posted
I tried to break this up into semi-readable segments. I love it!
The Lyme Store
Now, coming to an internet site near you, it's The Lyme Store, the best one-stop-on-line-shop for the Lyme disease sufferer.
Come purchase items for all your needs, from leisure to sleepwear, or just browse if you are short on cash.
For Sale:
Eunice's Enema Bags--Strong, sturdy, and really gets the garbage out, quickly, safely and effectively! On sale: two for ten dollars
Rage Reliever-- More powerful than Prozac, these specially-formulated anger-management pills will help keep your relationships with your loved ones from perishing. Buy two bottles, get one free....After all, somebody you know probably has Lyme disease, they just don't know it yet.
Jumbo Pill Organizer--Because the ones they sell in the drugstore just aren't big enough to fit your weekly pharmacy of Lyme supplements.
Super-Sized Punching Bag-- And you thought these were only for boxers? Next time you are furious at your lot in life, just go to work on this baby! It's better than taking it out on your wife or husband. Hang it in your basement or garage, where there's lots of space for swinging and screaming.
Nature Posters-- For when you can't do anything but stare at the wall, these provide you with some colorful scenes to take your mind off of your life of nothingness. Caution: Not for use in those who end up envious that they can't be part of the nature scene.
Dumb Bells-- For the Lyme disease sufferer they have a much more important function than exercise. For only five bucks a dumb bell, you can rid yourself of insomnia by knocking yourself silly before bedtime. Yeah, you may have a headache by morning, but hey, at least they work better than all those sleep meds you've been taking.
Personality Disorder Bracelet-- Kind of like a medical bracelet for those with diabetes, to alert others to their problem in a life-or-death situation. In the Lyme disease sufferer, it serves as a handy disclaimer for when others just don't understand your strange behavior.
Post-It Notes-- Color-coded so you can organize your life by subject; health appointments, work assignments, relationship obligations and every little piece of information that your spectacular memory cannot retain. Buy two and get one free. Post them everywhere; on the refrigerator, on the toilet, on your steering wheel, nightstand, wherever! These are as versatile as you are.
Foggy Days And Sunny Days Calendar, 2007-- Get one of each for whatever the day may bring. Choose the Foggy Days Calendar, which is more compact and provides smaller squares for writing in the day's obligations. The small spaces mean you don't have to feel guilty for what you can't fit into a Foggy Day. Choose the larger-squared Sunny Day calendar for when you are feeling like Superman (or Woman) and can make up for lost time by penciling-in three times as many tasks as yesterday's Foggy Day.
I-Wish-I-Had-A-Life Journal-- An exceptionally great product for when life just sucks. By writing down everything that you aren't able to do, you have some hard core evidence for gratitude down the road when things get better.
Epsom Bubble Bath N' Salts-- Who says Lymie's should have to bathe in boring, flat, colorless salt water? Grab your rubber duckie and check these out! Enjoy sweet-scented bubbles while detoxing with classic Epsom salts. One product, one stop, all the way!
Airline Travel Kit-- Now available at the Lyme store! Yes, you are unique, dear Lyme sufferer! Only you would need orange earplugs and a dark eye mask whenever you are off the airplane to keep your sleep sound. But no worries, you don't have to travel to the airport anymore for these, as the Lyme store now carries them for only twice the price, at ten dollars a set.
Sign-It-Yourself, All-Purpose Doctor's Letter-- Set of twenty, for use on all occasions. Suggested uses: Calling in sick for work, as an excuse for not having to wait in line at security at the airport; securing prescriptions that your physician refuses to write for you, and much more!
Emergency Snack Kit-- Gluten free, nut free, corn-free, sugar-free, soy-free. No added hormones, pesticides, antibiotics, preservatives or other unnatural garbage. A necessity when your blood sugar plummets out in the middle of nowhere, this emergency snack kit is a nutritious life-saver that may not have much flavor, but is faithful to get you through the day. We're not sure what's in it but it's all good and totally organic.
Mini-Address And Phone Book-- Since you've probably lost many of your friends through your journey with Lyme, we've kept this one small. Compact and lightweight, with small spaces like the Foggy Days Calendar.
The Amazing Pillow-Rama Set-- As a Lyme disease sufferer, you have special needs and are entitled to special treatment. While one pillow suffices for the healthy soul, you have the honor of requiring three or four to meet your needs for slumber. We have designed the Pillow-Rama Set with you in mind. Choose Pillow #1 for your head, Pillow #2 to prop against your back, Pillow #3 to cuddle against your belly, and Pillow #4 as a back-up for whenever Pillows 1-3 end up on the floor from all that shish-kabob-ing you do during the night. What's more, our new Pillow Set is versatile! You can rearrange Pillows #1-4 as needed, taking all the guesswork out of which fluffy to use for whatever body part.
The Green Wardrobe-- As a Lyme sufferer, you know how hard it is to make the simplest of decisions. In this wardrobe, we've removed all the guesswork from getting dressed by putting together two identical outfits, both green, which you wear day after day, without having to think about what else you might have to put on. Comes with matching green underpants and green socks. Why green? Well, why not? This is a meticulously chosen color that has been scientifically proven to enable you to think about spring and warmer days ahead.
Detachable Air Purifier-- For use under your clothing, this battery-operated, compact air purifier automatically releases rose-scented perfume every time your digestion malfunctions and you can't help but free that bubble building in your gut. Designed to combat even the foulest of free-floating gas.
The Little Book Of Excuses-- Ever wondered how to say No to that party invitation you already agreed to? How to decline your best friend's need for a babysitter? How to reject a date with the guy next door? This little book is chock-full of ways to let `em down, with exceptionally valid excuses for the fatigued as a bonus.
Plastic Sympathy Doll-- Blow her up and watch her shoulders expand! Designed of strong, sturdy plastic so that you can lean comfortably upon her, the Sympathy Doll provides a nice place to rest your head whenever the going gets tough. Just use your imagination a little and pretend she's a real person. That way, you won't be disappointed when she doesn't say much in response to your tears. But hey, aren't the best friends in the world the ones who just simply listen?
The Lyme Dating Book-- Find out whether your date is stellar marriage material by estimating his capacity to deal with pain, early nights in, a restricted diet, and moments of brain fog and rage.
Pocket Lyme Dictionary, The New Transposed Word version-- For when your brain can't put two and two together and you need a new, improved dictionary that makes sense only to you, the Lyme sufferer.
101 Things To Do On A Bad Lyme Day-- With everything from watching daddy longlegs move down the wall to salivating on your pillow, this compact book offers real-life suggestions from real-life Lyme sufferers on how to make the most (or least) of your time.
The Jerry Springer Re-Run Set--Just so you can feel better about your own life.
The Temperature Chameleon-- We know how a busted thyroid can mess with your body's ability to regulate your inner temperature, and that's why we've invented The Temperature Chameleon! A green turtleneck (because we really like green in this store, it reminds us of spring, and sits well with the envious feelings we have towards normal, healthy people!)..., which regulates the body's temperature via a new, patented fabric that keeps you warm when it's warm, and cold when it's cold, just like your body is supposed to do!
Spiro-Paste-- Flouride-free and enhanced with cat's claw and colloidal silver for a new, healthier way to kill Borrelia as you get ready for bed. Just squeeze a bit on your toothbrush and away you go! The spirochetes will never guess what you're up to.
Posts: 588 | From Rhode Island | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
This is great!! Thanks for posting! It's good to be able to laugh at our limitations!! Posts: 261 | From Herx-ville!! | Registered: Aug 2006
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Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
THIS IS THE FREAKIN FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!!!!!
Did you author this??? If so you are a genius! If not, where did you get it?
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I know - isn't it just perfect! I don't know who authored it - it came to me in an email.
They have us down to a T. If my friends and family could read this, they would then understand me!
Posts: 588 | From Rhode Island | Registered: Jun 2006
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Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
Oh, believe me, I am forwarding it to everyone I know! All 3 of my friends and family!
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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