one!)

Do you feed stray animals? I mean really, these are the only ways you can come in contact with any type of tick.

And just by the mere chance that a mouse that bit you, a deer you pet, or a stray you fed DID have ticks, it wasn't the right type of tick.

I know that because Missouri doesnt HAVE ticks that cause lyme disease.

You are antibiotic seeking malingerer. I'll do a lobotomy just to make sure.


LOL Someone go next- post a complaint.
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by TheCrimeOfLyme:
I know that because Missouri doesnt HAVE ticks that cause lyme disease.

You are antibiotic seeking malingerer. I'll do a lobotomy just to make sure.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nebula2005:
This job would be great if it weren't for all the patients. "I'm sick, I'm sick bla bla bla whine whine whine."

---

Boy, Dr Nebula....You're a BIG help!
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Just Don-In case you really aren't "out of here" Can't tell if you were truly offended or not.

Have to admit I was a bit shocked myself. Don't take it personally-consider the source and they were probably just jealous.

And remember- you are more than JUST Don.

Carol
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Dr. Quack-N,
Come work at Johns Hopkins-we don't get any Lyme Patients here, but we do get a lot of gun shot wounds.

Much more rewarding work. Patching up drug dealers so they can go back out on the streets and get shot again.

You're Welcome
 

---

Posted by Nal (Member # 6801) on :
 
You know, I still feel you all have fibromyalgia. We don't know what that is really, cant completely diagnose it, but thats what you have.

Heck, Ill buy that diagnosis for all of you ANY DAY before I will even remotely try to read the Igenx lab results that come in.

What are all the +'s for anyway??? The results are too long. I don't have time to read and interpret results like that. I need to get to my kickboxing class.

I have pressed on your fibro points on your body. Those brought on pain. BOOM-fibro I tell ya. Better than me trying to read some stupid lab results!

-- Dr Knows nothing.


Nancy


My stomach still burns-every day of my life. Im on acid blockers. What could be causing this?
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
"My stomach still burns-every day of my life. Im on acid blockers. What could be causing this? "

Duck:
Quit your belly aching and give me that sword. I thought I told you to give up on joining the circus as a sword swallower.

And how is that addiction to jalapenos going? Have you joined JA yet? Really,I can't help you if you are still in denial.

Got Milk?
 

---

Posted by lymie tony z (Member # 5130) on :
 
Gee tutu,
I'm surprised at you...did'nt you know MD after my name is the same as being GOD!??

Heck it was easy to know you were the third child...for God...

Sorry Don...I don't know...maybe I was just in a raunchey mood...but hey I THOUGHT it was funny...if my diagnosis was wrong...
You probably got the carpal tunnel from typing too much on your computer and filling your head with all the medical nonsense on all those medical websites...
MD God.....
 

---

Posted by lymelighter2 (Member # 6953) on :
 
This is Dr. Duck here, Lymetoo's diagnosis:

Her nausea x several days is a psychosematic reaction to the previous physician's bill. However, for $4,372 dollars I can provide you with a complete workup, designed to add yet more stress to your overstressed hypochondriasis.

But then again, maybe you have a virus. You can go to your pharmacy and buy some over-the-counter drugs that may or may not do anything for you, but I will still bill you the $4,372 dollars because my house payment and my malpractice insurance is way overdue.

The massive headaches are caused by your desire to have peace and happiness in your life, and the new hobby you just took up, which was standing on your head for lengthy periods of time to increase the blood flow.

That practice, is actually a manifestation of your supressed emotional inadequecies from your childhood brought about by your evil twin cousins manipulating mealtimes during summer camp of 1963, which caused you to be denied that extra slice of lemon marengue pie, which now makes you suffer from a lack of self-esteem.

If you stop standing on your head, the blood will not leak out of your eyeballs, causing the Satanic imagery that is actually a manifestation of the fact that you stole communion wafers in the third grade and never told anyone about it, nor did you tell them you played ouija one night at age 14.

Those activities have brought about a major depression that needs to be treated with anti-depressants and thirteen years of psychotherapy. After you complete these 633 forms of pre-admission testing, we'll put you through seven psychological profiles, personality tests, and a litmus test to see if your blood is alkaline or acidic---perhaps Satan has influenced you in some manner. Please turn your head 360 degrees and cough.

Or perhaps you have optic-rectumitis, which is a disease that gives you a shi*ty outlook on life.

That'll be $4,372 please, see my receptionist on the way out, we don't take credit, medicare or insurance, but you can donate your limbs or organs for medical science and we'll remove them for a fee too. By the way, don't expect me to hold your hand every time you think you have something wrong with you.

-------------

Doc: I have pains in my knee joints, my left ring finger and my eyes don't focus except on alternate Tuesdays. I have dizziness and can't fall asleep and stay asleep. On top of that, my hair hurts. What should I do?
 

---

Posted by Nebula2005 (Member # 8244) on :
 
Lymelighter

Your ring finger hurts due to repressed aggression against your ex-husband who tells me you're a real b*tch. Try to be nicer.

Your eye problems, hair and joint pains are from bowing down to me and hitting your head against the floor. You can stop now.

Which one of you said I'm not much help? Where did you get your medical degree?

It doesn't matter if I'm helpful or even competent because there's a doctor shortage and even if I lose patients, there's always more where those came from.

I have problems too, you know. My office assistant just quit even though I always made a point of flirting with her. I paid her well, too--$8 an hour.

(By the way, my vote for the best diagnosis goes to your "optic-rectumitis." Pure genius.)

Okay ducks--here's mine:

I keep seeing colored shapes and stars when I close my eyes. And my toes get these cramps and stick straight out all hard like. I keep bumping into walls and I don't remember where I left my purse. Can you help me doc?
 

---

Posted by lymelighter2 (Member # 6953) on :
 
Nebula...Dr. Quack-like-a-duck here.
---------
Your diagnosis is incorrect, as my exhubby thinks all women are b*tches. Maybe if you'd stop hitting yourself over your own head with your purse (hint---its in your hands---do you lose your eyeglasses too when they are on your face???)

The colored shapes and stars you see are from the optical burn-in on the backs of your retinas that you got from digging through the lucky charms box for your medical degree. At least I got mine from one of those "get your degree" programs that emailed me late at night---just an application fee and I graduated!!!

I think if you wore well-fitting shoes instead of those army boots your mother leant you, you'd walk straighter and avoid hitting those walls.

Or maybe you're prone to self-mutilation, because you can't find enough patients to misdiagnose and you have too much time on your hands...

----------

Docs, I have a twitchy shoulder, food allergies and I walk on an angle like one of those batman shows. What should I do?
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nebula2005:

Which one of you said I'm not much help? Where did you get your medical degree?

---

That would be ME!! I got my degree at Lymenet....and I also stayed at the Holiday Inn Express for good measure!

Lymelighter....that twitchy shoulder is from telling too many lies! Kind of like the Pinnochio syndrome!

The food allergies are from eating food. Stop that!

Walking on an angle?? One leg is shorter than the other. Get some shoes with a lift for the shorter leg.

Your bill is $2,000.
 

---

Posted by meg (Member # 22) on :
 
Docs, I have a twitchy shoulder, food allergies and I walk on an angle like one of those batman shows. What should I do?
***************************************************

You are either extremely ill, or not.
(actual ducky response, enlightening isnt it?)
I suggest you stop watching Batman and wishing you were in the movies--walking on an angle will make you walk into walls, then you'll really be needing my services.

Twitching? Which movie did you see twitching in?

You may need testosterone--or a hobby.
***************************************
Dr. Ducky--I have hair loss, and swollen glands....
 

---

Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Meg,

YOu have swollen glands and hair loss, correct? Now, are you actually losing the hair on your glands, or do you have a general sense of losing your hair

while at the same time sporting swollen glands? In any case, there I'm not understanding the relationship between the two as hair loss and swollen glands in my medical text book have no medical nor casual connection whatsoever. Thus,

I conclude by flipping through the psychology index of my handy dandy medical textbook that

you must be suffering from some paranoid delusions grandeur.

So, now that I have given you a small inkling that I don't believe a symptom you are telling me, it's best to refrain from further

complaint as it may cause me to break out my handy dandy pen and ink your medical records for life with my final diagnosis:

depression , stage II, whereas the patients believe they are losing hair and glands. Or was that where they are losing glands and have swelling hair?

In any instance, get out. Swollen glands and hair loss mean nothing together. Had you mentioned it in two different appointments thereby making MY wallet fuller

then I'd say thyroiditis.

Dr. Giggles
 

---

Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Someone go next
 

---

Posted by HEATHERKISS (Member # 6789) on :
 
Hi Dr. Giggles I have been so sick and tired.

I can barely work. My hands and knees are killing me. I can barely grip the steering wheel of my truck.

My skin hurts. Can you test me for poison? I feel like something is eating my muscles.

Thanks for making me wait six weeks before seeing me.

What do you think I have? Can you run a million blood tests thru quest? They are a superb lab.
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Hello-if it isn't Crybaby again.

Sick and tired? Well I'm sick and tired of you, too.
Te he,

Why else do you think I made you wait six weeks? te he

You say you can barely work but you sure do seem to be able to drag your sorry butt into my office often enough. te he

Since you're having a hard time gripping the steering wheel, here's a script for some crazy glue- you can have it filled on the way out.I only mark it up 200% for patients with your condition. te he
You know where to stick it. Te he

Before I test you for poison -put this arscenic on your salad,then go immediately to Quest-you might get there in time for it to test positive.te he, thereby improving their percentage of correct diagnosis. te he

Stop chewing on your leg and maybe it won't feel like something is eating your muscles. Te he

Lose 200 pounds and maybe your skin won't hurt. Te He

Come back and see me in six MONTHS. Te HE
Then you'll be even more grateful to see me. Te He

You're looking Good.
How am I looking? Te He
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
I want to make an appointment to see another MD. Dr. Giggles just gets on my nerves with all his Te he's.

My back hurts , especially when I am sitting at the computer trying to find out what's really wrong with me.

And it's hard for me to lift my left leg, no make that right leg, when I'm trying to get into the car to drive.

There's a crackling noise when I turn my neck or shift my left shoulder.

The face on my skin is sagging so much it looks like my eyeballs are going to fall out. What's holding them in anyway? And my mouth is always drooped in a frown. My daughter says I look scary.

Thanks for at least looking concerned-it gives me a false sense of security.
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
Carol, For gosh sakes.....anything else you want to complain about??

-----------------------------------------

I want to make an appointment to see another MD. Dr. Giggles just gets on my nerves with all his Te he's.
well, here's Dr Smart**s to the rescue!
My back hurts , especially when I am sitting at the computer trying to find out what's really wrong with me.
Get off the *&%$ computer!! Can't you find anything else to do??
And it's hard for me to lift my left leg, no make that right leg, when I'm trying to get into the car to drive.
You sound like a dog here. GEt your husband to drive you.
There's a crackling noise when I turn my neck or shift my left shoulder.
Don't turn your head to the left.
The face on my skin is sagging so much it looks like my eyeballs are going to fall out. What's holding them in anyway? And my mouth is always drooped in a frown.
Must be something you're eating.

My fee is $1000....discount for dummies.
 

---

Posted by lymelighter2 (Member # 6953) on :
 
CarolB

We ducks LOVE the internet, because our whiny patients self-diagnose and then come and see us and pay us the big bucks.

Tell your daughter to get off your back and while you're at it, take down all the mirrors in your house. If you think you're ugly, then you're depressed, here's a script for that. Or, I can refer you to my golf buddy the plastic surgeon and for $10,000 he can make you look like Angelina Jolie.

As for you lifting your legs and pain--You have obsessive compulsive bandonitis--so I'd recommend you join a marching band to work on that compulsion. Ritalin and amitryptilene help with that neurological disorder....but I won't spend any time actually examining you, I have another sixteen patients booked for 1:00 and I have to leave early today to attend a stamp convention.

The crackling noise you hear when you turn your neck or shift your left shoulder is caused by the saran wrap you wear instead of a raincoat. Use Reynolds' wrap instead.

I can't do anything about your sagging face, see my associate. Your eyeballs, if they indeed fall out, can be donated to medical science for a fee. I can recommend a plastic surgeon for replacement artificial glass eyes.

And your daughter is right, you DO look scarey.
------------------
Dr. Duck a la orange:
I have cramps in my toes and my hair only stays parted one way. In the mornings I can't seem to find my shoes and I forget what I am doing. Can you help me?
 

---

Posted by meg (Member # 22) on :
 
Hi Dr. Giggles I have been so sick and tired.
I can barely work. My hands and knees are killing me. I can barely grip the steering wheel of my truck.

My skin hurts. Can you test me for poison? I feel like something is eating my muscles.
Thanks for making me wait six weeks before seeing me.

What do you think I have? Can you run a million blood tests thru quest? They are a superb lab.
*********************
Dr. Duck:
You're skin hurts? I'll have to send you to a dermatologist for that.
Please pay on the way out.
*********************
Dr. Duck a la orange:
I have cramps in my toes and my hair only stays parted one way. In the mornings I can't seem to find my shoes and I forget what I am doing. Can you help me?
********************
Dr. Duck:
I'll have to send you to a podiatrist for those toes and a hairdresser for your hair. No one knows what they're doing in the mornings anyway, that's why I do surgeries at that time of day.
Please pay on the way out.
********************
Or, I can refer you to my golf buddy the plastic surgeon and for $10,000 he can make you look like Angelina Jolie.
********
Meg: I'd wash cars to make the $10,000 for THAT!
 

---

Posted by TheCrimeOfLyme (Member # 4019) on :
 
Dear Doctor,
By dominance I am right handed but my right hand occassionally tweaks out and slaps my left. On top of that, when I exhale breath refuses to come out my nose, only my ears and the most annoying thing of

all is that my shoulders are burning from the inside out.

HELP
 

---

Posted by tanzi2u (Member # 9237) on :
 
Dr. Duck a la orange:
I have cramps in my toes and my hair only stays parted one way. In the mornings I can't seem to find my shoes and I forget what I am doing. Can you help me?

Lymelighter2, I am sorry but your symptoms are too subjective. We cannot diagnose unless there is an objective reason to do so. So we will need 18 vials of blood drawn. It wouldn't hurt for you to see a psychologist to get a handle on your subjective problems. She can see you in 3 weeks.

Cramps in your toes could be rheumatological, therefore you need to see that specialist, but the earliest appointment I could make it for is 8 weeks away.

I also want you to see a neurologist. You only need to wait 9 weeks for him.

However, as many specialists are, they will only rubber stamp my diagnosis anyway, but will charge your insurance top dollar to do so.

Be that as it may, your forgetting things may be serious, so you will also need to see a neuropsycholgist, but you'll have to wait 7 months to play their fun games.

But you still have this strange rash on your back from the last time I saw you...maybe a dermatologist can figure out what it is. Even though that appointment isn't for 5 months, if it fades away by then, you can always cancel.

Good luck, and let me know what they say.

(PS. The wait times for the specialists are real.)

*******
Dear Duck,
The dermatologist says he's never seen stretch-mark rash like this before. Usually stretch marks fade to silvery lines, this one doesn't. The pathology reports that something is going on, but they don't know what.

All the other tests don't turn up much of anything.I still feel like crap...now what?
 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
What is it you say ?- you still feel like carp-even after I told you to stop spending all your time in the fish pond?

Well, I can't really tell you what to do, but I will anyway- stretch marks just mean you grew faster than your skin-try sleeping in shrink wrap.

-----------------------------------------------------
My toenails turn purple, but my fingernails stay pink. How can I wear sandals when my fingernails and toenails don't match? People tell me I am uncoordinated. Is that what they mean?
 

---

Posted by Nebula2005 (Member # 8244) on :
 
Dr. Nebulous here--

To Carol B

You are perfectly normal. All women have self-image problems. You might try a low-fat, low-salt diet. Here's a sample of Viagra for your husband.

That will be $100. (because it was only a one minute appointment. As usual, I'm running an hour late.)

************************

My keyboard is shorting out because I've laughed so hard I've cried at these questions and answers.
 

---

Posted by northstar (Member # 7911) on :
 
"Dear Duck,
The dermatologist says he's never seen stretch-mark rash like this before. Usually stretch marks fade to silvery lines, this one doesn't. The pathology reports that something is going on, but they don't know what.
All the other tests don't turn up much of anything.I still feel like crap...now what? "
==========

Ms T-2, often ve see ztrange markz on our bodiez dat zeem to occur overnight.

Ze anzwer iz zimply zelf-mutilation. Vare ze glovez ven you retire zo you dont zcratch ze body.

How eez your marriage?

Alzo, zee a counzelor for deeze problem, zince you feel like crop about it.

Dr. A. Psych Wannabe , M.D.
Offices of Knowitall & Wannabe
 

---

Posted by northstar (Member # 7911) on :
 
"Dear Doctor,
By dominance I am right handed but my right hand occassionally tweaks out and slaps my left. On top of that, when I exhale breath refuses to come out my nose, only my ears and the most annoying thing of
all is that my shoulders are burning from the inside out.
HELP"
=============
Mz COL:

My my my, ve muzt ztop putting beanz up our noze! Ze one hand iz zubconzciouly punizhing ze udder.

Exhaling through ze ears? Hmmm, very interezting perception.

But, ze anzwer is....

Zimple!

Zore zhoulders? It iz from zlappin and zticking beans in der noztrils!

I refer you to my brotter, Dr. Knowitall zince he took 2 undergraduate general pschy courses 40 yearz ago, and I only took 1.

Dr. A. Psch Wannabe, M.D.
Offices of Knowitall and Wannabe
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
DR Wannabe! You're cracking me up!!! Haven't I met you before!?
 

---

Posted by tabbytamer (Member # 3159) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lymetoo:
========================================
DR,
I keep waking up during the night. Can you help me?? [/QB]

---

Dear Sleepless in TX:

try this:



********

Dear Doctor:

I have this red rash on my tummy the size of a Kansas crop circle. There's a black bug stuck in the center sucking my blood. I feel weak, feverish, achy, and my head feels like its going to explode. Oh, and I just came back from Lyme, Conn.

What could this be?
 

---

Posted by meg (Member # 22) on :
 
Dear Doctor:

I have this red rash on my tummy the size of a Kansas crop circle. There's a black bug stuck in the center sucking my blood. I feel weak, feverish, achy, and my head feels like its going to explode. Oh, and I just came back from Lyme, Conn.

What could this be?
*******************

Dr Quackers:
Its just a mole with ringworm around it.....it will go away.

 

---

Posted by Carol B (Member # 9110) on :
 
Dr. Quackers- But I treated my lawn for moles so I thought they already had gone away!

And now that I look closer at this ringworm-I see it's really a hoola hoop-wanna try it?
 

---

Posted by Lymetoo (Member # 743) on :
 
It's either a mole, ringworm, or brown recluse spider bite...Pick one and call me in the morning!
 

---

Posted by lymelighter2 (Member # 6953) on :
 
Dr. Duck a l'orange here:

I have this red rash on my tummy the size of a Kansas crop circle. There's a black bug stuck in the center sucking my blood. I feel weak, feverish, achy, and my head feels like its going to explode. Oh, and I just came back from Lyme, Conn.

What makes you think you have a rash? I don't see anything. Perhaps you are having hallucinations. You must be suffering from temporal lobe seizures. Here's an anti-seizure medication--no wait, I have some sample packs you can try from my pharmaceutical cronies who just dropped off a free year's supply for me to hand out like candy.

As far as crop circles, you are imagining those too. I can have my partner psychoanalyze you for your belief in UFO's. His number is 555-DUCK. Call him so I get a referral kickback--err fee from your insurance provider.

That is not a bug on your stomach, that is chocolate syrup. Take a bath once in awhile.

While I cannot do anything about your poor choice of vacation spots, I can suggest you try some place warm--have you tried Cancun? I have one of my summer homes there that my patients have paid for with their imaginery illnesses.

If your head explodes, be sure and call my office and set up an appointment. But only call between the hours of 8 am and 8:15 am because we go to lunch at 8:15 and then we're out until 4:15 and we close at 4:30. And there is a 3-year wait for new patients. So you could always dial 9-1-1 or see your primary care physician instead.

Do I need to write you a referral?
See the front desk on the way out so they can bill you for your aggravation.

I have another stamp convention to attend and will be out for the next 3 days.
 

---