The person who I replaced at work for the past 4 1/2 months started returning to work p/t at the beginning of December and now starts f/t this week. Friday was my last day. Since early December she has made my life a living hell, and finally ending in this last week with the accusation that I stole a bronze German Shepherd dog weight from her desk. She was in such a rage and said I had done a terrible job, was not worth the money I had been paid, that b/c I did not put this figurine away I was incompetent and negligent, all this in front of other staff.

At any sign of confrontation, I shut down, disassociate. Logically in my head, I knew what she was doing was wrong and so I told her I couldn't work under these accusations and suspicisions and that I would be leaving at the end of the day. She apologized privately about 15 minutes later b/c there was still a lot of work to be done. I am now worried that she has told human resources that I am a thief and am a poor worker.

I KNOW I am an excellent worker and did a fantastic job, even with eye problems, memory problems and exascerbation of arthritis, etc. I was taken out for lunch 3 times by coworkers, who all said they will greatly miss me. So why cannot I get mad, at the gut level. I feel there is something sadly lacking in me, no emotions and yet that is not true. I laughed so much at work, looked forward to going to work and really enjoyed this job, demanding as it was. It just seems that negative emotions escape me. Is this part of lyme or is it b/c of all the abuse I have experienced in life? It is probably a combination of both.

Help, I do so want to feel human, not just a robot. Does lyme do this to a person? If anybody can identify with what I am feeling, please let me know. Thanks.

Corinne

I know about lyme rage, but a lyme rage for me is like the head on a pin for others. There have only been a few times in my life when I experienced true rage: one when doc put me on antidepressent for fibromyalgia. I took a pill Friday night, did not wake up sorta until about summer time, so groggy. Took another pill at bed time, everything annoyed me, like sound was exaggerated. On Sunday afternoon, truck driver cut me off and I went after him. He wouldn't get out of truck (wise man). Went home and flushed pills down toilet, realized they were making me suicidal and dangerous. Now have read that antidepressants do do that to some people.

Other times was when one of children in her teenage years could literally make me see red, she still has that effect on me at times, but feeling only lasts for a few hours.

I am such a wimp when it comes to standing up for myself, I hate myself when I am like this. I just read a post re being depression. I think I am very depressed and have been for a long time. I know I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately, more like just not wanting to live, but then think of my kids and know that I cannot do it, but the thought is still there often.

It is so confusing, how can I be happy one minute and so without being aware of it, so down the next. What's wrong with me? B/c of working so much, I have not been to see my counsellor (one who I have been seeing for the past 2 1/2 years), I will call him tomorrow and go see my LLMD too. I can see where the lyme is taking over again with a vengance. I am not in the pain (yet) that I was in 2 years ago, but the depression (apathy) is very similar. I want and need to feel angry, anger motivates one to step up to the plate. I am not stepping, I am just suspended in time.

Thanks for replying so quickly.

it does work ,with effort..i know these lyme action's are true.(rage).i can catch myself most time's now...i have seen dr.v.s(here in buck's county pa.)she is a God send.

emotion's? i stay out of those situation's.it would not be fair to the other person.those of you in an emotioal situation(marriage),(relationship),i wish you well.rage is an emotion..

i don't have to tell you.world is upside down for you.i can not tell you what to do.

i do remember thing's from long ago.why? dr.v.s also remember's thing's from long ago.like they just happened...maybe if you remember how you felt when you first started dating that person,could help..i don't know.

i know having these two dog's,is very helpful to me..i am not giving out a dx...just food for thought....be well,,gary

I am quite certain that I have had lyme since I was about 7 years old, that's a long long time ago. As for the dating part, it started long before then, like when I was about 2. I know who and what I am angry about, but just cannot get me to feel it. My head feels it, my body feels it, but the emotive (is there such a word) side of it doesn't.

When I think, e.g. about what docs have said and done for years now, I "feel" nothing about it. Next about loss of eye sight, again no feeling. My kids are quite upset with me, b/c I just cannot seem to blow off steam. I am afraid that if I ever get angry, I will blow myself away. I know it has something to do with lyme, b/c this is the way I was feeling 2 1/2 years ago. I certainly don't want to experience lyme rage, but would sure accept feeling a twinge of anger.

I am quite outspoken, so most people would never assume that I feel like this. I can speak out for others, but not myself. My twin sister (identical) does quite nicely speaking up for herself at home and work. I have told her for years, that when we were conceived, the split was not even. She has more of some attributes, while I have more of others. I asked her tonight if she could in her dreams pass some of her "speaking up" attributes to me. And talking about anger, how about "crying". I can't even cry. Some would say be thankful, but I know this is quite serious.

When I was able to work out, the situation was hugely better. May be an endorphin thingy, in part. Whenever I start a new abx or detox, it comes back (but now goes away fairly quickly).

I think a good measure of this is: How long has it been since you had a really good belly laugh?

The only way I can describe it is feeling as if my mind an emotions were muffled in grey cotton wool. I knew I should feel something, but it was very far off. It made it very hard for me to push for what I needed at work or for my health care. The idea of confrontation of any kind really made me shut down and go into a grey space. There were times when I couldn't remember exactly why I thought life was worth living. Not massive depression or despair, just "why on earth would anyone bother getting up in the morning?"

I know there are more detailed citations about this in the Lyme literature (probably Fallon and Bransfield), but this is from the Rissenberg write up (I bolded the flat aspect bit):

"Psychiatric symptomatology is not uncommon in Lyme and the presence of depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive symptoms, flat affect and so on may cloud the issue of significant cognitive decline. "

I stay calm all the time and things that used to bother me don't. My face was expressionless for many months. I assumed this was because the Bell's Palsy made smiling difficult. Your post has made me think about this.

This past week I have started feeling more like my old self and find I am smiling a lot like I did pre-Lyme, even though my face still feels funny. I now think the Lyme had deadened all my emotions. The BP took away my ability to have facial expressions and the LD took away my desire to have any.

This past week at work I got involved in several heated discussions and found that my symptoms got much worse immediately after any sort of argument.

A lot of people have vividly shared their experiences with you, so it's easy to see you are not alone. Just remember that no matter what anyone says to you, no matter how they treat you, you must keep going on with your life on faith. What Lyme takes away in feeling, it can give you back in singleminded focus. Keep taking actions on your own behalf, and you may be surprised to see your life go off in a new direction.

Like for example, in two years you could be the boss of this company, who brings her pit bull in every day to play fetch with this woman's statuette.

I answered your post on canlyme too.

Hang in there girl,

Being "disassociated" with people and emotion has been a long term symptom, was worse, but is getting better after long term aggressive abx, detox, and alternative therapies.

I felt exactly as you say, aware on some level but unable to engage..and when I wasn't in touch with this symptom, I mostly just felt allot of disinterest in most things, or sitting in a room full of people, would just feel "under water", totally detatched.

There are lots of specific neurological symptoms and effects that can converge and make one feel this way, even when successfully fighting infection (like how we feel when we have the "flu")..

It's very good that you are recognizing it, the tricky part is figuring out what exactly it is coming from (active infection, co-infection, or infection fighting) and then what to do about it.

Tracking may be the first step in unraveling it for you..

ie: over time, tracking on a "1-10" symptom list (list symptoms, and "rate" them ..1 being nothing, 10 being the worst)..

Do the list daily, and maybe once a month, graph it. Each symptom has a color..using a line graph with dates and treatments along the bottom.

This is a good way to track as these things evolve slowly..

But in the meantime.. maybe look at whether this "unfeeling" has been the same for a very long time, is it getting worse, is it getting better...

Or just a loooong plateau..

After figuring things out this way, I was able to target what may be the cause, and also what therapies had an effect on the symptom(s).

Sorry you have this to deal with, Corrine..

That has gone away and now I do have emotions. I did have lyme rage in the beginning but that went away 1st. Now it happens every now and then but at least i am feeling something.

Yes, it could be due to fatigue, which could be from Lyme.

Yes, it could be from depression (though that usually includes an inability to feel happiness as well), and the depression could be from Lyme.

Yes, it could be from post traumatic stress disorder, if you have had one big trauma or many smaller ones in your life, or it could be from Lyme. Or both. They say Lyme gets you where you're weakest.

a PRIVATE apology? bite me! tell her make it public or you walk out that minute. you also go straight to HR and tell your side of the story. this sounds like wrongful termination. she blows up - she is missing a few cogs. You need to also tell them after she "fired" you she wanted you back. I hope you didn't stay to help out?

if you are the suing type, make the bastards sweat - or at least her. HR will have to pull her in for an investigation if you scream loudly enough. I would have marched right up to HR post haste. at min cause a ruckus.

I empathize completely. I've described myself as dispassionate. I just don't have passion for anything. That is a symptom of depression which may have been caused by Lyme.

It's interesting that you mention dissociation. That's just about my worst symptom, and it's one of the first symptoms I experienced. I've had it for 25+ years. Dissociation is caused by trauma, usually child abuse. But I know that's not the case for me. (I hope it isn't for you.) And that leaves Lyme as a likely suspect. Lyme certainly is synonymous with trauma. Some people dissociate; some don't.

You should be recognized for doing well at work despite the handicap that Lyme brings. It's hard enough to do well without having Lyme. I don't know your feelings, but I would find it difficult to go to HR or your boss about your situation. My lack of passion prevents me from being confrontational. I get stepped on quite a lot in my life. I hope your lack of emotion won't get in the way of justice. Good luck.

Thanks for so many responses.

Krazykt1 - tested for bartonella, neg result. I believe I do have bartonella as have 99% of symptoms. Got scratched on forehead again in summer of 2003, response to it was undescribable, people though I was a junky, was really quite funny at least for me. Walking/stumbling all over the place, face scratched up and highly inflamed and talking to myself, well you can imagine what people were thinking. I was on my way to an interview (crazy me for thinking anyone would hire me, they didn't - wonder why but heard that person they hired only stayed 3 weeks, their loss).

Minoucat - bellylaugh - what's that. Lost my silliness years ago. While on abx, was slowly coming back. I too hate confrontation of any kind. Now the flat effect, glaucoma gives a "flat effect". I see everything that way, isn't that a coincidence, I actually see everything flat, but also feel everything that way.

Everything about me is flat. I could be one of those cut-out cardboard dolls, well an old doll and have often wished that I could somehow find a crutch to lean on, like the little cardboard tab at back to lean. Instead I lean on you guys, a much better support.

lymiecanuk - OCD - I do have that, I chew on my baby finger on left hand, have since I was a baby, especially when stressed out and I don't even know I am doing, except for the fact finger is twisted and gnarled and becomes quite sore when bin in my mouth for a long time, saliva is acidic. That's why I like keeping busy with my hands.

Mo & solsearcher - dissociation/detached, yes I am well aware of dissociation. Lyme dissociation is the strangest feeling for me, that is why I thought I had alzeimer's. I am sure I couldn't recognize myself some days, hehehe. I have been keeping a mini journal of my cycles, even when not on abx. Cycles stay the same - interesting now that I can see it. I know my emotions do show up, usually as a giddy sense which I have to keep under control, more like a wild-eyed frantic imbecile, that is how I feel inside. Again when on abx, I was much calmer.There is a vast different between the two types of dissocation. I would have to say both are very alarming and harmful. I have lots of work to do, probably til the day I die, which I hope won't be for a long time. I have lots to do and I sure want to enjoy myself a lot more than I have in the past 58 years.

shazdancer - post tramatic stress syndrome, diagnosed with that 3 years ago caused by multiple abuses since a child. When doc said no to alzeimers, then I went for counselling b/c was giving up on life. What a blessing in my counsellor.

flygirl - well I have an interview on Thursday morning for a temp position 15 minutes from where I live, within the same organization (government health field) that I just left, also human resources feel there might be 2 other people/dept interested in hiring me permanently. Whee, yahoo. I am a little hyped up right now and scared.

I cannot thank you all for your responses, I thought it was just me suffering from myself. You have no idea of how this has helped me. I wish I could reach out and hug all of you. My spirits are lifted.

Corinne

Good luck and when you get a chance, check out the responses. Maybe they'll help.