posted
I posted earlier to this board about losing my boyfriend last month. Thanks to everyone for the lovely postings of support.
I just really need to rant tonight - and hope that if anywhere, this board is a safe place to rant to.
I'm having a real hard time on the weekends - they are worse than the weeks, even though going into work is insanely difficult whilst herxing (beats sitting home alone though). I just don't know what to do with myself on the weekends - and lying in bed is driving me really crazy right now.
I notice that real tragedy, like being chronically ill and losing your partner, makes people uncomfortable.... I can't blame them. Heck, I make me uncomfortable these days. Its hard to know what to say to me, I would imagine. And I'm so sad, obviously.
The things is, I'm still here. And I'm still very much alive (for the time being), and I'm herxing. (Mostly panic and mood and sleep and anxiety-type herxing, although I am also having quite a lot of nerve pain on the left side only - arm and leg - and digestive problems - these are new symptoms since starting abx.)
I don't think there's a point to this post - I just needed to say that I feel awful - for obvious reasons - and that I need to find a place where I don't feel like my existence makes people squirm - ya know?
posted
Hi there - this is the best place to come out and rant ...... or whatever else needs taking care of. I'm sorry about your boyfriend. And I know exactly how you feel .... panicky, on edge, that 'on guard' feeling. I've been feeling alot of that lately. Was blaming it on the seasons .... shorter days and all that.
And you are right about the weekends. I don't work anymore because my brain has lost a few too many cells to function anymore. But I still feel that 'structure' during the week that I don't feel on weekends .... so it keeps me feeling out of sorts.
Well, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and we're all here to listen. Your existence will never, ever make any of us squirm ... I'm sure I speak for everyone on that.
You take good care of YOU, OK?
Deb
-------------------- Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. Posts: 830 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Aug 2001
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Michelle M
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7200
posted
Dear BB, I am so sorry. People really don't know what to say... Some kind of expect you to be all "snapped back" already, and it's hard.
If you were feeling better you could start some big project that would engage you (I decided to build a straw house, for example). But I didn't have Lyme at the time. With Lyme I'm lucky to FINISH even a small project!
Go the the bookstore and indulge yourself in book-shopping for a handful of new books by your favorite authors.
Adopt a kitten from the Humane Society.
Keep dragging yourself to work so long as you still can. It's good therapy.
Invite friends or family over and cook something exotic out of a Thai cookbook for them.
Most importantly, don't tell yourself there's any set time you have to stop grieving and "get back to normal." It's more like a long crawl back.
Keep the faith.
Michelle
Posts: 3193 | From Northern California | Registered: Apr 2005
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Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7370
posted
BB, I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. I had a mini-meltdown earlier today. Sometimes for me, nothing works like a good cry.
I agree with things Michelle suggested. For me, working has been a wonderful thing. I've had to pare my hours, but when I do work, it gets my mind off me and my health.
Also, I've found projects helpful, if they're manageable, I've discovered scrapbooking, which is fun and not too demanding.
Plus, I'm always grateful for my dog and cat. They both have a great sense of humor, and the pup can be really tender. Actually, he was there today when I lost it. Just let me hold him and cry.
In the wake of these hurricanes, there are a lot of animals who could use either temporary fostering or a new home.
Something to consider.
Mostly, I hope by the time you read this, you're feeling much better.
Andie
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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lyme_suz
Unregistered
posted
I don't know what to say, but I didn't want to not reply.
I am really sorry for your loss. I hope that time will bring you healing all ways.
posted
Dear BB, I am so sorry about your loss. There's not much one can say, except we're here for you.
Is there any other family member or friend that is there for you? Especially on the weekends!
You can rant and rave all you want, and don't forget, some of us our here on weekends too.
Writing how and what your feeling will help you somehow get through this loss.
I feel so bad. Not only for your loss, but the fact that your sick too! Don't try and fight your feelings, go with them.
If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.
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Ann-OH
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2020
posted
I am so sorry you are having a rough time. If it is any comfort, lots of people here have and do go through much the same feelings.
My suggestion is to structure your weekends to be sure you get out of the house for a while on Sat. and Sunday. Even if it is just treating yourself to lunch out while you run errands on Sat.
If you go to church, do that every Sunday, or if you don't, go to some religious gathering anyway. You will find it good to be someplace where there is no pressure on you and be among people, and you can probably learn something new.
Or take a long walk on Sunday morning if you can.
The idea of bookstore was good.Your local library is cheaper and you can probably check out a tape or dvd of a movie or two there - no charge. Get something you know will make you laugh. Avoid soppy chick-flicks for now. Make yourself some popcorn and enjoy being you.
Maybe this would be a good time to adopt a kitty if you can handle that. Can't think of anything more comforting.
posted
Thanks so much everyone. Hearing back from people certainly makes me feel like less of a pariah.
I am still working (well, sort of, more like showing up at work). I really like all the suggestions about getting a pet or even fostering a pet for a while - great idea. And thanks for the suggestions about what to do with the weekends - they are still so tough. I'm gonna need to find a good grief group or something soon - this is too much to deal with solo.
If I didn't have Lyme I'd sell my place and move far away - everything here is so much a constant reminder - but I do have Lyme. I'm only in my fourth week of treatment (really herxing bad this week too for some reason - probably the four week cycle or something).
I wonder how long I can expect to feel too ill to make a major move in my life? I hope to start IV soon...
Thanks again everyone. I hope this gets easier for all of us.
Glad to hear that you are hanging in there. I am really sorry for your loss.
Our culture is a mess as far as how we deal with grief. Tend to try to hurry self and others thru and then not talk about it. I think it is really good and a sign of maturity that you are reaching out.
I hope you have some support locally and I hope you will keep in touch.
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