I'm brand new to this board and have read many posts the last few weeks.
At the end of last month I was finally diagnosed with lyme. Like everyone on this board, I've had numerous health issues.
Currrently, I'm married with 2 children. My husbands been on disability for 9 months and I'm working a full time job.
We've always had many differences and I'm at the end of my rope. My husband is constantly yelling and is verbally abusive. He is rude and annoying always belittling me, being disrespectful, and arguing with everything I say and do.
He's had the bulls eye rash 4 times and his Igenex test was equivicol. He basically said that proves nothing.
I've been married 12 years and am ready to call it quits! I'm more stressed out then I've ever been.
How do others on this board survive an awful marriage? I'm so sorry, I don't mean to sound negative or pessamistic but I'm feeling really bad and don't need extra stress from this jerk I live with.
ArtistDi
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 2297
posted
Welcome to Lymenet. So sorry that you have to join us due to lyme, one miserable illness to contend with on top of a difficult marriage.
My best advice would be to be true to yourself, and do things that are in your best interest to your own health and children. If stress is a big factor in your illness because of your spouse, maybe get some good counseling for yourself to decide any major decision.
Life with chronic illness is difficult for everyone involved--patient, spouse, children, etc. You need to never lose sight of who you are, because despite all, the core of you is inside.
That is how to deal with these kinds of issues. Also, take one day at a time, moment by moment if necessary. Don't give power to anyone who is belittling you. That gives power back to yourself.
Peace.
Posts: 1572 | From Hatfield, MA, USA | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged |
Quote: Temper tantrums, loss of concentration, and a whole variety of phobic conditions are like seizures. They occur when the brain is "jumpy," overwhelmed with unwanted, usually self-destructive activity.
----------
Dilantin stabilizes the bioelectrical activity in the cells.
Read the book. You will be AMAZED.
Low dose Dilantin can calm the symptoms your husband is experiencing.
I'm presently taking it to help relieve my continuous headache.
Hope this helps. Carol
Posts: 6956 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
mlkeen
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1260
posted
Carol-
Very interesting-
My ex-husband had/has similar symptoms as the ones discribed without the lyme dysfunction.
When he FINALLY went to conselling, my ex-husband admitted he didn't REMEMBER the episodes I described. SIEZURES!? No wonder he never appologized!
He refused help and ended up divorced. Ten years later he is combative with everyone, including his parents.
Tickalert- I hope your husband is strong enough to take responsibility for his health and actions.
You have to make your kids and your health your priority. It is a very hard decision.
Focus on being the best you can be. Ignore what you can and love your kids unconditionally.
cootiegirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3216
posted
Hi So sorry you find yourself here with health problems and family problems.
First off I am in agreement with those posters that speak of a zero tolerance for abuse - that is a deal breaker in my opinion. Now there may be many reasons why your husband's mean and nasty, an illness being the most obvious. While you may understand what is causing the problem, he has to assume responsibility for trying to fix it. If it involves more intensive treatment for lyme or some mental issue, then you alone cannot make him do anything.
It is your first responsibility to protect your children and if that means living elsewhere, then that is what needs to be done. Do you have family support? Can you move in temporarily with family/friends until you get yourself settled? Once out of the situation, your husband might be able to focus on his treatment, if he so chooses. You will find that the stress level within your household will drop markedly. I had a friend who recently moved herself and her son out of a verbally abusive home. One of the first things she noticed was that her sleep improved - her son noticed it as well. And, here's the crazy part, her pets were now acting differently - they were much much calmer!! cootiegirl
Posts: 1728 | From New York State | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged |
treepatrol
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 4117
posted
WELCOME To LYMENET
Here's more goodys! A typical response to newcomers.
Hi and WELCOME! Get a LLMD or at least Dr that is willing to learn about lyme. Borrelia Burgdorferi is a clinical diagnosis, based on symptoms and on your response to treatment. Good Luck, bumpy road ahead.
Post for a LLMD inSeeking a Doctor. Ps remember I am not a Dr, just a fellow sufferer.
posted
Welcome tickalert and sorry to read about your situation. You've received excellent advise from everyone above.
I especially liked the advise of leaving where you are where next place WILL support you and provide positive environment for you/kids.
Print off Treepatrol's newblie links and check off as you read as there are months of reading there!
Listen to your gut feelings; say NO as much as possible so you don't over extend yourself.
Sounds like your husband's lyme/4 bulle-eye rashes has turned into a bi-polar/manic depressive mental state. Best wishes.
bettyg, Iowa
Posts: 1 | From US | Registered: Aug 2015
| IP: Logged |
Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
hi Ticalert sorry you and your family are having to deal with all this. i think i would give the dilantin a try! i also very highly recomend reading Dr Phill's book "relationship rescue"...
just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
My response is a bit different. I dont condone what your husband does. He does indeed have lyme, with 4 bulls eyes. Can it be lyme rage??? Have you, now that you have lyme, ever had lyme rage??? If not its probably as hard for him as it is for you.
Was he that way before lyme??? So if he did treatment and felt better would it go away? If the answer is yes then treatment is the first step back. If no then you have to ask your self IF you would be better off there or away.
It IS hard to save a marriage!!! But well worth the cost. Can you be thankful for it NOT being a hitting abuse??? or it could always be worse??? Anything to hang your hat on while things are getting "BETTER".
Every body says to walk, you can always bail, but cant always go back. If necessary a seperation could improve the perception. Everybody runs out soooo fast and files for divorce, then says oh, did I make another mistake?
Grass isnt always greener on the other side of the fence. Take stock and see if you can make your marriage stronger than it ever was. Thats my 2 cents worth--just don--
Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged |
Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
on the same page as Don...
my husband and i have been married almost 9 yrs (1st for him, 2nd for me). we got started off on the wrong planet, not just foot right from the git-go, after the honeymoon things got really bad until i just could not do it anymore.
of course we both have our 'stories' but bottom line is i was moving on from the way we allowed our life to become, with or without him. i left. i had to. i could not stand either one of us anymore.
i left with the plan, HOPE, of returning. kind of hitting the reset button... well it took 6 months and they were very hard months all around, but i did come home last june.
we are happier than we have ever been, both grateful for the chance we gave each other and ourselves. it is a miracle that we ever made it. just took that reset button i guess. but we are both unbelievably stubborn i guess, our downfall, then our saving grace
remember that "for worse" clause..... but make sure to take care of you and your kids! talk to your husband. write a letter maybe? leave a copy of Dr Phill's book on the end table by his chair... ???
posted
Thank you everyone for your great suggestions and advice.
Yes, we've tried counseling before and I just don'tk now if I want to go back down that road but would be willing to go for my self.
The children and I need to come first and I will have to think long and hard about that because I am not feeling well right now!
Dilantin and the book sound interesting...I'm ordering that one for sure!
My best friend is a divorce mediator and I've called her to set up a meeting for later this week. One thing she did mention is that since he's on disability and I make a lot more then his disability, I may have to pay some kind of spousal suppport...can you believe that?
Prior to the marriage things were fine but as time went on it got worse and worse. As years went on, I got more and more assertive and will not take this kind of treatment which is when I believe the marriage fell apart.
My thought is he definitely has lyme rage and think he's had lyme at least 35 years which is what I call a chronic case. Some of his actions are so off the wall.
Don, you asked if I have lyme rage and the answer is no but 10 years ago I yelled at a co worker which is so out of character for me
cootiegirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3216
posted
The background that you provided certainly makes things even clearer - that there were problems even before your husband got to his current state. So the illness has just made the situation even more difficult.
I think it is good that you have tried to work things out. I don't believe in people ending a marriage without attempting to fix whatever problems exist. But both parties need to make the attempt. So if your husband is unwilling to work at the marriage or even try to get well, then what more can you do right now, other than to do what is best for you and your children - even if that means separating for a time.
I wish you all the best. cootiegirl
Posts: 1728 | From New York State | Registered: Oct 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think it is great you have a friend who is a divorce mediator but if you have kids and assets it may not be a good route. Mediation has no appeals process. What the mediator says goes.
Later down the road when the hubba makes more doe (and he will, he will get better), you will not be able to change things. A divorce is serious business when you have assets and children, and needs serious legal representation.
Twelve years is along time, but if you can make it to fifthteen years you will have what any judge considers a long term marriage and the distribution of assets is more evenly divided.
Plus you have many more rights going through traditional legal channels e.g. child support, visitation etc.
Mediation is very helpful in some situations but in a twelve year relationship with children, and I'm assuming assets e.g. house, pension, social security benefits, 401K's, etc. I'd want an attorney and a judge working for my benefit.
Personally in a situation like yours I would never give up my legal means for recourse in the future.
Spousal support is a consequence of being the breadwinner. Your hubba has the right to have a standard of living similar to the one he had when married. And he may get that indefinitely if he is on permanent disability, not for a set number of years as usually awarded. Remember you can't appeal this once it is decided through mediation, so if he goes back to work later on you could have alot to be bitter about.
Learn all you can about the mediation process, and not from your friend. You're the one who has to live with the outcome. Your hubba might be the one benefitting the most from mediation and I don't think you want that.
Have you tried living separately under the same roof? Different rooms, an apartment in the basement or upstairs.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.
[This message has been edited by URsodeer2me (edited 15 March 2005).]
Posts: 167 | From Sunny side of the street | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged |
I will not use my friend if I choose to seperate or divorce. She is only there for advice for a friend and she does know the law very very well.
This lady is good from what I've heard and is booked 6 weeks out which says a lot but again, I will not use her nor would she take us as clients.
If I have to pay him spousal support forget it I refuse and will live in a seperate room which is very fesible in my home.
My other option which I will use is a good divorce attorney I can meet with for advice. This would be a good way to get an un biast opinion.
If I do this, I'll do it right and will not be taken to the cleaners. Yes there are lots and lots of assets involved.
Having lyme and not feeling well is what's holding me back. At this point in time would a seperation be a good thing and help ease stress or would it make things worse?
I'd love to hear from others who have dealt with this while dealing with lyme for input.
Don't get me wrong. Mediators are great, and serve a real need. However, in complicated divorces with assets and children I'd go the more traditional route. Only because of the appeals issue and for no other reason. For people not married very long, with no children, and limited assets I say it is a good way to make a clean break.
If you go to an attorney pick the best one in town for your unbiased opinion because even if you do not sign a retainer, that attorney can never represent your spouse because of the consultation had with you. Tricky huh!
Posts: 167 | From Sunny side of the street | Registered: Mar 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
One last thing that I forgot to mention. My husband has an addiction to pain pills which is very severe.
A 6 year habit I'm sure contributes a lot to this situation. No I'm not going to make excuses because he has severe back problems. I have back and neck problems and do not take mass amounts of pain pills.
Anytime I mention this he gets extremely defensive.
The bottom line is he needs to take responsibility not me. Cottie Girl you have an excellent point. When I keep reading your post you are so right!
posted
Here are some thoughts from my point of view....
Do you feel threatened in any way by your husbands 'constant yelling and verbal abuse"?
If so, call 911, tell them you want him removed from the house because his actions are threatening to you, he may then be 'ordered' to go through "Anger Management", and this would be chalked up in your favor in the future, if you ever need it.
It sounds like he needs a course in this, regardless!
Remember, this is also affecting the children, and they could be 'learning' a very negative manner, that will follow them into adulthood.
If you don't mind me asking, what is his 'disability' based on? You don't have to answer that if you feel it's none of my business, but it may help us to understand a little more into your situation.
Take care of yourself and your little ones... -laserred
Posts: 493 | From MidWest NorthWoods | Registered: Jan 2005
| IP: Logged |
I don't feel threatened but I'm tired of all the abuse. Yes I agree an anger management class would definitely be in order.
I do worry about my girls and don't want them to think this is the way they should be treated when they grow up. This could probable be very harmful for them in the future.
My older daughter is afraid to come in my bedroom at night because she told the doctor my daddy will get mad at me.
I felt very bad for my poor daughter when she made that comment.
posted
Hello I am sorry to hear about your marriage trouble. We had and are still having trouble but we found a program for very troubled marriages called RETROUVAILLE. You can google it for more info.
It is not religious but is sponsored by the Catholic church. It is an intensive weekend followed by 3 months of weekly meetings. You do not share with the group but you do your own work individually and as a couple.
The presenters are other couples who have been through hell with infidelity, illness, job loss, even spousal abuse and have gotten their marriages back.
It is helpful to see that as bad as it seems, there are others who have been able to make it back from the brink. Lyme shredds families and relationships, so it is vital that you give your marriage a chance and not let this disease win.
Even if you are on your last rope, this program may help. Call your local catholic church or diocese or go online to their website. It is worth a shot and wont cost you anything but some time and courage (if your husband will go with you to the weekend) Divorce is not always the answer (although sometimes it is necessary) At least you will have given it a chance.
Posts: 446 | From California | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
hopeful123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3244
posted
tickalert,
Welcome and here is my opinion about the abuse issue.
No offense, but someone's response:
It IS hard to save a marriage!!! But well worth the cost. Can you be thankful for it NOT being a hitting abuse??? or it could always be worse??? Anything to hang your hat on while things are getting "BETTER".
is more of the same old same old that has kept women from being clear about their boundaries and what they need to do about their lives...
hitting can follow from verbal abuse, and sometimes the fear of hitting implied in verbal abuse is there all along.
I know verbal abuse all too well. Got out after many, many years of hell.
If someone takes responsibility or wants to learn to take responsibility for their actions, then that is another story. However, if someone is not taking responsibility, then, no way, Jose!!
There are still people in my life who are abusive, but I have very limited contact with them.
Standing up for yourself in whatever way that is necessary, is what is called for, IMO.
posted
Tick alert...My heart goes out to you and your family...
IMHO...
Counseling, counseling, counseling....if he won't go, fine ...do it for yourself and the girls. You may find out more about how this is affecting the children, once they open up. They are probably dealing with more than you realize, as far as hidden emotional stress.
It's just not right, at all, that your little girl is 'afraid' of 'Daddy', to any degree.
And tell him you're going to go to counseling, because 'this is not a healthy relationship' and it needs help. Something needs to wake him up!
Maybe if he realizes your going to 'TALK' to someone regarding his negative actions (abuse is abuse) toward you and the girls, maybe he'll see the light and open his eyes.
And even if he does, do follow through so he knows your not bluffing. Something needs to change for the better, before it gets worse.
Abusive situations do get worse, unless it's nipped in the bud, the sooner the better. Don't let it get to the point that it pushes you over the edge.
What's going to make it change, unless you take a stand? Certainly not him, as he sees himself 'in control' with his actions.
There is not a reason on this earth that a person has to deal with someone degrading and belittling them. He needs a wake up call!
Tho' this is just my opinion.
-laserred-
Posts: 493 | From MidWest NorthWoods | Registered: Jan 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Your spouse has had 4 bullseye rashes and never been treated??? A bullseye rash is diagnostic of Lyme, no two ways about it. He probably has neuropsychiatric Lyme-moodiness, anxiety, sleep disturbances, irritability, low frustration level, etc. Was he always this way? I know-I have it. And all my spouse ever does is criticize me for all my difficulties. That's the thanks I get for 30 years of being his friend and partner in life! What happened to for better or for worse? Show your spouse the Lyme info and get him to a Lyme literate doctor. Do you have any photos of the rashes? I am getting better with treatment, anxiety down, mood more stable and brighter. And, by the way, I feel very badly that I let my family down by being sick. But I also feel a LOT of resentment towards my spouse for not helping me when the chips were down. Pat
Posts: 79 | From NJ | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
just looked in on your post again... i have one more suggestion.
secretly tape record it - the verbal abuse - several examples if you can. some people do not realize how they sound, or the power of their words and tone on other people. maybe if he HEARS himself he will want to change.
calmly make it clear you are moving on from that kind of life with or without him, preferably with (he may change his behavior, MY dh did - and so btw did I).
i would give him the tape in a player, a letter and the book 'Relationship Rescue', then leave (kids too) for the day to give him time to think.
talk about it together later and if he gets abusive still, walk away. try again another day. but do move on from it. i hope he choses to move on also...
posted
Here's the current update..another problem.
I decided to seperate in April and things have been way better for me.
What I failed to tell everyone is my husband has been addicted to perscription pain killers for YEARS..yes years. I'm an idiot and should've left a long time ago I know.
I agreed to let my husband move back in because he had another back surgery yesterday and he has no family here.
He has been so drugged out on Somma(sp)it's pathetic.
Yesterday when I went to the hospital and took the girls he said make sure your home tomorrow in the am I need you to sign for a package.
Apparently, he ordered black market Somma off the internet the day before and wants me to sign for this. I'm horrified and feel like DEA is going to arrest me. He also told me his doc gave him 90 Somma June 2, and he's gone through every single one of those.
I'm absolutely livid and can't phatom staying in this marriage any longer. The only thing he can say is you have no idea the amount of pain I'm in. I have chronic endometriosis and understand pain very well.
We've gone to marriage counseling and until he deals with this addiction, I can't take it anymore.
My oldest daughter is old enough to know what's going on and is freaked out.
shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
Dear Tickalert,
I had not seen your thread back in March, but I have read the whole thing just now.
I am glad you are doing what is in the best interest of your children.
If you know that the package is illegal meds, I would not sign for it, if I were you. Because it may (long shot, I know) involve you in criminal activity, and endanger your ability to be there for your children.
Talk to his doctors and tell them what is going on. If he is taking more pills than they know about, it is interfering with their ability to treat him. And they may want to work on detoxing him.
I would not have him in my home, recovering or not. Go visit him in the hospital and wherever he goes to recuperate. Pity him at arm's length.
Gather as much evidence as you possibly can about his addictions and his emotional abuse. He is not automatically entitled to enough spousal support to keep him in illegal meds! If you can show that he has taken advantage of you throughout the marriage, I think a judge would be much less inclined to grant a lot of support.
To answer your original question, going through a divorce is incredibly stressful. You have to live with the details of the abuse almost every day, as you prepare all the paperwork and gather all the evidence. A lawyer will help you present it all, but you are the one who has to gather it.
Stress is not good for Lyme. I think it is not a coincidence that I first presented with symptoms when going through my second divorce, from an emotional abuser. Try and find times to rest and get calm. Find time to have fun with your kids.
You have made a huge step in getting away from him. Apparently, it wasn't enough to make him want to change, so I doubt he ever will. Don't get tricked into having him back in your home.
Favorite book on the subject, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. She is one of the few who included more than just yelling and insults in the list of what is abusive.
If you want to talk more, feel free to email me. Been there, done it, wished I didn't have to, but very glad I did!
Regards, Shaz
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
After rereading your last post, it looks like perhaps you already did sign for those meds. If I were you, I'd take it to the police station and report it.
A police report certainly wouldn't hurt your case.
You have been through enough.
Regards, Shaz
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Please forgive me if I offend anyone. I ususally always stick my foot in my mouth with this subject. At any rate, here goes... I've got a simultaneous autobiography I'm writing (or have been writing for 2 years) - the two topics Lyme Disease - My Story AND Emotional/Verbally Abusive Relationships - My Story -- One day they will be published, possibly on the website I'm trying to also develop. But on to your question of how to cope ? Look deep inside of yourself, KNOW that there is nothing you should feel guilty about or blame yourself for. #1 Recognize it IS abuse, #2 Remove yourself and your children from it, sourround yourself with a support of hopefully family and friends or support groups, church groups, and then #3 conquer it and grow strength in knowing that you and your children will no longer be afraid and that power alone provides the greatest strength to move on to unfortunately your other challenge; or what I call 'journey' - the lyme disease - which to me as much as I hate what it's done to my life and how I feel I've failed my children because of it -- or both really - removing myself and them from what I call a 'closet' epedemic of verbal abuse compares nothing to it... and I know there are many of you who will so totally not agree with me; but I've lived and am still living both of these lives and they suck - but get out of the 1st one. I am out of the 1st one, but the children aren't - but that's OK - 1 SO VERY STRONG Parent compares nothing to two unhappy ones. Contact me separately via email if you want to talk. Remember, if it's abuse get out - so you can focus on your health - much much more important than (i won't say it-marriage - oops i said it) -- your health is important.... and you will have a ways to travel to get well..... remember that but there are so many people on here that have helped me already and i'm such a newbie.
Posts: 121 | From Gaithersburg, MD USA | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
Linda LD
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6663
posted
My husband had Lyme rages and every time he did it (throwing things like a two year old) I told him, "I wont raise my children like this!" He knew I ment it and would go to councilling.
Once we found the Lyme he was so relieved.
But as much as I love him--he is my everything--the little boys come first. And he knew I was right--you can't raise children like that.
We got through it. But if we hadn't found the problem I would have left him.
Hubby is much better now and doesn't ever lose his temper any more.
But when you have children you have to protect them first...
Tell your husbands doctor what is going on. If you still love him and want to make it work you have to get him healed. And tell the doc about the lyme--maybe he will help you.
Linda
Posts: 1171 | From Knoxville, TN US | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
I called his doc whose been perscribing morphine, oxycoitin, and somma. I found out yesterday he went through 120 muscle relaxers in 11 days...very very scary.
The pain doc didn't seem that worried about it and said he was glad I called and would make a note in his chart. These docs don't seem to care that's for sure.
My next move is to either have him go to a detox center and get off drugs or I will be filing for divorce. Right now I'm legally seperated and my girls seem so much happier and not as tense as they used to be.
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
sorry you and your family are having to deal with all this. i think i would give the dilantin a try! i also very highly recomend reading Dr Phill's book "relationship rescue"... 
right from the git-go, after the honeymoon 
things got really bad until i just could not do it anymore. 
Printer-friendly view of this topic