Topic: First time in 3-1/2 years....suicidal thoughts
RZR
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20953
posted
I know I am not any sicker than most here, but I just don't think I can continue this battle. I just want the pain to end.
Seems like no matter what I try or do, I continue to herx without getting rid of anything.....parasites, babs, bart, lyme, etc.
I am taking Levaquin, malarone, doxy, and pulsing Tidamax.
How do you find the strength to stay the course? I mean there is just no end in sight.
[ 10-05-2012, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: RZR ]
-------------------- Tick bite May 2009 Diagnosed June 2009 Posts: 2329 | From SouthEast | Registered: Jun 2009
| IP: Logged |
poppy
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5355
posted
I hear you and feel the same way. So far, continuing to fight seems like it is preferable to the consequences of not fighting it. And I haven't found an easy out.
If you were diagnosed in 2009 and did not get good treatment until 2010 or 2011, there is still hope for you as it does take longer than this to turn the corner.
Posts: 2888 | From USA | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
lax mom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38743
posted
RZR,
I was so sad to see this post.
I know how it feels.
The disease is torture, the treatment is torture, the not knowing what all you're really fighting is torture, seeing every cent you have fly out the window on treatment beyond sucks...but we have to believe that there is something better on the other side of this fight.
You have helped me so much and I am very grateful.
Can you take a breather from treatment for a few days? It helped me to take a small break from the bug killing.
dbpei
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 33574
posted
RZR - you are not alone. It is such a long, hard battle. I have some days where my hope runs very thin. Is there anyone you can talk to? A family member, a friend, a pastor or church friend?
I know that this disease requires so much stamina and it is hard to keep fighting sometimes. Besides making us physically ill, Lyme and co. can make us depressed and anxious as well. It affects our sleep, which affects our outlook on things.
Feel free to PM me any time. It is so lonely fighting this battle by yourself. Try to do whatever it takes to not give up. I am going to PM you with some more information.
Posts: 2386 | From New England | Registered: Aug 2011
| IP: Logged |
Catgirl
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 31149
posted
RZR, I am so sorry to hear this. Please consider trying a low fat diet (McDougall). It took my pain away (that alone was worth it). Hang in there (I've been there). You are not alone. We are all pulling for you to find the strength to keep on fighting. You will win. Just keep fighting.
-------------------- --Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together). Posts: 5418 | From earth | Registered: Mar 2011
| IP: Logged |
surprise
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 34987
posted
Yes, you are on a whopper full of stuff.
I'd say please discontinue something-- it's not worth it. I, for one, could not do that combo all at once.
If there is anything I can do, let me know. Also know, we care about you!
Take a med break. Do something pleasurable- massage, rent some funny movies- Seriously.
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by surprise: Yes, you are on a whopper full of stuff.
I'd say please discontinue something-- it's not worth it. I, for one, could not do that combo all at once.
If there is anything I can do, let me know. Also know, we care about you!
Take a med break. Do something pleasurable- massage, rent some funny movies- Seriously.
I agree! Call your Dr and discuss it with him/her.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
linky123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 19974
posted
Will keep you in our prayers.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
poppy
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5355
posted
Some people have found that low dose naltrexone can help with pain issues.
Posts: 2888 | From USA | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
Are any of your meds new? With Lyme affecting the nervous system, if there were any med changes recently, I would think it could cause these kind of thoughts.
Do you have people helping you? Do they know about these thoughts? If it's bad, you really need someone to be with you constantly until this passes.
I hope you get a break in treatment soon. We all understand how hard it can be. I had times that I didn't want to live (not in the sense of being suicidal though), and now today, I am well and living a normal life. It can turn around.
I got tired of the meds and just fluctuating but not getting better, so started considering other treatments. If may be time to be open to new ideas.
-------------------- sixgoofykids.blogspot.com Posts: 13449 | From Ohio | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I also want to point out that it's a full moon. It's been crazy here from a moderator perspective. That could be contributing to how you're feeling.
-------------------- sixgoofykids.blogspot.com Posts: 13449 | From Ohio | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Maybe its from the malarone I felt like that more than usual while on Mepron.
I hope you make it through this dark time. We are all understanding and are pulling for you.
Posts: 253 | From CA | Registered: Jun 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hang in there maybe take a breather for a few days. Do more natural things garlic grapefruit seed extract. Juicing take a break go outside and get fresh air. Find a naturalpathic doctor. Talk to a friend or pastor.
Take care my prayers are with you.
Posts: 697 | From CA | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
RZR
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20953
posted
Thanks for all the kind words.
I was doing ok with pain until this week. Herxes are always bad for me.
I just feel suicidal because I can't get anything to remission....feels like no end in sight.
Not sure if I need a med break or not. I took Rifampin 6 months before starting Levaquin, so herx was not bad. Had to discontinue Rifampin because babs relapsed. Been on Malarone and Levaquin 5 weeks, doxy 9 months, Tidamax pulse since end of July.
Only new thing I added was cryptolepis 2-1/2 weeks ago. Can crypto also hit yeast? I will stop it for a few days.
-------------------- Tick bite May 2009 Diagnosed June 2009 Posts: 2329 | From SouthEast | Registered: Jun 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I am concerned that your suicidal thoughts could be caused by the medicine that you're taking or some combination of the medicines. It seems like every other medication advertised on TV has suicidal thoughts as a side effect.
I also think that you should call Dr. R and discuss this ASAP! She has a lot of arrows in her quiver to use against Lyme and Co. and I'm sure that she can do something to help. Maybe it's time for a change in the plan of attack! At any rate, call and discuss it with her.
Things will get better, you've just got to hang in there until they do and keep communicating with your doctor. Also, maybe you need to make more frequent trips to the doctor until you're over this rough patch.
Posts: 177 | From Ohio | Registered: Aug 2012
| IP: Logged |
Carol in PA
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5338
posted
You're on Malarone, which is like Mepron. There have been a number of threads talking about the "Mepron blues."
Mepron and Malarone work by oxidizing. This makes you feel awful, because your cells are bathed in more waste products.
You need antioxidants to counter this, but taking them while taking the medication means that it won't be as effective in killing Babesia.
Also, Levaquin depletes magnesium, and you may have more pain from joint and tendon issues. I've read that you should load up on magnesium before starting Levaquin, because of this.
If you decide to stop meds for a bit, be sure to take lots of magnesium and antioxidants to help your body recover. I don't think you can take mag along with Doxy though, as it affects its absorbtion.
Babesia lives within the red blood cells, and causes the red cells to break apart and die. Because of this, your blood cannot carry as much oxygen as usual.
When your body's cells do not get enough oxygen, they do not function as well. You get fatigued, short of breath, with more pain and headaches.
The spleen filters out components of the dead red cells to recycle them, and the kidneys filter out a component that will make the urine look dark.
Posts: 6947 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
RZR so many of us have been there....I'm sending you a PM.
Posts: 805 | From Utopia | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
sometimesdilly
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9982
posted
Hey. RZR.
Dig deep.
Many years on, I've long since reached a point where I'm convinced I won;t ever get better than what I where I am. So be it.
Dig deep. Maybe you have a long way to go before you reach any kind of similiar point. Maybe you'll never a reason to get there-- keep on trying therapy, and maybe you won't.
But, even if docs and meds can't get you back to 100%, there is still a life to have, adjustments made.
Live on. And hope.
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Those of us here understand what you are going through. Please contact your doctor right away.
Suicidal thoughts can come from the treatment. It could be that the treatment you are on is too aggressive at this moment in time, and you need to back off (reduce or take a break from antibiotics) and regain your balance. The toxins produced by dieoff can also play a part. Detoxifying and supporting the liver are essential.
When my thoughts turned to the dark side during treatment, my doctor had me stop the antibiotics and support the liver and detox. When I felt better, she gradually re-introduced the antibiotics, one by one, and at dosages that I could tolerate. It helped greatly!
Please take care. There is help for getting through this battle.
Posts: 873 | From WA | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I have not been suicidal but I have felt before that my life was barely worth living. I believe I was on mepron both times. I now think of it as a dark night of the soul. Amazing how much better I felt when off the drugs.
Posts: 705 | From WA state | Registered: Jul 2011
| IP: Logged |
Rumigirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15091
posted
I second everything everyone has already said. I have certainly been there myself, as have many of us.
In addition a few other things to consider: DETOX is critically important with these infections and heavy duty die-off. Coffee enemas are life-savers for me. There is also lemon water, liver flushes, clay, clorella, and many other methods of detox. Pick one or two methods, they help enormously.
Definitely call your dr. You may need to have him or her change your meds.
Definitely talk to a therapist, friend, counselor, or pastor. And, yes, if the feeling is strong, you need someone to stay with you during this time.
Do you have a local support group?
sometimes we need either a natural antidepressant (sam-e, 5 HTP) or a med antidepressant during treatment to help bear it.
Feel better!
Posts: 3771 | From around | Registered: Mar 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
The homeopathic remedy pulsatilla 12x helped me reduce depression - I forgot I had taken a tablet of it the night before and woke up, well, happy, and couldn't figure out why - hope you can figure out how to get some relief - good suggestions above.
It's hard to get through all this, and it really helps when a combo is found that works, like detox suggestions, or whatever - we have to keep finding out what's going to work.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
lax mom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38743
RZR
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20953
posted
quote:Originally posted by lax mom: RZR,
Are you feeling any better?
Thank you so much for asking!
I don't really feel any better yet, but trying my best to get the bad thoughts out of my head.
I am going to skip meds for a couple of days and focus on detox.
-------------------- Tick bite May 2009 Diagnosed June 2009 Posts: 2329 | From SouthEast | Registered: Jun 2009
| IP: Logged |
Tammy N.
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26835
posted
RZR - my heart goes out to you. I've been in that dark place myself before, many times. I hope you can pull out of it soon.
I think it's great that you are going to take a break and focus on detox. That's what I do when the going gets tough.... and I always feel better once my body has had a chance to purge and rebalance itself. (Daily coffee enemas have been a life saver for me.)
Pleasure/happiness in our lives is so important. With this disease it's so easy to lose our way. Try if you can to find those little pockets of happiness.... even small things that bring you joy. For me it can be simple things like tossing a handful of peanuts in the back yard and watch the chipmonks and beautiful birds enjoy them. Or picking up a few flowers from the garden center and potting them for my front porch. Reading a great book from the library (a daily pleasure I enjoy.) I try to do lots of little things like this throughout my days. It's not that these things solve my problems, but they give me wonderful blessed distractions from the difficulties of this disease. I've been working very hard to shift my thinking away from illness. It's not easy, but I'll continue working on it until healthy thinking is my habit (and my sincere wish is that a healthy body will accompany.) Wishing the same for you.
Sending hugs your way.
God bless you, Tammy
Posts: 2238 | From East Coast | Registered: Jul 2010
| IP: Logged |
lax mom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38743
posted
Glad to hear you are going to take a small antibiotic break.
Ellen101
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 35432
posted
So sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope with a few days off of antibiotics you will feel better. I find I have to take a break every one in a while when I feekl things getting to be too hard to handle.
I was severely depressed awhile back and new it was probably the mepron. After stopping all the meds for a few days it lifted.
Please know you are not alone as we are all here for you.
Posts: 1748 | From United States | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
lymetwister
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 19590
posted
RZR, PM Sent !
Posts: 1227 | From District of Columbia | Registered: Mar 2009
| IP: Logged |
RZR
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20953
posted
Thank you all so much for helping me through this.
The suicidal feelings are gone. I am really embarrassed that I even let myself go there. It really helped to take a couple days off abx.
Hugs to all!
-------------------- Tick bite May 2009 Diagnosed June 2009 Posts: 2329 | From SouthEast | Registered: Jun 2009
| IP: Logged |
dbpei
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 33574
posted
So happy to hear this RZR! I think a lot of us have been there and we understand. Glad you are out of that dark place. Posts: 2386 | From New England | Registered: Aug 2011
| IP: Logged |
Tammy N.
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 26835
posted
RZR - there is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Please don't feel that way. You are SAFE here sharing with us. We've all been there (or should I say most of us have been there).
So glad you are feeling better. I hope it continues and continues.
Posts: 2238 | From East Coast | Registered: Jul 2010
| IP: Logged |
Catgirl
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 31149
posted
YAY! I agree with Tammy, zero to be embarrassed about. We understand. :)
-------------------- --Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together). Posts: 5418 | From earth | Registered: Mar 2011
| IP: Logged |
beths
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 18864
posted
Don't ever be embarrassed. This board is a lifesaver for many. I think only those that have been thru this "get it".
Glad you are doing better
Posts: 1276 | From maryland | Registered: Jan 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
So glad to hear that you're feeling better! There's absolutely no need to be embarassed, you're in the company of people who have been there. We understand, and are happy that you are lifted up out of the darkness.
Posts: 873 | From WA | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
RZR
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20953
posted
Thanks to all....you guys are great!
-------------------- Tick bite May 2009 Diagnosed June 2009 Posts: 2329 | From SouthEast | Registered: Jun 2009
| IP: Logged |
beths
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 18864
posted
Your mailbox is full!
Posts: 1276 | From maryland | Registered: Jan 2009
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic