I've been getting very angry very easily lately. I've even taken to ripping my clothes to shreds...? I dunno why.
I'm confused by that.
But today I ripped up a shirt of mine when I got angry and then started laughing like a mad woman! I was scaring myself and thought I might have to to go the hospital for it.
I dont understand why this happening. I want to live, I dont want to get angry for no reason.
So why am I suicidal and angry?
edit... and I'm sorry, I keep posting in the wrong section before I realize I'm doing it!!
Posts: 44 | From Maryland | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
I have no idea if I have bart or not. I know I have the Lyme, but all the coinfection results are forthcoming
Posts: 44 | From Maryland | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Not officially diagnosed lately, however, I have noticed that I am very short tempered.
I am angry alot, at alot of people including God which really bothers me.
Besides the clinical complications of Lyme and the brain, going for such a long time without a diagnosis causes these things as well.
Posts: 25 | From Myersville,Maryland | Registered: Oct 2008
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
boy i'm with you, except for the suicidal.
i was painting the bathroom yesterday and got pain on a t-shirt. i got so angry that instead of finishing the room, i jerked it off and threw it in the trash...then i yelled at myself going "you idiot, you freaking dummie, i liked that shirt...."
then i went and put a nice blouse on and went back to painting...
mostly i stand in the shower and cry....
sort of like living with a volcano and a circus....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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MariaA
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9128
posted
Im sorry to hear that's happening. It's common. Do you have a Lyme-literate doctor that you're seeing for Lyme? Also, have you/can you talk to your family about the fact that depression/rage are both Lyme symptoms?
It can be very hard for family members to deal with the personality changes. I had personality changes when I was very sick, and I had a boyfriend who has Lyme and he was also very hard for me to deal with (irrational) even though I knew exactly why he was going through the personality changes. But, it would have been FAR harder if I didn't know he had Lyme or that Lyme causes the bizarre psychiatric symptoms. Also, it's very, very important to know that they won't last if you get treated. The literature on Lyme is filled with stories about patients who have serious psychiatric symptoms- and that those clear up completely once the patient is properly treated.
it's very important in my opinion to talk to your loved ones about this being a symptom so that they understand what's happening.
I also felt like I had an easier time controlling some of the 'rage' (mine was very minor) once I understood that it was part of Lyme.
Lastly, some patients experience temporary psychiatric disturbances during treatment, so it's important that you and your loved ones understand that this is possible.
-------------------- Symptom Free!!! Thank you all!!!!
posted
I bought a phase contrast scope and tested all sorts of compounds and found abx barely work, and appear to leave the hatchlings, bart, largely untouched.
U need to explore other compounds...your llmd may not have the cure.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
miranda,
reaching out to you in your time of need; just keep posting and letting out your emotions. you've found many here who have/gone thru what you are going thru.
I feel happy one minute and the next I am about to rip my daughter's teacher's head off because she could not accomodate my conference time.
I snap at the kids and my husband all the time. I am really trying to keep it in check, but it is difficult.
I cry when I am in the car alone.
People driving by must think I am nuts...
Hang in there Miranda...I'm sending you lots of positive vibes Posts: 193 | From New Jersey | Registered: Oct 2008
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Ocean
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3496
posted
Hi Miranda, My little sis is also named Miranda! Although I am better with this (much better actually, now my main psych problem is horrible anxiety), I was extremely suicidal in the first 2 years after I got sick. I don't remember a lot of rage, because I hardly remember anything from back then except the depression and feeling awful.
But I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago after I finally got diagnosed, she said that she didn't know what to do for me, that everyone had to walk on eggshells around me or I would just blow up. I do remember once sitting at dinner and I just blew up and walked out for no reason. No idea why. I had always been the quiet, easy going kid, my entire personality changed. The rage scared me a lot. I wish I had known back then what was wrong, I think everything is a little easier now since I know that this is a physical problem.
Best of luck to you, I know how hard it is to go through this stuff and like someone else said, keep posting whenever you feel the need. We truly do understand!
posted
Hi there. Just a reminder and in case you are taking any ABX you can react by getting depressed from the actually reaction of the ABX and the toxins etc to your brain. Stop your meds for about a week and it clears if this is the reason. If not then you have to take some of the other advice on here and your doctor for help. GOOD luck and take care
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Rianna
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11038
posted
This is the tougest part, for me this comes and goes but when it comes does it!!!!!!!!
I seem to have longer spells in between it happening but then wallop out of the blue i'm irrational/angry/depressed and terrible rage etc...... I can only assume its a herx
The saddest thing is when it comes I am such hard work and my poor husband has to deal with a psycological fruitcake and god do I test him. It scares me that inside I know I'm there but a very different person presents.
I hope for anyone going through this we will all get relief from this dreadful suffering with the right treatment.
posted
With lyme, anything abnormal is normal and possible. Fits of rage, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, euphoria, bi polar feelings, loss of inhibitions and control, ....its all lyme related and directly related to the neuro lyme.
Getting on proper treatment asap, and talking out your issues with a a close support person is key to getting past these dark moments in your life.
Whatever you do, resist the urege to act on the bizarre...instead focus on peace of mind, relaxation, and realizing that you are not going crazy. Remember, crazy people dont know theyre going crazy, they just are... If you can rationalize and understand what is happening, you're not crazy...you're sick with lyme.
Posts: 514 | From . | Registered: Apr 2008
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richedie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14689
posted
This happens to me, I break things, rip off clothes and break buttons in the process, punch walls, snap, laugh like a crazy person, etc. I think it can come from the infection and it can come from just sheer frustration and anger from constant symptoms and the politics around all of this.
-------------------- Mepron/Zith/Ceftin Doxy/Biaxin/Flagyl pulse. Artemisinin with Doxy/Biaxin. Period of Levaquin and Ceftin. Then Levaquin, Bactrim and Biaxin. Bactrim/Augmentin/Rifampin. Mepron/Biaxin/Artemisinin/Cat's Claw Rifampin/Bactrim/Alinia Plaquenil/Biaxin Posts: 1949 | From Pennsylvania | Registered: Feb 2008
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Lauralyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15021
posted
Miranda Are you able to get to a gym and exercise? Hopefully you can as it will make a HUGE difference once endorphins are released.
-------------------- Fall down seven times, get up eight ~Japanese proverb Posts: 1146 | From west coast | Registered: Mar 2008
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Rianna
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11038
posted
quote:Originally posted by Lauralyme: Miranda - Are you able to get to a gym and exercise? Hopefully you can as it will make a HUGE difference once endorphins are released.
_________________________________________
I cant believe this is even a posability for many of us as for me I can only walk a 100 yards and thats on a good day, I have to say if you are able to go to the gym or even out of your house you have no idea how lucky you are.
posted
the gym? Oh no, not a chance. It's a struggle walking around my house lately.
What really makes me angry is that right before I got sick, I would spend at least every other day at the gym working out! And hiking/backpacking...of course, which is likely how I got sick in the first place!
Posts: 44 | From Maryland | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
I had symptoms of anger also. To the point that my head felt like it was going to explode. And once I was angered it would not ease up for hours. I broke my hand once after punching a locker. (don't do that it didn't help)
Posts: 4 | From ny | Registered: Nov 2008
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I know that so many have said the samething that I'm about to say. I almost didn't post as I didn't feel that I had anything to add that wasn't already said.
But then I thought better of it as when you go back and look at your thread, you'll realize that SO MANY of us have dealt or are still dealing with this.
I realize that you may feel, "O.K., I'm not alone at least, BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT????" Of course if we knew anything that could take it all away, none of us would have to deal with this! We can only share our personal experiences and pray that you can pull something from each post to help you.
Miranda, how long have you been this sick and what meds. are you taking right now????? Have you just recentally started treatment? I know that my 14yr old got MUCH, MUCH worse when he started antibiotics!!!
He is on mood stabalizers, anti-deppresants, and meds. to help him concentrate. When Dr. Jones saw him and saw that he was taking Risperidal, he said, "GOOD---I'm happy to see that he is on something to help him through this!" Our whole family has Lyme and Co. and we are all on anti-deppresants.
Think about it, there are soooo many factors that play into how we feel at times. We're frusterated because we're so sick, can no longer do the things that we once enjoyed so much, can't leave the house or walk well (many of us). Then we are finally diagnosised and happy as we now know what's been wrong all of this time only to start a treatment that makes us feel so much worse for some time and that may take years!!!!
Add all of that to the ugly fact that this disease does affect our brain to no fault of our own. I know for me I went through a LONG phase of 'I don't know who I am anymore!' I was a Nurse but can't work anymore. I was VERY independant, but I'm not anymore, etc.....
This disease can steel many things away from us, but the one thing that it can't take unless we allow it, IS OUR SPIRIT!!!! No matter what, if dig down deep it's still there!
Easier said than done, believe me I know!!!
When you find yourself that angry and just not wanting go on anymore, try to grab a pad and pencil and start writing like mad!!!!
Your own diary/pad is one place that you can do anything you want. Write what you want to---write hard, scribble, what you're feeling, brake the pencil and go get a new one---rip the paper and start a new one. Just try it one time and see if it helps at all, okay.
If you have a relationship with the Lord, now is the time to lean on Him!!! At times many of us go through a time of feeling angry with God as we just can't understand why this is happening! That's okay---just pray about it.
There is a reason why we go through trials and the the Bible says, "Lean not on thy own understanding, but have faith in Me and I will not forsake thee". I refer to James 1 many times.
Don't get me wrong---I long to be well, have my life back and for this long trial to be over. However as I look back over the years of being ill, there are so many wonderful things that have come from my illness!!!!
I have wanted to take my life many times, and have become more angry because I know that I can't!!!! One----it's not my decision as when I die, it is Gods. Two----I have children that need me and would be devastated if I chose to take my own life, etc.....
Miranda, hang in there dear and know that not all days will be like this!!! If you feel that you may need something to help with your moods as you deal with this and go through treatment, go to your Dr. and ask for something. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!
Also know that day or night, there is always someone awake and on this board. Simply post, Is anyone there, very sad, need help!!! I know because I've done it before at about 3a.m.!!!
Many prayers your way!!!
Posts: 351 | From Georgia | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I just felt that I needed to add something. As if my first post wasn't long enough!!!! sorry
Ya know, life and this disease would be so much easier if we all followed our own advice. If I practiced what I preach!!!!
I just wanted to say that although I can look back and see the many blessings that have come from my illness, I STILL STRUGGLE AND STILL HAVE THOSE DAYS STRUGGLING WITH ANGER---"I'M TIRED; I WAN'T MY LIFE BACK, ETC.."
I felt like I came across as it I had all the anwsers, and I don't!!!
I just know how you feel, and I know that when I do some of the things I talked about it does help a lot.
BUT, there are days when all rational thinking goes out the window!!!!!
But I think this is one reason why Lymenet is so helpful. As we reply and try to help you and anyone we can; we (at least for me) are also reminding ourselves that we CAN get through this!!!!
So I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way, but please know that through what you're experiecing and by sharing it; you are also helping me and others to talk about our feelings and not hold it all in as we often do with our loved ones.
Posts: 351 | From Georgia | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
Miranda, I dont know if you're religious or not, but if you are, just think of Job. He lost everything in life that he loved...everything. But he said, hey, God, if thats what you want, so be it.
More then once I myself, and my wife even joked, that I was like Job. I said, take it all Lord, I dont care. Im strong, I will survive. And through it all you're finding out how strong you really are.
Its no lie that people here on this forum have been right where you are. We too wanted it all to end. But its not up to you, its up to God. When its your turn to die, God will take care of it, not you.
I know its depressing to always be in pain. But you have to forge ahead and whenever you get that one respite of feeling good, savor it, and realize that it means you can feel good again. ok?
Its tough when your friends and family dont want to be around you. It doesnt mean they dont love you, it means they dont understand, and feel helpless in knowing how to help. Unless you are actually going through it yourself, people will never understand what its like to live with lyme.
But remember that you are never alone. God is always there with you, and all of your forumite friends are here with you as well... ok?
Posts: 514 | From . | Registered: Apr 2008
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richedie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14689
posted
I wouldn't get caught in a trap and just sit back and think it is up to a God, because it isn't! Don't think that way. You have to live in reality and keep fighting.
-------------------- Mepron/Zith/Ceftin Doxy/Biaxin/Flagyl pulse. Artemisinin with Doxy/Biaxin. Period of Levaquin and Ceftin. Then Levaquin, Bactrim and Biaxin. Bactrim/Augmentin/Rifampin. Mepron/Biaxin/Artemisinin/Cat's Claw Rifampin/Bactrim/Alinia Plaquenil/Biaxin Posts: 1949 | From Pennsylvania | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I don't think that was Wimenin's point. In fact it was quite the opposite from what I gather. Of course you keep fighting. Job remained strong despite all of his suffering and his friends turning thier backs on him. In the end he was rewarded two-fold for remaining faithful. God knows how to best implement the pruning of the righteous man. He knows what the branch can take. His purpose is to cause it to bear more fruit.
Posts: 4 | From ny | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
I'm sorry as I don't usually get into anybodies dissagreements or whatever but, I can't NOT do that in this case!
MIRANDA----I agree that Wimmen(sorry if that's spelt wrong) was simply re-enforcing the fact that it is not our decision as to when or how we die, it is HIS!!!!
I have never found anything in the Bible that says, 'not to fight'!! Of course we must fight---so what do I, you or anyone elso mean by fight? For me it means to keep going and not give up!!!!!
The Lord expects us to have common sence, to use the resources he has provided for us and to lean on Him in our time of need. Without Him, I would already be gone by now!!!
My 24yr. old son has Szchophrenia, my 21yr. daughter has Lupus which I think is actually Lyme, my 14yr. old son have Lyme, babesia and suffers greatly. I was the one who found my father, (who was the light of my life and the only one whe ever supported and loved me no matter what) lying face down with blood on the floor, dead. He had been gone at least 12 to 18 hours.
Sorry to be so descriptive but his face was completely flat, no eyes, etc... My mom has tryed to kill herself 3 times, twice at my house and I have been completely disabled for over 15 years.
SO I AM SOOOO THANKFUL THAT I AM CAUGHT UP IN THAT TRAP WITH GOD!!!!! WITH-OUT HIM, I NEVER WOULD HAVE SURVIVED IT ALL!!!!
We don't always know why we go through these things, but He does. I have a very hard time still dealing with my fathers death and it's been 2 years!
Yes, I have been there where you are right now where you just don't see any reason to go on. There are many reasons Miranda!!!! You may not see them right now, but as time passes you will look back and you will know why you are so invalueable---somebody will need you!!!! You do have a purpose!!! WE NEED YOU!!!
Honey, you know we don't have all of the answers but we are always here for you!!! God is always there for you if you will let him! I pray that you will!
Many with Lyme go on to full recovery, and know they help others that are sick and edgucate others about this disease. So although I'm sure they were at the point of giving up many, many times; it they had, there would be thousands more suffering just because that one person was not there to warn them about the signs and symptoms and what to do.
Please feel free to PM me if you want. I have been close to ending my life several times and I DO understand, but I have always pulled through those bad days too!
May God bless you and all the others on this forum!
Posts: 351 | From Georgia | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
Whoa.. My point was not to create a religious war or say that if we simply pray we will get better, just the opposite, you must seek treatment with a LLMD, get on abx, supplements, and take action to get healthy.
My point with JOB was this.. I just dont believe that we have the right to end our lives before our time is up. Only God knows when our time is up, and to give up and want to commit suicide is wrong.
Thats the problem with lyme, there are times when it makes you feel as though you have no choice but to take your own life in order to be pain free.
But you can live a pain free life if you start with the very first, most basic instinct, and that is... you must want to live.
The human condition is such that you have to want to live, you have to be dragged down, mad as hell, I want to live and no stupid bacteria, ill informed pcp or insurance company is going to take away my right to live and be happy.
After that, it becomes a mission.
Your mission is to do anything and everything you can to get healthy. That again starts with positive thinking. You must believe you will get healthy. Then you must follow up that mental thought by physically forcing yourself to take abx, to take supplements, to get enough rest, to watch your diet, to try and exercise, to reduce your stress and anxiety, to keep yourself busy, motivated and forging ahead.
...even in the darkest moments, there is always a light, if you believe...
..sorry to rant...Ill step off the soap box now...
Posts: 514 | From . | Registered: Apr 2008
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I'm sorry if I seemed to make this a religious war as that was not my intent at all!!
Although I stand firm on leaning on God and praying and I know that is what has gotten me past those days that I wanted to take control and end it all!
My point even though maybe it didn't come across well was to USE ALL AVENUES TO BE TREATED, TAKE SUPPLEMENTS, EGDUCATE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU CAN ABOUT THIS DISEASE!!!
I didn't mean to sit back and pray and for you or anybody to not do anything else to gain your health back. I do believe it's important to pray, but the LORD GAVE US COMMON SENSE TOO!!
So what I said may have sounded harsh, "I'm glad that I got caught up in that trap with God!" I am glad and I won't apologize for that statement!
I simply meant that I need Him, but that doesn't mean THAT I'M NOT CONSTANTLY DOING THINGS TO GET WELL!!!
I do pray that you will gain your health back very soon!!
Posts: 351 | From Georgia | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I certainly did not mean a religious discussion to come of this...I am sorry..
Id like to respond to everything, but I dont think I have the brain power right now.
I tried antidepressants back in June. I was extremely allergic to the ones they gave me. I'm very hesitant about...well,...everything that goes into my body now!
One day of doxy makes me worse. The LLMD told me to take it for now, just until I find a way to pay for treatments of a more herbal approach. But one dose creates in my these intense symptoms, so skip doses a lot because the medicine scares me.
I know that is foolish.
as far as the suicide thing goes, its there, in the back (or front) of my mind all the time.
But I do come at it from a different perspective than alot of people. My mother killed herself when I was little. I guess, despite the pain of knowing that, I think if you don't have anyone to take care of and you've thought it through very very very carefully, then maybe if you are suffering enough it is your right to consider it.
sorry, I know most wouldn't agree with that.
I don't personally have anyone to take care of and I dont have anyone to take care of me. so essentially I am alone.
Posts: 44 | From Maryland | Registered: Jul 2008
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
i have dealt with lyme for a very long time-but have never experienced the dramatic psyc symptoms i did last week when i started tx bart with rifampin
i would be very careful-if i didn't understand what was happening to me i know it could be dangerous
please tell someone close to you who can be supportive...and get some sort of couseling or help
lyme rage is real
the tests are not good for bart and other coinfections so don't depend on that info
lists of symptoms are available and james schaller md has written a lot about bart-you can google him
please take care of yourself-what ever it is the result could be very serious if not dealt with
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Miranda, I think there is a very good chance you have bartonella. You might consider trying the herb houttuynia (also found in Dr Zhang's HH capsules, but I buy Plum Flower brand houttuynia). It is an herb that targets bartonella. It could make everything worse at first, but that's also how you'll know you have hit your target.
I know a couple of people who are probably the most food-sensitive and medication-sensitive people I know and they can tolerate this herb, so I think it's very low-risk.
I understand your perspective on suicide because I have had suicides in my family as well. In some ways, this makes it seem like a reasonable option. On the other hand, you know the suffering that comes from that type of loss as well, as someone who has lived through it. I agree it is your right, your body, your life, but I also want to say that please remember many of us have experienced extraordinary emotional states while in treatment for Lyme and coinfections, and it truly is remarkable how skewed one's perspective can get when the brain is being altered by these bugs. These things really can pass quite suddenly and dramatically to that point that life seems tolerable, even joyful, again. So just try to be patient and see that for what it is.
It does sound like you need much more emotional support. You're certainly right that most people can't handle the heaviness of some of this. My advice is: do not reject those who can. Turn toward whatever support is offered, even if it's not your first choice, and reach out DAILY. Just keep reaching out until it is habit, and force yourself to do something every day to connect with others. This really does take the edge off, and at some point you'll progress beyond that to being able to see beyond just taking the edge off.
Meanwhile, I wonder if you have tried L-Tyrosine? It's the best natural antidepressant I have found.
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