randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
a friend called last night and wanted me to come down, about 200 miles, and go antique shopping.
i'm really not up to it and i was honest, and said i had a dr's appt, which i do, on thursday at 2:00.
she said "well i know plenty of others who would like to go. and i know YOU have always got a lot of "needed" appointments, so you just go to them."
gads...i wasn't lying.
maybe i should have said "you know I feel like __t,have diahhrea, am not sleeping, am seeing monsters, have severe depression, cry a lot, i've gained a ton of weight, i don't want to see, hear, or even deal with people, i miss my dog, my mom died on may lst, buried on the 5th, and i'm not really up to being with obnoxious, arrogant, overbearing, pompous, conceited, selfish, self-centered, spoiled, outrageous people who think their opinions are the only ones that matter."
so do you just suck it up and lie or once in a while or do you just let go and let 'em have it.
er, is this depression???
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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sixgoofykids
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11141
posted
I would just say that you're not just blowing her off, that you've had MAJOR health problems .... that you're really sorry she doesn't believe you. Then excuse yourself from the conversation and leave her alone to stew in her guilt.
-------------------- sixgoofykids.blogspot.com Posts: 13449 | From Ohio | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Sorry you had someone show you such a lack of respect Randy ! It's so dissapointing when people in our lives don't get what we are going through and act as if we enjoy staying home because we don't feel like being social butterflies .I/ve been dealing with this for a long time with people that say they love me but not one of them has ever even tried to educate themselves about lyme .
Posts: 97 | From West Chester ,Pa. | Registered: Aug 2006
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sammy
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 13952
posted
I'm sorry to hear that your friend has treated you so badly. It is so hard to get people to understand how sick we really are, how much we have to deal with on a daily basis.
Even my closest friends rarely ask me to do anything anymore. I've been sick for so long that they just assume that I won't be able to do what they ask. It is sad not to be asked anymore. But a few good ones still call. And when i'm feeling pretty good i'll call them too and try to get together for a quick lunch/ coffee/ movie/ etc.
For me, the hardest part is not being able to say "yes", to jump up and go and do whatever it is I want to do. I miss that freedom. I miss not having to plan my meals around time to take medication and being tied down in the evenings for IV infusions and just being too tired to think or even talk on the phone.
So, Randibear, I understand. Whether you keep your feelings to yourself or unload on your friend it seems to be a lose lose situation either way. You both will be unhappy in the end.
Maybe when your friend calls again (or you can call her when you're feeling a little better) offer an alternative get together, an activity that you both can enjoy and not just tolerate.
Take care Randy and try not to feel so sad. Know we love you here Posts: 5237 | From here | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
I just had to say that I have sooo wanted to say exactly what you said above! Well of course altered to my life.
But I think one of these days I may blow and do just that to someone. Watch out people! LOL
-------------------- My lyme disease blog: http://lymetimes3.blogspot.com/ One BIG Lyme family! I tested CDC + 10/08 My mom Igenex + 11/08 & My brother Igenex + 4/09, My 2 boys some + & IND bands, clinical diagnosis 3/09 (youngest has Aspergers too) Posts: 470 | From Painesville, Ohio | Registered: Mar 2009
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Tincup
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5829
posted
Sammy said.. "It is sad not to be asked anymore."
You got it. That is the hard part to get over.
Sorry your friend doesn't understand bubba bear.
But I care!
And so do the others here.
As for telling her off?
It won't do any good.
And that is another hard pill to swallow.
So sorry.
May you feel well enough to do much more some day soon.
posted
I totally understand this. It sound like your friend took it personally as a rejection. She went out on a limb to ask you, and she sees it as a rejection, as is clear from her response. It is better to be honest. Then the others know it is not about them. You could say "I really want to, it has nothing to do with you, but I really am ill and it will be too tiring for me." That way, there is no emotional manipulation going on on EITHER side!
can do for you,let me know."
Posts: 105 | From Mass | Registered: Apr 2009
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sparkle7
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10397
posted
I've felt this way before... It's rough. Sometimes I don't mind but it does suck not having a social life due to not feeling well.
It hard for "normals" to understand what it's like to go through a long term illness.
If she does actually want to be your friend - maybe you could suggest doing something together so you could share your friendship (like sammy suggested). Find something you can deal with to do together.
I know just even sitting in a cafe & getting coffee is hard sometimes. You have to try to explain how you feel to her - if it's worth keeping the friendship. If not, maybe just let it go. Some people never get it & it's not worth the energy to try.
It's hard being judgmental of friends & family who don't understand. I think illness freaks people out, though. Even people who you think would understand - don't...
I would have never understood what this was like before I went through it...
Posts: 7772 | From Northeast, again... | Registered: Oct 2006
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Rumigirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15091
posted
Randibear,
I think we all totally understand---having been there all too many times ourselves! "Normal" people have no understanding of the sacrifice it takes to get get together or do anything normal socially And to have her not understand and make such a comment adds insult to injury.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. That is a really big deal, and so very recent, too. You need a lot of love and compassion right now, both from others and from yourself. We're all sending you love.
Posts: 3792 | From around | Registered: Mar 2008
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
just checking in to read additional comments so i know where i last left off... xox
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Pinelady
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18524
posted
Randibear I would just forget it. It could be
worse. You could be married to it!
-------------------- Suspected Lyme 07 Test neg One band migrating in IgG region unable to identify.Igenex Jan.09IFA titer 1:40 IND IgM neg pos 31 +++ 34 IND 39 IND 41 IND 83-93 + DX:Neuroborreliosis Posts: 5850 | From Kentucky | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Hang in there Randibear. So sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I lost my Dad unexpectedly two years ago at age 59...I know how hard it can be grieving and feeling really sick all at once. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Dealing with unbelievers is one of the hardest things next to the symptoms we have to feel.
If I could have one wish BESIDES getting better, it would be for the people in my family (and friends) who doubt my illness, to spend just one day in my body. They would NEVER doubt me again!
I've had many unbelievers make comments over the years and sometimes I really let it get to me. Even though it's hard, I tell myself it doesn't do me any good to dwell on it for too long.
As long as I know how I feel and the good Lord above knows, that's all that matters.
I hope your friend will come around & understand what you're going through. If not, I've talked to my VERY wise therapist about dealing with unbelievers and she tells me to "detach with love."
She also says even though it hurts a lot to deal with the unbelievers comments, try to understand it's impossible for someone to totally understand something they haven't experienced themselves.
When I feel like biting someone's head off after an "unbelieving comment," I try to swallow my pride and think about that. DEFINITELY easier said than done but it's just gonna stress us and our bodies out even more if we're angry.
Hang in there! I know it's hard!! For now, allow yourself time to grieve and feel however you feel like feeling.
Posts: 41 | From New Jersey | Registered: May 2009
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I feel happy that people still call me to do anything though. I take it that at least they are thinking of me even if they don't understand. So it is nice that she called.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
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sutherngrl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16270
posted
This sounds so familiar. We are the sick ones, yet we practically have to tip toe around people that don't understand what we are going through. People can actually be very cruel and not even realize that they are.
I like sixgoofykids answer of just saying you have major health problems. Simple yet true.
I do sometimes feel like letting people have it, but I hold it in all the time. I think that adds to my anxiety though. I feel myself being so irritable but hold it in because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Once in a while I do explode though. Like a pressure cooker under too much pressure.
The truth is, it is very hard to commit to things when you have a chronic illness. That would be another good answer.
Being chronically ill causes us to loose so much. We loose our health first of all, then we loose our jobs our finances, and our relationships. We loose our ability to live a normal life therefore we have a hard time communicating with normal people.
No one gets that we are ill 24/7, 365 days a year. People don't comprehend that just getting ready to go somewhere is like a full days work for many of us.
But we can surround ourselves with the few people that are supportive, even though they may not get it completely. If there is just one person that cares then be with that person and forget the rest.
Posts: 4035 | From Mississippi | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Sorry for You, Just hold your head high that you were able to even say NO> I did same thing lost friend. We do not need those kind of friends.
If people do not get how chronically ill. We are short term society. Help if go in for surg. or cancer . If not long term they have friends rally. Have been on both sides, short & Long(LYME).
Do we want to say no or live like this. They have to be nuts if they really look into how we have to live. It is awful To be honest.
I was avid Jock,owned ran couple businesses+++.
As many lost friends fam. even people have Lyme or chronically get short tempered & is exhausting for us. True friends who research this illness, care enough to understand/Sorry far between, Hugggsssss, To All In Need. Kerry
Posts: 746 | From Clearwater/fl/Pinellas | Registered: Jun 2003
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