Topic: When spouse gives up on you :( *warning..depressing pity party*
IckyTicky
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 21466
posted
I live 1000 miles away from my parents and twin sister. I have my husband and three children, ages 17, 10 and 8. All of them have LD and co-infections as well. The youngest with learning and behavior issues.
My husband, when I was finally diagnosed 3 years ago, was at first extremely unsupportive. First he didn't believe that anything was wrong...then he was mad that my kids got LD, probably from me, and mad that there was always something wrong with me.
I couldn't be a good wife, a good mother, a good home schooling mom, a good housekeeper.
He is the only one who can work, and medical expenses have put us so far into debt that we just can't crawl out of it.
For awhile he did a complete turnaround and became supportive, told me we would do everything possible to get us all well. And I did get better for awhile. But now that I've had such severe sciatic nerve pain for the past several months... he has had it.
He no longer asks how I feel. No longer wants to know where it hurts. No longer tries to find a way to help. My foot was hurting so badly the other day and I asked him to massage it... all I got was a big sigh and a look that said "why me?".
And can I blame him? How awful it must be for him to have a wife who is constantly in pain, can't keep the house clean, can't teach the kids properly, can't tolerate loud noise or physical touch, is always either depressed or ill tempered due to unrelenting pain and a is huge drain on very limited finances.
I've tried chiropractic, acupuncture, exercise. The other LD symptoms I could deal with for the most part, and most got better with tx... but this pain!
I can't take narcotics, because then I couldn't continue to teach our children, which is extremely important to our family. I already want to sleep all the time as it is. And now I'm depressed and short tempered not only due to pain...but because the one person in my life who is suppose to be committed to me is so very weary of dealing with me and my pain.
I'm 33 years old. And I feel utterly useless and alone.
If anyone can tell me this pain can go away... now would be a good time to do so. Sorry to be such a bummer.
-------------------- IGM: 18+, 23+, 30+, 31+++, 34+, 39IND, 41++, 58+++, 66+, 83-93IND IGG: 31+, 39IND, 41+ Also positive for Mycoplasma Pneumoniae and RMSF. Whole family of 5 dx with Lyme. Posts: 1014 | From Texas | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I feel your pain, chick. My family let me down big time and that was the end of them.
All I can say is keep trying new things. I don't know what my problems are - I don't know if they are even Lyme. I gradually found the right diet and supplements that allowed me to live a lot happier and get things moving.
I still miss the cheeky young man I was, but life is never easy.
-------------------- Live in hope Posts: 7 | From Uk | Registered: Feb 2011
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I am in the same exact spot as you! I am 3000 miles away from my home. I moved to europe after i got married from MD and i have absoulety no support here and no LLMD as of yet.
I have been hit hard with a lyme attack and i have been down and more than my disease its' the part of having no support from my husband that made me more mental.
He would blow up whenever i cried and said i don't feel good. Always made me believe its my fault that i am not getting better because i don't do this or that.
Just no support. I wish i could say something to make you feel better but i am all alone in this! at least back home i had my mother to support when i was down.
One thing i don't have which you have is 3 kids who have LD that must be over whelming as well.
-------------------- May God Bless you, answer your prayers, relieve you of your pain and make you stronger than what you are today. Ameen. Posts: 341 | From Columbia, MD | Registered: Jan 2009
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i feel so sorry for all of us with non-supportive spouses.
i've lived with abuse from a husband who believes lyme is a "woman's excuse to be sick". and other such comments for years.
so i just died emotionally. i feel nothing for him.
why do i stay? i have a roof over my head, food to eat, and he's gone most of the time so i have some peace and quiet.
we live separate lives.
i can except that.
i just can't accept feeling so crappy and being in pain all the time. it sucks...
if it wasn't for this board, i'd go stark raving nuts.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
icky.. my hands are hurting .. so this is brief..
I pray that things get better for you soon ... one ray of hope:
I have suffered from sciatica for about 8-9 yrs. I know your pain. Horrible!
About a yr ago I began working out on an elliptical machine. You sit down while working out. I began slowly and worked my way up.
I no longer have many attacks of severe pain! Believe me, even *I* am shocked and of course....... elated!
It has strengthened my lower back. If you can't find a machine like that .. maybe PT would help??
I can send you a link to show you what it looks like.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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lymeinhell
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4622
posted
The sciatic pain can and does go away. People do get better, sometimes the path to wellness is just a bigger puzzle than others.
The family stuff - well that may or may not go away.
So you know what I always say? Friends are the family you choose. Any of those around for you??
You have a Mom, and a twin sister, albeit far away. And 3 kids that no doubt love you. That's one big group that are very happy to have you around, regardless of how snarly or miserable you may be on bad days.
The husband factor - well sometimes they just can't see the forest for the trees. (I'm saying sometimes because I was lucky enough to have one that couldn't have been more emotionally and physically supportive.)
We're here to vent to, give you a big hug, offer suggestions to help with the pain and the aggravations of lyme and daily life.
BUT, a pity party can only be helpful if it goes on for a limited time, ok? That's the fight or flight instinct - you're tired of fighting so you want to toss in the towel. Not gonna happen on our watch, ok?
I'm not familiar with the specifics of your pain. I do, however, recall having bouts of sciatic pain and it was actually tendonitis caused by the Levaquin I had been given for a few months just prior to my Lyme diagnosis.
Have you ruled out side effects or even a bad mattress from the equation? Do you sleep on a coil mattress? Have you perhaps tried an air mattress instead? Have you tried anti-inflammatories in case this is inflammation? Just throwing out some thoughts in case they may apply.
We'll get you through this.
-------------------- Julie _ _ ___ _ _ lymeinhell
Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed. Posts: 2258 | From a better place than I was 11 yrs ago | Registered: Sep 2003
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
i'm the one with lyme. 3 of 4 kids had it too. he didn't give up on me. but i gave up on him.
he wasn't as outright nasty and abusive as you guys are going thru-but the therapist called what he did to me passive-aggressive. and i felt it as if it was right out there
i divorced him.. we had joint custody of last two kids. older ones were on their own. he remarried in a year and she really helped with the kids.
not saying this is good...or might happen again...but in our case, i got a break from having to do everything while i was sick...
he got out...and the kids got more than if we had stayed together
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Haley
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22008
posted
I understand how you are feeling. My boyfriend of 8 years did not want to be with a sick person anymore ( I was sick over 2 years), so he left me.
At first it was very difficult, but over time I have come to realize that people just don't understand. The more I accept that people don't understand, the better I can cope. I try to imagine, if he had been the one that got this disease or my brother or whoever, would I understand what they are experiencing? I am not saying that this gives people the right to bail on us but it does help me to see what may be going on in their head.
I feel very alone at times but I think that I prefer being alone to being with someone that is unconcerned.
Focus on your children and the people around you that love you.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Posts: 2232 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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Tricky Tickey
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26546
posted
I too, can feel your pain. I have one of those hubbys who is "passive-aggressive". During the time I was sick, surprisingly, he was decent. Even pitched in around the house, helped with my horse, things like that.
I learned & realized that he wasn't going to change or have a personalty transplant. So I decided, well, I can leave him or learn coping skills to stay with him. So I went to therapy for awhile and figured out that it's not about me at all, it's HIS problem. I don't take anything he says personally anymore. I just laugh and go on and do my thing.
I know you are limited with what you can do. It's gotta be hard. Do you have a trusting friend close by? Darnit, if it wasn't for Lymenet, I'd be crazy by now! We'll be your support group, okay? Don't give up honey, your gonna win this thing!
-------------------- Early Disseminated LD- 2010. Currently doing acupuncture and yoga. Negative Igenex (IND & Pos Bands) ISSUES AFTER: Tendonitis, letter reversal, Low immune system. PREVENTION:SaltC,Iodine,Humaworm, Chiropractic. Posts: 1013 | From In a van down by the river. | Registered: Jun 2010
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Jamers
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28016
posted
Wow, All of you are so amazing and sweet. Just reading this gives me hope. Never easy to feel this alone.
-------------------- Diagnosed Pos. Lyme Nov. 17, 2010, Igx. Pos. Babesia Duncani March 2011, Igx. Clinical diagnosis for Bartonella Posts: 1127 | From North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
I had HORRID sciatic pain from several car accidents and it still acts up now and again so I VERY much know the pain you feel. WHat heped me tremendously was PT. Might be worth checking into if you have insurance. Most insurance co's will give you 20+ visits...plenty for them to do some stretching and exercises for you. It was a MIRACLE, for me. No drug could safely aleviate the pain for me and at the time I had a baby and 2 toddlers so drugs were not going to do it.
As far as the other stuff...there is a reason women give birth... No offence to the men who CAN handle it as I know there are a few out there but...I had a similar issue with my hubby. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me but when I had my last bad relapse which lasted upwards of 6mo with me being very ill...he *checked out*. Never asked how I was doing, never offered to help, I still was *expected* to do it all as if I was just lazing around on the couch all day...he simply could not get it. It wasn't that he didn't care, it was that on an emotional level he simpy could not wrap his brain around it and/or relate so...he didn't.
I think that *most* men are that way. If they can't see it/feel it/touch it or experience it, it can't be real. I had to tell hubby that I felt so awful I would wrather be dead, and if it weren't for our children I would have ended it by now, in order to impress upon him how bad it was.
Thankfully, now I am feeling much better and had an interesting experience recently which gave me insight into how hubby was handling this...
I had some dental work done. In the past, this would have thrown me back into a flare/relapse. This time it didn't, nor did I expect it to, due to where I am at health wise. However, hubby, unbeknownst to me, was scared to death that I would back-slide. He let it *slip* that he was worried and then I made the connection. Men are fixers. You can't fix Lyme as we all know. So, having to face NOT being able to fix something makes them *run* (not always literally, but ykwim)
Just another perspective. I am not defending this sort of behavior because *we* certianly would not treat *them* that way...but sometimes we have to step back and take a look at things from another angle. I love my hubby, despite the fact he simpy cannot be there for me in that way when I am sick. He *IS* there for me in many other ways, is a wonderful father and a good person.
Of course, there are some guys who are simply not nice and the best thing IS to get away...but I am not sure that is your issue. Like others have said, you are not alone. There are so many of us here in varying stages of healing and we all know where you're at and how you feel. You can ALWAYS come here Posts: 206 | From In the shadow of a mountain | Registered: Feb 2011
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IckyTicky
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 21466
posted
Gosh guys... you really lifted me up! This morning, the pain isn't as bad and I don't feel like throwing in the towel just yet.
Raw Vegan...you are SO RIGHT! My husband has said so many times in our years of marriage that he is a "fixer" and when he can't fix things...I guess he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to handle himself, or me.
I take it personally when he feels out of control of the situation and doesn't know what to do about it. Yeah, he could be better at how he reacts...but I know deep down he loves me. He could have left long ago.
And I never thought of trying PT! We have great insurance so I imagine my GP could point me where to go. Maybe some light pain killers so I can still manage with the kids. It's just so good to know that there are those who have gotten out of this horrible kind of pain, or at least lessened it to where it is manageable.
I only have two friends in this whole state...one lives a couple hours away and doesn't understand what I'm going through at all, and the other is a friend who needs help with addictions..she is really in no condition to help me emotionally or mentally. I'm grateful to have you guys here.
I'll check into the EPA and maybe a used elliptical machine.
It gets so hard being sick and in pain, and having 3 children who are just as sick... no finances to help us all, guilt over not being able to do all I can for my children with their illness as well as with normal daily things to contend with and keep up with as well.
It's good to have a different perspective, and different ideas.
I'll take it a day at a time and try to remind myself that it could be so much worse.
A real, heartfelt THANK YOU to all who replied.
-------------------- IGM: 18+, 23+, 30+, 31+++, 34+, 39IND, 41++, 58+++, 66+, 83-93IND IGG: 31+, 39IND, 41+ Also positive for Mycoplasma Pneumoniae and RMSF. Whole family of 5 dx with Lyme. Posts: 1014 | From Texas | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I only have a small idea of what you are going through but I just wanted to offer support. It's really tough....they can't really understand what are going through unless they themselves also lived it...which you would never wish on him.
It's so hard to want empathy and understanding and not receive it....even if we understand where the healthy men inour lives are coming from. There is no english word that comes close to describing this feeling "frustration" is not strong enough.
Good luck. I hope somehow you feel better soon.
-------------------- Tick bite in 2006, bullseye rash, treated with 2 rounds of 2 weeks of doxy. (once in 2006, once in 2009) Dx with chronic Lyme May 2011. LLMD April 2012, Treating with omnicef/zith Lots of supplements! Posts: 640 | From Connecticut | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
Check your local YMCA or church gym for the elliptical!! Find the one that you SIT on... not stand.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Oh my, home schooling the children? What a unbelievable achievement. You are strong Icky.
If the house doesn't get cleaned today big deal. I do hope you are making housekeeping part of your childrens schooling. Children today are not being taught to clean and meal fixing.
Children today think you just go thru McDonalds or my grandsons favorite Arby's. They live with us and my only daughter. 7 & 10 (divorce split custody 50/50) and 32 yr old that I failed to raise in the kitchen and cleaning with me.
So she has been getting cooking and cleaning and money mgmt teaching that she failed to learn earlier in life. If she and the boys are going to live in our house they will learn about these things.
I buy groceries or I give a list to my daughter to go buy if I am feeling rough. My husband works in grocery, he's a butcher. I have fruits, fresh veggies, meats, things to make meals at home.
A trip to Arby's is a treat to happen on Fri night. Fast food makes us fat and will kill our health. It's expensive to eat out.
I will feed you extra 3 mouths at home buying groceries. You must clean up after yourself, I'm not a maid.
I might not work but I'm not you maid. Kids you can have a house cleaning allowance if you help Nana. They will and enjoy. They enjoy money. Doesn't it grow on trees?
So Icky I hope you are teaching children to help. Does you husband know how to help with house cleaning? Does he work outside the home and treat you like the maid?
I can remember when I could only watch the dust build up and couldn't find the strength very often to clean it up.
My grandsons and my daughter are moving out within the next 6-8 weeks. I can't wait to just be Nana again. They can visit us and we can do fun stuff like play board games, they spend the night or weekend and we send them home, their home, out of ours.
Icky I hope you're not the family maid, school teacher, meal preparer, dish washer and suppose to be the exciting wife at night? You're not Wonder Woman.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6495 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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IckyTicky
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 21466
posted
Thank you Lymetoo...I would have been looking for the standing up one!
Map...yes you are very right. My kid's don't have "traditional" school. Yes, we do bible study, math, reading, writing, spelling, science, history, music, art, and learn Hebrew... but it's not like most would think of as a "school".
One day might be math and art. The next day Hebrew and science...etc. Some days when I'm feeling so rough, we will only do music and music history. Or only geography. Some days we just sit and crochet while doing our spelling! But show me many other 8 yr olds who knows all the continents, and where every country is in Central America, South America and Africa. (still working on Europe and Asia)
It IS hard... but my kids know I won't tolerate laziness. I grew up in a home where my mother was the ONLY one who did the family chores. My sister and I weren't responsible for our own needs at all.
So the kids help me out a lot. We don't give money allowance (just can't afford to..but also because we will not pay them to do what family is expected to do) Now and then they will get paid for doing something extra... washing the car etc. Kids need money sometimes too. They always work for it though.
My kids do things like work in the garden, rake the leaves, wash dishes after breakfast and/or lunch, fold and put away their own laundry, sweep the floor, make their beds in the morning, feed the chickens, clean the coop etc. All are responsible for baking the bread every other day and they help me with cooking where they can.
But they are sick too... some days they can do not much of anything.
Video games are one day a week, for about 2 hours. (I really hate video games) We don't eat out much... maybe once every few months if there is a deal where healthy food is served like Jason's Deli.
But sometimes this much work, even with the kids help, is too much when you are dealing with pain and fatigue and neuro issues.
No, I'm not the family maid (thank God!). My husband often cleans up the supper dishes and will fold laundry now and then. He cooks breakfast on the weekends. But it does fall to me since I am the stay at home mom and he is working hard outside the home. I'm SURE not Wonder Woman
But I have to admit, I've cancelled class with the kids so that we could sleep all day.
-------------------- IGM: 18+, 23+, 30+, 31+++, 34+, 39IND, 41++, 58+++, 66+, 83-93IND IGG: 31+, 39IND, 41+ Also positive for Mycoplasma Pneumoniae and RMSF. Whole family of 5 dx with Lyme. Posts: 1014 | From Texas | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
It is not just men who struggle to understand/cope with a spouse with Lyme and Co. I did like the perspective of men as fixers. I am just that. However my wife is not a man nor a fixer but she struggles with the sickness I have. It is just hard, period.
A therapist has helped us. We are beat up but still together.
-------------------- enjoy the day.
-jmb Posts: 208 | From Maryland | Registered: Dec 2008
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Icky, your children are sick too? I completely forgot that when I was writing to you. Regardless they need to help in household. My brain fog is rough today.
I'm glad your hubby does help out. I can barely teach myself something new, I can't image teaching children and doing science. OM
I understand about not having ability to do a meal. My hubby is okay if we have a sandwich and a bowl of soup.
He knows when I say it's your night to cook, he's going to pick up something in the area. It might be a salad for me and spaghetti dinner for him.
He can cut the meat, but the man can't cook it without ruining it. He has one speed. FAST
So you put him on the grill, he turns it to high heat, burns the outside and dries everything out.
The man wears me out watching him. lol
To those that have sick household, sick children, sick spouse... I honestly don't know how you do what you do.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6495 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
After reading all these post, I agree with (Heley):
At first it was very difficult, but over time I have come to realize that people just don't understand. The more I accept that people don't understand, the better I can cope.
We have very different diseases than the average person. What I mean by that is, (MOST OF US LOOK NORMAL).
One thing I have to say, you�re all talking about (men) not being there for you, not helping you, not understanding what you�re going through � or taking the time to educate themselves on these diseases.
It�s not just (MEN)! Many girlfriends, wife�s, friends etc have walked out on the (MEN) with Lyme disease. Don�t foul yourself, some women may be a little more understanding but, by no means do they all help or hang in there with us! Also, some of us men do a lot more house cleaning, shopping and so on, than our wife�s do, even when they are the healthy ones!
You have to take control of your own destiny, well being, happiness etc. � think happy thoughts, it really does help with the depression. Take time for just YOU, each and everyday. Even if you can�t sleep well, get as much rest as possible.
Join a book Club, Gym, go to a movie once a week-even if its by yourself - Join a support group. I would not talk about your Lyme symptoms to people that don�t understand, that�s why supports groups may help.
The main things that help are not always antibiotics, It�s your decision to your own wellness & happiness.
These together will help in the long run: Diet � Herbal remedies � lots of water � green tea - lemons I can on and on as you all know. Most of you all know that depending on your own health you need to take probiotics, liver support, vitamins � what ever you need for yourself. Keep doing research, there are thousands of post just on this site along (Lymenet) � just press (SEARCH) under (LymeNet Flash)
In my eyes, the most important thing to getting better is> exercise! I know some can�t do much but, do want you can. Start of slow and work your way up. If all you can do is walk, then walk as much as you can.
IckyTicky, Sonee123 and everyone who has no support from others. Stop wasting time trying to convince people you�re sick, take control of your own destiny. I think one of the main reasons for> Depression - anxiety - Fatigue - Mood swings is because we are always thinking about our symptoms and how sick we are � well guess what, exercise will greatly help with all these symptoms, do some research on it.
Try and enjoy life as it is now! It takes some of us a lot longer to heal then others. We all have many friends here on Lymenet, it�s not unhealthy to vent when ever we need to.
I hope everyone�s relationships hold together, all you can do is try your best. Don�t let anyone abuse you, we didn�t ask for this disease and all the pain it�s given us.
Did you exercise today?
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Being on pain meds does not mean you have to be out of it. Infact thats not good pain management in my opinion. Wen done properly with a good doctor, you can get relief. People who are in pain, and take their meds responsibly, rarely become addicted. Dependant, but not addicted.
When you take meds for pain, it just makes the pain less. You do not feel out of your mind. Maybe the first couple of doses you feel a bit loopy, but after a day or two you go back to normal but with less pain.
So maybe look into a legit pain manahement team. Good luck with everything.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Steve, I'm sorry I didn't mean to do a man bashing. You're right men can be ill and have a wife that is non supportive.
I've just read so many posts from the women and women do tend to complain to others more so than men.
My new neighbor yesterday that I worked with 27 yrs ago...asked me if I retired and I said no I'm disabled from lyme disease.
She said well you certainly don't look or act sick. What should I do when I try to put on my happy face and ignore my pain and talk with people about life besides my illness?
I guess if people could see a flashing red light on our foreheads that says PAIN, PAIN BEWARE.
I told her don't be surprised when you don't see me doing life for a few days or a week? I didn't say this but I wanted to say sometimes I can't come out to play.
She asked if I'm a walker? I told her I was a walker 5-6 days a week 12 yrs ago. haven't gone back to it, but someday I WILL. Don't lose hope.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6495 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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IckyTicky
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 21466
posted
Oh no man bashing intended here at all. Just kind of gushing about my own difficulties with my husband.
I do exercise as much as I can every day. We try to dance, we go for walks, I do yoga.
I don't try to convince anybody that I'm sick...I don't even mention it to people anymore unless there is a need for education for some reason.
But my husband, of all people, should know and not forget that I might look okay on the outside and feel like I'm dying on the inside.
He also has LD although his symptoms are FAR fewer and less severe than mine and the kids. Headaches now and then, tremor, slight brain fog..thats it for him. He does no research on the disease..even though he also has it!
But no, not bashing men. Sorry if it came off that way. Men feel pain just like women do... and seem to be expected to do more anyways.
-------------------- IGM: 18+, 23+, 30+, 31+++, 34+, 39IND, 41++, 58+++, 66+, 83-93IND IGG: 31+, 39IND, 41+ Also positive for Mycoplasma Pneumoniae and RMSF. Whole family of 5 dx with Lyme. Posts: 1014 | From Texas | Registered: Jul 2009
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nefferdun
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20157
posted
It is such a struggle for everyone; the sick and those that have to live with us complaining. My husband is generally supportive but he has his fried moments - he thinks the same way I do - "will this ever end!"
It is good that you and your children have minds clear enough to be able to teach and learn. At first I thought perhaps you were home schooling them because they were too sick for school and/or unable to concentrate but it sounds like you are all doing really well in that area.
I hope you all have some kind of social outlet. Being with other people helps you to forget your problems. Being isolated brings on more despair.
If you can take a class to meet people, join a club or take a light exercise class you will feel more cheerful. Your kids need that too.
I get together twice a week with a friend. She is in constant pain because of a back problem so we can understand each other. It really helps when you find another person with a physical problem even if it isn't lyme.
I agree physical therapy would probably help you. A good chiropractor or even acupuncture might also help. When I had tendonitis PT helped a lot. I also took amino acids. It was my experience that DL Methionine healed the pain. I took 500 mg a day.
Supplement that detox are helpful to reduce inflammation to reduce pain. I took alpha lipoic acid, acetyl l carnitine, lysine, fish oil, B12 and magnesium.
You might ask your doctor about IV glutathione to help with inflammation. DL Methionine is a precursor to it.
You and your kids can have a course on diet. Study it. Experiment. The vegan diet is very good for reducing inflammation. Possibly try a gluten and dairy free diet. Make these interesting experiments to empower you.
-------------------- old joke: idiopathic means the patient is pathological and the the doctor is an idiot Posts: 4676 | From western Montana | Registered: Apr 2009
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steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
I didn�t think anyone was doing a man bashing, sorry if I came off that way.
I just wanted to make sure everyone knows it goes both ways.
I hope everyone has a pain free and a good night�s sleep!
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
Do you know, I had the same thought as Carol in PA.
I was thinking: Yes how noble, to teach your kids not to do pain relieving meds...
But then again, on the other side of the balance, if you are in so much pain that you can't function, that you can't be happy, and that the marriage is falling apart...then there surely comes a point....
It's hard to give advice and we are often wrong when we do.
So only sitting here from my own very limited perspective because I am not in your shoes, I wonder if pain meds might actually help to save your marriage, show your kids that you are good at taking care of yourself, you don' t have to be as much of a victim to the disease anymore (at least not to the painful part of it, even if other things go on until they get better) and also you will be in better spirits, so this helps with the kids too....after all the kids need to see you happy and thriving, in order for them to believe that the universe is a friendly and good place to live in.
See what I mean?
An ND said to me that pain actually prevents healing. It causes inflammatory prostaglandins which get in the way of our healing progress. So we need pain meds, she said, when there really is pain that can't be dealt with on the naturopathic level.
And I agree that PT would be key for sciatica. Or chiropractic. Or whatever works....for you.
Do please take care of yourself.
We all feel for you.
Yes my husband is *the!* most supportive and loyal man in the world...and he too is falling apart and becoming sarcastic as I deal with my symptoms. God that is so hard!
I figure it's his way of "Saying" that he can't deal with the stress. It's hard on him too, to watch me go through this.
"The shadow side is expressing a need" said a therapist to me many years ago. To look at what is trying to be said, what need is trying to be expressed, helps us to understand and compassionately address the need.
As much as we can.
You may not be able to be cured in a snap of a finger and thereby relieve his distress, but you can talk with him with some understanding of his own duress as you go through this. Maybe he needs support and just doesn't know how to vocalize it. So he gets back-handed, because that is the only way he knows how to say "Help!I too am in pain!"
But then again there are abusive men and by golly, in that case, run and don't walk! Easy to say....of course.
And also, he needs to understand what *you* are needing from him. Maybe he still...doesn't get it. Hard to believe, but still could be true.
I have found that even friends don't understand. "I think there is a lot of drama in this for you" said one very close friend. Another: You should have seen her steelwool eyes when she asked me about the neurologist's workup. It wasn't what I had going through my own head that got her eyes to change from topaz to scouring powder, it was the thoughts of *several* doctors. Boy she didn't get it.
I have found this very hurtful and it has made me think it really is time to start....writing letters to the editor in a fake name to hide my identity....ask them for publicity coverage about lyme...ask everywhere to have Under Our Skin aired....write emails to friends to update them about my symptoms as I go along....let them know what is going on!
Otherwise they don' t understand.
Luckily I have one very close friend who has CFS and who does get it. I have tried to get her to see my LLMD but she will hear none of it, wants to "keep it simple". Oh yea. Dummy.
I really empathize and I reach out my hand to you. We are never alone. There are many who have gone before us. And there is real power in the community.
****And one thing this illness has taught me: I have found that for almost every big problem, there is usually a very simple solution.****
Take care! Lots of improvement health wise and in your situation, and hope the clouds evaporate to let the sun shine in again, soon!
posted
PS one thing that has really helped me with my (otherwise very supportive and ridiculously loyal husband) is to tell him...
"I need support from you..."
"I am going through x, y, z...here is what I struggle with on the inside as I go through it...I need your support and your love..."
"Can you help me with this?"
These things have really helped. A lot.
I also acknowledge that I understand why he too is stressed out. I tell him that I don' t blame him if he doesn't like being around me when I am constantly anxious and also had some real traumas these past few months with my symptoms. To let myself cry and cry has really been important. The more I let myself be human, the more he finally "Gets it" and can be there for me. I am not doing this to manipulate him in any way, it's really for my own sake that I have to release what happened. Tears are a gift. They help us to let go and wash things away. ANd since doing that, I have a much more clear head and can get on better with things.
Taking immune-supporting herbs is helping my energy level, a lot and not just a little. In turn, my enthusiasm comes back as the energy lifts. Then I am able to get out into the garden, enjoy the sun and the beauty, get a few things done...and feel like a happier person. The immune supporting herbs have really helped.
FYI here is a good pain reliever for back pain. It's more for muscle pain, ie if there are compressed nerves it's not the best for that pain source. But for cramped or spasming muscles, or muscle aches/pains, it's excellent.
Weleda arnica massage oil
Now don't get me wrong. The other arnica products on the market dont' even compare. Yes HerbPharm makes an excellent arnica oil fyi and it is a good muscle relaxer too.
But the Weleda not only is such good quality, it also has additional pain-relieving herbs in it.
I have a friend who hates to complain or let on if anything goes wrong. She of all people was telling me she couldn't get out of bed because her back was so painful. She used this stuff. And was out of bed in three hours. I also put it on someone' s knees who later commented that she doesn't even believe in this stuff and that twenty minutes later, she noticed the pain was gone. Her pain was minor of course, not major.
The homeopathic arnica gels...bah humbug. They don't even work. I very much believe in homeopathics by the way. It's the Weleda product that is the one that works better than any other I have seen. I really mean it.
I am not selling anything or making a dime in profit. Just want to help.
Also my chiropractor told me that if you put 1/2 cup of baking soda in the bath and soak for about 1/2 hour, it takes the lactic acid out of your muscles which cause spasms. So it helps with back pain. When I injured my back and could barely walk from pain, it really really worked. It took a lot of the edge off, even if it didn't do the whole job. But it really did help with a great deal of the pain.
And to be very accurate, I am not suggesting that the Weleda massage oil will "cure" your back or your pain. But it also can help, a whole lot! So long as it's muscle and not nerve pain, as before.
St Johnswort oil (not tincture) topically is an excellent nerve anti-inflammatory. When applied topically it shouldn't interfere with drug absorption as it would when taken orally. Ask your doc to be sure.
lymetwister
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 19590
posted
I say Drop a Deer Tick in his head while he is sleeping and then you can all be in the same game.
For better or for worse doesn't hold up in the 20th Century for most. It's just a fact of life.
So, you have a few choices. Of course I'm kidding about the tick above, but put yourself in his shoes. He just wants his family back. It's normal for him to want a normal life for himself too. My wife walked out on me early on in all of this. I was fortunate to keep my kids and they have been my passion to get well.
If you had something like Cancer, you might have better support from him. This crazy, misunderstood disease, not only gives us lack of hope of getting well, but to those that care about us.
Trust me he wants to see you well, he feels helpless and is scared you will never get well. So as scared as you are and as much as your suffering, he is too, just in another way.
In the end, you might be better off having him out of your life if he is negative, stressing you out, etc. We all know too well that these things will slow our recoveries.
Just my thoughts.. Be Well,..
Gary
Posts: 1227 | From District of Columbia | Registered: Mar 2009
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
I was going to say, maybe he needs a lyme support group to work with?
Maybe there should be support groups not only for patients, but for family members.
We can all start one up in our area.
Lymenet is fantastic, I love everybody here and all the support and kindness from everybody. But then again it's important to have people you can talk with face to face, call any day, etc....
Just an idea.
I suggested this to my husband too.
Best wishes, CI
PS As for hope getting well, Bar 1 by Beyond Balance (herbal) is doing really really well by me in a very short period of time, with minimal dramas at all. The drama came for me after using abx for only the shortest period of time. I hate those meds. I have a lot of hope in the herbs, based on how well I Have been doing now. I do think there's hope for us getting well. I also think that to support immunity is key and strengthening the body, balancing hormones helps recovery, alongside tackling the bugs. If we do all of the above we may be able to better deal with the disease, physically, even if we have to live with it low-grade after recovery. Food for thought. My own energy is coming back up a lot after taking immune supporting herbs.
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Gary, a tick was dropped on my husband's head twice. '03 & 04 I believe it was.
The first time, his symptoms came on one by one I kept telling myself no way this can't be happening. first week he, doc, myself thought bad case of flu.
Second week more sx and harder and harder on him to go about his daily work. But my husband said it's the flu and we are going on vacation to the lake house, I'll be fine.
Four days later I put his arse in the car and drove him back to home 1 1/2 hrs to our LL PCP. My husband was so weak he couldn't do anything at the lake. No we did not see a tick on him.
It was my worst nightmare. I even went back in room with him and told my PCP his long list of sx and told the doctor I want him on heavy doses of abx NOW. He did 2 mths.
One by one his sx left in reverse order and where gone. The second time he had tick attachment...I did not wait to see what happened. He was back on abx for 2 mths.
My husband told me during his first experience....there is no way I would live my life feeling like this. He told me he would rather die than live so exhausted, sick and painful world.
His memories faded over the years and he doesn't want to remember how it felt. Natural thing to do when it's a short term illness. People tend to get well and forget it.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6495 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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No offence to the men who CAN handle it as I know there are a few out there but...I had a similar issue with my hubby. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me but when I had my last bad relapse which lasted upwards of 6mo with me being very ill...he *checked out*. Never asked how I was doing, never offered to help, I still was *expected* to do it all as if I was just lazing around on the couch all day...he simply could not get it. It wasn't that he didn't care, it was that on an emotional level he simpy could not wrap his brain around it and/or relate so...he didn't.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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He has one speed. FAST
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