posted
Remember the old, original "Hollywood Squares" TV game show and its comedians? These questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous, clever and 'live'. Enjoy!
----------------------------------- Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
> Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. > A. George Gobel: Boy, at my age it sure seems that way sometimes.
> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a > man or a woman? > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
> Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you > think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's > married? > A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
> Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
> Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next > apartment.
> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your > hands while talking? > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and > I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
> Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? > A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
> Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going > to get any during the first year? > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing > strawberries.
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist > camps. One is politics, what is the other > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
> Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a > goose do? > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
> Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth > to? > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the > dark.
> Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting > into the habit of kissing a lot of people? > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
> Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! > Poo!" What does this mean? > A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
> Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is > it? > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
> Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his > head, what was he trying to do? > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or > your elephant? > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
> Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96227 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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trueblue
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7348
posted
Thanks Tootsie!
(I admit to being old enough to remember them.)
-------------------- more light, more love more truth and more innovation Posts: 3783 | From somewhere other than here | Registered: May 2005
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treepatrol
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 4117
posted
George Goble he was a hoot!!!
-------------------- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember Iam not a Doctor Just someone struggling like you with Tick Borne Diseases.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.
You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division
REPLY:
Dear Mr. Price: Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses.
You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is:
are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.
As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.
If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA.
If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream.
They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now.
Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods.
I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96227 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
TUTU, you are most welcome; it was too dam funny not to even as many times as I get this!
I would have loved to been a mouse in the corner watching the secretary open the letter and give to her boss! Would have been good for COMEDY CONTEST; can't think of the name right now. Bettyg
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I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called, and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. *****************
A laugh is like breakfast........a good way to start the day!
Little Johnny's at it again ***************************
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" *************
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ........... The math teacher saw that l ittle Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" ............................... Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" ........................ Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom".
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kelmo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8797
posted
The other night I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
So I grabbed him by the neck and said, "bad dog".
Posts: 2903 | From AZ | Registered: Feb 2006
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