Aniek
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5374
posted
Calling all dating Lymies.
When do you tell somebody your dating about Lyme. And how much do you tell them first time round?
It's difficult to balance not wanting to scare the heck out of him before he knows me and not wanting him to think I've been hiding something.
I usually tell around date 3 or 4. The last guy I dated for a period of time (3.5 months) knew early on, but I always hid my medications from him. Of course, I was doing better then and thought I was close to recovery.
So, what's your normal plan?
-Aniek
-------------------- "When there is pain, there are no words." - Toni Morrison Posts: 4711 | From Washington, DC | Registered: Mar 2004
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hiker53
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
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posted
Wish I felt well enough to date. So, I guess I don't have the problem you do. When I am well I will date again.
-------------------- Hiker53
"God is light. In Him there is no darkness." 1John 1:5 Posts: 8890 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Hi Aniek, Interesting post. I just began dating again after a two year hiatus, and for the first time knowing that I have a chronic illness. My situation is different in that I don't think I am close to recovery.
So far, I haven't developed a well thought out plan.
From the beginning, I point out that I am health conscious and concerend about my diet and lifestyle. I openly talk about supplements and hersb. I don't eat out in restraunts, and this can be a difficulty in dating. If he can accept this small inconvience, it is an indication that perhaps a relationship would be feasible.
Then if it seems that I may be dating someone for a while, at least a couple of months, I mention that I have had health challenges. This allows both of us to see how we can cope with the idea of illness in a relationship.
For example, I was dating a doctor recently. I told him I had myocarditis in the past. Later, I had an infection in my lungs that was fungal. I told him that I had a weak immune system and was suspectible to such infections. He was suprisingly not very compassionate, and wanted to go for a four mile hike the day I told him I had shortness of breath from the infection. So I did not feel the need to share with him that I had third stage lyme with all the complications. The relationship ended shortly after that.
So far, I haven't told anyone that I have a serious chronic illness with all the ramifications. When I meet someone who I can see staying in my life for a long time, and being part of my day to day life I will confront this challenge.
For that reason, I take relationships now extremely slowly.
Posts: 628 | From the south | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
A date? What IS that any more? Can you tell I don't do it much? LOL Not that I wouldn't, just don't get the opportunity much.
-------------------- Toodles, Sal Posts: 195 | From Tampa, FL | Registered: Sep 2001
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Hmm.
I think about dating every now and then but haven't even come close to following through.
It seems we are all at different stages.
For me, it would be nice to just have someone to communciate via email for a while.
I would let them know up front that I am battling lyme disease and how it affects my daily living.
I can tell alot by how a person communicates via emails whether or not I am ready to take the next step.
I find lyme disease has helped me to see things that I would not see in the past when it comes to who I would like to be around.
The fact that I look normal but am in a power chair when I am out and about has been an ice breaker.
I do need to keep my outings under two hours so I can talk to people or at least have the ability to tell them now is not a good time for me to chat.
I also have a lyme bumper sticker on my power chair.
I find it takes a special person and that these special people are few and far between.
I applaud the person who knows him or herself above to know what she or he is looking for in a date and what his or her needs are.
It is good to let things go when you see it is not a good match.
I also don't see anything wrong with just being yourself and when the trust is there to let them know more.
I think if I were on my feet more and had more of my health back I would just be in the moment myself.
You'll know when to tell them more. The phrase need to know basis comes to mind. Some don't need to know.
On the flip side of the coin...I can just about guess that if things were reversed...I would not be interested in dating someone with my health obstacles before coming down lame.
But, since I am living it now...I have a greater understanding and compassion.
I think you'll know when to tell them. I also think each one will be different.
If you coming from a place of fear, they are not the right one for you.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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Aniek
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5374
posted
I should add that dating isn't always fun. I have some pretty bad dating stories.
I've had Lyme all of my adolescent and dating life. I just didn't know it. So while there are bad times, most of my symptoms are just part of life for me.
I'm also very lucky. At my worst, I know I haven't had near the struggles of others on this board. So that definitely makes dating easier.
It also makes me feel better to have the chance to get all dolled up. I do best when I keep my mind off my illness.
-------------------- "When there is pain, there are no words." - Toni Morrison Posts: 4711 | From Washington, DC | Registered: Mar 2004
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MagicAcorn
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posted
Aniek said: It also makes me feel better to have the chance to get all dolled up. I do best when I keep my mind off my illness.
I agree whole heartily with that statement. The way I look and feel are closely correlated.
-------------------- Posts: 1279 | From In hiding | Registered: Feb 2006
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
Aniek
I am not single but when I met my hubby I told him on the second date.
It didn't seem to make much difference, he married me anyway
However lyme broke up my first marriage. Which in looking back was the best thing for me. Thank goodness he was a real a hole.
I think the people I have met over the years, when I tell them I have a chronic lyme it seems to thin the herd so to speak, but In a good way.
The real potentical friends stick around- the shallow ones don't.
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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TheCrimeOfLyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4019
posted
For ME and only ME I have decided that when I start dating again ( which unfortunately considering my relationship now, its more than likely going to happen),
I have decided NOT to tell any man that I date that I have lyme disease until I REALLY know them,and until I really get a feel for that person and how they feel for me WITHOUT them knowing I have lyme.
I only say this because my current relationship fell through. I learned since he knew I had lyme ( and I obviously didn't like that situation) and he just flat out didn't like the situation he was in, he took my lyme as a way to fanangle into my life with great promises of "helping me"
and yada yada blah blah blah.
In essence, I was used. I want someone to care about me for me, and I don't ever want to give the inaccurate feeling that I "need" someone thus it's ok for them to "need" me right back.
I hope that made sense. Im only talking from experience AND heartbreak. My current relationship is that of Jerry Springer- engaged, thought I was happy. Im with a gay man.
Im not lying.
-------------------- You want your life back? Take it. Posts: 3169 | From Greensburg, Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2003
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
OH Crime of Lyme,
Gee, I didnt know. I am so sorry for you!! Who could have thunk something like this!!! You AND your kids deserve so much better!!!
BUT from a guys point of view, I dont think it is fair for a lady to keep such a secret either for a 'long' time. DONT wait till you are at the point of no return, to spill the beans.
That to me would lead to a whole bunch more feelings of being tricked or duped and the resulting harder fall, when things fall apart.
Should you wear a big green sign around your neck, "NO". But off handidly slipping it out on the second date seems reasonable to me. And taking it from there, whichever way it heads the convo. DONT overwhelm them with too much 'info' tho.
But a real detailed convo regarding same would be in order'before' becoming intimate for SURE!!! After all there are issues here, not doing so would be a gross injustice!!
You asked, you got my feelings of the subject. Sorting out the keepers from the users, real tough, thats why I dont do it any more, too old, too tired to care!! But take it with a grain of salt because you got it from --just don--
Crime---you just need some "Midwestern values" men in your life!! LOL!!!! And I dont know any!!
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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MagicAcorn
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8786
posted
Aniek, TheCrimeOfLyme, et all,
Voodoo Doctor Bunnyman Killjoy is available for your dating pleasure.
He can help you to dance with dolphins, treat you with exotic herbs, massage your aching feet, and he is guaranteed to stick it to you everytime.
Yes, our voodoo doctor doll comes with a complete (yes - you read that correctly) money back guarantee.
If you are not completely satisified with your purchase just return your Voodoo Doctor Bunnyman Killjoy Doll to us, and if we still are at that same location we might refund you $1113.00 in US, but don't count on it.
Call 800-KIL-LJOY
-------------------- Posts: 1279 | From In hiding | Registered: Feb 2006
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Aniek
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5374
posted
Sorry to hear about everything Crime of Lyme. I hope you know all your sick friends are here for you.
I definitely don't have to worry about a guy thinking I need somebody. If anything, I give the exact opposite signals out.
I agree with Don that you don't want to wait too late. Nobody wants to feel like they were trapped into a relationship without knowing everything. But I think you can tell without giving all the information.
It will be hard if this current guy works out. He's a surgeon, so I'm sure he thinks he knows about Lyme...
MagicAcorn - sorry, but I like my men in natural shades. I'll take anything between ebony and ivory, but no green.
-------------------- "When there is pain, there are no words." - Toni Morrison Posts: 4711 | From Washington, DC | Registered: Mar 2004
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MagicAcorn
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8786
posted
Oh. But Aniek, your doctor friend wears green when he operates, right? Just like my Dr. Bunnyman Killjoy.
Well, I hope you and this doctor work out. Have fun, but do not assume he knows all about Lyme, or that he wants too. Like him for who he is without any of your preconceptions getting in the way.
-------------------- Posts: 1279 | From In hiding | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I have not dated since I became more unable to walk solo. I think about it and wish that I will be able to date before losing too much of my youth, time ...
I am most comfortable telling someone about Lyme after the 1st date for sure. Until then, I'll share the truth about my cracked ankle I guess.
Telling him about Lyme would have to happen after I know his interest is genuine and that he wants to be in my company again.
For me, he would know something is wrong with me because I can't walk for long and I would need his arm to hang onto. Plus, my ankle is tied up.
That's what I think I'll do, but I haven't yet. I'm still too scared to take that chance and 'get out there.'
Let us know what you decide!
-------------------- Be well, SAK Posts: 371 | From Up North | Registered: May 2005
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Aniek
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5374
posted
MagicAcorn - I'm not letting preconceptions impact anything. It's more a worry that when I tell him, he'll go ask an ID doc at the hospital about Lyme.
I started dating someone about a year ago. When I told him, he researched on the internet and totally freaked out. Then he calmed down because he remembered I told him I didn't have many of the severe symptoms. (I don't have cognitive, and didn't have much neuro at all then).
But in the end, he told me that he realized he could trust me because I did tell him that. I think it was after date 2 or 3.
SAK, I'm wishing you luck with improvement in your walking. I tried dating when I could hardly use my hands. It was definitely difficult, trying to hide the pain.
-------------------- "When there is pain, there are no words." - Toni Morrison Posts: 4711 | From Washington, DC | Registered: Mar 2004
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MagicAcorn
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8786
posted
Aniek,
I wish you luck and hope you make sweet music together. I on the other hand rented a violin for myself today, so I can learn to make music of a different kind.
I hope it all works out.
Acorn
-------------------- Posts: 1279 | From In hiding | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Actually, in my part of the country it's almost a conversation starter!. I don't know anyone out here who doesn't have a friend or relative with lyme. HOwever if you are well enough to date it may be simple to say "I was treated or am being treated for lyme , and I'm feeling much better now. " It's an honest and not too scary way to put it. If that freaks out your date, then she/he wouldn't make a very good partner anyway as I see it.
-------------------- To win this battle, make the time for exercise and fitness activities! There is no shortcut to any place worth going! pegee4 Posts: 59 | From Hamptons, New York | Registered: Aug 2006
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
Crime - thats awful. boy have you had a couple bad apples. I think being sick throws off our natural women radar.
Looking back I know there was a time when I was hit over the head with abrick with signs about certain stuff going on with one guy I knew. But I was already in so much pain and so tired - who is going to notice a brick.
I hope next time you find someone sincere and genuine. You have been through enough bs. both from the disease and men.
Aniek - Well I dont date - I am still pretty sick. People dont want to hang out with someone as sick as me.
This is my theory though -
But when I meet anyone I tell them in the first conversation. Usually when the what do you do for work question comes up - since I am disabled I explain - lyme- disabled six years - blah blah blah.
Most people suddenly have somewhere to be after that and dont even want to continue speaking to me...
Funny thing is I've had a couple say well you look really good - you dont look sick at all -
I think they thought I was lying.
Disabled with lyme is part of who I am right now. And I am doing as much as I can to change it but still NOW its part of what I am....
And if someone doesnt want to deal with it - well I say good riddance.
I dont need to invite toxic people into my life. If people dont want to be bothered with me becuase I got sick - well thats ok by me.
Actually in my expereince people didnt mind so much when I was just sick. It seems to be the sick to the point of being disabled (I think the 6 years of being disbaled is a contributing factor to).
But this is just my way of dealing with it. You have to find out what works for you and your situation.
Hope this was at least semi coherent - the fog of fatigue has put goo in the gears of my brain.
posted
Do any of you single lymies think about the possibility of transferring the disease sexually? I've been thinking about how to approach this with my son who will one day come to that bridge.
Posts: 547 | From Maryland | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
hello all, I haven't dated in a year. The last time I met someone I was interested in her sister(who is a friend of mine) intervened. She said" What, do you WANT to give my sister lyme?" I needed that.I haven't had delirium or pain since march and just plain forgot that I'm still infected. Plus, my friend had someone close to her pass on due to lyme. She's the only person in my life who really knows what we have. It's hard, i guess, but I'm keeping up my hopes that we all find someone. AS for your question....tell them straight up the first time. That way you can't get attatched and it won't hurt as much. That's my two bits
Posts: 17 | From viginia | Registered: Dec 2005
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Aniek
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5374
posted
quote:Originally posted by Lymeindunkirk: Do any of you single lymies think about the possibility of transferring the disease sexually? I've been thinking about how to approach this with my son who will one day come to that bridge.
If you do a search in medical, there have been many posts about this topic. I can't talk about the science, but I was undiagnosed through most of my partners. They are all healthy, but we were always protected.
As far as telling people first time, I've learned from experience that's too much information for the first date. But I do think it should be within the first stage.
-------------------- "When there is pain, there are no words." - Toni Morrison Posts: 4711 | From Washington, DC | Registered: Mar 2004
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