Topic: Feeling so inadequate and insecure at times
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Just kind of venting here and also looking for suggestions.
I feel so inadequate and insecure and scared at times.
It is usually when I have more than one thing coming at me at once or feel I need to make a decision and can't seem to find my decision making skills.
The not being heard or being invisable I am kind of learning to cope with.
I just ask again. The third time, I realize they are not on the same track I am on so I quit hitting my head against the wall.
It is unnerving.
But, the other brain stuff is what scares me. So far, all has worked out.
I still need to adjust to the brain not working well.
Concerned at times I will get myself into trouble or put myself in harms way.
I also am learning to be around people I feel safe with. So, thankful for them.
Just got back from a road trip to the docs. I was around people who I felt safe with and who were so considerate and helpful.
It makes living with this so much more do able.
I guess it is the feeling of insecurity that hits me hard at times that I need to figure out a way to get back on level ground.
I need to figure what the triggers are also.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i retired from a job i loved, dearly, because of the negativity and hatred from co-workers. i was ill alot and missed work and they thought i was faking.
i got calls at 9 in the morning even after i had called in for the day, wanting me to come in.
now that i'm retired, i realize it created a ton of stress or me, which i didn't need.
i've become a hermit because, quite frankly, i just don't want to be around people i don't like, it stresses me out...
everyone is different, but being alone, relaxes me.
i wish i could offer some advice, i really do.
all i can say is that if you feel yourself getting uptight, then that situation is a trigger and you should avoid it.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Just thinking I will go back to list making when I am having a rough time of it and get to those things step by step.
Yes. People can be triggers and stressful.
When I was well. They would not have bothered me so much.
But, now i find i am so slow with figuring out what is going on that it takes me awhile to know whats what.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Kam,
I've missed you. Did you have a good doctors visit?
I don't think it's unreasonable for people to adjust their pace for others.
Unfortunately, although we have such generous, compassionate friends here full of empathy,
They are hard to find in the real world.
Pick one task. Write down your list. Do one task.
Keep it simple so that you don't get stressed out or feel inadequate.
Maybe the sense of completion will negate some of these horrible feelings of not being able to do.
You are NOT inadequate. I like to tell people that I am just not in a good place right now.
They usually don't know what to say to that.
You hang in there.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hi Kam, so sorry you are feeling this way. however i know just the feeling of insecurity.
I went to a family members wedding shower the other night and burst into tears and said to my aunt I just want to go home. She was very understanding and talked me into staying, which I'm glad I did.
Sometimes I feel saver in my own home. My hubby is so great with me I don't know what i would do without him.
It's getting late now, I'm starting to have double vision. You are not alone Kam, we are all in this together.
Take care your friend Cassie
-------------------- Posts: 564 | From Toronto Ontario Canada | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Thanks Guys. Feeling better now.
The trip to the LLMD was very pleasant. Nice to get out of dodge and be around such wonderful people.
I just don't like the way my brain trouble shoots now.
I am kind of aware that something needs to be done at times, but it is a distant awareness and pulling it to the front and dealing with it just doesn't happen.
Can't force it. Just know I am not my usual self before lyme.
[ 27. June 2007, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: kam ]
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
bettyg
Unregistered
posted
kam, i feel your pain, insecurity, your not being with the program when you mind doesn't work or goes out to lunch when you want it to work!
kam, you can always come on here and get advise when you need it; you know we're good at that! we walk in your shoes or on your scooter!
kam, YOU HAVE BEEN A ROLE MODEL TO ME from the 1st day i met you here! i can't believe how much BS you have been thru, how positive you remain and give others so much encouragement; you are just one unbelievable woman that i truly admire! oh, i'm getting kind of mushy; better stop for now!
please know you are in my/our thoughts/prayers daily to overcome what you are going thru so you can WALK AGAIN, use your brain the way we took ours for granted before lyme, and be a productive person in this world again! GO GETEM KAM!
IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Thank you Betty. Trying to find a way to overcome whatever is going on with me right now.
I just keep thinking that things will most likely improve once it starts to cool down.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Sometimes I just get plain scared with this condition.
This morning I was high enough functioning to kind of try and figure out why this condition has me shaking in my boots.
The good news is, I was able to get out in my new power chair and go to the grocery store.
That worked out well on the way over. I took the back roads so it was quiet. It is a little over a mile to the grocery store.
I took the power chair that allows me to recline and put my legs up as I travel and moves slowly and smoothly over the cracks in the sidewalk.
I mostly tried to stay off the sidewalks when possible and ride on the smooth street.
So far so good.
Then I got to the busy intersection. That was scary. I know i need to leave the corner before I get the green hand or I will have cars coming at me as there is not enough time to get across.
It is tricky figuring out when to leave so the cars turning left do not hit you but you still leave with enough time that the oncoming traffic is not coming at you because the light turns quicker than you can make it across.
then there is the fact my brain is not working or processing fast enough to take in all that is happening. But, I was still doing pretty good at that point.
I got in the store and that is when the brain went. Went to the butcher to see about dog bones for Rosie. No bones. Come back tomorrow or the next day. They were not sure when they were getting a delivery.
Went to get the PB8. I had gotten PB8 there many times. It took me several tries before I recalled where the refrigerated PB8 case was.
Then the mind went blank. What else was I there for. Could not make a grocery list this am. Haven't been well enough to do that for quite some time. Although I do have times when I am able to.
Fear set in. I was not wise with the funds a friend sent me recently.
I need to be wiser. I spent them on the lyme doc and then went to see an accunpuncturist as suggested by the lyme doc.
Need to get to the point where I can set up a budget each month so I know my priorities so I will have funds for food and utilities.
Left window open while I was in CA with air conditioning on. Wondered one cooler keep coming on all week. I thought it must really be hot out. it is. But, Did not realize the cooler was coming on day and night because I had left a bedroom window open until yesterday. Ouch. Air conditioning bill is going to be high.
The brain was just not working well enough to be aware. Right now I can hear the noise of the traffic so I know the window is open.
But, all week i have been pretty out of it so was not taking in things like that.
Back to grocery store. I had planned on just picking up 3 things while I was there. I thought I could do 3 things this am. But, as it turned out, I was not able to.
Left the store. Took the main highway home via the sidewalk. Glad I was able to recline in power chair and put my feet up. My body is not in a lot of pain this am. First time all week or so. This is good.
But, it took me awhile to know what to do about my body reacting to the noise of the traffic. Ah ha. Stop and put your ear plugs in. Ah. That helped a lot.
But, the movement of the traffic was still too much. Too low functioning at that point to make a change. Just put my blinders on and tried to get home.
Glad I was able to get out this am. I do not do well being housebound.
But, it was also scary for me. Lack of funds scares me. I am thankful for what i have. But, I keep hoping and praying CALPERS disability is approved and soon.
Lack of having a mind to make good decisions scare me. I find that keeping to a routine helps.
I forgot to get postage stamps while I was out and food for this weekend.
But, It is nice to know I can make it to the store. This was my first outing to the store since moving to the new place.
Good to be back in my safe home.
Thankful for those cars who stopped and let me go first as I crossed driveways, etc. Good to make the eye contact so I know they know I am there.
Looking forward to when the brain and body are functioning better so I am able to enjoy my outing and not be shaking in my boots ...er sandals instead.
My mind keeps thinking....almost 6 years. It has been almost 6 years of this.
But, I also need to factor in that I am doing so much better than I was.
The Jazzy 1121 that I took was difficult in the store as far as being able to get close enough to get things. That was tricky. since I only tried to get the PB8 out of the cold case, I don't know how it would have been with other things.
I need to make an appointment with the senior van next time and take the other chair. Then I most likely will be able to do a better job of getting groceries.
i will not have used up my limited resources in just getting to the store.
I just needed to get out of the house this am and I needed to know that if I need to get to the store without the senior van taking me I can.
I still have the problem of food for the weekend and getting postage stamps. I know I can order stamps on line. I just hoped to be able to get some long over do thank you's off today.
I have long periods of time when I am not able to even know what is going on and why I can't do things. I just need to not do and veg until it passes.
But, now i know the shaking in the boots is due to fear of lack of funds and fear of lack of brain power. When you add the body being in pain too, I don't know what is going on. I just know I am scared.
I think I was too sick to be scared before. So, I guess being scared is progress too.
Not sure any of this makes sense.
If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this.
Hugs to all lyme warriors.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
Kam, You JUST need to send the 'cabanna pool boy' to the store FOR you!!! Saves juice, wheels, and energy (yours)!!!
Otherwise hereabouts,,,the store takes orders over the phone and 'delivers' to the shut ins!!!
Next time you cruise on over to the 'market' use your longest,most pained face possible and ask the manager IF they would do same if you are unable to get out??? or just call--just don--
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Kam, you should be proud of yourself. I'm glad you got home safely.
I don't know if it's me but aren't people driving alot faster now. You take you life in your hands just trying to cross the street.
Take care my friend and I'm glad you ventured out
-------------------- Posts: 564 | From Toronto Ontario Canada | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
7:40 am I left the house at 6 am this morning in the Q600 and went to the dog park. All went well. It took me 30 min to get there. My brain was on line. I was able to have short conversations with a couple of people.
Learned the Beatles were playing tonight at the lake. Well, the Beatles music that is. Might try and go to this if I'm able.
Learned another guy lost his dog and his new motor home while on his vacation to Montana. A drunk driver hit them at 10:30 in the morning. Thankful they were not hurt.
Tried a different way home. it was good. Less traffic. Smoother pavement.
Only draw back was the pain in the body. I am stiff and sore as this power chair does not recline while I am moving. But, I was able to recline while I was there. This power chair also is easier for me to drive.
Kind of suprised, but it looks like I am back on track after the move and the trip to CA to see LLMD. REcovery time is much quicker than in the past.
I recall it taking a much longer time when I just went down the hill and back to a lyme support group meeting.
I know I will have my off line times again while out and about. But, it certainly felt great to be out this am and have the brain on line with me.
Considered getting in the car and getting it gased and washed but thought I would be pushing it. I can usually last until 10 am.
Perhaps this down time, flat on my back next to the computer will give me enough rest to get up and go take the car to get gased and washed. I am concerned because the car has not been started since Tuesday. I at least need to start it so the battery keeps going in it.
Yesterday, I knew I was not up to trying to take it to get gas and a wash. Today, my brain is working better and I am considering it.
Slept in recliner again last night with glasses on and tv on all night. AT least I slept through the night with the help of sleeping meds.
8:50 am Made it to the car wash and got gas. Found a new way back home. Next time I will take it. I usually get lost and pass the car wash and gas place so if I take this back road I do not think I will pass it up. Going 55 on the highway was a little much for me this am. I also put my earplugs in while going through the car wash and closed my eyes. I left the earplugs in on the way home. It helped with the distraction of the road noise.
But, I had to go pee and the pressure was really building to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. Glad I made it home and am lying down now. I think I over did it or it is the meds or something. Not feeling as well now. head stuff.
The inside of the car is filthy. I will be glad when it is clean.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
What a difference a day makes or an hour with this condition.
I need to get out and about. But, I also need to know my limits and listen to my body.
It is tough with this. I will think at times I can do something and then get out there and find out I can't.
Or I think I can't do something but decide to give it a try and am successful.
A friend sopped by and purchased food for me yesterday and put some beans and ham in the crock pot. That helps big time.
Adjusting to this condition is a constant.
I think this morning worked because there were less distractions on the brain? That is part of the picture.
I just know it is down time for now.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
You take you life in your hands just trying to cross the street.
Printer-friendly view of this topic