Clarissa
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4715
posted
To my dear friends and any newbies who may be reading. (Newbies: If you want to see background of my hellish year, my member # is 4715 and you can see old posts and where my path has led).
When someone is MIA from Lymenet, you either think they're running through the fields healthier than a horse and will not return to Lymenet...ever... OR they're dead in a ditch somewhere. Sad but true.
For me, it's neither and I have mostly good things to report but I'm definitely in purgatory...emotionally.
Quick recap: Last I wrote, I was getting through small herxes with 4 tsps of mesosilver a day. Those finally cleared and I was taking 4 tsps effortlessly and comfortably. Supplements, probiotics, healthy eating and the meso were basically my maintenance regime after being declared in remission in July 2008.
Then, there was the hellish appendix rupture. They did a pathology report on my 8" (apparently double the size of a normal appendix) necrotic retro-cecal (google) appendix and found no spirochetes. Hmmmmmm....highly suspect but whatever...it's out and I'm better because of it.
Then there was the withdrawal off the percocets (HELL) from the pain of the appendectomy. That brings us to mid-late October. The only remaining withdrawal symptom after I went through a week of sweating/swearing/flu-like withdrawal symptoms was this "fist-like" feeling in my stomach everytime I ate (IF I was even hungry).
So BACK to the ER. The doc's guess was that perhaps the percocets had eroded my stomach. I also had them take an x-ray to make sure they didn't leave a sponge or a scalpel in there when they were operating. All clear. So I started the month's worth of Protonix he gave me and it DID start relieving 1/3 of the stomach pain.
Then I called Dr. R (my LLMD) and got his thoughts on the situation. he added in Diflucan but felt that it was probably a low-grade bacterial infection due to the surgery and that a stool kit would reveal that proof.
OKAY. So the Protonix and Diflucan combo alleviated 2/3 of stomach pain...enough for me to feel well enough to fly up to NYC mid-Nov (where I had the great pleasure of meeting Jocus20/JOE in person!) He's awesome...but you all knew that, anyway.
I had an a amazing 4 days, saw old friends, ate chocolate cake and even had two vodka and sodas (with no repurcussions). Dr. R muscle tested me and all things bad were still in remission...cool! I was symptom-free except for fist-stomach.
His main concern with me was/is the fragility of my emotions. He compared my lifetime battle (especially the last 6 years (with 3 years of remission, newbies) to Hurricane Katrina. I'd been through the worst but I was left with this mess to clean up and get back into life.
He said my chance of relapse was truly reliant on how I handled my next steps in life. Had I learned my lessons that Lyme brought to me? Would I continue bad habits/patterns?
Would I let my parents' separation after 43-years of marriage pull me at the seams as my mother moved right around the corner from me after she found out my Dad was cheating on her...like their WHOLE marriage.
So I left NYC and had stopped the meso (simply because I didn't feel like carting it to NYC). I didn't re-start because fist stomach continued. So I went off ALL meds to do the glamorous stool kit test: (most humiliating/humbling/disgusting thing ever) and lo and behold, each day off the meds, my stomach got better and better.
Welcome to the effed up world of Tick Borne Diseases. Yeah, turns out that more than 7-10 days on Protonix can cause severe abdominal pain. So Dr. R said upon completion of 4-day stool test, no more Protonix or Diflucan and bring probiotics, supplements in one at a time and then the meso (If I so chose).
So, stomach has been 100% since then although I haven't gotten results of stool kit (which will be interesting or NOT) and physically, I'm good to go.
Emotionally: Not so much. Depression has been hitting hard. Who am I? What have I just been through? What will my Mother do without my Father? Do I really want togo back into Advertising? I've changed so much...I don't want to date hot a-holes anymore. I want something with substance. Where do I go to find that? On and on...these reflective questions paralyzing my movements. Fear, plain old fear.
The holidays were HORRIFIC. It was just me and my Mom for the first time in OUR LIVES. I had a full blown panic attack (I think maybe a little Bart showed up for the party but I think it was mainly situational) as it passed after Xmas passed.
So here I am; praying and reading a very interesting book that I would recommend to those who sense they are on the last "trimester" of their illness: "The Alchemy of Illness" by Kat Duff.
I'm learning that my Lyme actually may be a vehicle that brought me to my knees to face all of the emotional issues I've had in my life. I've learned that my mother and I have NOT CUT THE CORD and it's not a good feeling. It needs to happen.
I've learned that I've never had an intimate relationship with a man because I was too afraid to let go and be vulnerable.
Lyme doesn't give you a choice in the vulnerable category. You HAVE to surrender, you MUST ask for help or you'll die.
My best hope is that all of this is coming full circle and I will be "changed for the good". I know that 75% people on this board have helped me with this transformation and I will be forever grateful. Once again, pm me and I'll always be there for you. I will never forget my foxhole friends. They are all of YOU.
So there you have it. I will post my stool kit results if there is anything worthy of mentioning. And, I'm open to any words of wisdom and/or advice for my next steps into the "real world". I feel like a small scared child which is exciting and horrifying all at once.
My new mantra is to replace Fear with Faith. I pray that it will get me to my next chapter or maybe even better... a whole new fresh book!
Happy New Year to all of you and I also pray for you that it will bring you better health. We have all suffered so much and that fact will stay with me. It will not control me but I will never forget.
feelfit
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12770
posted
Well hello friend!
Thank you for sharing. In my own case, I do view Lyme as a wake-up call. That is the way I choose to look at it.
What am I to learn from this, how am I to grow, become a more evolved me?
this view is what keeps me going, moving forward, and I think you will benefit beyond measure from making this your truth as well!
Bravo!!!
I am so happy that your physical body is cooperating. YAY.
Wishing you only the best Clarissa for your TOTAL healing. Hugs to your Mom too.
xo, Feeelfit
Posts: 3975 | From usa | Registered: Aug 2007
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CherylSue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 13077
posted
Clarissa,
Many hugs to you. I hope you can leave this hellish year behind and look forward to a healthier year. You are so courageous.
Hugs, CherylSue
Posts: 1954 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2007
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lymielauren28
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 13742
posted
Oh Clarissa!
There! Had to get that out of the way first!
I don't have any answers but I do want you to know that your words hit home with me.
I contracted Lyme, babs and bart almost four years ago. When I first got sick I was in a crappy marriage with an emotionally abusive man and I was working 70 plus hours a week at a job I hated. It was common for me to stop on the way home from my twelve hour work day and have a couple (or more) drinks, just to cope, to unwind, to relax.
My relationship with my parents was in the toilet, and 99% of my "friends" were fairweather at best. For the first year of my illness, I blundered along, basically running myself in the ground. I knew I was sick with something, but none of the doctors I went to could find anything wrong, and besides I still had plenty of "good" days, so it couldn't be that serious, right?
Fast forward a year later. I literally woke up one morning and was so sick I thought I was going to die. Every bone in my body ached, my throat hurt so bad I could barely swallow, muscles twitching like wild and I couldn't feel my face(Aah, wonderful Bells Palsy).
I never recovered. It would take another six months, 11 doctors and several thousand more dollars before I was accurately diagnosed with Lyme.
I then spent another 6 months feeling sorry for myself, hating my life and my circumstances. "How did this happen to me?" "Why do I have to get sick" And on and on and on. Pitiful.
Finally, desperately, I began to pray. And call me crazy, but God answered me. He didn't miraculously cure me, or part the red seas, but when I asked him "Why?" he quietly told me that I already had the answer.
Well, that was news to me, LOL! But I finally took a deep, hard, honest look at my life and I realized a few things...
Had I really been THAT happy before Lyme? No. Had I been living up to my full potential? No. Was my marriage healthy? No. The truth was, God had been whispering to me for a looong time to change my life, to do things differently, and I just blocked him out. I think He finally got tired of whispering...he used Lyme to yell. I always have been hard headed.
A week later I left my husband. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. I was 26 years old and we'd been together since high school. My life with him was the ony life I'd ever known. As crappy as that life was most of the time, there's comfort in what you know... The unknown is what is terrifying.
I remember loading up my old, beat up civic and driving away. I was so sick I could barely hold my head up, much less drive. As I was driving I started thinking about my life, and where it was at that exact moment. I was deathly ill. I'd lost my job. I'd lost all my friends. I was in debt up to my eyeballs and my credit was ruined. My marriage was over. Oh yeah, and that crappy, beat up civic? It was seriously about to blow up, and I figured I'd be car-less soon.
I never pictured this was what my life would look like at 26 years old. But about the time I started to have the mother of all panic attacks, the strangest thing happened. This peace came over me. I've tried to explain it to others, but I can't.
I realized right then and there that this was exactly where I was meant to be. Completely broken down in every way imagineable. Torn down to my foundation is what I call it. That way I could "rebuild" and not just patch things over, which is what I had done and done poorly my entire life.
I am certain that my life would still exactly where it was 4 or 5 years ago if it weren't for Lyme. Same awful job, same crappy marriage, etc.
I'm still sick, but my life has substance now. In ways I could've never imagined, I'm happier. I still have a long ways to go in my healing journey, physically and emotionally, but at least I've gotten started.
As for you, you are such a strong, beautiful person. There's not a doubt in my mind that you won't find the right man and have a healthy relationship with your Mom. You will fly!!
I hope you continue to get better and better, and I believe that you will...
Thanks for the update and remember to come back from time to time and keep us posted!
Lauren
-------------------- "The only way out is through" Posts: 1434 | From mississippi | Registered: Nov 2007
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Clarissa
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4715
posted
First of all, Total to Feelfit, CherylSue and LymieLauren. I really love you guys. You totally get it...totally.
Lauren wrote: "Had I really been THAT happy before Lyme? No. Had I been living up to my full potential? No. Was my marriage healthy? No. The truth was, God had been whispering to me for a looong time to change my life, to do things differently, and I just blocked him out. I think He finally got tired of whispering...he used Lyme to yell. I always have been hard headed."
This could be ME talking, 100%. God tried to show me signs along the way but I was too irreverent and bull-headed. Even after my FIRST remission, I went back to my crazy ways so I had to be slammed back into illness to FINALLY FINALLY get the message.
Your story is SO inspiring, Lauren and mine is so parallel. We weren't being punished, we were being guided. Yes, Feelfit, there IS a reason for this to be happening to us. Maybe all different reasons...but mine resonates with Lauren's life, bigtime.
This is a gift; a chance to grow, evolve, love intimately, be closer to my Mom and to be vulnerable and a much more substance-filled person.
CherylSue: Every single person on this board is strong and you've been an amazing friend this horrible year. Thank you.
Thank you all. Your words are so incredibly validating and inspiring. Your friendships, alone, are gifts to me. xoxoxo
I still have the purple pill with prayers for you on it! I see it every day and think healing thoughts of you.
I know that 2009 will be a better year for you, and hopefully for all of us.
Know that I am always thinking of you even if I seem to have "disappeared" also. I will give you my update soon... there is lots going on here.
Big hug and hang in there and know it is getting better every day!
xoxoxoxo Luvdoggies
Posts: 588 | From Rhode Island | Registered: Jun 2006
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CD57
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11749
posted
Hi! I was delighted to see your name come up. And yes, you're right....when someone disappears I do think dead in a ditch but most likely healthy and not on the board anymore.
You have had a crazy year....and yes, I think Lyme is unfortunately a hellacious way of something/someone asking us to wake up...to better habits, to better friends, career, to be a better partner, child, whatever. So I don't think your journey is all in vain. EVEN tho' some of it has SUCKED. Remember our hideous emotional bart herxes? I plan NEVER to go there again.
Because I know YOU...I have been changed for the better. xoxo C
Posts: 3528 | From US | Registered: Apr 2007
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Clarissa
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4715
posted
Luvs and C: You have both touched my heart with your special messages. I will always be here for all of you and I pray that each day brings us closer to our dreams coming true.
It's amazing how much love you can feel for people you've never actually met.
C: If we can make it through months and months of Bart herxes, we can make it through anything!
I'd love to know how you're doing on your journey and hope that things are going more smoothly and in the right dierection. You are strong and relentless and I know you'll kick Bart's arse!
Happy New Year my amazing friends. I think I'm finally rendered speechless.
posted
clarissa, you can't be speechless; it's my turn!
you've had one hell of a year with so many diverse problems ... one right after another, and i just read about your folks divorce too.
that old son of a gun; never being faithful! you'll have to get thru that one so when you find YOUR night in shining armor, your dad's unfaithfulness won't be hoovering over your head.
you are one gifted lady with such caring words; i know i put some of your posts in my UPPER file to reread on BAD days or some board members being very nasty to me like it gets here.
perhaps you and your mom could have some mutual counseling or a support group to get your thru your folks' divorce, etc.
my best to you, your mom, and 09 being a year of PERMANENT REMISSION; is there such a thing? why not try for it!
Vermont_Lymie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9780
posted
Hi clarissa,
Thanks for your update, it is nice to see you here! What a year you have had.
Happy new year and may all your dreams come true in 2009.
Posts: 2557 | From home | Registered: Aug 2006
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Clarissa
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4715
posted
Just when you thought I might be quiet...sweet Bettyg and Vermont have to come and touch my heart all over again!
Wow, we ALL have been through a lot this year, haven't we? Thank goodness for all of you because I don't know what I would have done or would EVER do without you.
I appreciate your prayers/advice/words of wisdom and unconditional support.
We all deserve purple hearts and better health and peace of mind. I pray that this comes to fruition for each and every one of us this coming year!
Who am I kidding? I'll never be rendered speechless. LOL.
I have herd bits and piecies of your Lyme journey but when I actualy read all the hell that you have been through in just this past year, well as you have said to me and by the way I will never forget, " You are one strong B*&^%! And just the fact that you are so wise to see the big picture, I have no doubt of your sucess in life. XOXO
Posts: 203 | From tipp city oh.45371 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Clarissa
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4715
posted
Kissis: You know how dear your are to me! Thanks for posting and I will be calling you soon.
Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
Clarissa and Lauren,
Thank you so much for posting your heartfelt stories. It is so inspiring and heartwarming to read about your struggles, but mostly so because you are so brave and genuine enough to so openly share them.
I feel so much less alone when I read about journeys like yours. I feel my heart has been touched in a way it never has, by friends like I've never known.
I had the wonderful experience of having four friends here to share New Year's with my husband and I, all four whom I met here on Lymenet.
Like Luvdogs said, "I just wanted to spend New Year's Eve with people who 'get me'. "
I have never known friends like the friends I have now. Lyme has changed my life in many ways, but my friends are the greatest blessing I could have ever imagined.
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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lymeinhell
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4622
posted
quote: When someone is MIA from Lymenet, you either think they're running through the fields healthier than a horse and will not return to Lymenet...ever... OR they're dead in a ditch somewhere.
You forgot to mention' OR Trapped under something heavy'.. (And if you don't get the joke, my age is really showing)
Happy New Year and my congrats on getting this far. You must be better to be having the 'What is the meaning of my life' crisis (aka" I don't want to work for money, I want to give back to the entire world" crisis).
Think back to the days when getting up to take your meds was almost too much effort to bear... then you realize just how far you've come.
I've always said that Lyme was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You've figured out how to fix all the other pieces, now fix the last part.
You recognize the issues, you've faced up to them, now get the help you need to deal. Perhaps a family counselor could help.
I'd also highly recommend taking Rhodiola 3 times a day on an empty stomach to help your body deal with the onslaught of stress this has brought you. Just might keep panic out of your head and peace in your heart. FWIW, I've seen it work on non-Lymie friends as well, and I've been taking it for 4 years now, and consider it a necessary key to my recovery.
Wishing you all the best for a fresh start in 2009
-------------------- Julie _ _ ___ _ _ lymeinhell
Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed. Posts: 2258 | From a better place than I was 11 yrs ago | Registered: Sep 2003
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sparkle7
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10397
posted
Good to hear from you Clarissa!
I've been through alot this year too but I didn't want to discuss it publicly... I'm glad you posted your experiences, though.
I don't really see Lyme as being a catalyst to find God or something spiritual - but that's just my view. It's OK to think what you like & I appreciate that.
I have learned alot from being ill, I just don't know if this suffering is or was necessary. I would have preferred to not have to go through this.
I'm glad you are OK & finding ways to cope. I hope you don't view my responses as being negative or insulting - it's just my opinion.
I like to try to respect everyone's ideas. Sometimes, I just view things differently.
Keep up the good work & I hope you continue to feel better & better!
Posts: 7772 | From Northeast, again... | Registered: Oct 2006
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heiwalove
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6467
posted
god clarissa we have such similar stories.. in more ways than one as you know.
so much love to you. i know *exactly where you're at right now; i'm approaching that place myself, i think. i'm still dealing with the infections but at this point it seems to me the biggest barrier to my healing is emotional & fear-based. i'm in purgatory -- that's the perfect word -- and am just SO terrified of taking any steps at all, in any direction. i also had a sustained remission before this hit again (2 years, and the relapse wasn't nearly as bad as the first time around, but still it stopped me cold in my tracks), and was reckless with my health, eating whatever & whenever i pleased, not taking care of myself at all.
anyway, i hear you and feel you so deeply. so much love. you can do this, you're a warrior, we all are.
also, 'the alchemy of illness' is one of the loveliest, wisest books i've ever read. time to pick it up again.
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you'll have to get thru that one so when you find YOUR night in shining armor, your dad's unfaithfulness won't be hoovering over your head. ![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
betty
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