posted
once you start feeling so desperate and get those terrible thoughts in your mind that you wish you could just die so your suffering would finally be over, well how do you make those thoughts get out of your head?? other than the usual watch a funny show, or listen to favorite music? how to get them to stop repeating in your mind? any advice would be appreciated thanks, i cant really take any meds due to side effects and interactions with other meds, radha
Posts: 392 | From New York | Registered: Dec 2005
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Areneli
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6740
posted
I have been there, hold on. Things will get better. For example there is a bunch of alternative treatments that seem to work for many people.
Just see a shrink if you are in stage of plannig and doing something about it.
Too bad, but many of us end up actually doing it at certain stage. How many? I don't know but I assume it will be quite a bit, perhaps 20%.
Posts: 1538 | From Planet Earth | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
sent pm
Posts: 169 | From former Philadelphian | Registered: Jun 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
8-7-06 NATIONWIDE SUICIDE HOTLINE 1.800.784.2433 now please! If you are feeling suicidal, please call the SUICIDE HOTLINE. We care about you.
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posted
In my experience with this - I have learned to just ride it out.
It does ease up and or go away , so when those thoughts come in - keep thinking this to shall pass.
Because it does!
And you can't say that - or see for sure if it passes - if your not here.
Hang in and take the ride (even tho scary) but it's worth it because there is a livable life beyond those thoughts!
Posts: 374 | From NJ | Registered: Aug 2006
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lymie tony z
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5130
posted
Hey Radha,
Lean on us
When you're not strong
We'll be your strength
We'll keep ya holding on
or
We'll be that bridge over troubled waters
We will lead you on
or
When you're down and troubled
And you need a hand to hold
and nothing is going right
just go online and write us
and soon we'll all be there
to brighten up even your darkest nite
Just write our name
and you know wherever we're from
we'll come running to write you again
Winter spring summer or fall
We've been thru it all
and we'll be there yea yea yea
you've got some friends......
zman
-------------------- I am not a doctor...opinions expressed are from personal experiences only and should never be viewed as coming from a healthcare provider. zman Posts: 2527 | From safety harbor florida(origin Cleve., Ohio | Registered: Jan 2004
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BostonLyme2005
Unregistered
posted
HI Radha,
Get some help with this if you feel you are getting worse...Make Lyme friends, more friends, keep having people in your life...Call people, talk to them...Get a support group...
posted
Great song Tony-are you putting it on the new CD by the Lymenuts!
My moods fluctuate so much-intellectually I also tell myself to ride it out, because this too shall pass.
Recently when I was feeling particularly down and discouraged and what's the use- I remembered that I was on Flagyl-which has a reputation for plunging one's mood.
So I told myself it was the Flagyl talking-not me. I have three more days on this cycle-can't wait to make it to the finish line. I will feel like Superman for surviving.
Here's another harsh truth- my brother committed suicide five years ago-and the anguish that suicide inflicts on those left behind is never ending.
So I think of that,too. JUst because I am in pain, emotionally, physically-do I really want to inflict my family or friends with such torment. No-so my new trick is to Play Possum until the danger or risk of suicide has passed, then I pick up my sorry a$$ and move forward.
I hear ya. Some very good suggestions have been given here... although personally I don't think some of them would work for me. Can't afford a shrink! Besides, I'm not the type that talks well to "strangers" about myself anyway, and it would HAVE to be a Lyme-literate shrink or why bother? Nobody else could begin to understand the true depth of what we go through, right?
I have heard that massages are great mood-lifters. Not only do they improve circulation and lymphatic drainage, but they stimulate the release of "feel-good" hormones in the brain. It is definitely on my list of things to try! I have heard similar things about yoga.
When I get really down, I try to work on a hobby that I enjoy. There is something healing about the process of creating something.
Sometimes learning a new skill or hobby is a perker-upper. There are always free or low-cost community classes being offered, or local clubs that have free how-to's. Next spring, for example, I want to learn about herb gardening so I can grow my own fresh, organic goodies.
Other times, I try to take a walk (albeit a slow, shuffling one!) in a beautiful place, preferably one where I can see and hear some running water.
I've become "downright uptight" about getting 15 to 30 minutes of sunshine each day. I was surprised at how much it helps my mood.
Sometimes, I take a really hot bubble bath, surrounded by my favorite candles, snacks (chocolate-dipped strawberries, mmmm), music, and a good book.
One thing that is hard to do but always helps is find a way to serve others in need. I know, you're thinking, "Where am I going to find the time and energy to do that? I hurt too much, I can't help anyone!" That's what I thought. But there are so many ways to help others, and it helped me realize that as crappy as I feel, that I can still make an impact in the world. It has a way of giving you back a little bit of meaning.
I have also made a list of "Things I Want To Do Before I Die". This is NOT your typical list of Lose-ten-pounds kind of goals. Some of them are fairly straightforward and inexpensive, like "learn how to bake the Perfect Apple Pie" or "learn how to play the guitar". Others take more planning to achieve, like "kiss my true love on top of the Eiffel Tower" or "walk on the Great Wall of China". I have over 100 things on my list currently... and some have been checked off! When I feel bummed out, I get out my list and start daydreaming, and try to plan what next item I want to work on and how to achieve it.
Hope this helps a little... I'll be thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way!
Posts: 220 | From central TX | Registered: Jun 2005
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Cobweb
Unregistered
posted
Following up on TexasCHaos's lead- even though I am on disability, I do volunteer work. My two best days of the week are
1.)Tuesday when I go to a nearby school and do data entry. I figure if I can sit at my home computer I can sit at someone else's computer,too.It's not hard , and they love me! I also get a free lunch out of the deal. Will Work for Food!
2.) and on Friday's I go to the Church office to put together Sunday Service bulletins and listen to Christian Contempory Music. Always makes me feel good and useful.
Unfortunately today is Thursday-think I will go sit in the sunshine for 15 minutes-although I'm on Doxy , I think the axis of the sun is low enough.
I don't want to work this hard to get through Lyme and not make it.
trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
I can't say anything better than what's been said but have been there and am not far from it now.
I have no brilliant advice but wanted to give you these...
I hope they help a little.
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
Hang in there(((( Rada))))
Things do get better over time.
When I feel down I make a list of the good things left in my life and then try to think of them all day long. I also just try to live each day at a time.
Please promise to talk to your LLMD about this he or she may want to start you on some anti-depressents to get you threw this rough time.
I read you can't take meds now. Have you thought about an herbal protocal or rife?
Rife has kept me in remission now for the last 6 months I have not been able to stomach meds.
Again its real important to find someone to talk to right now
please hold on
Rada
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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lymie tony z
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5130
posted
OK OK OK...
Radah and blue...cut it out....
What....do I have to come there and kick your butts?
Yeah...the webhead is right...if you're taking flagyl or metronidazole or tinidazole it can make you lethargic/depressed......
Sooooo can the disease itself.....
I got some lexapro for my high hi's and low low's
and have been cool for about three years now...
Ya can't wait sometimes for the abx to squelch the downers or uppers emotionally....
You gotta replace or mask or whatever chemical or symptom that gets you to this dark place.....
And do it fast.....we need ya both around here.......
THAT'S AN ORDER!
zman
-------------------- I am not a doctor...opinions expressed are from personal experiences only and should never be viewed as coming from a healthcare provider. zman Posts: 2527 | From safety harbor florida(origin Cleve., Ohio | Registered: Jan 2004
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Jill E.
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9121
posted
I have seen firsthand what suicide by family members who have devastating, mistreated diseases can do to those of us who are left behind.
There can be terrible guilt about why didn't the other family members try to do more, regret about what might have been, and simply mourning the loss of someone before their time.
When I get depressed about how Lyme has affected my life, I focus on the fact that I have family, friends, neighbors and colleagues who would be affected by my passing.
I also believe in God and pray all the time and have others pray for me.
I'm trying to focus more these days on what I am still able to do, rather than focus so much on what I can no longer do. It is very hard but I'm trying - even writing it in a journal.
I wish you all the best. Thank goodness for Lymenet because we are all in the same boat and have lots of cyber-shoulders to lean on.
Jill
-------------------- If laughter is the best medicine, why hasn't stand-up comedy cured me? Posts: 1773 | From San Diego | Registered: Apr 2006
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char
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8315
posted
Hello,
I urge you to see psychiatrist to look into medication to help you with depression.
Lyme disease changes brain chemsistry; some abx we need have depression as a side effect; and having a chronic illness causes depression.
Being stuck on same thought (there is a professional term for this which I can't remember),hopelessness, and SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! are classic symptoms of depression.
Please act on this...We are in a marathon; so not to be negative, this particular struggle will probably not resolve until health is more improved.
Also, IMO, treating depression will help immune system, outlook, ability to move about; which all can speed your recovery.
I have first-hand experience with myself and 2 family members and I am a believer!
posted
Um, guys, Radha specifically mentioned no meds... and we need to respect that.
I was pushed onto meds too, and they caused additional problems that I am still dealing with, 8 months after I quit taking them. Problems that COMPOUNDED the depression.
There are other ways of dealing with the chemical imbalances of the brain's neurotransmitters. The key is finding things that help the brain *naturally* deal with those hormones. Everybody has heard about how exercise helps the body release those natural endorphins... etc, etc.
For some folks, meds are fantastic. For others, meds are a nightmare. So please just respect a person's wishes and don't keep suggesting that they try something that they have already stated they will not try.
Posts: 220 | From central TX | Registered: Jun 2005
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
My sugestion would to be to see a dr about it.
If you are not comfortable seeing a psychatrist than I would make your llmd aware of how bad things are.
If your llmd is expereinced treating lyme patients then I am sure he has had many other patients dealing with the same issues.
Even if you are against prescription meds there may be supplements of some kind that you can take.
Please hang in there. And get some kind of professional help. Please dont let this disease beat you. It does get better - I promise.
TerryK
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 8552
posted
I agree with azure wish and many others. Talk to your LLMD.
That said, I've found that flower essences are very helpful if you get the right one and they are benign and often give relief very quickly. If you don't know where to begin and you can't find a practioner you might try rescue remedy by bach. You might also consider EFT which is a form of accupressure that you can easily learn and perform on yourself. Amazingly effective and worth a try since it does not require that you ingest any medications and the effects are very quick. http://www.mercola.com/forms/eftcourse.htm
I hope you get some relief quickly. Terry
Posts: 6286 | From Oregon | Registered: Jan 2006
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I was suicidal (had constant repetitive obsessive intrusive thoughts about it) on and off through most of my battle with Lyme. The fact that you are here asking about it and connecting with people is a sign that the real you, the real Radha, who doesn't have her brain twisted into a neurological pretzel by Lyme Disease, would never want to do something that self-destructive. It is this awful disease.
I began to see a pattern of a slippery slope when the depression and intrusive thoughts would begin, and I learned to be proactive and do things to prevent it from getting worse right at the beginning of a mental flare.
I took antidepressant herbs, I learned how to do cranialsacral work on my own head and neck, I would do aromatherapy on my head and neck.
I would think about how this was just the freaky funhouse mirror version of me that Lyme had created wanting to be self-destructive.
The real me is an optimistic survivor who will do anything to cling to life, no matter how horrid it gets sometimes.
I would tell myself "This too shall pass". That was my repetitive mantra.
I would go and hide under the covers and not let myself even get up or move around till self destructive thoughts passed.
I would think of my husband, and of how I could never leave him alone like that.
I stayed away from mean people (mostly family members) who seemed to trigger this symptom for me.
I learned to knit and to crochet. I couldn't really meditate normally because my mind was so overheated and on overdrive, but doing something repetitive with my hands like knitting would take a lot of the edge off.
And like everyone else said, if you can get out of the house, volunteering and helping less fortunate people really helps.
It pulled me out of my own pain and suffering to focus on others who needed help and my mood would inevitably lift.
Other crafty things, like drawing, also helped my brain when I felt horrid.
I think cranialsacral work, the aromatherapy, the herbs, and Bach flower all helped me a lot. I also take niacin now in large amounts. The niacin seemed to really help any residual brain issues I had.
For me, I figured out that I had the brain symptoms including the suicidal thoughts when blood circulation to my brain was constricted by the disease, and my cranial bones would jam up (I don't know how to say this in a more technical way).
Increasing blood circulation to my brain by releasing the constrictions in my scalp, temples, neck, and shoulders through the aromatherapy , cranialsacral work, and deep tissue massage(the deep tissue can hurt a lot) inevitably made my crazy thoughts subside within the hour.
I would usually start having a headache and the beginnings of a migraine before I would start having neuropsychiatric symptoms, so I learned that I needed to pay attention to any oncoming headache as a warning to start stepping up taking care of myself.
Stay strong. It can and does get better over time, though when you are in the thick of this disease, it can feel never-ending. This too shall pass. You will get better. You will be able to resume living the rest of your life. This is just an enormous, practically soulbreaking, test.
I do think it is worth taking antidepressants for a short time when these symptoms get bad. They can save your life, even though I am not a person who normally reaches for conventional meds at all.
Take care of yourself.
Farah
Posts: 208 | From New Mexico | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Amazing how long this thread is getting- how many of us with lyme have felt this same way.
Last night I had a breakdown, and sometimes, those thought do come out - that it would be easier if things would just end.
But deep inside, I know that I have a bright future and life ahead of me. So last night, instead of letting myself get too depressed, I drank some tea, and went to sleep. Sometimes there's nothing you can do but sleep- and then you feel better when you wake up.
Posts: 24 | From MS | Registered: Sep 2006
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hopeful123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3244
posted
although many of us here can identify with your feelings, none of us is a health provider. this is serious. talk to your llmd. today. please.
-------------------- some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield Posts: 1160 | From NY | Registered: Oct 2002
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posted
I used to be a champion, a warrior, a crusader (mostly for lost causes). I have trouble remembering that person.
I contemplate the freedom of not having to live anymore but suicide has also touched my family and I ultimately know I won't do that.
Many of my darkest thoughts come, as they are right now, when I have to take another round of babesia meds. There is something about clindamycin/quinine that is effective but sends me into a dark spiral downward.
My family is nowhere. I have the worlds best supportive husband but fear that he will grow weary too. There are a few friends that stuck it out with me and I'm so grateful for them. So....I hang onto them until the effect of the meds pass.
Many of the suggestions that Farah mentioned I do and they help me too. I pray daily to understand the reason why ill people are deserted by family and friends.
I am very grateful for lymenet. Thank you.
Posts: 460 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2005
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Seems we have all experienced the darkest of downs that comes from...
* twisted spirochetes wreaking havoc on our brains and bodies
* PLUS strong medications undulating with side effects we could never have dreamed up
* PLUS life being disrupted by the crawl of progress that doesn't always feel like progress!
A friend once told me with most seriousness, "Always remember that suicide is the gift that keeps on giving."
Morbid, I know, but so true when you look at those around you and think of how your choice would impact them.
Insult the Lyme not the unfortunate host! Get angry at those ****ing chetes and move away from the darkness they are trying to spread over you. Wage battle on their wiley butts!
There is no one to replace the unique person you are... honor that person.... you.
I wish you strength,
wiserforit
Posts: 508 | From Banks of the Hudson | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
My suggestion would be to take CoQ10 (400 mg minimum) and Resveratrol (Japanese knotweed source is best)-- both will help with brain inflammation.
Then try some supplements to help increase serotonin -- 5-HTP or St John's Wort -- must take Resveratrol with these or things will be worse instead of better.
Also SAM-e (400 or 600 mg or can go as high as 1200 mg).
These are the supplements that helped hubby more than all the psychotropic meds. Hubby continues to take all these supplements and has been off all psychotropic meds for over 3 years now.
Before that he had 4 psych admits -- before Lyme was diagnosed and before antibiotic treatment.
Over time the antibiotics should help with the brain inflammation, but you need to help supply the body with the materials to make the neurotransmitters.
B vitamins and magnesium are also needed to calm your nervous system.
A nutritionally oriented doc can help, but all these supplements are available in most health food stores. Very hard to overdose or harm yourself by trying these supplements -- not like psychotropic meds which hubby tried to O.D. on twice.
Sam-e and 5-HTP should show results within a week or two in my opinion. This is not medical advice, but is based on hubby's experiences.
As always with any supplements add one thing at a time and start with a low dose and increase gradually. Too much CoQ10 can cause a headache as the brain detoxes.
Bea Seibert
Posts: 7306 | From Martinsville,VA,USA | Registered: Oct 2004
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I have not read what the others posted. I can only add my perspective on things.
First, I had to get off of antidepressants. They took the wind right out of my sails.
Once I was off them, I had the fight back in me to overcome this.
But, I did have times when the chemistry in the brain seemed to change and no longer living seemed to be the mode.
If I waited it out, I was myself again and could not even recall what it was like while I was going through that strange stuff.
I wonder at times if it was because I needed to detox that caused things to be so unbearable both health wise and mentally and emotionally and spiritually.
I am just glad that those days are not few and far between. They really scared me.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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Cobweb
Unregistered
posted
I would feel a whole lot better if Radha would check back in after asking for help-and getting it. Anybody been in contact with her? Carol B
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lymie tony z
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5130
posted
I agree CarolB(webhead)!
Where you at RADHA?
Let us know you're OK!
zman
-------------------- I am not a doctor...opinions expressed are from personal experiences only and should never be viewed as coming from a healthcare provider. zman Posts: 2527 | From safety harbor florida(origin Cleve., Ohio | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
I am amazed that this symptom is so prevalent. Someone told me about a supplement with vit/min and l-phenylalaline - said it's supposed to be a mood stabilizer. I am not recommending, just sharing info.
I am amazed that still few psychiatrists, psychologists, etc don't know about this!
I can't wait until there is more publicity, dr. education - documentary, etc.
I am in the midst of these very symptoms!!! I can't believe I have survived thus far! It has been a moment to moment struggle most of the time. There was a time that was worse--I had to repeat to myself NOW, NOW, NOW (as in: live in each moment--don't think of the future, past, etc.)
THANK you everyone! I hope Radha is OK. I will try private message.
-Jennifer
Posts: 67 | From New York | Registered: Dec 2005
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
Any news? I'd feel better if I knew Radha was holding on.
Radha, hang in there, kiddo!
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
And Jennifer... for you...
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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I read it, and I couldn't respond immediately, because it was so close to home.
I fight this battle frequently, and I see it that way: a battle with an enemy to fight, resist, and survive.
I try to bring light to my small corner of the world, even if it is something small like a kind tone of voice when I feel really awful.
Supplements have helped some. EFT has helped some.
One thing that also helps me is to copy inspirational or helpful thoughts on index cards that I put on my mirror, above kitchen sink, on dashboard, and in the page of my daily planner which is my always-with-me reminder/note place.
When things are bad, sometimes I just have to choose to repeat the words on the cards, no matter how I feel.
If I can, I say them aloud. I think the message gets to more of my brain when I hear it.
Some aren't helpful to me, and I throw them out.
Some are, and I end up memorizing them, and they become more a part of me.
Thank you for sharing authentically with us, and thank you for verbalizing what alot of us are going through.
Posts: 233 | From United States | Registered: Oct 2006
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Cobweb
Unregistered
posted
And always remember- when going through He!! keep moving.
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
thanks so so so so much for all your concern and caring replies, the worst thing is i am totally housebound, pretty much much bedridden, cant walk or stand at all, just getting into wheelchair to go from bedroom to den is a huge trip and can barely eat due to POTS and low bp and cant handle any abx at all, even tiny bit, coz of herx too too strong, and i do color which is the only hobby i can do right now, and little reading here and there, pain level is too high, exhaustion, fog, you name it, i have it, anxiety, well could go and on and on, but i do pray alot, would love to go to a psychiatrist but cant travel at all, and i have the best parents, but i just hate how much my illnesses have affected their lives, not that they every make me feel like a burden, i am very blessed that way, i just cant help but think i am just driving them down, especially my mom who is pretty much connected to at the hip 24 hrs a day, and i hate making her sad when all i do is keep telling her all my depressing problems and feelings all day long, so i deal with alot of guilt and i know i am getting worse and dont know what to do about it, i have been sick since 15 and will now be 30 next week and just progressively getting worse, anyway, i am sure if i could go out once in a while or volunteer or do any of the other stuff you all suggested, it would help the depression, i do take st.johns wort and 5 HTP, and did try several of the BACH remedies but they didnt help me, i have babs, and lyme, and who knows what else, but again i cant thank all of you enough for caring so much radha
Posts: 392 | From New York | Registered: Dec 2005
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I read a little of what you posted. I too was pretty much bedridden from 2001 to the summer of 2004.
I was just recalling this morning how when I moved here a year ago, I was not able to get up and get something to eat.
I would wait until meals on wheels came around noon before I had anything to eat.
I am able to pretty much get something to eat in the mornings if I keep it simple.
I also felt the abx were making me worse instead of better at first. I would back off of them.
But, that didn't help either so I would go back on them.
I started taking one abx...sorry can't recall which one...and I noticed I was able to sit upright for short periods of times.
I am in my 5th year of having this since it knocked me on my but.
I have been treated since 2003 so I am in my 3rd year of treatment.
The abx are not so hard on me now. I am able to get outdoors for an hour in my power chair almost daily....problem is the power chair batteries need replacing so I am grounded once a gain and not a happy camper until I can come up with the funds to purchase new batteries and tires.
Can you believe that. I actually wore the batteries and tires out!
There are a lot of different power chairs. I don't know about you, but I find I need one that supports my body and allows me to recline and has leg lifts.
Don't have one of those yet. But, it sounds like you could use one also.
If your insurance will not provide there are used ones out there. Coming up with the funds for it may be an obstacle for you too.
A person donated the old Jazzy Pride 1100 I have.
It has made a world of difference for me.
It took several years of trying to get a power chair before I actually got one...about 3 years.
It also took 3 years of being on a waiting list before i got a service dog. She has made a big improvement in my life too.
I tell you these things because they made a difference for me.
I too can not read. But, I do spend a lot of time on the computer playing solitaire and another game to take my mind off of things.
When I first started, It was very difficult for me to play these games. Now, I do pretty good.
I also can lay flat on my back while I play them now.
Before, I was curled up in the fetus position and feeling lousy while I played.
Things do get better.
I don't know how long you have been battling this. YOu probably mentioned it and I was not able to read it.
My LLMD has made a world of difference also.
I have a counselor that comes to the house and is paid by the county or state.
She doesn't really have a clue what it is like to live with this.
WE are kind of turning out to be friends though.
Things will get better. You will find a way. Remeber the turtle wins the race.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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TerryK
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 8552
posted
Rahda, I'm sooooo sorry that you are suffering so much.
I wanted to mention that bach won't help unless you get the right remedy and sometimes you need more than one. Also, sometimes the changes will be subtle until you go through several as it can be like peeling an onion.
I've been close to being bedridden at times over the past 20 years and I know how horrible and hopeless I felt. Just keep looking for a way to get some help. Don't give up.
I pray that you receive some relief soon!! Terry
Posts: 6286 | From Oregon | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Often, it is the connection with others that helps resolve feelings and give us a sense of purpose. A sense of connection of our soul with others may suddenly provide understanding and peace.
Kam ended her post with a Helen Keller quote that triggered feelings for me. Helen wrote a book, The Story of My Life. In Chap. VI, she writes;
"I remember the morning that I first asked the meaning of the word 'love'. This was before I knew many words. I had found a few early violets in the garden and brought them to my teacher. She tried to kiss me; but at that time I did not like to have any one kiss me except my mother. Miss Sullivan put her arm gently round me and spelled into my hand, 'I love Helen'.
'What is love?' I asked.
She drew me closer to her and said, 'It is here', pointing to my heart, whose beats I was conscious of for the first time. Her words puzzled me very much because I did not then understand anything unless I touched it.
I smelt the violets in her hand and asked, half in words, half in signs, a question which meant, 'Is love the sweetness of flowers?'
'No', said my teacher.
Again I thought. The warm sun was shining on us.
'Is this not love?' I asked, pointing in the direction from which the heat came. 'Is this not love?'
It seemed to me that there could be nothing more beautiful than the sun, whose warmth makes all things grow. But Miss Sullivan shook her head, and I was greatly puzzled and disappointed. I thought it strange that my teacher could not show me love.
A day or two afterward I was stringing beads of different sizes in symmetrical groups-two large beads, three small ones, and so on. I had made many mistakes, and Miss Sullivan had pointed them out again and again with gentle patience. Finally I noticed a very obvious error in the sequence and for an instnt I concentrated my attention on the lesson and tried to think how I should have arranged the beads. Miss Sullivan touched my forehead and spelled with decided emphasis, 'Think'.
In a flash I knew that the word was the name of the process that was going on in my head. This way my first conscious perception of an abstract idea. For a long time I was still. I was not thinking of the beads in my lap, but trying to find the meaning for 'love' in the light of this new idea. The sun had been under a cloud all day and there had been brief showers, but suddenly the sun broke forth in all its southern splendour.
Again, I asked by teacher, 'Is this not love?'
'Love is something like the clouds that were in the sky before the sun came out' she replied. Then is simpler words than these, which at that time I could not have understood, she explained, 'You cannot touch the clouds, you know, but you feel the rain and know how glad the flowers and the thristy earth are to have it after a hot day. You cannot touch love either, but you feel the sweetness that it pours into everything. Without love you would not be happy or want to play.'
The beautiful truth burst upon my mind-I felt that there were invisabile lines stretched between my spirit and the spirits of others."
Posts: 158 | From Ecuador | Registered: Apr 2006
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i am a mother..above all things. spending three months of my life in desperate search of my former self. i was hit hard..painfully..and fast...running..and screaming for someone to do something. i found myself incredibly in debt. wanting validation for my illness. i ended up in a critical care diagnostic hospital facility for 13 days...with no hope for finding out what this is. what i found there...were family members of 13 year old children who had been diagnosed with bone cancer...parents who went thru the death of their infants while i was there...this is a place everyone goes...when they are desperate. a place where the diagnose is usually grave.
i left with no hope for my illness...or my pain. but god gave me those who were selfless..and without hope.
and so...i am left with gratitude...for what i have. no matter how devestating painfull and debilitating it is. for i am here...and he chose me to be here...for those who love me.
you are in my prayers. it is amazing how god can make life bigger than me. every single day.
kisses..and hugs.. kim
-------------------- persevere...doctors will kill you Posts: 2 | From arkansas | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
thanks again for all your kind words, i have been sick so so long that i just cant remember who i really am, all i know is sickness and cant see anything beyond that because i just feel bad all the time, i cant remember who i was before i got sick and sometimes now i dont like the person i am, like when i know i am irritating my mom and testing her patience and sometimes saying things i really dont mean but i try hard not to say anything too bad! and then later having to live with the guilt even though my mom is very forgiving, and still i do things i dont like! and the last thing i want is to turn into a cranky ***** that even i would not like! anyway, thanks to all of you for listening, radha
Posts: 392 | From New York | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
It is really difficult to resolve feelings resulting from Lyme infecting the brain. The feelings seem similar to those of severe trauma or abuse victims.
Eperiencing severe trauma or abuse often creates very negative feelings that are very difficult to resolve. This is especially true when the trauma is repeated over and over.
It seems like that with Lyme disease. Through no fault of our own, infection can impair the brain's ability to process thoughts and emotions. I know my feelings were extreme and changable before I got antibiotics and I still struggle.
I now know the traumatic feelings I experienced were not triggered by my distant past, but from the brain infection. I felt so alone and did not want to be a burden to family.
Forunately, I did come to live with my mother. She is providing support and helping me to progress with treatment. It does not matter that I'm also a grandparent, I need an environment in which I can heal.
It is easier for me to give sugestions to others than to do them myself. Here are some things I have to remind myself of.
Feelings are OK. The trick is letting them out without hurting anyone else or just stewing in the feelings.
It does not help to cry for hours or days. It is good to give others feedback on how their behavior makes us feel. For example, "When you _________, I feel_______(mad, sad, scared, hurt. etc.)".
The feelings noted above can be expressed on a gut level. For example, if I said "I'm mad" intensely a few times in a deep voice, I would feel better. If I said, "I'm angry a few times with the same intensity, my throat would tighten up and my voice would raise. I would start to get a headache in my forehead and my lower back could even hurt. (Note the difference between overly controlling the feelings and just letting them go.)
I hope this all makes sense. Since I got Lyme, it has been more difficult to explain things like this. I'm also trying to figure out how our feelings may be different and how we can make it better.
Radha, it sounds like you have a great mother and you are also a compassionate person.
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