She was busy doing something else and basically said, "Well, Kendall, keep looking into it if you want but don't get your hopes up."

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Not what I wanted to hear. But realizing that she was doing two or more things at once, I gave her the bennefit of the doubt and talked to her again today.

Let me back up a little and give you some history. I realy don't know how long I have been sick...at least since I was 11, the way I see it, so that is minimum ten years.

I don't remember lots of details about my illnesses before that, but I do remember feeling like I was sick a lot. I therefore need my mom's help putting some of the pieces together.

Anyway, I have always had an interest in medicine and wanted to be a doctor since I was five. I wanted, and got, a medical encyclopedia for my 11th birthday. I have always been interested in diseases and conditions. I diagnosed my own diabetes at 13, depression at 15 and Tourette's (I told my mom at 12 but wasn't really dx'ed until 16) for goodness sake.

So naturally, I am always trying to figure out what is really wrong with me. I have seen chiropractors that push on my arm to tell me whats wrong, driven several hours to a doc who specializes in CFS, had my GP test me for mycoplasmosis, and led my parents (mostly mom) down a lot of dead ends. I don't blame her for being weary or wary of my new ideas.

However, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I WANT SOME ANSWERS! Forgive me for wanting to be well like any other 21 year old. Forgive me for being sad that I have spent more than half of my life sick. Forgive me for having the slightest bit of HOPE that maybe SOMEDAY SOMETHING WILL MAKE ME BETTER.

So I talked to her today and tried to give her some info about Lyme to which she responded: "I'll read it but what do you want me to say."

I don't really know but you're my mom, SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT!

She said that I should see my GP first and see what he says. And while I don't necessarily agree that that is a bad idea (he did test me for Lyme a while back - negative and not sure which lab) but if he doesn't think I have Lyme I don't want my mom to dismiss it. I want to see an LLMD. I want to see one tomorrow. I want someone to HEAR me out.

If it really isn't Lyme then I'll figure out how to deal with that disapointment when it comes. But until I see an LLMD, I won't be convinced.

I really do love my mom and know that she doesn't mean to hurt me and really wants the best for me and that she may just be gaurding herself from another disapointment, but it still hurt.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Sorry it's so long but I just needed to vent.

Sometimes I think its because she doesn't want me to feel the disappointment again, sometimes I think she just doesn't want to deal with it either. I'm not sure, but it can sure be disheartening, so I know how you feel.

We just want the uncertainty and pain to end. We want a light at the end of the tunnel.

In having this awful disease..you must stand firm , believe in yourself and seek answers.
Lyme is for real, it is awful and can make your life topsy turvy.

Get that LLMD and GO FOR IT!

You sound like an amazingly wonderful young woman.Your insight is beyond what others your age have.

My LLMD asked me the first time I saw him "WHY would you think you do not have Lyme?"....because of the ducks and naysayers! and BOY are they overpopulated!!

So what have you got to lose(except maybe more years of feeling horrible)..Go to a Good LLMD..and if you need treatment..so be it.

Get better and become the best MD you can so you will be there to help others that will eventually be hit with Lyme(the #1 silent epidemic in the country).

I talked to my mom again today. I was crying and yawning and just miserable. She asked again if I am depressed or if I think it is allergy sx. I said no but maybe upping my anti-depressants for a while woudn't be a bad idea. Sometimes they help.

I made her worried enough that she is driving the two hours up to my college tonight to see me. I told her I haven't really been eating and that I slept 19 of 24 hours yesterday. She is going to stay at a friends house and help me manage for a day or two.

I feel a little guilty for making her drop all of her plans to come take care of me but then again I don't. I really hope she will help me call my GP and the LLMD. I really hate making phone calls. Always have.