posted
Sorry you have it so bad Jill,your husband doesent sound very understanding at all...and thats puting it mildly!
My marrige is about to finaly end,should have parted years ago.Lyme,or just any cronic illnes is so hard on a marrige,ones true colors come through.Maybe conceling would help him hear what you are feeling,but if he was like my husband he will refuse to go and say you are the one that needs help and not him.But it would be worth a try?
I felt like you for so many years and I know how lonly you feel.I have learned to look for no other for my happines,but have been trying to look within to see what makes me feel good,try focosing on you and your son.I know when you feel like crap its hard to get involved with activities,but maybe you could try to get away evin a hour or 2 weekly to pursue your interest.
But with whatever happens,i understand how u feel and hope it turns out better for you.Terri
Posts: 203 | From tipp city oh.45371 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Jill: Sounds like the epstein barr virus that comes with lyme(off and on) is getting the best of you. I relapsed three times and got the ebv back a lot. No one understands how bad third stage lyme is. I also and most lyme patients get hypothyroidism. Maybe that's part of the problem. My family was the hardest(and at times stil are) on me. No one believes you're symptoms. You look ok, so you must be faking(that's what they think). I still go to bed real early and now have the lowest sex drive in the USA. Lyme causes a lot of stuff, doesn't it? If your husband was like this before you were ill, it is wrong for him to blame lyme rage(although I've been there before). Just recently tossed out my best boyfriend for three yrs. He understood me and my lyme; cared for me and put up with me for two and 3/4th years. Then , I think he finally had had it. He was no longer able to tolerate my lyme tiredness, aching, complaining--he never said it, just showed it. Thus, I canned him. He was miserable with me and didn't want to admit it. Maybe if you separated it might work--I am not a counselor type person. Can't seem to get much out of anti-dep. and counseling. It is best to deal with it. I feel alone now, but it is better than dragging someone twelve yrs younger down with me too. Who knows what's right. He was terrific helping me before, but I guess now a days male can't take it like the men in my father's day. Hope you get better. How long have you had lyme? Are you on the proper dose of antibiotics? Best of Luck Green Darkness
Posts: 560 | From PA | Registered: Apr 2001
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troutscout
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 3121
posted
There comes a time in Chronic Illness when we must take a stand.
And, that time is yours.
First focus on your sister and father...get them straightened out. TELL them what you have and that you need their support since it is NOT coming from your husband.
Then........confront the husband.
It MUST be done....so do it.
Draw the line in the sand...stop doing the chores...for 2 weeks.
Ignore him....tell him he is has turned out to be a rotten no good lover...he doesn't do anything with you as a wife...let alone....friend.
NO sex.
Nothing....give him what he gives you...become the the cloaked woman he wants...and see what happens.
Oh, but first....you MUST give him "the talk".
Tell him that you are demanding his attention, understanding, love and time. NOW...not tomorrow...
And, that if he doesn't comply you will give him what gives you....we reap what we sow.
Get out....be social...find NEW friends...expand your horizons OUT of the house while you are NOT doing the housework.
Oh...forgot....have you seen a counselor?
If he won't go....you should.
Trout
------------------ Now is the time in your life to find the "tiger" within. Let the claws be bared, and Lyme BEWARE!!! Iowa Lyme Disease Assoc. www.ildf.info
Posts: 5262 | From North East Iowa | Registered: Sep 2002
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troutscout
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 3121
posted
Green.....
This husband turns my stomach....
So...why on earth would make a casual comment about ALL men and include me with this turd?
I resent that generalization...I would NEVER leave my wife....turn my back on her, etc.
How dare you.
Trout
Posts: 5262 | From North East Iowa | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
I am sorry you are having to deal with all this PLUS your illness!
I agree with Trout! You have to put you and your son first. Get out, ignore your hubby, and do it for your "little man" and you.
If he does not see your ways, maybe he needs to see the door!?!
The mention of counseling is a good idea, but do not waste to much time on it if he is not willing to abide. You have to focus on self and your son. Who is going to do it for you? If you do not get this stress out of your life, it will take that much longer for you to get better, I am sure of it.
There are some good men out there, just like there are some good woman. They are just usually taken, right Trout?
Take Care, and I wish you the best. Amanda
[This message has been edited by lookin4answers (edited 25 July 2004).]
Posts: 688 | From SW Arkansas | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Jill,it sounds like your husband likes being the center of attention, and with your illness and a toddler in the house he isnt anymore, poor man........NOT. I agree with a few of the others, this isnt a Lyme problem.I also agree with trout that you should get your family to understand, they will always be in your life, and hopefully become more supportive.Start doing things for you and your son, you both need happiness and laughter.Good luck.
Posts: 46 | From Michigan | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
There comes a time when you have to decide who is helping you get better, and who is helping you stay sick. You cant stay sick. Its time for them to get the gut check..Denial on their part wont help you and they need to know that. I got tough with a family member and dumped a girlfriend. Im not saying thats what you need to do , but getting well should be your first priority, and your family's first priority. Surround yourself with people who care, and you will see a big difference.
greg
p.s. it might be time for you to be a hard ass..
Posts: 740 | From frederick,md,usa | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I am so sorry you're having so much difficulty with your husband and family. I agree you should set your father and sister straight. Have a serious talk with them and tell them how you feel. They should know that you're serious about being sick and really need their help and understanding. Drop the guilt thing on them. You know, the one where you say "If I can't depend on my family to stand by me when I need them most, then who else can I turn to?" If necessary, take one of them with you to your next doctor visit. Demand their support. If you don't get it, stop looking for it from them. Next, the husband. A wise person once said if things aren't good in your marriage, ask yourself if you'd be happier with or without him. Another piece of advice is not to have any expectations. If you don't expect him to sweep you off your feet when he comes home, you wont be hurt when he doesn't. If you don't expect him to talk to you about his day, you wont be disappointed when he doesn't. Get the picture? Stop making demands of him and he wont have any ammunition to hurt you more. I'm NOT saying be a doormat. I'm telling you not to beg for attention or anything else from the jerk. Don't ask for sex, but if he wants it, make it memorable for him. You know what pleases him and you might just have a good time yourself. You're not prostituting yourself, you're making him very vulnerable if you take control of the sex. I wouldn't expect him to go to counselling with you but I would definitely go alone and not tell him you're going. A counsellor will give you the tips you need to handle him and his family and the strength you need to make the right decision for your future. Your husband will notice the changes as you start to pull yourself together with counselling and he might feel a little threatened. That's a good thing. If you don't have coverage for this, find a community center where it's offered. If you have to borrow from your father or sister, tell them this is a way they can help you. You have a child to think about here, and he comes first. When you're with his family and find out things about his job, just smile and say you're not surprised since you know your husband is a smart guy and you're really proud of him. I wouldn't stop cleaning your house since he probably wont notice and if he does he wont say anything. What will happen is you'll get more depressed because your house is messy. You need to concentrate on your needs and those of your son. If your husband isn't meeting those needs stop looking for that from him. Try to surround yourself with people or things that make you happy. You don't have to be there when he gets home. Take your son to the library or the park or maybe out for dinner at a place with a play ground. Just smile sweetly at your husband when you get home and tell him you were out having a fun. Make a list of your good qualities, don't feel sorry for yourself, repeat several times a day "I am a good, loving person" and take control! Lidia
posted
Have you considered just going away for a few days?
Sometimes when I've just felt like I couldn't take anymore I go away (even if it's just an hour away) to a hotel and spend some quality "me" time just thinking.
It clears my head and gives me a more objective outlook on my situation.
Take your son to a hotel with a pool and chill out for a couple of days.
If nothing else, at least you'll have some time not worrying about what your husband will or won't do or say when he comes through the door at night . . .
and maybe it'll make him realize he likes seeing you there when he comes through the door at night.
Posts: 415 | From Canton, GA United States | Registered: May 2004
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