I have just kicked my husband out. I am seriouslly thinking of filing for divorce next week. I can't stand it anymore, and I feel a responsiblity to shield my sick daughter from the belittling behavior of my husband.

I'm sick, too, and the extensive problems of my daughter along w/my neuro problems have made it hard for me to earn an income for ten years.

So, I am really scared about money. My son is going to college, my other daughter dances, and I was just applying to go back to school myself. Medical care for my middle child is expensive, esp. now that we are finally using some alternative stuff. I will have to work now, but have been out of the workforce for 19 years and am in my mid-50's, w/only two years of college. I'm feeling very anxious.

Many of you know our story, but I will just say that my daughter has had many and varied health problems since the age of 3, in 1993. Including asthma/frequent pneumonias, then type 1 diabetes, then orthopedic surgeries for congenital problems, then Lyme/autoimmune illness w/joint and muscle pains, headache, psychosis, seizures, low thryoid, then GI problems, then severe fluid retention, very low cortisol/adrenal function...it goes on and on.

I have handled all this COMPLETELY by myself. My husband would belittle me in the asthma years ("don't you think you are overreacting") despite the fact that MD's HOSPITALIZED her. He criticized my conscientious care of her diabetes, because with good care, life is DIFFICULT. Who ever promised that life would be easy?

He doesn't believe in Lyme, and according to him, LLMD's are quacks. He doesn't believe in the endocrinologist either (who is on the Board of JDRF and travels all over the world helping diabetic kids), or many of the doctors we are using.

He does no research or reading, hasn't gone otoany appointments, and doesn't participate in blood sugar tests or any other type of care, but knows better than anyone what the real story is!

He seems to think that this is all just a psychological problems on the part of my daughter, that I am buying into. My daughter harbors a huge amount of rage at him, which may be why he thinks she has psychological problems! (I think her 3 month psychosis on tetracycline may have permanently influenced his view of her. She's the sanest person I know otherwise.)

When I write this, I think: folks on Lymenet must wonder why I am with this person and why I have stayed. Twenty-three years ago, we worked together for five years in a large homeless shelter, and got along famously. He reads a lot and had a lot of interesting experiences before we met.

But as soon as medical problems arose in our house, it's been all downhill.

He grew up with a mother who had medical issues and I think they affected his ability to get his own needs met. My personal theory is that he is reacting to a family life that resembles his childhood, with me as the mother who still won't give him what he needs. I have tried to forgive him on this basis, and have tried to be more attentive to his needs, but the hypercriticism continues.

This is a really, reallly personal situation to put on Lymenet, but I am wondering if any of you out there are dealing with something like this. Chronic illness often causes marital problems and divorce.

I am really past the point where I can live with these attitudes. The pain of ilving with this man may be draining me of some of the energy I might need to get well. I have been on antibiotics for 5 years now.

And the children are actually happier with him gone, which is sad.

My three children are aged 13-19 and all have wonderful interests that absorb them, and I think they contribute a lot to their school and community. They do dance, theater, tv production, computers, music, are great students. etc.etc. I am proud of who they are, and enjoy them tremendously.

I have essentially raised them myself. I am so tired sometimes, and no amount of amantadine and minocylcine is going to help me with this situation!

Remember, if mom ain't happy nobody's happy!
Your sick, and dealing with sick kids, and his belittling is not healthy for you or those kids!

I do understand the money issues, but sometimes you wonder is it worth me and my dignity and what little health I have...
OR put up with his crap!

You have to make that decision yourself, but make sure your emotions are in tact before you do anything!

I'm fortunate enough so far to have a very supportive s.o.. I often wonder why he puts up with it! Says it's cause he loves me!

What ever you decide, you always have us for emotional support,but as far as money...most of us, are in the same boat!

I hope everything works out one way or the other so both you and your kids can be happy! We all know what stress does to the immune system,and you don't need stress added to it!

I am so sorry your in the situation you are in. It seems to me from what I've read that he has BEEN gone. Even though you just threw him out.
From what I read, He is only dragging you down at this point, and if you planned on leaving after the kids were grown any way, then that decision was already made.

If you truly believe that there is no hope in him turning around. Not to mention how he is affecting you & your children, then there does not seem to be anything salvagable.

After rereading my post, I just want to add that I am not at all overwrought or anything. In fact, I have never felt calmer in my life. We're just ahvinga normal Sunday, only a little more reaxed w/out him here.

I am just anxious about the money side of things, and the changes that will bring.

Maybe with kicking him out, he will get a wake up call and perhaps the relationship will be salvagable then.

To know, that when you feel like being sick, giving in and hitting the sheets, you can.

That when you know, deep down in your heart, that you are sick, you are.

And that when you want peace , you can get it.

Along with winning ourselves back from this disease, some of us find us having to win ourselves back from a man ( or a woman) that stole pretty much everything; right down to compassion, understanding, and heck, sometiems our smiles.
Yes, I have been there.

May I suggest: alimony and child support. Take him for all he got. The full amount you are due, GET IT. This includes pensions, retirements, IRA, 401(k), medical insurance.

GET IT. And keep him out. I found that the one thing that was keeping me sick was my fiance. I also have kids.

I grew up, got out, and slowly took my life back. And , I practically went into remission.

I know how scary this is though. Trust me. With kids, and money, its a whole different ballgame.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

It all comes down to money in the end, doesn't it?

I am so sorry to hear of your relationship problems. It is difficult to live with illness in the family.

Despite my having Lyme, my husband is very ill and can't interact much with the family. I find myself getting upset with him for his lack of involvement. Then I feel so terrible for having those feelings. As I am far from the pefect spouse dealing with my illness issues.

Crazy, huh?

He is understanding now about my inability to function "normally." But it wasn't always that way.

It wasn't until he joined in sessions with my counselor (back around 1990?) that he started to "get" that he had to let up in his demands on me as a wife, mother, and home maker.

So then he at least was trying. But, unfortunately, it wasn't until he got very, very ill and then hit with major depression (1998) and he truly realized what I had been dealing with for all those years.

He then apologized to me for his not understanding.

Is family counseling an option? Or is the situation past the point of return?

So sorry. Try to hang in there regardless of how things turn out.

------------------
Tabby

This has been more than 20 years. DLL, people can change a lot in that time. I also know of spouses who were good partners, then something like cancer came up, and they deserted. You can't always know.

We have done counseling at different junctures and I have been told more than once that he is "limited" in certain ways.

I am pretty forgiving and if someone has some insights into a wrong they have committed, and some remorse, things can be worked out. I try to do the same. This effort at being "forgiving" can go too far though, and I am trying to have more respect for myself and my self-sufficiency, even if I am sick.

I lived alone for 15 years before I met this man, and was very independent. I already do everything here. So that's why, folks, it just comes down to money. I talked with a lawyer a few years ago who assured me I would get alimony, and that the kids would not have to stop what they are doing (dancing, guitar, college).

But my husband is in social work , albeit administration, and it can be hard even with one household on his salary.

There are things out there though. I just read about colleges serving older divorded women w/kids, some of which have appts. and scholarships. Maybe things will happen.

Thanks so much.

All I can say is this: As sick as you are, you're clearly a capable woman with excellent judgement and great common sense. Trust those qualities and do right by yourself.

first,get a plan of action.
get some kind of employment to get some savings.

talk with womens' shelters, organizations, about a plan of action; ask these organizations steps to take? (rhet. quest.)

I haven't been around as much but just saw this.

I'm sorry for all the strains you have had to bear, and really impressed with how well you have handled all of them.

You're daughters I'm sure are so full because of it.

What stands out in your posts, and one of the comments you made that you spoke to an attorney years ago..

is that it seems you have known this for some time, maybe known in your heart.

I was in a very draining relationship some time ago --
and I'll never forget a maggage/healer woman who did some body-work on me when I had taken a trip to a country lake/motel on a mountain to get away from this man for just a weekend so I could think straight..
it was really hard to see clearly in the middle of it all even tho I knew it in my heart.

she said

"it doesn't matter if you and your son have to eat peanut butter sanwiches every day, there is nothing more valuable than your happiness"

While I think you should sit down and look at money matters..organize, ect.

School and living expenses at the least are both parent's responsibilities.

but don't be frightened. There are ways to work this out....and if there is a burden lifted from you in one area, you may be surprised
how things balance out in another.

You should not have to bear all this responsibility for so long, and not be cherished for it by the man in your life.
In my opinion.

and as for the huuzzzzzzzzzzbnd...

Kick him to the curb and squeeze him dry !!

Mo

The State U is far away but maybe finishing there and working there will end up being possible.

Tonight I was in Cambridge, taking my daughter to a dance class. I went to get her and was a little early, so I walked around the block. I ran into a woman I haven't seen in 30 years, who was a tremendous source of support for me when I was in my early 20's (she's older).

I had no idea where she was living or anything...last time I saw her was in Vt. it really seemed almost like a sign!

Tomorrow, my older daughter goes in for more testing of her adrenal function. Mo and anyone else who has heard my daughter's saga, the leaky gut is only part of the picture. They did more than 20 tests on her adrenal gland and they are ALL dramatically low. The MD said she's getting through the day on will power alone. This also affects her diabetes big time, which is another reason things have been so difficult.

This medical picture is so complicated, I don't know it it will ever get unravelled.

But not having my husband around while preparing for the test is such a relief.

Thanks so much for all the kind words. I love pb&j's, pasta too!

First off, I have to say, Lyddie, that I sensed no worry or fear in your post - but a very strong person that wants what is best for her family. I give you lots of credit for that - and you and your kids will be just fine. My reaction to giving him the boot was 'you go, girl'! LOL! I'm not a spouse basher, but there really is no place in your house for someone who has lied about their marriage vows and is not a parent to their children.

First order of business is to find an attorney - there are a lot that will work on a sliding scale, if funds are tight right now. But make sure your kids get support and you get alimony. That they have medical coverage, and that their father is held financially responsible for them.

>"There are things out there though. I just read about colleges serving older divorded women w/kids, some of which have appts. and scholarships. Maybe things will happen"

I like to read that too-can you point me to it?

Thanks,

Sounds like you were living in hell. I know, cause I lived there too. Maybe we were neighbors.

I kicked my spouse out back in February 2003.

I'm still married for insurance purposes.

Many of my friends thought my health would improve if I got rid of my mentally ill spouse.

I'm not going to go into any gory details but I'm going to be perfectly honest with you.

If push came to shove and I had absolutely no choice I'd have him move back home.

I'm to ill to work and barely make ends meet. I'll be starting IV's soon and am not sure how that will work financially.

I think we might be in the same situation. It's very hard to choose between your self-respect and peace of mind or your physical health.

Course another option for me is to move back in with my mother for awhile which I might do.

Anyways, this long separation from my spouse has been a real God send for me. Stress level is way lower.

I thought that I would feel better with my husband out of the house, but I have gotten much worse in a week. I am having trouble typing. I can barely feel my hands. I have to retype everything three times. My sun sickness came back, and my paresthesias are burning the way they did 3 years ago.

I do not miss him at all. Not at all. It is a relief to have him out of the house. I am just exhausted. He did help with shopping, dishes, laundry, did the dump, helped drive the 3 kids, mowed the lawn. He didn't participate at all in the emotional life of the house, or take responsibility for anything at all, but he would do chores as I asked.I am overwhelmed with physical work that I am not up to.

Last week I had a lot of energy! And hope. I pictured a cozy household w/out negative energy draining us. This is true: things are much better w/out him. But I am so much sicker. I feel completely flattened by the physcial demands of our household. I didn't realize I was still this bad.

I e-mailed my husband to ask if he would consider counseling with my daughter (and me, perhaps) and he said yes.

No matter how hard life is, I can't imagine having him here w/out some improvements in his attitudes. I wish I were healthy!

Wow, sounds like things are really tough right now for you.

I'm still separated from my spouse but ask for as much help as I can. Sometimes he'll cut the grass and help me with shopping.

Counselling sounds like a great idea for you and yours. Many spouses won't even attempt to go so I think it's a good sign.

Again to be perfectly honest with you, I also had some good ole Lyme rage thrown into the marriage before the separation and I'd go off for no apparent reason.

I'm not saying this is the case for you but it sure was for me.

I seemed to loose the ability to de-esculate arguments.

If I end up requiring more care than me and my extended family can manage the option of more help from my spouse is a possibility.

Hang in there my friend. You're not alone. Quite a few of us have marital issues similar to yours.

Re Lyme rage, I have been pretty together the last few years, emotionally. Before I started abx 5 years ago, I would have trouble snapping out of either anger or depression. So I know what you mean. Actually, I have wondered if my husband might have Lyme. His anger kind of smolders but is sort of constant.

I think that the issues I have are sort of like my friend who developed cancer, and her husband got angry at her! This happens more than a lot of people think.
I'm not picking on gender either, it could be the other way around.

My husband has agreed to help with some stuff, but doesn't want to do counseling. He was willing to come to someone elses's counselor. The problem with that is he is the one who needs it!

I'm gonna give the separation more time and see if I can manage. The house feels so much better!

Sorry to hear that you and your daughter are going through this. She is fortunate to have such a devoted mother.

If your husband is constantly demeaning and belittling you and your daughter, that is emotional and psychological abuse. It is not only cruel but also very damaging, especially to a girl whose self-image is dependant on the messages she gets from the father figure in her life.

My father was extremely abusive in this manner and to this day I am still recovering from the effects. If my mother had had the strength and willigness to leave him and protect us kids from that infuence I am sure we would have been better off.

And it is incredibly disappointing and hurtful to have a spouse or partner treat you like that in a time of need. I guess you find out someone's true character in times like that.

Lyme is hard enough to deal with, but who needs that kind of abuse and stress? Often it is stress that triggers flare-ups because it stresses the immune system. In the meantime being continuously subjected to that abuse is taking a toll, it really is.

From my own experience I can say that staying in bad relationships with people who were demeaning and belittling causes terrible stress which affects your health.(guess where I learned to put up with that behavior? Girls who grow up subjected to that kind of abuse from their fathers often end up in similar relationships with men, it also sets the stage for physical abuse- having a strong mother who won't tolerate it shows daughters how to be strong and to have self-esteem).