I suffer from chronic lyme -with history it looks like I contracted it hiking the Appalachian Trail in the NE 15 years ago. I am now on my 4th week of rocephlin IV with flagyl just added under the care of a good LLD in NC. In two weeks another antibiotic will be added. My herxing includes the ususal pain, malaise, meningitis type headaces etc--but the most distubing is the not being able to control my emotions--my tongue just goes and goes! And fork it is with nasty language and I have two kids and I used to teach pre-school--this is so out of character for me. I am on mood stabilizers and klonopin for anxiety, along with seroquil an antipsychotic--this is nuts. I was just diagnosed BP post starting oral antibiotics when my moods began to switch quite rapidly.

I snap at my husband and do not mean to. I seem to be angry all the time. It is not even my words but my tone of voice. This is especially true since flagyl was added.

I am a people person, always have worked with people and now am home alone with no friends because we have just recently moved in August. Since then I worked and just tried to survive until the end of Feb. when I hit a wall and was finally diagnosed with lyme after 15 years of misdiagnosis of everything under the sun. I am now home day after day with no human contact--it is very unnatural for me. My husband used to be my best friend and now it is as if we are mortal enimies.

Last night he says to me-I will not discuss your "affliction" with you, if you would like to discuss anything else with a nice tone then I will listen-and turned his attention back to the television.

My rage came from the fact that I was discussing my overwhelming feeling of coordinating all the facts I need for my SSI telephone interview on June 1st. My day was awful yesterday--for the first time in 2 weeks I actually felt half human-took almost 2 hours getting ready, make up and all and gathering info for post office etc to go out to do some errands and spend my gift cert from Mother's day on some comfortable clothes to hide pic line---I get ready to go and NO KEYS. My son used them on Saturday and never put them back on my hook I have by the door.(so I donot looe them like I loose everything)

that led to a two hour rage of me tearing the house apart until I just got undressed and layed in bed cryig until I fell asleep. He is so emotionally drained from me and suffers from what my therapist calls compasion fatigue--now my daughter age 15 just started orals and is being tested and looks like she will be following same line of therapy--his reaction is he will leave becasue there is no way he is putting up with both of us. He won't really-but he leaves more and more emotionally every day--I am contiplating leaving him-I told him last night that if he won't talk to me about my illness and comfort me that I will talk with him in 6 months or 3 years or never because this can continue to be chronic even with antibiotics as long as I have had it--he thinks 6 months antibiotics and I am cured, back at work as an ultrasound technologist and all will be well.

I feel like an imposter. I am not me-I have become this awful disease. If I am not herxing which is most days, I am trying to play catch up with laundry etc still feeling completely depleated of energy. I have no extended family, no help so if I want ANYTHING DONE- yard work, cars cleaned house cleaned etc etc-if I do not do it it does not get done-THAT INCLUDES THE BILLS WHICH HE TOOK OVER TWO MONTHS AGO-HIS WAY OF HANDLING THEM IS THE OSTRICH METHOD-DON'T PAY THEM AND HIDE-guess who is here to get phone calls-me.

--------so I have pent up anger about several issues. I have tried to talk to him nicely over the last month about these things and all he does is go to work, watch tv and sleep and eat--that is it. NO HELP WITH ANYTHING-the kids, the house, cooking etc--he sits and waits like a mother expecting to give birth for his dinner to be delivered in front of the tv nightly and if I am too sick to cook with a refrigerator full of food he orders out when we cannto afford it. When i have tried to talk to him about all this nicely in the past, I only get the look of he cannot wait until I shut up face--the lyme has caused me to become manic depressive so sometimes I tend to talk a lot.

HELP? I am going to a support group for arthritis and fibro today-lyme support group in Charlotte area has disbanded, according to lyme association the closest one is in Raleigh--big help 3 hour drive. I go to my old friends house in Greensboro when I can, but with IV abx it has gotten harder and our schedules don't mesh.

I have great cyber friends on another board that have been with me for years, but not the same as a real hug when you need one.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO ABOUT THIS LONLINESS.--IT IS UTTERLY UNBEARABLE FOR ME--I AM A PEOPLE PERSON AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN--I FEEL LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL. TRAPPED WITH NO WHERE TO GO. CANNOT GO TO HUSBAND OBVIOUSLY FOR SUPPORT AND NOW I HAVE TO PUT ON HAPPY MOMMY FACE NO MATTER HOW I FEEL WITH DAUGHTER LOOKING LIKE SHE HAS LYME TOO. MY SON-10-HAS PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES-he is next to be tested to make sure it did not get to him in-vitro. I am at my wits end.

ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.

I understand your loneliness.

The loneliness is horrible, this disease and the disability totally destroyed my former lifestyle.

I bought a small dog that I could house train using puppy pads so I don't have to take her out. At the time we really did not have the money but I knew if I was alone in this house much longer I would possibly end up attempting something that could not be undone. She is a great comfort to me, on the days I can't get out of bed she is right there with me and when I can she tags along.

I was never really a pet person before and couldn't understand how ppl could get so attached to their pets, but that has all changed now.

I have also renewed my freindship with the Lord. I don't know your personal beleifs and am not trying to push mine on you, so please don't take this the wrong way. Since I have put him first, above family even, in the last few weeks, I have been filled with a great sense of peace. I've just turned it all over to him and have seen a great change in my husband, my kids and my out look on this disease and what the future holds.

I still have the rages and the crying and occassionally still lose control and fly into a panic over things but try to stop and just lift it all up to him.

Just can't seem to find the right words this morning, herxing, but wanted to respond to your post. I read so much of myself in it.

Lots of prayers coming your way right now!

Remember God is with you your not alone in this all though it seems that way all the time when everything is bearing down on you.

Hang in there griswoldgirl

I had some terrible things bother me too I raged bad this winter but now I feel like a new person there is light at the end of this tunnel

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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The rage is awful. It's true about some of it being justified, some not. I've thrown hissy fits over NOTHING, and hissy fits over things I was entitled to be angry about. Just not that angry. And some things I WAS entitled to be that angry about, but then that sort of got lost in the noise of all the other stuff.

I did the running on at the mouth thing as well; and my husband too (he has LD as well). When he was working, he'd come home and we'd sit on the porch, and I'd get a 2 hour rambling monologue that basically made no sense at all. It became a real marker for how he was doing. There'd be a sort of monomania to it -- he'd keep repeating himself, and go on ad nauseum on the same topic.

So here are the only things I can tell you, distilled out of my own experience:

Your judgement isn't good right now. Accept that. You might look back and decide you were completely right, or you might look at things a little differently. You're herxing, and you'll need to get through that before you make any big decisions.

Let as much go as you can. No one's doing anything to annoy you on purpose -- mostly. It's just that little things, like the key not being where it should be, take a huge amount of energy that you don't have to deal with. So it's OK to get in a rage about it. It just doesn't help to go storming around the house yelling about it. Go into your room and howl, punch pillows, whatever you need to do to burn off the rage. (You have to decide to do this IN ADVANCE, and force yourself to stick to it. When you're in a rage, you tend to feel like you're totally justified in whatever you do). Then ask for the keys back as calmly as you can.

You can't change or fix your husband. Don't spend the energy on it. Let it go for now. If you need to lead separate lives in the same house for now -- that's OK (for now). If all you get for now is a roof over your head and medical care -- that's OK (for now). You can deal with this later, when you're through the herx. And you WILL be through the herx.

There isn't much that makes the bad times better. I'm not a Christian, but I did a lot of meditative-type praying. It really did help center me. My dog and cat helped immensely. Quiet time outside helped. Listening to music helped. Old movies, 1936-1944, really helped, and so did the good Disney movies. Sometimes you just need something pleasant to hang on to. I have one friend who lives far away that I can talk to about everything; that helped.

Setting a date and deciding that I won't worry about something and just live with what I hade until that date helped -- I did and still do that, and it works. When I'd get to fretting, I literally would say, Nope, don't have to think about that until May 15. Sometimes by then I'm ready to make a decision; sometimes I set another date. But at least I don't wear a hole in my brain thinking about the same damn thing over and over again.

I cooked boring food and served that over and over -- meatloaf and salad, tacos and salad, roast chicken and salad. Ham and eggs and salad Anything to minimize effort. I'd cook only 2-3 times a week.

I even made a list to remind myself of things that helped -- like the music, things I was thankful for, etc. -- and things I wasn't going to do -- like stalk my husband and pick a fight (I've done this. Me stalking, him dodging. It was almost funny). I stuck it up on my bathroom mirror and read it every day. That helped, too.

Not working and having all that time to fill is really hard.

Best of luck. Hugs.

I also have been to the shrink and he adjusted my meds a bit to cover the rage a little so it is not as intense as I go through the next few months of abx-adding clintomycin in a week along with rocephlin and pulsing flagyl--I should be a raving lunitic by then.

I am hanging in there and taking this the best I know how inorder to get to the other side one day,. I have had this a long time and do not expect results in a short [period of time.

amyway just wanted to say thanks got to go cannot type anymore-been on another site for an hour and back hurts

thanks