Ann-OH
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2020
posted
My husband e-mailed me this. If you've already seen it, have another look. If not, enjoy! Ann - OH
[wish I knew who wrote it. quote] ....I had amnesia once -- or twice. ....If I went to San Francisco and found someone's heart. Then what? ....Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ....All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. ....If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. ....What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? ....They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. ....Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. ....Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. ....One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ....My weight is perfect for my height - - which varies. ....I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ....The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ....How can there be self-help "groups"? ....If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ....Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ....Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? [end quote]
Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7370
posted
Ann,
I like these; my favorite of the bunch right now is: all I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
The contractor says we need a new roof, bec of new storm damage.
Life is definitely a challenge sometimes!
Andie
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
Ann, They sound very Steven Wright(ish) to me. He cracks me up. Actually I'm sure this one is:
"I had amnesia once or twice." -- Steven Wright
I have some more hanging around somewhere, I'll see if I can find them. brb... (A friend of mine has been collecting these for a long time. This is part of his post elsewhere...)
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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Carol in PA
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5338
posted
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Aha! That's why my memory is so bad!
Posts: 6947 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
"If the ocean is filled with so many sponges why does it have still have water?"
Hey True
Thanks I am still smiling
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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hopeful123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3244
posted
thanks, i'll steal some to pass along!!
-------------------- some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield Posts: 1160 | From NY | Registered: Oct 2002
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
"what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
"Damn"
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
Up for Ms Melanie and anyone else that needs a a little laugh right now!
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Really enjoyed the posts. Thanks for the lift.
-------------------- Virgil and Mary Posts: 58 | From Wisconsin | Registered: Jul 2006
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
Steven Wrights Quotes:
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"--SW
"Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes"--SW
"Its a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it"--SW
"If you where going to shoot a mine, would you use a silencer?"--SW
"I planted bird seed. A bird came up. I don't know what to feed it"--SW
"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only 10 minuets"--SW
If God dropped acid, would he see people?"--SW
I went to a general store, they wouldn't let me buy anything specifically"--SW
" I went to a resturant that serves "breakfast at anytime". So I ordered french toast durning the renaissance"--SW
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy"--SW
"my neighbor has a circular driveway..he can't get out"--SW
"I hate it when my foot falls alseep durning the day because it's going to be up all night"--SW
"I almost had a psychic girlfrined, but she left me before we met"--SW
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
Thank Dana ~ Steven Wright makes me giggle any time.
There's a whole page of them in my other frequented forum (I copied the above ones from there). I go back to it periodically to get myself a case of laugh face, the cure for most things.
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
Hey True
Here's the webb site I went to to pull the SW jokes. He makes me everytime.
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
Thanks Dana! I book marked it. I need to read them every day. I had to copy some here because they cracked me up in particular just now...
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" -- Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? -- Steven Wright
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. -- Steven Wright
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
This MIGHT be a true story of my mother and ME!!;;
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ``That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ``The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ``You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
SEE told ya it 'might' be ME!!!cause I B --just don--
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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Julie
Posts: 40 | From Pasadena | Registered: Jun 2006
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
up cause there'll still funny
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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I book marked it. I need to read them every day. I had to copy some here because they cracked me up in particular just now...
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