posted
Hi,Please help diff. to talk about embarrassed! Please I recently lost 2 guys right off bat before even start because was honest about Lyme. They looked up saw how bad it is, possibly read the sex part if transmittable??
My girl friend does not tell, which I can hide but only short period time. Take lot en=gerny to pretend, could yrs. back. A NO Know to get through date, have to notice.
So, I believe to get all bad out way 1st, I am almost tooo honest to point.
It worked for her but my telling has not done so well with me???
I can barely get ready to go out nails,shower,toe nails, plucking,cut my own hair. Clean up shower & bath. Decide what to wear, all the changes. Make-up++++. By that time have used 3 days of en=gerny????lol
hen is hard not to tell why I am unable to sit still over 20 min. or unable to go to dinner. If lucky dance only 2-3 dances.
Hard at my age to pretend being as ill as I am. To even skipping showered, used take 2 a day...sigh
Any tricks, I do start day ahead of time on nails & other stuff.
To be honest about to guy/gal or not? Gals are more the taker carer so might not be same?? Huggggssss, To All In Need.Kerry
Posts: 746 | From Clearwater/fl/Pinellas | Registered: Jun 2003
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dmc
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5102
posted
Kerry,
Sounds like the effort to date is affecting your health.
Why not take a sabbatical from dating until your health improves? The disappointments and rejections do effect health.
Why jepordize your esteem and health at this time? Love will come.
Posts: 2675 | From ct, usa | Registered: Jan 2004
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
-
First, I gave up doing my nails years ago. Fume alone are really hard on our brains and our livers. Still, you want to look attractive and that's understandable. Pretty nails are not a requirement to that, so relax.
This is a very tough place to be. It might help to first ask yourself what you want right now from a relationship and if you are ready for all the elements.
You might just want to find a good friend with whom a romance has a chance to blossom if all elements are there.
What CAN you do now? Go to a quiet movie or small concert? A stroll in the park? A museum? A boat ride? A lecture series?
I'd list all the activities and interests that bring you joy. By pursuing those, as best you can on your own terms, you may find someone who can go out with you and YOU won't have to be the primary entertainer but simply someone to share the finer things of life.
---
Now, to a harder aspect, if you are looking for someone to cuddle up with for comfort, that might just have to take a while.
Ultimately, you want someone who is solid and will go the distance. Regardless of one's health, that does not happen overnight.
Take the time you need to secure your own health but you can still do some things you love out there in the world.
Do what you love, find someone who shares that enthusiasm and you will have a far better chance of sharing some cuddles down the road.
Then you can talk about the other things. Right now, I'd think you are just looking for some company.
You can share your health situation as just a matter-of-fact part of life. Just explain that you have to take care of yourself because of lyme, etc. When you eat out, you must choose a healthful restaurant and you don't drink, etc. It's a healthy way of life for many, even without an illness.
If put on the table at the beginning of a friendship, he can leave and you'd be better off, really. Remember, it's not about rejection but about if this would be a good fit - for the both of you.
If he chooses to stay and enjoy your company, great.
If more is likely to be on the menu, of course, it's important to share intimate details in advance -- not just because he should know and make his own decision, but you need to know his history, too. After all I've been through, before I'd even kiss a guy, I'd want to know more about him, too.
Good luck. It's hard enough to find one's way to love but any health condition adds twists and turns. The good part is that this really will help weed out the wimps.
First, though, consider that you do not need a guy to feel loved or to feel whole. You really don't. Surround yourself with friends and expand your own interests.
Learn how to nurture yourself in many ways. When you are strong enough you will then be stronger in so very many ways that love will be able to grow. I promise.
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[ 05-18-2009, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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sutherngrl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16270
posted
I am not single, but being chronically ill is hard even on married couples. I would think trying to have a dating life while dealing with chronic illness would be very tough.
I agree that taking time off from dating would be much easier than trying to fake illness or explain it.
You should focus on getting well and not have to worry about the let downs and stress of the dating world right now.
There will be plenty of time for dating! Sounds like way too much energy goes into it; energy that you could use for improving your health.
Posts: 4035 | From Mississippi | Registered: Jul 2008
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adamm
Unregistered
posted
I would say that, given the evidence supporting human-to-human (particularly sexual) transmission, it's necessary to tell.
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posted
As Keebler mentioned, put it out there so that he has a choice from the beginning.
Pre-Lyme diagnosis, I met my husband at college. I was really sick with chronic tonsilitis, migraines etc.
He didn't find out until we were already dating. I had tonsilitis so bad I couldn't talk. He brought me soup and took care of me. My mom said at that point, "Keep him!" And I'd only known him about a month.
This is the kind of guy you want. He takes care of you when you need it, but you also need to be at a point where you can take care of him as he needs- that's part of what makes even a dating relationship successful.
Posts: 236 | From Washington | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Just my thoughts but I'm to sick to even leave the house so I sure as heck can't date. Plus I look like death so who would accept hah. I have NMH to bad to really stand up all that long. But take things one at a time and focus on getting completely better first. If you get to remission and all you have is cystic forms of lyme left it's doubtful that it would be transferred sexually.
Posts: 499 | From Indiana | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
just my two cents, and going against the grain a little here...
you don't have to feel like you should tell anyone anything you don't want to, as long as you aren't putting them at risk for catching it. If you want to tell him, go for it, but I don't think that there are any "shoulds" here. Just don't sleep with him until you tell him.
If you want to go out with them a few times and have them get to know you and your personality, as well as get to know them, don't feel pressured to spill your entire life story to them.
Honestly, if I had genital herpes for example(or even lupus, cancer, whatever) there's no way I'd tell a person that on our first few dates, and I wouldn't expect them to tell me either. And again, if you want to, go for it, but don't feel like you have to.
When you get to know someone and like them, and trust builds, it'll be easier to tell them and have them accept it because they have gotten to know you and like you.
And if you want to explain why you can't stay out as late as he wants, or why you don't drink or eat certain things, and you don't want to get into the whole lyme discussion, you can just say "I just have some health stuff going on right now" or "I can't eat certain foods" or "because I want to" and leave it at that.
First things first... take care of yourself both mentally and physically, then if you feel like dating just realize there's no rush. You have all the time in the world to get to know someone, if they're worth knowing to begin with.
Posts: 453 | From TX | Registered: Aug 2008
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posted
I'm married and I have not read this whole thread ... wanted to say that in case I repeat something.
I don't think it's necessarily first date information. If you went out with someone who laid all their cards on the table on the first date you would fine them strange or desperate. I would not tell until an appropriate time and conversation comes up.
I know it would be hard to then have them dump you for Lyme when you could have found out on the first date if they felt this way. However, there are people who this information wouldn't matter to who might just freak out if you told them about it on the first date for the reason mentioned above.
I'm not saying to hide it, if it comes up it comes up. But don't bring it up until it seems like a good time.
-------------------- sixgoofykids.blogspot.com Posts: 13449 | From Ohio | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Kerry, I'm exactly like you. In fact, I'm on Match.com right now and decided to put the fact that I've been ill w/Lyme, but am getting better, right in my profile. I do NOT say that it can be sexually transmitted, because I figure if someone is concerned enough, they'll google it and see what it's all about before contacting me. Also, I figure, if a guy doesn't want to deal with a person who's not 100%, weed them out up front.
Some people are looking for others that are can really participate in sports or are just on the go a lot, that I'm just not capable of right now, and I think they should be aware and not waste their time (or mine) if that's important to them. I do tell them I'm getting better, because I am, but I want the person who contacts me to be aware up front. Just my personal opinion.
I wouldn't become intimately involved with anyone until they were aware of the possibility of transmission.
It's really hard for us singles. It gets lonely and you want someone to lean on, but at the same time, you don't really have the energy to be a good date, i.e, to really be yourself as you know you would have been.
From what you say, it doesn't sound like your energy is very good, so I would try to wait until you feel a little better. In the meantime, you might try looking for things to do that interest you. I just discovered a site called Meetup.com.
When you put in your zip code, it will list thousands of groups that meet in your area for just about any interest anyone could have, such as pet clubs, dining/social clubs, board games, financial investing, hiking, etc. The list is endless. It's free to sign up, and most of the groups are free to attend. Most will ask for a donation of a dollar or so, just to cover the organizer's costs. Of course if you meet a group for dinner/lunch/drinks, you have to pay your own expenses there. But it give me lots of opportunities to do things with a group of people instead of having to do things on my own. And in the process, you may eventually get to know some of the people. Many of the events are actually free of charge.
For example, this past week I attended a meditation group and there was no charge to attend. Another day I listened to a webinar on investing in storage facilitities, which was free of charge to listen to, and Sunday I went out with an art group to watch a light show at a nearby college which was most interesting. Afterwards the group went out for a bite to eat together and had a nice time. Another night I went to listen to a lecturer from JPL talk about a mission they have to search for planets similar to earth by other stars. All of these events were free of charge to attend, and were sponsored by or suggested by meet up groups.
This has helped take my mind off of being alone a lot. You don't necessarily attend to find a date. You go because it's something that interests you. Meet Up is something I only learned about a couple of months ago, but it's really helped enrich my life and take my mind off of some of the more negative aspects of being single and ill.
Check it out. I hope it might help you as well. It's really well organized.
By the way, I have had a # of guys contact me from Match, even with being up front about Lyme, and that's also without even having a picture of myself posted. (I offer to send them a picture if they're interested after reading my profile.) I think that's a really positive thing as well, although I don't think they've all done a lot of research into the illness at the time they've contacted me. They've been nice men, but so far, not the right one.
Patti
Posts: 975 | From California | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted
Hi, Thanks for all your time & options. Many the options I have done went to financial seminars,things I can do when able. That is no much.
I am in late stage Lyme, doubt will get better. Still fighting for more treatment.
I just like guy to hang onto,not marriage,just being alone a Hug & I love Kissing gives me peace somehow maybe endorphins.
Only way for me to meet is on singles-net.
One problem never had was getting guy. Dated on & off for long time my friends called R Gere. He is even better looking. Had been kind to me try to remind me time to rest. I seem to choose active guys because my brain is still in jock mode, instead should go for homebody. I hate that but I am & will be blob. Sure is difficult to get ready & so far have met all nice guys. When they check further into Lyme Notice back off. Last guy & I clicked well,the Lyme scared him. Wanting someone to keep up as all the others.
getting man not the problem but after have no choice to tell plus I am soooo honest, expect in return.
Did join a site where all had disabilities many no legs etc.
I just do not know to get it out way or wait???
Seems for singles we have even more challenges. No diff. husband supposed who loves you & then dumps you after yrs. taking care his kids for yrs. I had mine run after 20 yrs. 1st time I went in hosp. with meningitis/LYME/ was to be taking care kids instead found gal.
What a slap in face since had 15 yrs. illnesses with kids. Did all alone. ALso 1 1/2yrs drove 145 mi. just to visit him in hosp.
Then stalked me for another 8 yrs. stress horrific sure made Lyme worse. Yeash
So I am very picky, does not have to be as good looking as the R.Gere guy.
If he doesn't run then I do if looking at marriage. Yet what little things they do for me just can`t believe how much ener=gy put towards fun. I appreciate it so. For you gals who have helpful hubby need to be on your knees(that is you can)lol thankful!!!!
I am not sure at this point what I want or when to tell. Last guy never saw me drove 3 states,for date. Next day bought me 200.00 on Lancome. Then took me to most expensive hotels here.
During short time fell hard/mild concussion. Last day threw up till could no more. Quite way to ring out the time. Was so sick. HmmmmmSure Big turn off. What an impression..Unable to sleep together so sick. In case any wondered. He said was business sent him out country.
Lots nice advice much done, always good have new thoughts. I am still confused being so honest what to do. Plus if I can. Getting ready is too much.
Yet miss human touch that goes long time without, we all know how important it is. Specially when struggling so. Been touch yrs. so far. Yet, want little touchy feely.....Haaa
Hugggsss, to All IN Need
HELP/ Can`t evev scream that out to weak..Ha
Posts: 746 | From Clearwater/fl/Pinellas | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Kerry, Meetup also has lots of social groups that meet for drinks, dinners, dancing, having special get togethers for holidays, etc. Look it up. You might find a group you'd enjoy.
Posts: 975 | From California | Registered: Apr 2007
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tickled1
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14257
posted
Just date another Lymie. That's the only way the other person would understand. I wanna say there's a Lyme website that has a group for single Lymie's. Maybe LymeFriends? Check it out. Good luck!
Posts: 2541 | From Northeast | Registered: Jan 2008
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tickled1
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14257
posted
I just checked that site and it doesn't look like they have a singles group. Sorry. Maybe go to a support group?
Posts: 2541 | From Northeast | Registered: Jan 2008
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tickled1
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
this is a tough question and must be individual.
but speaking for me, if i were single i wouldn't date. don't have the energy and frankly, wouldn't want the pain of seeing someone i cared about take off.
i would not mention it unless that person stayed around long enough to get to know you as a person.
also, and this sounds terrible, but nowadays people are sue happy. and if someone says "oh she gave me lyme" they might sue you.
sorry, but it's sort of like aids. we hae a case here in texas where a guy with aids slept with eight women, gave them all aids, and now he's in court.
i'm not saying it would happen, but nowadays, it might.
i'd work on getting yourself well. relationships will come later.
if i were single and had to have company, i'd get a dog.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I think we should start a "Lyme Dating Service". I have problems meeting guys who understand, too. I'm 22 and want to get married, but it's hard to find someone.
What do you think? We should do it, but I don't know how.
Posts: 204 | From Wyoming | Registered: Feb 2003
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
ummm, maybe a singles forum, where only singles could post.
what do you think betty??
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Pinelady
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18524
posted
They have them for HIV and Herpes and should
obligations to test blood supplies that are going into our routine vaccines.
-------------------- Suspected Lyme 07 Test neg One band migrating in IgG region unable to identify.Igenex Jan.09IFA titer 1:40 IND IgM neg pos 31 +++ 34 IND 39 IND 41 IND 83-93 + DX:Neuroborreliosis Posts: 5850 | From Kentucky | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Hi missextreme/ randibear & all others. My point is we can`t make plans least I can not. The last guy in terrible Herx scared him.So embarrassing...!!!!!
We need a site, for many of us. {ALL RELATED 1`s} If people can`t keep their very own husbands or family support. Time to go out the box. I have been looking for this type site & had my thoughts on doing. Except so puter literate.
If we can get some help to do. Can even make few needed bucks for looking at site alone. Even by accident, you get pd.
I want many of us to be HAPPY/ for those alone or in bad marriages. Another topic needs help for lymie to not take it & make the final leap, with some confidence.
A site that includes all our linked illnesses. As MS/FM/ME/Cfids/ALS/Parkinson`s,RA/ Gulf war syndrome.++++.
All the people who live unable to commit for interlude/lol/ whats that??? Heck is either can make. Get to chat least for us no en=gerny. I get it being in late stage Lyme.
But every Human needs another NO MATTER WHAT!!!
Actually we need more hugs. Just think maybe if do go out won`t have the argument at door/lol...he/she is probably ready for home. Hey, already something in common??lol
Anyone like us who live in non stop flu symptoms. Need to find someone who gets it.
Finally can put question I asked to rest.
How do we do it??
I know their is a disabled site but some the amputees can do way more than we can....Hmmmmm??
Any other thoughts. All we want is understanding maybe person to hug. HUMAN TOUCH PLEASE, can make us better than out own ton of meds.... Hugggssss, TO ALL IN NEED....Kerry
Posts: 746 | From Clearwater/fl/Pinellas | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Hi, Need help for some of us want just tad of our lives back. I am so sick today if I mad Memorial plans/ NO WAY... So get it.
Any suggestions from puter lit people, just even if we had found mate to chat with when needed, help support each other as some husbands wives are able to do. I am not sure if I could have real relationship. Who knows if we have what mentioned above, have others same as Lyme involved.???
Think it is great idea to move those endorphins up & going???
Hugggsss, to all in NEED,Kerry
Posts: 746 | From Clearwater/fl/Pinellas | Registered: Jun 2003
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Huggggssss, To All In Need.Kerry
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