Topic: how bad can depression get?? or is this herx??
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
ok, now ya'll don't pick on me. i already feel lower than a snake's butt in a wagon wheel rut, so be nice...
here i am sitting on my couch and squalling my big green eyes out.
i have my dog's cremation box, her blue stuffed kitty and collar, and pictures of my mom. now you know how much i loved my mother.
mike is gone as usual. he's off flying today.
God, i just miss my mom so much. i called her every single day, ran my cell phone down. i talked to her all the time. even my sisters said i talked to mom more than they did.
why didn't i stay at christmas when i knew she was so sick? she wouldn't have fallen in the garage if i had been there. i could have told mike to go to texas himself that i was staying period.
and i miss my baby. she was with me everywhere, she slept with me, ate with me, watched tv and changed the channel when she didn't like what i was watching.
i'm tired of being sick, tired of trying everything, tired of that damn doctor and his snooty nurse. i'm tired of being told i'm old, i'm only 61. i'm tired of rude people who don't know anything.
i do thank the Lord that i really don't have money problems. the only problem i have is mike spending it. i'm a total cheapo. i don't buy unless it's absolutely necessary. ok, the new car was because he sold my old one.
God, i hate myself. i hate being weak. i used to be so much more. have a beautiful apartment, lots of girlfriends, a job i loved, a boss i liked....
where did i go? what happened to me? how did i get like this?
and don't say go on antidepressant. i've tried them...don't work and i ain't gonna take them. they made me feel absolutely numb, nothing.
does anybody ever feel like this? i know, doc, it's the diflucan talking.
believe me, this horse ain't a pig
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Hugs to you randi... I would say it's the Diflucan talking.
You're a tough cookie.. . not a weak one!!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
Randibear Thank you for sharing so touchingly and openly with us. It is not weakness to be vulnerable. It is strength.
Tears are a gift. They clear our mental and emotional field so we can be more objective.
Let yourself cry and grieve. Hold yourself, hug yourself and be extra good to yourself!
Lots of nurture. Lots of soul food as I like to call it. Do you have any favorite books or movies that cheer you up? Myself I Love looking at pics of flowers or mountains or other lovely things.
Sometimes a bit of sunshine can help. Vitamin D can help depression. Think of people in Iceland who get depressed during the dark times of the year. Sun is an aid.
I know someone who pulled out of a depression when she used a light box, ordered by her doctor.
And don't be afraid to ask your friends locally for hugs and support. We all go through times when we need it.
Anybody who is not there for you or who is "Downed" by what you are going through, is not a real friend. They need to wake up and learn. Life is all about supporting each other. None goes his way alone, we all will see someone who has walked the same path ahead of us. And, they come out on the other side, into the sunshine.
Take extra good care of your body right now. Lots of nourishing foods, deeply nourishing.
Please take extra good care of yourself. We are so sorry for your losses and we will all be thinking of you.
Sincerely, CI ps as for the thought that you could have been there to catch your mom when she fell, I really feel for you. Truly I have thought similar things in other situations.
But do you know, the truth really is that you can't be there the second it happens, not every time and at every moment.
Even if you were there, you couldn't stop the process that took her to the other side of life. (I do believe in life after life myself, but whatever anyone else believes is fine too).
No matter what, even if you caught her, you could most likely not have saved her. As tragic as it is.
Please don't blame yourself. It's a collassal headtrip we all are inclined to put on ourselves, but think how unfair this is. Your mom would not want you to think that way for yourself. She would want you supporting yourself and being as positive as you could. Don't hurt yourself with blame, my friend. Blame is almost *always* irrational. Think about it.
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
PS I love the cognitive therapy book by David Burns, MD titled The Feeling Good Handbook. It has a section on depression (though what you are describing sounds more like genuine grief than depression. And a handful of self-blame, but we all are inclined to think similar thoughts in these situations. You are anything but alone).
This book has hands-on exercises you can do to help yourself feel better and see things in a balanced perspective. To identify thought distortions in our heads that lead to self-beratement or depression can really help. A lot!
This book has it all patterned out in charts and it can be so helpful just to see the patterns.
Maybe you can get the book from the library and if you like it, you can get it from Amazon. It has been a great tool to me at times when things got rough. And the tools in it help with coping skills in life, just overall. Wonderful book!
I will wish you very well wtih this. Take your time to grieve. It takes time, but it will pass. All things pass, and nothing is permanent under the sun.
And please don't be alone. reach out to friends. Isolation is a killer when it comes to depression.
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