posted
dear jimmie, The safety and health of your daughter and the rest of your children are the most important issue here. The stress will get you sicker if you don't take action now. I suggest you immediately have a consultation with a lawyer and if necessary have him removed from thehouse by the police if he is doing something illegal. However , your lawyer is the best person to speak to. I know it's money , but maybe just one consultation can get you started. Good luck, and I will say a prayer for you.Pegee4
-------------------- To win this battle, make the time for exercise and fitness activities! There is no shortcut to any place worth going! pegee4 Posts: 59 | From Hamptons, New York | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Thanks Peggee. Problem is, I don't have any money
none. He stole my only source of income, child
support, by coming home from lunch, taking it out
of the mail, forging my signature for endorsement
and depositing it in his account. My parents
gave him 2K to give me to help with medical bills
and he did the same thing. I have finally unknown
to him opened a PO Box and told my ex and parents
to any money is to be sent there. My mother
wanted to know why I didn't wait by the mailbox
every day for a week for the mailman to come to
get the check before he did - like (1)I have the
energy to do that, and (2) I'm going to get into
a wrestling match with a man twice my size at the
street.
Abuse isn't limited to poor, uneducated women. I
have contacted a shelter and my 17 year old can't
go there with me. His father is on the other
side of the continent. I need a shark of a lawyer
and I'll be stuck with a legal aid one. I need a
good plan that hits him from all sides. I need
him to be caught driving with my daughter high,
but I don't know how to accomplish it. I can
press charges for forgery, identity theft and
mail tampering (assuming a DA would prosecute),
and I need to get DSS involved. I just don't
have much fight in me. And again, I don't know
where we would live, ,and on what, not to mention
I'm afraid of him.
I've tried to be reasonable, asked him to go to
counseling, if not to save the marriage, to end
it in a way that would be the least traumatic to
the children. I've offered Joint Custody, but he
is intent on a war. He actually said he was going
to let the house go into foreclosure. I told him
it would ruin his credit and they would take all
his retirement and he said that was his plan so
I wouldn't see a penny of his retirement.
How do people go from walking down the aisle to
this?
I don't hate him, I don't want my little girl to
come from a divorced family, but I'm not in
control of this - and he is so angry. He actually
said I tricked him into marriage with great sex,
after 8 years of dating. Anyway, I've never
felt so trapped, hopeless, alone and scared.
-------------------- Jimmie Rice Posts: 8 | From Greensboro, NC | Registered: Aug 2006
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shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
No, it sounds to me like most of your complaints would not be that hard to get evidence for.
But you need to start documenting EVERYTHING. I know that is hard when you are sick.
1.) Keep a daily journal of what he does and says. Also make a list of the past things he has done whenever you think of them. DO NOT try to hold this stuff in your memory.
2.) Save ANY incriminating emails or phone messages. Track down those 2 checks via the people who wrote them and their bank. THEY ARE EVIDENCE.
3.) Can your older children testify against him about the drug abuse and his sleeping with your daughter, etc? Their statements and yours would be enough to get him out of the house with a protection order. He could STILL be ordered to pay child support, BEFORE the divorce. And his paychecks could be garnished to get it.
4.) There are pro bono (free) lawyers out there, for consulting, or to take your case. To find one, call the local women's shelter, or call the bar association in your state (they set up a program requiring attorneys to do pro bono work regularly).
5.) Do NOT believe that schmuck. He lied before, he's lying now, and he will continue to lie to try and intimidate you. You sound like you are still the better parent, even sick. That matters to the court.
Do not tell the schmuck anything you are planning. Stay calm. The evidence is on your side.
I would be happy to help you further, by email or PM if you prefer. Take care, and stay safe!
Shaz (did it all pro se and won)
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
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lymemomtooo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5396
posted
Start applying for the disability now..Do not wait to have the tests in hand..It takes a long time..And if approved they may go back to the initial application date..
Get a small silent on and off casette tape player..
See if there are any detective type stores nearby..They may have tons of ideas on how to test things for drugs, etc..
Hide any evidence that you may accumulate..Good luck..This is hell enough without this complication.
Oh and here is a big one..I was a child raised by a divorced mom that has harbored hate all of her life. Try to keep most of the junk away from the daughter..lymemomtooo
Posts: 2360 | From SE PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
quote:Originally posted by JRiceCPA:
I have two older boys, 20 & 17 and a 4 year old little girl.
I've written before about the issues with the J clinic in NC. It could take two more months to start and complete psych testing (which I agree will help with applying for disability).
Dr. J won't start antibiotics until after. The rub is that I can hardly take care of myself, much less my 4 year old.
My husband is planning on trying to take her away from me while he can, while I'm so sick. He told me he hopes J takes forever to put me on antibiotics.
He also tells me daily how much he hates me. We started dating in 91, got married in 99 and I got sick about a year and a half ago.
I had to stop working a year ago. Before that I made twice as much as him and assumed the majority of the financial responsibility .
Don't get me wrong, things weren't utopia before I got sick, but he didn't think he had a chance to get custody before I got sick.
Now he sees his opportunity. And let me tell you I've been divorced before and this guy wants a war .
He sleeps with my 4 yr. old daughter every night and refuses to stop . I tried moving her one night and he said he'd stay up all night until we fell asleep and then he would move her.
He smokes dope every day, drives with her in the car high.
I know you are all wondering why I haven't called. I'm scared .
I have no way to support myself or my kids. I don't know how much I can withstand emotionally. He actually believes he is doing nothing wrong.
Says other mothers in his office sleep with their kids.
He has stollen child support checks from me, it's nasty and I don't know what to do. I'm a modern woman in an old spot. Sick, no money and running out of time fast.
I don't have time to wait a year for disability or treatment. It is causing me to have suicidal thoughts . Somebody help me.
Jimmie, I'm so sorry to read of the hell you are going thru and trying to protect your 4 yr. old daughter from your husband.
I know I sent you my 15 pages of newbie links/advise and at the top is the SUICIDE hotline. Please call it for support and guidance since they are professionally trained, and we are not!
Also, another lyme member, PJ Langhoff, has been thru what you have and has written 1 book that came out in 3-06, THE SINGING FOREST, a journey of lyme, and a sequel is in the works. She's been in/out of court system for many years.
Her ex got their 2 kids both with lyme, and NOT receiving lyme treatment.
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TheCrimeOfLyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4019
posted
You say he has stolen child support checks from you? For what child.. Im assuming the 17 year old since it sounds like the four year old is his?
You have options. Get a divorce. Take him for child support/alimony and alimoney pendente lite. You don't have to be stuck in this type of situation.
Your 17 and 20 year old child ,w ill they be able to help you with the 4 year old?
What your Husband is doing is abusing you. If you want to talk privately, pm me.
If I were you, and only if I were you, because Im not:
I would hire a good family law attorney and have him served with a divorce. I would also sue for exclusive possession of the marital home. I would also sue for my attorney fees to be paid BY HIM. I would sue him for child support and I would also sue him for alimony pendente lite ( pending litigation) and then finally, alimony. With equitable distribution, I'd ask for the house and what you are entitled to of his pension ( and you ARE).
If he threatens to so much as rip one single hair out of your head, I would get a protection from abuse. ( which come free) right after I had him arrested.
In the interim, I would have him kicked out of the house by calling DSS and telling them that he sleeps with your daughter ( which uh actually may be frowned upon) and smokes dope (which will definately be frowned upon, but you need evidence).
-------------------- You want your life back? Take it. Posts: 3169 | From Greensburg, Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2003
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TheCrimeOfLyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4019
posted
BettyG, one of your posts accidentially posted TWICE. Can you please go BACK and hit the DELETE button on one of the posts?
Thank you so much.
-------------------- You want your life back? Take it. Posts: 3169 | From Greensburg, Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2003
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Crime, thanks for catching that; deleted it. BG
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ConnieMc
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 191
posted
J Rice are you OK? I sent you a PM yesterday in response to your PM. Sorry you did not get my email a few weeks back but I did send a copy of it to you by PM yesterday. It had my number in it so you can call if you want. I had wondered why you never called before.
I will also help you with your SS disability if you want. If you stopped working a year ago, you are in danger of losing benefits if you do not apply now and establish a protected filing date. Disability, especially for Lyme, is not an easy quick process, so the sooner you can get to work on this, the better. I WILL HELP YOU WITH THIS. That is what I do for a living and I have several Lyme cases right now.
I would recommend that you do not disclose it to your husband if you do apply for disability. Granted, he may eventually find something in the mail. You can get things sent to a PO box to insure receipt.
Hang in there and do not get too discouraged. You can fight back against everything you are up against. The people on this site will provide plenty of encouragement and support.
This story really strikes a nerve with me because I lived your life about 10 years ago. I am going to be amazing supportive but frank with you.
I have had lyme for years, probably 10-15 and was married to the most abusive man I had ever met. Simply put, he was a con artist. Pretended to be someone he wasn't until we were married and I was a naive and trusting person.
Anyone who is saying the things that this person says to you is horribly abusive. Please accept that as soon as you can. He is also a thief and a drug addict. You cannot believe ANYTHING he says.
Get to Al-Anon today (its free), get a sponsor to talk to you on the phone, get a restraining order, whatever you have to do. He won't change and your children need protection.
My ex would have killed me if I had let him. I got two restraining orders, locks on the doors and many male friends (the bigger the better) to hang around until he got the picture. I told the police about him and his drug habit (Hello, its illegal!)
Having said that, you deserve so much more as do your children. Many women have found themselves in this situation and you can get out. No one should be spoken to as you describe. Don't let your children grow up around that.
I decided that I would rather die trying to get out than to let him kill me with his abuse.
PM me anytime.
Posts: 460 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2005
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-------------------- Jimmie Rice Posts: 8 | From Greensboro, NC | Registered: Aug 2006
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
I agree with everything previously said here. the one question NOT asked or answered here is IF 'you' ever did drugs 'with' him. If you ever did reporting him is only going to get you reported. If you get my drift here. IF you NEVER participated in it, ever. Reporting or tipping the cops seems like a reasonable place to 'start'. know any personally??
Sorry to ask this very personal question but it IS very different circumstances , which side you are located on!!
Get a restraining order, go to a shelter, and have your son stay at friends etc. or arrange for other accomodations. I am sure this has happened before. call the domestic hot line , ask them what they suggest.
Get the copies of forged checks, you HAVE to!!! Have somebody(big and burley)(rougher the looking the better) present the evidence to him,,,either he pays you back in three days OR he is reported to the police!!!Then DO it!!!
Do what you have to , get him OUTTA there!!! SOONER rather than too late!!
Everybody here supports you, really, lean on whoever you wish, just lean!!!
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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posted
I don't take the question personally. NO, I don't
do drugs. Tried about everthing in college and
never liked it. I like to be in control, and they
just put me to sleep. Of course, he has threaten-
ed to say I do if I turn him in, but tests
would confirm that I don't. I don't even drink
alcohol. Don't misunderstand me, I'm no saint.
I've done my fair share of drinking and have
nothing against it as long as the person doesn't
drink and drive. I never drank much, but I
haven't had a drink since I found out I was preg-
nant with my daughter almost 5 years ago.
The irony is that I bartended my way through
college and my Southern Baptist mother (who has
history of alcoholics in her family) told me if I
had ONE drink I would be an alcoholic. Needless
to say, I lost count in college.
-------------------- Jimmie Rice Posts: 8 | From Greensboro, NC | Registered: Aug 2006
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lymemomtooo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5396
posted
Jimmie, I suggested that you apply for the disability asap...YOu do not have to have any of your medical records to do this..
Just make an appt..They will send you the forms for doctors..but if approved, it may go back to the first appt and the paper trail..lymemomtooo
Posts: 2360 | From SE PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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I think you should definitely make a move on your husband driving your daughter while high. She is in serious danger.
If you tell a police officer or a teacher or doctor, anyone who is a mandated reporter, by law they have to call DCFS or whatever it is in your state. Also, the fact that he is sleeping with your daughter should also be reported. I'm wondering if you are saying that he is being sexually inappropriate with her.
Try to keep the focus on yourself. Abusive people threaten constantly and not to say that he won't follow through but it is their threats that keep you down and him in control. They also thrive on secrecy and isolation.
Don't share your thoughts or any of your escape plan, just plan it and do it. Many shelters will help you with that plan whether you stay there or not. Even if the older kids can't go to the shelter, they are old enough to fend for themselves at friends houses for a while.
Please don't hesitate, you will only get sicker and I'm afraid for your little girl. There are lots of people here who want to help you.
Take care.
Posts: 460 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2005
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