Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7370
posted
Well, today I had an absolute, total and complete meltdown.
This was prompted by an innocuous comment my S/O made. I cried (well, actually, it was what I call that ugly-crying...where all your make up smears and your whole face gets all red and puffy.
And then I raged. Like a certifiable maniac. I raged about the hurricane, the CDC, its new "protocol" and all the ducks. Then, for the grand finale, I turned it all on myself.
I was like all the negative gremlins rolled into one very unattractive adult. It wasn't pretty.
And this, the day after my Lyme therapist suggested I just space out my visits -- maybe one a month. You're really doing great handling this, she said.
Right.
So now, I'm feeling sheepish and silly (yes, I have apologized; that's the first thing I did). I also feel like I've been hit by a Lyme truck. My knee is burning, as are my fingers. My foot's numb, breathing labored, thinking decidedly skewered.
Bless the person who puts up with all this...and the dog, who ran for cover on the porch. I'm not violent, not ever, but the way I was carrying on today, I just don't think he trusted that was going to hold.
Thanks so much for letting me vent. I actually feel a little calmer now... (sunglasses to hide the still red, puffy eyes).
Andie
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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Oh I know that feeling SO well! It is just so hard to DEAL with all the stuff going on at once, especially with Lymebrain thrown into the mix and the big Lyme truck bearing down on you like a runaway Mack truck.
Ya know, with other diseases there are usually only one or two symptoms to deal with...but we have to contend with it seems about a billion of them. At once.
I TRY to confine my Lyme rage moments to the wee hours of the morning when I can rage at nothing and no one can see me cry, but it's so hard to do that and sometimes I just LOSE it.
And then little things happen and it's like 50 straws that break the camel's back. I just keep wishing, dang if these people KNEW how awful this was, they could undestand but no one who doesn't have this can really fully appreciate the horror that is Lyme.
And I am usually a very quiet, laid-back person who hardly ever gets mad. Not anymore.
I even just a few days ago had a huge rage where I yelled at my dear little sister and wanted to go out on a personal vendetta of vengeance to wreak upon the blithering idiotic cesspool of baboons that is the CDC.
Believe it or not, it really helps that you share expereinces like that because I know I can relate and it's so helpful to know that I am not alone in this craziness. LD can really push you to the edge and over.
I wish I had more encouraging things to say...but good for you for making it through all that without harm to S/O or animal lololol. It's just tough.
Here's to better days....
Ali
--------------------
The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer. --- Edward R. Murrow Posts: 923 | From California | Registered: Aug 2005
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3greatkids
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3838
posted
I'm sorry Andie.
You are not alone,most of us have probably had episodes just like yours.
Yes,my household will take cover.Good tactic w/teens though,Mom means business today!
Lyme,never thought so much, could come out at times.I never made mountains out of mole hills,I use to be like a duck,let the water roll off my back.
Yes,it has been an emotional week for all.Added to the mix of Lyme and everyday life,well,quess the top has to blow sometimes.
My neighbors have seen me at my worst and again the ole self appears to their delight.
So here is something for you
You be the bestest w/ the mostest!!!
Things will be better and it sounds like you are making good progress w/ treatment!
Posts: 1076 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Had mine on Friday.. with everything going on it is amazing we are not all walking meltdowns..
My finaly straw was seeing Hannah (just started kindergarden) at school on the playground with no one. Just broke my heart seeing her there alone. (She loves school all the way around, said she just couldn't find anybody to play with that recess.)
When I went to office to give Dominic his pills I saw about 6 kids that were registering new due to losing homes in the storm. Then the guilt hit!! I am upset over Hannah not having someone to play with when so many so close have lost so much.
I came home and cried my eyes out for like 1/2 hour. Yep, one of those good ruin all your make up make you look like a monster type cries. LOL
I know once i got everything in prospective it seemed better. Think i just needed to let everything out. I can only imagine what it is like for our kids!
On a daily basis we have army choppers flying over, you can't go into a store with out MP's at every door. It is scarry and no matter how much we tell them it is for our protection it doesn't help. Dominic wanted to know if we were at war and just didn't want to tell them??
The counslor at school called me and told me that she could tell i was upset and that it is the feeling of "not being able to do anything to help" that makes us feel worse. I really believe that goes with every aspect of life. Lyme, kids, and this hurricane.
I am so glad she is working with our kids because i know our little talk sure did help me.
Can you tell your therapist that you feel you need more then just once a month??
Starphoenix
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 2402
posted
I know how frightening this is. In fact, that truck ran me over today, too.
I was sitting in my car, behind my husband's stalled car. I was parked close to a guard rail. He was in my car, letting his cool down. He kept giving me directions about parking, and it was all becoming a jumbled, cognitive mess in my head. I couldn't focus. And the rage mounted. I am Herxing from Bart and probably Lyme, too, as I'm attacking both right now.
He opened the door, and it slammed into the guard rail. I lost it. I screamed. I'm not talking about any sissy scream. I screamed like they do in the horror films, and it was loud and long. My hands became fists. I felt like lashing out at something. My arms were flailing a bit. I was able to keep my wits about me because I didn't WANT to lash out at something. He told me to relax, and that pushes me further over the edge. I told him not to say that and motioned that I would just try to center myself momentarily.
My throat felt swollen afterwards.
Then, the crying started on the way home, where, by the way, his car broke down again (third time in all).
We are not alone, and we do have solidarity. You can sure feel alone when in the moment, though.
I wish we could go away to a spa where guys named Biff and Sven could give us massages, cucumber slices for the eyes, that sort of thing.
If you don't mind sharing, where in PA are you? I wonder if we're near each other. I'm in upper Pike County, near the tri-state border.
Steph
-------------------- Learning to love, and loving to learn. Posts: 1318 | From Shohola, PA | Registered: Apr 2002
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It really stinks when you don't even know that you were put in the rage/chrash game, huh?!
Right now I think the best thing going is that fantasy of Biff and Sven....Can someone send me the map!
I hope you get a nice break, and some smooth sailing for a while Posts: 663 | From NH USA | Registered: Sep 2004
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Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7370
posted
Thanks, everyone, for your awesome responses and for letting me vent.
Turns out I was just at the beginning of a nasty herx that culminated in a lot of numbness, chills (couldn't get warm, though the dog the cat and S/O were all sweating), blurry vision, wild emotions. The worst of it lasted about 4 hours...just about the same length of my other major herxes.
No hospital this time.
Saw the LLMD today. She said I look great (losing weight). And also that I'm making good progress. Hard to hear on the heels of last night, but she's actually right.
Today, I just feel exhausted.
I'm glad I have a place to write about this where almost everyone understands! Ali, you said something that really has struck me: there's really no "good" place to turn -- emotions, body, mind are all affected. For me, that makes it really hard.
Three, your group hug made me actually tear up (still emotional); thanks for that! And Beach, when you talked about the stress of the times, I couldn't agree with you more. Added to the stress we all have in our day-to-day lives, and there are days it seems like too much.
Which brings me to Steph's spa thought: I'm lovin' that!!! Achey, everyone, let's just go!
Andie
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7370
posted
Thanks, everyone, for your awesome responses and for letting me vent.
Turns out I was just at the beginning of a nasty herx that culminated in a lot of numbness, chills (couldn't get warm, though the dog the cat and S/O were all sweating), blurry vision, wild emotions. The worst of it lasted about 4 hours...just about the same length of my other major herxes.
No hospital this time.
Saw the LLMD today. She said I look great (losing weight). And also that I'm making good progress. Hard to hear on the heels of last night, but she's actually right.
Today, I just feel exhausted.
I'm glad I have a place to write about this where almost everyone understands! Ali, you said something that really has struck me: there's really no "good" place to turn -- emotions, body, mind are all affected. For me, that makes it really hard.
Three, your group hug made me actually tear up (still emotional); thanks for that! And Beach, when you talked about the stress of the times, I couldn't agree with you more. Added to the stress we all have in our day-to-day lives, and there are days it seems like too much.
Which brings me to Steph's spa thought: I'm lovin' that!!! Achey, everyone, let's just go!
Andie
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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lyme_suz
Unregistered
posted
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time!
I feel for you with all the stress. The hard thing also is that the health problems, bills, etc can be a continual grind. I'm not sure how long you have been dealing with lyme, but I'm sure that it is too long.
I have been reaally irritable lately and going downhill from there. Realized that I have gotten rundown. Its not any one thing: kids to dr, me to dr., working with school, trying to keep some small semblance of order in the house... but all together for years can really get to you.
So don't be too hard on yourself.
I am working on a plan to somehow get out town for a couple days. My husband was more supportive than I imagined he'd be...I think he has an idea of where I am at emotionally. He unfortunately gets the brunt lately.
Anyway, since I now know that I will get some time for me I feel so much better and calmer.
Probably won't go for a week or two, but its there.
Hope you can figure out something to do for yourself and look forward to.
dmc
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5102
posted
Yep, I recently turned into pschyco woman at my husband...he bought toilet paper. LOTS of toilet paper. We now have 96 NEW rolls "but it was on sale". Now next party we are gonna give them out as party favors.
I did use one for the histerical tears...he didn't buy kleenex. Posts: 2675 | From ct, usa | Registered: Jan 2004
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(sunglasses to hide the still red, puffy eyes).
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Ali
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I couldn't focus. And the rage mounted. 
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